I don't want to change my name - am I being a total b*tch?

My lovely Boy was entirely happy with my decision. In fact, he said that I wouldn't be the girl he wanted to marry if I was the kind of girl who wanted to change her name (not make it sound like any girl who wants to change her name is a particular "kind", just it's not really us).

I'm still undecided. I don't have any particular attachment to my surname (sorry to hear that yours has such a bittersweet association), but if I do take his name I will share a name with a very famous agony aunt from the 80s.....! To be honest, he doesn't seem that bothered.

Is there any way you could 'splice' your names, ie, take a bit from yours and a bit from his? You'll create a whole new unique name! Apparently this is becoming more common.

Your name is a very personal thing. It's your identity and a part of who you are. Explain this to your family- perhaps tell them that you wouldn't feel like 'you' any more? Hope you manage to sort something! ?

I used to really want to keep my surname as our line will run out because all of my generation are females. But someone told me it will run out whether or not I have my current surname as I am a female so it runs out (if that makes any sense at all!) basically it needs to be a male to keep it on.

I understand you wanting to keep a tie with your late brother, which is wonderful - but maybe he wouldn't want you to upset your h2b just because you want to keep a tie with your brother. You'll always have a tie anyway babe, you're family!

I can also understand why your h2b would be upset.

The point where your first name is similar to h2b's surname - I wouldn't worry too much about it. There are all kinds of names that are like this - can keep it as a funny joke when you meet people or something!

At the end of the day though, it's your choice to change it or not

X

I think you should do what makes you happy and ultimately it is YOUR name and you o have to live with it for the rest of your life!

If you do however concede and change, what about if/when you have children, have a an extra middle name (the one before their surname) which is your current surname? That's if you don't double barrel of course. I had a friend that has done this as a way of carrying on her family name with both of her children. :-)

It's certainly not obligatory, and plenty of men take the woman's name, or double barrel it.

When I got divorced 3 years ago I kept my married name as I couldn't be bothered to go through all the hassle of changing it back, or telling everyone, and it was the same as the kids names. But after a lot of cr*p from him I wanted to remind myself who I really was, and the person I'd lost sight of, so now use my maiden namd as a middle name.

Maybe something like this would be a compromise for now, and tell your OH you'll live with it for a while to get used to it, and maybe take it on at a later date? Say use his surname as middle for now, then swap if you want to to yours being in the middle.

Thanks for replies everyone.

One of his arguments was that if we ever have kids I will have a different surname (don't get me started on the assumption that the kids have to take the mans surname). So I suggested that we all double barrell (him included) or that we create a new surname for all of us. He thought this was stupid and does not want to change his name (infuriating since he expects me to do something he would never do). He's such an easy going bloke that I never expected it to be such an issue for him. I suppose for me to double barrell would be the easiest solution although it will be a right mouthfull..

I know my family would be supportive of me if I decided to keep my name, they just think the right thing for me to do would be to change it. I am trying to be diplomatic about it but inside there is a spoiled brat stamping her feet and shouting 'WHY SHOULD I' AGGHHHHHH.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I am coming around to the idea of taking my surname as a middle name. Even though it will be well wierd!

I'm with you and I won't be taking my OH's name. It's mainly because I can't be bothered changing my name on everything and because I prefer my surname to his and partly because I'd like to maintain my seperate identity and not feel like I've joined his family IYKWIM?

My family think it's cool, my friends think I'm weird as all my married friends took their husband's name, my engaged friend is looking forward to taking her fiancé's name and my single friends want to take their future husband's name too.

My OH was a bit put out at first but he got over it. I don't think it has come up in conversation with his parents.

Oh and WRT future children, we already have two children and they have double barrelled surnames. So OH has his name, I have my name, we both keep them the same and the kids have both of our names. It works for us :-)

I have kept my name. It means too much to me to let it go and my allegences are with my family not my H's if I am honest!

To begin with my H was quite upset, but he got used to it. I offered him double barrelled if he would also do it, but when he refused he began to see my position! He also began to understand my point about not being anyone's property and the history behind name changing when we discussed it fully.

His family don't get it. One of his brothers even said "what's the point of getting married then? and we do get the occasional Christmas card from his close family to "Mr & Mrs...". I feel no need to repond to something not addressed to me!

It's becoming so much more common these days and this pleases my feminist nature.

I totally understand your dilemma.

I want to keep my maiden name, mainly because my father died when I was 12 and, as both my older sisters have since married, I am the only one of the family left with his name and it feels like the last link I have to my dad. My fiance knows this and, at first, made some sympathetic noises, but has since put his foot down and insisted that I take his name.

