i am scare my H will leave me

I can only speak from my point of view but if I had seen that email I would be very upset and feel that the desire to sleep with anyone else but me would feel as though my H was already cheating on me (not that I am insinuating that is the case here) but it is an abuse of your trust to do this. When your partner made the decision to remain in a relationship with you knowing your background and your feelings about sex then he made the decision that that was ok with him and he now should not usethat against you. Of course your partner had no idea of how he would feel down the line but the least he could do is talk to you about it and not carry on in this very distasteful way behind your back.

I dont really have any advice as only you know whether or not you feel up to confronting him, but you are not being unreasonable at all and have my deepest sympathies xxx

I think you are going down the route of blaming your own lack of sex drive, to justify what he is doing. Please don't. It may be that he wants more sex than you are having, but the answer to THAT problem is not to look outside the marriage.

So, I think you have two different issues going on. One being your sex life as a couple - you don't mention whether you have had counselling to try to overcome the problem? Maybe you can look into working on it? Or have you already done so?
Second problem being the friend (sorry, but she is not your friend, friends very much do not behave in this way). I don't know what to tell you - other people have been through similar situations and may be able to advise. It sounds like he's having a bit of online fun chatter - she is after all in a different country. My gut feel is that you need to bring this up with him - if it's constant contact he needs bringing back down to earth a bit

L
xx

Thank you

I have never done councelling, maybe I should have, I thought things went well and we had something special between us, but the more he speaks to her the less I want to be close to him, he is hurting me so much, in the mesage he was saying he wished they met when they were single and she woud have been his " princess" WTF !!! I know he hasnt done anything physically and I can understand his frustration as he says the sex is getting a bigger issue than he thought it would be but he is hurting me so much.

I am worried if I speak up it will all blow out of proportion, I dont even have family here I could turn too and I dont want to end up alone with my baby, all we have built in the last 12 years seems all wasted, the trust is gone but I cant pretend not knowing for ages

I though my friend was a good friend, I know her since school and he met her through me, i just hate my situation, I feel lost and nobody to turn to

I agree with what the others have said, this girl certainly isn't any kind of friend. The main issue though is you and your H and like Jingle said, I think i'd feel like he'd already cheated sending these kind of e-mails to your 'friend'.

I think you need to speak to your H and tell him you saw the e-mails. If your relationship is as strong as you say it is he's not going to walk out on 12 good years, if he's any kind of a husband he's going to stand by you and support you all the way. You need counsellig for the past abuse before you can have any sort of sexual relationship with your H I think.

I agree that I think you need some help to try and overcome your problems relating to the abuse, you shouldn't have to deal with that on your own every day.

With regards to the emails, I would be devastated too, particularly in this context. That said, I think your H might be seeing this as a bit of a "safe" flirtation knowing that this woman is in another country - it's not likely to come to more for that reason alone, apart from anything else. I do think you need to address it though ?

You def should have counselling for your childhood trauma - whether to save your marriage or not, that's not something you should have to bear at a personal level without help. So do it for yourself first and foremost.

It's a bit pants that your H has started to turn elsewhere for affection, and to con himself that your friend is .

If I were you, I'd just be very blunt and say to BOTH of them that you think their contact is utterly unappropriate and unacceptable, and ask them to put an end to it, if he is serious about his marriage and family.

I know that's not the ultimate solution, but it would be a start.

?

Thank you again, I will look into councelling, do you know where i can get help, any website? hope it is not too pricey as we are not flush on money, but I think you are right I need to go and it may help save my marriage which is priceless to me.

I am scared to raise the matter, just spoke to H and he is acting as if nothing is happened ( well he would I suppose, he doesnt know I know) I know it is the lack of affection that has driven him to my friend and that will be is argument , I cant deny the fact but you are right it is not right for him to have done that

Speak to your GP, he should be able to refer you for counseling on the NHS.

I could go anon but cant be bothered if I'm honest and I think this sort of contenion in relationships is more common that we think.

I on the other side of the fence so I thought I'd give my pov.

My H has almost zero sex drive and has been like this since I met him. Its unbelievable we got pregnanct last year and then to lose it just terrifies me that we wont catch again.

Anyway, I knew he was like this before I married him and I knew that it would probably always be like this. In the early stages I had silly thoughts about having fun with other guys but then I grew up and realised exactly what I've got. I'd be daft to throw my marriage away and the way I cope is that I have hadto accept that this is the way he is.

I dont blame your H for having some flirtatious fun, I have had this in my marriage also. He probably wants his self esteem building as well as you.

I think getting some counselling for you first if def the way forward. I also think you need to communicate all this to your H and let him know how you feel.

Best of luck,

MP

Hi,

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. I have been / am in this situation except I don't have your sad history.

My H has been having an "affair" with a work colleague. This has basically consisted of full on text and emails professing love for each other and how awful I am. Unfortunately they have also got together a few occassions also/

Anyway, after much talking and tears etc. I have finally understood that the affair was basically an escape from reality (we have had a lot of stress over the last 2 years).

After I confronted him, he finally woke up and smelt the coffee and realised he had made the worst mistake of his life and I put the ultimatum to him that we had to go to Relate.

