I am not being listened to!!!

So your last few words......tell your oh and your parents this and that it either scales back to what you want or you will simply elope. Yes it's their sion's wedding but it is yours and your oh that should call the shots. You should respectfully turn any monies down from them and tell them you and your oh will decide what's happening and that you hope they will respect that. But I feel for you. Xx

I really feel for you as it sounds super stressful but I do think you and OH can resolve this. You are paying for the wedding and they are giving you their two pennies worth. Why does that mean you have to change your plans to suit them?

just tell them you're not sure what you're going to do when there's a discussion. Book what you want and tell them after. Why did you give MIL invites? I'm sorry but if you don't want strangers at your wedding don't give people invites to hand out to strangers.

there is no requirement for you to disclose your plans to them. Get on with it without their input.

im sorry, I know this sounds harsh but you and your OH need to put some boundaries in place and stick to them.

Urgh, what a pain. On the one side, its great they want to get involved, and really lovely that they're trying to help you out. On the other hand, its your wedding, and you need to feel comfortable and happy. I think you need to sit them down, and really explain your feelings about it. There should always be a little give and take as lets be honest, weddings are about the families too, but you need to decide which bits you won't move on and stand your ground or you'll regret it. I hope it goes ok x

Oh I really feel for you - this sounds like an awful situation!

I don't have much more to add than has already been said but if it was me, the next time the 'free bar' discussion is brought up and the 'let's wait and see' comment comes out, you need to be firm and say "actually I don't want to wait and see, OH and I have discussed it, we don't want our wedding to be a free for all, drunk afair! We've been looking forward to having our friends come and share our special day and leaving with happy memories, not going home hammered and not remembering a thing! We appreciate your offer to pay for it but it's not what we want."

I also have a similar problem with regards to evening guests! Not from FMIL - from my other half! He seems to think the evening should be a free for all party and all and sundry can come. I am REALLY unhappy with that as most of the people he wants to come are the football team he coaches and a few randoms from his work. We already have 120 people all day which I think is enough but our venue can hold 200 at night so he thinks we should fill it. The only thing going in my favour at the moment is our venue is about 40 mins from home and coaches are about 3 times more expensive than we had realised and I don't think we can afford another coach to bring them all home! I totally get how you feel with a bunch of people you don't know milling around so again I think you need to be firm with your FMIL and tell her the numbers are at max already. It doesn't matter if there is outside space - if it's bad weather and everyone has to be inside you still need to stick to your numbers. End of..... But a bit more politely, of course!

Good luck!

I really feel for your situation, but do you know what? I would kill for what you have right there!! Those people care SO much about you guys that they want to do so many things for you. I know it's frustrating and somewhat annoying, and I do think you'll need to put your foot down a bit, but remember why they're doing it.... you're really lucky to have people around who care so much

An open house and a free bar sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. Get the professional bar that you want and tell them no to the open house, if they invite extra people then tell them they will be turned away. It's not a party it's a wedding. If your OH really wants to marry you then he'll talk to his parents, it shouldn't be you that has to do it.

Thats exactly what I think... he has 'tried' but every time she says anything back he backs down and then its left to me so say something AGAIN... it makes me feels like I am the one causing the fuss as he just doesnt speak up enough. I wouldnt expect him to discuss something like this with my parents I would deal with it!

Don't get me wrong here I know just how lucky I am. As I said in my post I am very close to his parents and they mean a lot to me and that's why it's so hard. I spend so much time trying to please everyone else and deep down I'm not happy.
They are great and some things they have taken complete control of like the cake and some decorations and things and that's fine, it's great they show an interest.

But let's not get confused here, they are not wanting a free bar for me and my OH... They know how we feel about it. They are not inviting loads of people I don't know for us as a nice thing... They know how we feel about that too! Those few things are them trying to keep everyone else happy .. And I get that .. I do. That's what I am trying to do too! But as its drawing closer I am more and more unhappy about it and I have explained cards on the table how I feel, how I feel anxious about it and it's not what I want, and I don't feel a wedding is an excuse for loads of people to get together for the sake of it it's about us getting married and that's personal.. I have explained and explained and it has made zero difference :-( Which is so unusual because normally she's so thoughtful and caring.