The other part of my dilemma is that my fiance's surname is double barrelled, so I can't even double barrel his with mine. Triple barrelling is ridiculous and out of the question. I asked him whether I could double barrell my name with half of his surname and again, he threw a tantrum.

I just think it is so unfair of men to look as if they have been mortally wounded when you even suggest keeping your own name, when they expect us to entirely change ours.

So, it looks like I have no choice but to change it once we're married. I have managed to strike a deal whereby my maiden name will be used as a middle name if we ever have children. I think that's the best I can hope to achieve!

x

That's not a spoilt brat inside you. You are being very diplomatic - you have considered your reasons and explained them fully. It's not like you're saying "just because".

It's a difficult decision to make if you have reasons for wanting to keep your maiden name. I know a lady who kept hers because she built up a name for herself in her profession and didn't want to loose that which she had worked so hard for. She felt a strong connection with her name. Myself on the other hand - I don't and really like OH's surname, but if my circumstances were different I would hope that I wouldn't feel pressured into taking a name I didn't want to just on the grounds of it being the traditional (even worse "right") thing to do.

Your HTB has every right to feel what he feels, but don't consider yourself to be "spoilt" for wanting something different.

I hope this helps a little.

To address and issue in a couple of the posts, how dare any person INSIST that you do a particular thing with your name.

If Boy had dared to do so, I wouldn't have married him.

I've got to say if my fiancé threw a tantrum or presumed to tell me what I can and can't do with my own name there'd be no wedding at all!!

Thanks everyone. I might have to show him this thread!

Just out of interest, those that didn't change your names, did you change your titles? So do you have Mrs in front of your maiden name? Er thats probably the daftest question EVER! x

For me, this was made infinitely easier by using the title "Dr". However, when I've been pressed into using something else (drop-down boxes, not wanting to "correct" other people who've started with "Is it Miss or Mrs?"), I've opted for Miss Maiden Name.

JennyH10 I agree completely. He has told me to do what I want but that he will be devastated if I don't take his name. If he told me i HAD to...he'd be getting a diamond ring removed from his rectum! x

I have taken to using Ms and my maiden name (still engaged, no set wedding date yet) and I'll continue to do so after I'm married.

Hear hear.

BTW every time I read your signature it reminds me of OH's youngest sis who is a particularly difficult Emma. Recent developments have seen her report she no longer intends to wear a white dress on the day as she won't be attending. She does seem to be coming for us LOL.

I love my last name and reeaaallly don't want to change it, especially as I don't particularly like his last name, but i'm changing it, because to me it's part of the commitment of marriage. But then i'm very traditional and i don't think most people are these days.

*slightly tongue-in-cheek provocation*

So you don't think women should have the vote? That is, of course, the traditional way. If that's what tradition is, I'm proud not to be so.

Uh oh I had a feeling this might provoke a reaction (and I also had a feeling you'd step up to the plate FTLOMB!) Being traditional these days seems to be more and more controversial. I'm also going to say "obey" in my vows - gasp!! Haha! Everyone's different. I'm not traditional in every aspect of my life but I am when it comes to marriage :-)

Completely this. No-one can insist that you change your name. I'm actually quite horrified at this. Voice an opinion, yes, insist, no no and no again.

I think that's a bit unfair, some people are traditional, it doesn't mean they're repressed or living in the 18th century.

I'm not traditional, but my other half is. We are both getting quite good at compromising. I think we have found a compromise with agreeing to have my maiden name as future middle names for our children. We have both compromised a lot on the actual day too, I get my small intimate ceremony, he gets his huge reception. It seems to me that's what marriage is all about - finding middle ground - you're not going to agree on everything all the time.

I'd rather keep my maiden name, but then he'd rather have 80 people at our ceremony (we're having 12!). Give and take and all that.

That's because "being traditional" is completely out of step with the modern world. There's a reason why traditions change.

I looked very carefully at "obey" in my wedding vows, becasue in the Christian tradition it really doesn't mean what everyone takes it to mean. The otehr side of the vows is that your husband never asks you to to do anything he knows you wouldn;' choose for yourself, so "obeying" him is a no -brainer.

However, we just knew H's family wouldn't get it, and it would cause all sorts or ructions, so in the end decided not to.

If they're "traditional", what era ARE they living in? I mean, what era does the word "traditional" relate to?

I may be wrong on thi, and possibly a generalisaiton, but it seems to me that the younger the bride, the more she wants to change her name? Is it a rite of passage ("Look at me, I'm grown up enough to be married?") that becomes unneccesary as you mature?

Um thahts' a bitt hrash!

(ops sorryy for typos, my typewriter's playing up today )

Harsh - maybe. But I was smiling when I wrote it. Just banter....honest.

And perhaps your "traditional" values are epitomised by your use of the word "typewriter". That's so last century, dahlink.