HTMYJ (Hitched, tell me your jokes)

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick

*I'll get me coat*

Where do you find a useless shoplifter? underneath tesco!

what's green and hairy and goes up and down? a gooseberry in a lift

What's green and hairy on the inside, and green and shiny on the outside? and inside out gooseberry

What's green and hairy on the inside, and red and shiny on the outside? a bus full of gooseberrys

How do you make a dog drink? put it in a blender

Husband says to wife : Why don't you ever tell me when you orgasm

Wife replies : I don't like to call you when you are working

Bloke walks into a pub with his mate and a piece of tarmac under his arm. He orders two pints for him and his mate and an extra pint for the piece of tarmac. Barman asks why he was buying a pint for the tarmac. Bloke replies, ' well its one for me, one for my mate and one for the road'

A man walked into a bar and is fascinated to see a little man about a foot tall sitting on the bar playing the piano. He asks the barman about the piano player and the bartender tells him that he has a magic lamp that grants wishes.

The man can't believe it and begs the bartender to allow him to make a wish. The barman is reluctant but the man begs and begs and eventually the bartender agrees. Before he hands over the lamp, the bartender warns the man to be very careful about the wish he makes.

The man rubs the lamp, closes his eyes and makes a wish.

Suddenly the bar is full of birds flying everywhere.

The man looks up in shock. "What happened?" he said "I wished for a million BUCKS not a million DUCKS"

The bartender looks at him sadly "I told you to be careful. Do you think I wished for a 12inch pianist?"

Fantastic!!! Sitting here chuckling away, first time I've been happy at work for a long time!!!!

Mine's probably as lame as yours!

What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt...

What swings around the baker's shop? Tarzipan.

What's the fiercest cake in the baker's shop? Atilla the Bun.

What's a cat's favourite colour? Purr-ple

What's yellow and dangerous? Shark infested custard?

How do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge? Footprints in the butter.

How does an elephant get down from a tree? Stands on a leaf and waits for autumn.

What's ET short for?

He only has little legs.

A man was sunbathing naked on the beach. For the sake of civility and to keep it from getting sunburnt, he had a hat over his private parts. A woman walked past and said while snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." The man raised an eyebrow and replied "If you weren't so ugly it'd lift itself."

? ?

Took me a while, but I like it!

2 elephants fell off a cliff. boom boom

How do you get Pikachu onto a bus?

You Pokemon

(probably have to have been around children to get this one!)