But one of the things I'll take away from this is the invitation thing... She basically said there were some of OHS dads family that I don't have details for and it was easier for her to write out and send save the dates. Same for in invitations.

But I think after reading some of your comments we will ask her for the X Number of people she wants to invite and their addresses and we will send them ourselves and do the rsvps ourselves. That way we know exactly who's coming.

Thanks for all the tips, I think having explained it and not being listened to we will just have to take control ourselves a little more on the guest list front.

On the bar front... I really don't think there is anything I can do. Both myself and OH have got into heated discussion s about this on more than one occasion with both his parents ... Where we have talked about numerous times and they still say they are having one... Short of an argument which is really all that's left we have tried everything else. And a free bar is not worth falling out with family over especially how close we are. It's just a shame they won't listen as its not what we want but I know in the grand scheme of things it's not the endof the world. Thanks for all your posts ladies I really appreciate it!! Xxx

Keep saying NO! My MIL tried inviting loads of mystery guests, but I kept saying no, she got the message. You have the control over the invites. If they keep banging on about it, give them the ultimatum that either you have the wedding your way, or you will just elope...

Best of luck, stick by your guns... :-)

What about a compromise on the bar. I've been to a wedding where we got a 'voucher' for a drink. You could just hand out a few vouchers and if someone is a heavy drinker they'll have to pay after say 5 drinks.

WHo are these friends of theirs that will be manning the bar? Are they going to manage if there are more than 120 people there? Have you spoken to the people involved? if someone asked me to help behind the bar i'd say yes, but if i'm told there are more than 120 people and i need to be on my feet all day i wouldn't be so excited. If get an inkling that they don't really want to do it you could immediately book the professional bar and tell your OH's parents what you've done after. You'll have a good excuse. I.e. you panicked and just wanted it sorted without upsetting friends blah blah.

Do you live with your OH's parents? it's lovely that they care, but the whole thing does sound a bit intense if you don't mind me saying.

It almost sounds as if they are trying to re-create their own wedding.

Can you not compromise on this? I agree that an "open door" policy and a free bar do sound like a recipe for a disaster but surely your friends and family can be trusted not to get completely hammered because the alcohol is free? I think it is pretty sad if people feel that their loved ones would take advantage of their generosity by abusing a free bar.

Could you not agree to accept their offer of covering the bar but only if you have your say on the guestlist? You could word it in such a way that you looking out for them and say that you wouldn't want the cost of the bar spiraling out of control or people who they are not close to taking liberties!

The venue is a village hall so there is noone coordinating it.. we have hired a toastmaster to help on the day but in terms of someone representing the venue, there will be noone there like that.

I could have just gone ahead and booked the professional bar company which I now wish I had.. but MIL asked us repeatedly to really not do that as she said it would cost them more as they wanted to pay for peope to have the first few drinks free... eventually we backed down on this.

Yes we have suggested the vouchers for X amount of free drinks.. we have suggested free for a certain time.. we have suggested just free in the day... the response is always the same?

We really have tried to compromise and they dont want to and have now said that actually they would need a licence to take money which they dont have... so hence the free bar. But initially this wasnt an issue. I do understand the law is the law and I am willing to compromise on the free bar, I have already kind of accepted it. I think its just the fact they have listened makes me a little bitter about it...

But its stupid numbers on top of the free bar I cant hack!

Oh god you are so right, I hadnt thought about this☹️ Thats so true.. they are people that apparently owned a pub before so are used to looking after a bar but you are right that with 180 -190 people to serve in the evening especially if its a free bar how will they manage? ? I dont know them and when I have asked I have just been told they will be fine doing it and not to worry. The thing is everyone in their family is SO laid back and just thinks its not the end of the world if people have to wait ages to get served or its chaotic .. they dont think it will be.. I am seen as the uptight stressy one so when I push anything thats how I am made to feel.

