I am so angry

I'm not surprised you're angry. By the sounds of it, you're going to be in a better place without him. Let him keep his flat nice and tidy and live life, we'll see how fulfilling that can be....

my thoughts exactly , lets see how much he loves being on his own in a tidy flat with no one to talk to , oh apart from his ego

Sare, lovely, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Everything he has stated as a problem is fixable, he's just being an absolute pig about it. If the mess bothered him that much then he should get off his arse and clear it up.

As for his comments regarding the children and his ego, well, it just makes me think he's having a monumental mid life crisis, tbh, and is acting like an ignorant 17 year old. Only at the end of it he's going to be on his own while you and your beautiful children go on to have fabulous new lives. Different, but fabulous.

If you are ever in London or Essex I will happily catch up with you and give you a big old Holio hug ?

I agree totally with HH. ?

L
xx

Sare, I've been keeping up with your posts but haven't replied to any before now, since others have put exactly what I thought. I would concur with what others have said above, sounds a bit like a midlife crisis or something. At this point it sounds like you will be well rid. Most of what he said made me ?!

The ? in me wonders how tidy his flat will be once the kids visit it for a weekend - or maybe he thinks since they're so independent they'll be out with their mates til feeding time?

Your last line made me laugh a lot.

You sound so strong these days, and I hope that continues to be the case. I wish you and your children all the best for a brighter future.

I totally agree with HH.

?

He will soon realise that a clean and tidy home is no comparison with one full of people who love him, and then he will be lonely and sad sat in his Homes and Gardens splendour. And you in the meantime will have moved on, showing your children what a strong mummy they have.

I have been where you are and believe me, in the long run it was the best thing to happen to me. I wouldn't have believed that when it was all happening but it made me a strong and independant person and that helped me achieve lots in my life which I wouldn't have otherwise done - and I am sure you will be the same, give yourself time.

?

I'm 36 and still need my mum for more than food! Unbelievable!

However has others have said he'll soon realise how much more children need when he gets to have them in his pristine home for weekend visits.

Oh Sare, what an utter nob. He does sound infuriatingly 'me me me' and egotistical with his David Brent-like attitude to how fantastic he is because he's a manager...and the house stuff, well as others have said, let him bugger off and 'live life' on his own in a show home. I think he'll soon realise what a tit he's been, by which point you and the children will be on track and managing perfectly well without him. And as you've said, things like this can be seen in a positive light because you ARE better off without him.

I can see him becoming one of those cringeful, leather jacketed middle-aged 'bachelors' who has a sports car in the drive, covered up with a plastic sheet. ?

He sounds llike he is having a completlely cringeworthy grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side, midlife crisis.

What a tw@t.

?

I sent you a pm the other day thinking he was probably going through something - I take it all back - he is just a nob and yes you are better off without him.

I could smack him for you I really could.

Nob ?

He's a blinkered idiot. He needs to have a couple of days alone with his kids to realise how independent a 7yr old and a 5yr old are. Perhaps then he will wake up & smell the coffee.

? onwards & sideways mate xx

Promise us you'll do a Hitched report following the first weekend he has the kids on his own when you drop them over to his showhome flat. Maybe with some before and after shots?!

You're well rid. When exactly does he move out? ?

exactly what she said, I'd be fecking fuming and glad to be shot of him if he thinks like that. How dare he.

Gosh Sare how awful for you and the children ?

He really does seem to be living in his own little bubble doesn't he? At least when reality gives him a cold hard smack in the face you will hopefully be well rid and moved on. I really hope you stay strong and I'm sure you will end up in a much better place soon.

Sare, has he actually left yet, and do other people know? (sorry if I've missed a post- I'm useless at searching on new hitched). It sounds ot me like he is messiong you about big style. If you're feeling strong enough, I'd urge you to take control and put yourself back in charge of your destiny here. If I thought there was anything you could do to help him through whatever crisis he is having then I would suggest it, but in my experience these kind of 'settled family life wobbles'* are only resolved when something happens to bring the person abruptly to their senses. I think if you were able to take some decisive action then at least it miught have teh effect of resolving things one way or the other.

I don't know how to phrase this sare, because I dont want to upset you further or rock the boat at all, but please believe me that I think you are wonderful and I have your best intentions in mind when I ask- are you sure there's nobody else involved? It might not even be relevant to you whether there is or not but I ask because, again, so often in these cases there has been some kind of inappropriate contact with another person- not necessarily an affair, but often a work flirtaytion or internet activity. Many relationships cover perfectly well from these things, as it helps to higlight the real issues. I cannot believe that the reasons he gives you are real issues- unless he is desperately thick, they spound like a total cop out.

I really hope you get some answers soon and I am so hurt and angry for you and your children because this is so bloody unfair, whatever the reason behind it. ?

*I hate the expressoin 'mid life crisis' because wtf is midlife and why does it strike people at different times?