There were a number of issues that we have had in our marriage that he has brought up as reasons for him to do this and I have said to him that WHATEVER I had done or not done, or WHATEVER was happening to us at the time, nothing was enough for him to do what he did, so he knows clearly that the blame for his behaviour will not be put on me.

Relate has been great and we are making big strides and are actually happier with each other (and our sex lives, which had also disappeared) than ever before.

In your case i think you need to take 2 paths. The first is to confront your H and say that what he is doing is not acceptable and that you want him to stop and for the 2 of you to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. The other path is counselling for yourself for all the things that have happened to you in the past.

I really hope it all works out for you.

How awful for you to be going through this. ?

I think in your position I would have to say something because I couldnt let this fester and wonder about all the what ifs. I know that is a hell of a lot easier said than done andhow you both act from now on is really down to your own feelings and beliefs. If you didnt say something the chances are that you would be trying to find out more, checking his account, phone etc and it's not a healthy way to live.

No one should be treated like this and like others have said, I would consider this cheating too - cheating imo isnt just about sexual contact, it's the feelings and intent. If youhave a strong relationship you can pull through this - in his eyes it may be totally innocent but he needs talking to. If he's not prepared to talk through the issues you know where you stand a bit more. I know that sounds harsh and I can understand that you're totally scared.

As for your 'friend' I hope you're not still in contact with her, and if you are you might want to have a little word with her too.

i didnt know i could get councelling through the NHS, will give gp a call

I agree with Flump - normally in these situations contacting the "other woman" is the worst thing you can do but in your situation I think it would actually be a good idea.

A question: you say you are worried about his leaving you. Would it actually bother you that much if he was just finding another outlet sexually, and not planning to end your marriage?

yes it would really bother me as it is breaking the trust we had, and I couldnt live thinking has he contacter her or not, I would have prefered in a way it was someone I didnt know but because I know her it makes it much more painfull

Fair enough. Then in the first instance you need to tell your friend and your H that you know about this, and it needs to stop. You need to explain to your H that if you feel you can't trust him, there's no way you'll be able to fix your sexual issues.

?

I agree with what everyone else has been saying. You have two issues here, the abuse you've been through needs to be resolved, and you cannot do this on your own, you absolutely need counselling to work through this. It is possible for you to have a more 'normal' (whatever normal is) sex life, even though you have that in your past. I have abuse in my past, and I wouldn't have been able to have a healthy love life with my H, if I had not talked it through with a counsellor and come to terms with it.

Secondly, if my husband did to me, what yours has done, I wouldn't end the marriage, but I would definitely be making it clear to him that my trust was broken, the contact with the friend must stop. Also the fact that he is looking elsewhere for his self esteem boost is in no way your fault, but that you do want to seek help with your issues so that you can have a happier life, as well as a happier sex life.

You need reassurance from him that this talk with your friend is completely stupid and that he would much rather work on your relationship, and whatever issues you have, together. He needs to be putting you first.

Oh, and I would definitely be contacting the friend too, and telling her to leave you and your husband alone. She's no friend of yours.

I agree with the others. Your H is betraying your trust by saying things like that to anyone, let alone a so called friend of yours.

Definately speak to your GP about counselling, there are bound to be some issues that you can work through with support that will benefit you, and may also benefit your husband if it means you are able to feel more interested in the physical aspect of your relationship.

Alongside that, or perhaps once you feel you are finding your feet with your own personal counselling, couples couselling like relate could be a good option to have someone mediate and encourage an honest discussion about how each of you feel. It may be you can set some ground rules about ways in which you can show each other affection that you are comfortable with, that help your H, without you worrying that it will have to lead to sex.

I just want to add that this situation is in no way your fault and your H can't use your intimacy issues as an excuse to send these e-mails and talk the way he has with your friend IMHO. To me, when you marry someone it is for better or worse, he knows your problems and if he was having an issue with the lack of sex in the marriage he should have spoken to you about it, maybe looked into counselling for you or something, anything but not running off to another woman. I don't think that's any excuse.

Thank you for your support, i no way i want my marriage to end on this but i am worried he will take this as an excuse to leave, although I am not that sure he would leave. Say if he promise that he wont contact her, how can I be sure

Not seing that friend will be hard too, we have booked a weekend away to see them ( her and her H) I dont think I can face it and need a reason to tell people why we woundt go.... it is such a mess, I am devastated that I am in that situation, I know there are people worst than me but I never thought I would be in that situation ever, and I believe truly in for better for worst so I want it to work, dont want to give up but at the moment I dont see how the relationship can be like it was before and I have my baby to think of, for his sake more than for mine I want this to work, I just hope H will feel that way too

I am so soory you are going through this ?

I really think you should confront your H & your friend - they are behaving in a terrible way. How awful, and how fcuking rude of your H & your 'friend' to do this to you.

She's married!!?? That makes what she is doing even worse. She is no 'friend' to you.

Please try and speak to a councillor and tell your H you know what has been going on. If he knows you know it might scare him and make him realise he is being a complete fool.