They have alreday started buying the alcohol for the free bar so if we booked a bar now that would just cause a huge upset I think.

No we dont live with them, we visit twice a week. And YES you are right.. their wedding was a ceremony and then everyone was invited afterwards for a big get together with a buffet and free bar... we have explained to them thats not what we want and also that times have changed but... next time its bought up its as though we have never had that conversation.

I dont like the fact you have said 'Its quite sad that people think their loved ones will abuse the bar'.... I dont think that..you are missing the point.. the people that are coming are not my loved ones, I have never met a large number of them if any at all. Thats more the issue.

Plus I think its naive to think that people wont drink more when the alcohol is free... I am not saying everyone will get wasted but more will than if they had to pay!

& Yes we have explained about the cost and that we think it would be too much and she said its their money and they want to do it..

We are going to see them tonight and I am so stressed about it.. I think we will talk about the bar first and ask who is manning the bar and then we will just ask if she can give us her day guest list and explain how many people she has in the evening and ask for that list too. If she then talks numbers I will try my best to be firm and explain its not what we want.. its just hard when OH tends to go quiet and I am made to feel like I am fussing! I start to think well it doesnt matter really and then when I am by myself I realise how much I dont want it.

I think the main issue here is that your OH is not sticking up for you. Speak to him before you visit tonight and explain that you need him to stick up for you on this one. You do not want to be painted as the difficult one so he will have to help you and show them that he is 100% with you on this.

Once you have the numbers from her I'm sure things will be easier. Explain that you suffer from anxiety and you are so worried you will not enjoy your wedding day if there are people there you do not know. Tell them that you don't want to disappoint them, but you are very anxious and do want to enjoy your wedding day. THey sound like they care about you so hopefully they will understand.

We had a few people at our wedding that i'd never met (OH's cousins and aunts from the other side of the country). He'd never met some of my friends from abroad. To be honest it was lovely! I'm fairly outgoing but was quite anxious about what it would be like having people I didn't know there. I was worried what they'd think of me and it's a pretty stressful time anyway so it's easy to get worried about things such as spending enough time with guests etc. To be honest on the day it didn't matter! i was delighted to meet the people I didn't know, as were they and there's lots to talk about. You'll probably not have much time for a 'real' conversation with anyone (even close friends or OH) as you'll likely get interrupted.

190 is a lot of people though so if you are uncomfortable you need to put a stop to it and your OH needs to help you with that. Your OH's parents have no right to put you into this situation. I'm sure they are lovely and it sounds like they are just super excited and happy which is making them a bit pushy.

My advice is to take back as much control as you can and not tell them so much about what is going on. The less people know the less they can get involved an take over.

Either way I'm sure you'll have a wonderful day. The most important thing is that you'll be married at the end of it.

Apologies I didn't mean to offend. I did take the point that the people you are objecting to inviting are not your loved ones but assumed that they would be close to your in-laws and therefore would not want to take advantage of their generosity. In my experience of running a free bar I have found that generally people drink less than they would if they were paying as they don't want to be seen as "taking the pee" (office parties an exception of course!).

It seems like you have come to terms with the bar anyway and the numbers are more of the issue. I agree with Halloweeny that you should speak with you OH before visiting the in-laws and make sure you are getting the back up you need. It sounds like they care a lot about you both and I'm sure they will accept your decision once they realise how anxious the situation is making you feel. I hope you manage to get it all sorted.

You are absolutely right that is a major issue... and we have talked and talked about it.. and sometimes he pulls it out the bag and is firm and other times he just backs down. I am going to speak to him again tonight before we go there - good idea. I just feel as though he is sick of it and thinks im fussing too.. which is not a nice feeling really but heyho.

Yeah I explained all of that last time we discussed it and said I was anxious and dont want that extra worry and she said 'well just dont speak to the extra people then'... that was her resolution...☹️

I think I just need to say it all again.