Which planet is he living on? He sounds completely self-obsessed and deluded. Does he not realise that young children need more than just the odd meal? What an utter plonker. He will one day wake up and realise he is a fool ... meanwhile, I fear that you are well shot of him. When is he moving out? Have you given him a date yet? I would!

Sare, I'm so sorry to hear of all the trouble you're having. I'm gobsmacked at his attitude! Keeping a house (and children!) is a family responsibility and he clearly doesn't realise this. So let him live in his perfect flat and 'live life' on his own. Doesn't sound like much fun to me!

Honestly, if I were you, I'd call his bluff on this a bit. I hope you don't mind me saying, but you have mentioned the house being a bit of a mess. It's very unfair of him to expect you to manage this on your own, but now he's gone, I'd be calling friends and family and getting it blitzed. Hire a skip, chuck the rubbish, tidy what you want to keep and put all his stuff (I mean everything - old magazines, faded pants, odd socks as well as the 'proper' stuff) into nice attractive black bags and leave them at his front door. I know it will be a lot of work, and probably very painful too, but if you feel up to it and you're serious about not having him back, I guess it will have to be done sometime.

And afterwards, you can sit back in your nice tidy house (which you manage to do with a little help - a novel idea, perhaps?) with a clear head while he sorts through his bags and tries to find a home for it all in his spotless flat. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that you tidy the house to get him back! It would totally be for you, and your boys - maybe they could do their own rooms. They are independant, after all!

I hope I'm not talking too much nonsense here. You can tell me if I am!

Hugs to you, and your boys. And booooo! to your H!

That's a great idea decibelle, if I lived by you Sare i'd come and help you do it.

I'm loving Decibelle's suggestion - personally I'd go one step further and order a skip to arrive the day BEFORE he leaves so you can announce "well, as you're going, I thought I'd just have a good old turn-out and get the house how I've always wanted it without you getting in my way". ?

Ha! Two can play at showhomes ....

Whereabouts are you Sare? I am sure there were a few hitched declutter lovers around the place

L
xx

I think he won't have a show home. I think he will have an empty pot noodle carton/kleenex scattered flatlet

L
xx

? at flatlet. With a pull down bed. ?

Yep, brilliant idea, we can all help. Those of us who are too far away to physically help could surf the t'interweb and find you stupidly cheap but brilliant things for your home.

Whaddaya reckon?

I'm a skilled declutterer now after moving twice last year and have a big pair of ears too - Sare I'm in Leeds but love the seaside if you ever need help from an internet weirdy. Have car and will travel!

He sounds like he's living in a dream world Sare and you deserve someone who'll be there for your family. Big hugs ?

Sare, he sounds like a snake (see what I did there?!).

Have you ever left him alone with the children for a few days? It would be interesting to see how he managed bearing in mind they are so independent. Even when kids are teenagers they are dependent on parents. It's amazing that he thinks differently.

I'm beginning to wonder if Lou might be right. As much as it's probably too painful to consider, it sounds like someone has been in his ear. What about his parents? Do you get on with them? Could they have put him up to this at all?

So sorry you're going through this ?

If he isn't tidying / helping in the house he currently lives in, wtf makes him think that he will magically do it somewhere else?

Some of these replies have really made me laugh?

Lou, He's leaving on Monday, it was me that finally named a day which I'm sure he was hoping for. There could well be someone else, and whilst I'm not sure if there's been infidelity in the sexual sense, then you have banged the nail on the head by talking about inappropriate behaviour with girls.

Thank you all for the decluttering offers, I have decided to do this as I have brilliant friends who have all offered to come round and build furniture/paint etc. I have a decorator friend who I am going to hire to come and paper my bedroom the first weekend he has the boys so I will have a lovely new room to sleep in.

I feel so much stronger today, and I should really be thanking him for showing me what he's become. He did make a comment about it might not be permanent if he misses the boys too much, but I said if he was to return it would have to be for me, and I know that would never happen.I think I would say no anyway.

Oh and whilst I have still carried on letting him sleep with me, if he tries again I will be refusing. Which is good progress I think!

This SO supports what I said the other day, Sare. Once you're missing his so desperately that you'll agree to get down on your knees and suck his dick/scrub the kitchen floor at his behest, he'll consider allowing you the privilege of having him back. But that's not the way it's going to be, is it??

I'm so glad we've brightened your day. Good for you for being so strong and standing up to him. I bet your new room will be fab!

What does he mean, "it might not be permanent" ?!?!?! WTF??? ummm no, matey, if you walk, you're done.

Sare, words fail. What a colossal arse. You're going to be so much better off without someone who treats you so badly. ? I also volunteer to come & help with your beautiful new pad once he's gone. xx

I'll give him 2 months before he's knocking back at the door. I think perhaps he's seeing this as some kind of prolonged holiday from family life??? What an ar$e.