I really hope you work things out xx

I actually think that your husband, like mine is having a bit of a "fantasy" moment and if he is faced with the sharp reality of exactly what he is doing he will be shocked into seeing how wrong it is.

I don't think he wants to leave you, he just has gone the wrong route in trying to change things.

I got in touch with the girl in my case and nicely told her a few home truths and that she had to back off and conceetrate on her own marriage and kids.

By speaking to her I got to understand the full extent of what had gone on.

I think that you should speak to her in a controlled way and then speak to your H immediately afterwards.

I think your relationship will not be the same, but in fact, it can be even better as you both could see this opportunity to sort out issues in your marriage and your own personal issues.

I am hopeful in my own situation that we will be better than we were even at the beginning of our relationship.

Hugs

I totally agree with rupertcat's last statement.

I think its something thats got out of hand and he's in a little world of his own.. I would too speak to him first and sort it out and then speak to her and tell her a few home truths, I would not be meeting up with them in a while, hell would freeze over first and if folk asked why, then tell them she hasn't been a good friend to you for a while.

Sorry your going through this xx

OP, you have been offered some wise counsel here by the other posters - I encourage you to follow the advice offered, In the meantime, don't worry about the weekend away with your so=called friend and her husband. If you are not comfortable with telling her the real reason just say you're cancelling because you've double-booked, or something else has come up, or you're not feeling well. It would, however, perhaps be better to be honest with her, and say you feel hurt and disappointed about the emails she's been exchanging with your H. You can just say that under the circumstances you feel it better not to have any contact with her.

Do speak to your H about the way you are feeling - the longer you leave it, the harder it will be ....

I get the impression from the OP that saying she's double booked won't wash. It sounds like it involves travel as the "friend" lives abroad.

OP, I'm afraid that now you know you are going to have to confront the problem. Like the abuse thing, if you leave it and ignore it the issue will just fester, everytime your H is on the phone/PC whatever your mind will start to question - and you don't want to go down that route.

If it were me I would be sitting H down and telling him that I know, that he's been unbelievably stupid and that we were going to have to work extremely hard on regaining the trust that he has lost. At no point must you put any blame on yourself, this is not of your doing. I would then sit down infront of the PC with him and tell him that he needs to write an email to her to the effect of severing all contact because you know the situation etc. You want to see it, you want to read, you want to make sure it is sent.

Hay, you are quite right - I think I had missed that in an earlier post. OP, in some ways if your 'friend' is in another country it makes it easier for you to make the break. Just email her and tell her straight that her behaviour is unacceptable, that you don't wish to spend time with someone who values friendship and love as valueless as she clearly does. Tell her you won't be seeing her again and don't wish to receive any further contact from her. Then you can concentrate on unravelling the difficulties you face with your H. And everything else Hay says is right, too!

Thank you so much for your support, once my baby is in bed I will sit with H and talk things trhough, not sure I will trust him in not contacting her but I have to start somewhere. Will call GP tomorrow to make an appointment, it is probably about time that I do something about it and that i take control of my life for the better

I am sorry you're going through this too ?

Just a thought, and I hope it isn't insensitive.

I can imagine you are very hurt, I would be too. However, I think it's very easy to make an assumption that any errant male simply wants to get his rocks off. That may be the case. However, sex is about so much more - intimacy, love, touch, demonstrating your affection, self esteem etc etc etc. If they are not actually having sex, I wonder whether the desire is something more personal to him (and potentially less hurtful to you?)

Someone I know well is in a similar situation. His wife, for all sorts of personal reasons, doesn't want sex. However, they don't sleep in the same bed, hug, hold hands, shop together, stroke or touch each other etc etc.

Whilst I know he'd like sex, actually what he misses so much more is just the general love and affection. He's very happy to wait for her, but he loves her, and would love to be able to put his arms around her, steal a kiss, tell her he loves her etc etc without her thinking he wants to just get his end away.

I don't know whether it's helpful in this situation to mention this. I really don't want to be insensitive. It just breaks my heart seeing my friends because they need each other so much and they're just so frightened of one another that it's all falling apart.

Good luck with finding a solution ?

Sorry you are going through such a tough time at the moment. I have some experience of this, but from the other side. My ex partner was abused as a child and it impacted on our relationship massively. We are no longer together for various reasons not related at all to this.

I think you have had some great advice from everyone already, I would second counselling for yourself to get your thoughts into some sort of form that you can understand and explain to him. However, if you would like additional support specfically from others who may have been in the same situation, I can highly recommend the forums on https://www.aest.org.uk/. They have forums for those that have been abused, and seperate forums for partners. You need to register and be approved before joining and you would not be able to see your partners forum and vice versa. I think this could offer you some support, but also, if your H is willing to work on your relationship and maybe start to understand how to handle things better without feeling the need to get attention from other places then he would also find talking to other partners really helpful. I know it was a lifeline for me on many occassions.

I hope things get resolved and on a more positive path for you soon.

Thanks clairy, you are not being insensitive, funny it is me who would love to have cuddles, kiss without him thinking I want sex as it is usually what happens and then I push him away because he just "jumps" on me ( not jump but well get carried away) which is really hard for me

Thank you very much wonkey for the link, I will definitly have a look