Its lovely to hear how it went for you and thats made me feel a little better so thank you? You are probably right I am unlikely to be getting upset about it on the day as I will be distracted.. I guess its just all very over whelming. I cant wait to be married and for it to all be done and dusted... I shouldnt feel like that should I?

They are really excited and its their first son getting married so I dont want to take anything away from them... but I think there needs to be boundaries. All I wanted was a 50 person wedding with 80 to the evening.. so I have compromised loads already!

Thank you - I think I need to be firmer and not worry what they think of me, I think the fact we get on so well Id hate for her to think I am being a stress head and being difficult. As her opinion of me really does matter. Honestly... wedding planning .. who would do it eh?

The thing is they are not close to my in laws... we are talking distant cousins and the like.. they dont even see them once a year let alone enough to be close. OH wouldnt recognise them in the street!

If she was close to them I would honestly understand but shes not.. we dont even see them at Christmas!

Yeah I will speak to him again tonight.. hoping he just pulls his finger out and is firmer as the longer it drags on and the more talks we have where we dont get anywhere the worse it seems to get.

I think my OH and MIL dont like confrontation at all.. so if they have opposing views ... OH will go quiet and If I try and speak up MIL will change the subject.. to the point where I have to be quite forward and direct the conversation back... its tiring! But I am thinking just get it sorted tonight and be the much firmer new me?

Thank you for all take the time to respond, very much appreciated!

Take a deep breath! This is sortable!

You need to decide what you are willing to compromise on - which you have done by begrudgingly agreeing to the free bar. The next thing to do is work out what exactly you want from the numbers - 50 + and extra 30 at night I think you said in a previous post. Right, so how many people take up this space on your list (and H2Bs list). Whatever is left is what you have to work with for any extra people.

Regardless of them having to pay for the drinks, you will also have to feed these people and I for one would not want anyone at my wedding that I hadn't met before. If I were in your shoes, I would put my foot down and say that anyone they want to invite is evening only - I am inviting 2 of my parents friends and they are a couple who used to childmind for me and my sister. Why should all of their friends be invited to your wedding?

My advice would be to speak to H2B and get a game plan for tonight - make sure you are actually both on the same page. Could he be agreeing with you just to save a row when you are talking about it? You said he hates confrontation so there is a chance he is avoiding one with you as well. Make him put his cards on the table and assure him that you wont be mad if he wants to invite more people - you will need to compromise between you before you go to his parents if this is the case to make sure you are both trying for the same outcome.

Then make a list of all the things that need to be sorted out and take it with you. Maybe put a few smaller things on there that are easily solvable first to get things going and then broach the subject. Is there something else that you can give FMIL to get involved with that will keep her distracted - picking a hymn/reading, flowers etc?

Hope you get it sorted out - let us know how things go!

I feel for you. They are obviously doing what they think is a nice gesture and probably think you are worrying over nothing but I run a very busy pub and I would never dream of having a free bar unless run by professionals or running one for someone's wedding! Firstly like you say without a license they can't charge so it would have to be free, secondly people do tend to go over the limit if it's free, thirdly it will cost more in the long run! Has this been checked with your venue incase it goes against any sort of liability insurance or anything like that? Have they got the glassware/measuring thimbles etc etc? I don't want to scare you it's just there is a lot they need to consider. What alcohol have they already got? If it's wine/pimms etc you could use that as table drinks/toasting etc and have a hired bar after? As for the guests be firm! We wrote down who we wanted there and saw how many places were left over before approaching parents. A lot of my family won't be invited to our uk party as my family is so big so we kept reminding everyone of the people that won't be coming and it seemed to tame everyone. Tell them that actually there are other people you would invite but there is to the space so you can't justify giving a seat to a great great aunts cousins sister! (I'm sure it's not that extreme but you get the point) maybe have a one to one with her and just say as much as you would love to invite all these people there is no way that can happen so you have to stick to close family and friends and that the money for the bar could be used elsewhere eg food/tog etc good luck!