I have got a huge problem...

Can you still walk down the aisle with both, but have your stepdad do the speech and sit at top table, to give him the full "father of the bride" role, while still acknowledging your birth father?

TBH, there's no way you can change your mind without insulting your real dad, even if you try to soften it by offering him another role to play. I have a similar problem, but instead of my step dad giving me away (he's only been with my mum since I was 13), I wanted my mum to give me away. The problem is, if my dad comes I wouldn't want to insult him by doing that, so I've told my mum that while I want her to walk me down the aisle, if my dad comes (and it's a big if) I will walk down the aisle alone to avoid conflict.

I plan to just tell my dad that it's a small room and there's not enough room to have someone walk me down the aisle if he comes. But then again, I'm the kind of person to try to minimize any problems. I just don't want any added stress to the day. My SIL had both her parents walk her down the aisle, even though she doesn't get on with her dad, and later she said she regretted having her dad do it.

So, maybe if you talk to your real dad and suggest something else in exchange you can minimize the hurt or saying you would rather your step dad give you away and have what you really want.

My step sister was in a similar situation. her dad really didn't have much to do with her but he'd assumed he was to give her away dispite not helping in her life and certainly not towards her wedding. She had my dad (her step dad) give her away (she asked me if this was ok and I had no objections) but when her dad found this was to be he made a huge whohar about it and he and his entire family ended up not comming. SS was not bothered by this at all and hasn't spoke to her dad or his family since that was 3yrs ago and they've never even met her son.

I think if you don't want to risk offending anyone then stick with it or go the aisle alone (I'd probably go for this) but if , like my SS you're really not fussed, tell it how it is. hope you work it out what you choose is right even if others don't agree ?

I think I will speak to my real dad, when I asked him if he would like to give half of me away, i didnt get the reaction i was looking 4, instead of 'yes i would love to', i got 'well what do i do?' so i am starting to wonder if he even wants to. if he doesnt, perfect, but if he does, then I guess I will just have to stick with how it is. I don't want to offend anyone, I just wish I could go back and change a few decisions....

Warlycarly this is a difficult one - I can understand how strongly you might feel about this, and I think you are doing the right thing (albeit much more difficult and uncomfortable option) by speaking to your real dad and trying to explain how you feel. My cousin is in a similar situation (although she is equally as close to her real dad and her step dad to be fair) and she is having her step dad ride in the car from home to the venue with her, and her real dad will meet her at the door of the church. If your dad appears to be upset by you deciding you don't want him walking down the aisle with you, then maybe there might be a similar compromise you could reach?

Although ultimately if you don't want him to walk you down the aisle, then you don't have to have him do so - to many people this is quite a symbolic act and is an honour to undertake, you shouldn't feel you 'have' to include your real father out of duty....I can understand why others would just avoid this conflict though, it is a very difficult situation.

Let us know how you get on.

That is a tricky situation. The way I would look at it, is how much do you NOT want your dad to give you away? If you really, really don't, then speak to him and explain that the original idea you had in mind doesn't "work" well (you could say it would look odd?) and that you would rather he does [insert new role for dad here!]. He won't be happy, we know that much but at the end of the day, it is you and your h2b wedding, both your special day not anyone elses so do what makes you happy. Otherwise you may regret it...

x

I would have a quiet word and ask him if he wants to do it as he didn't seem that keen when you asked him. Tell him you wouldn't be offended if he didn't. Hopefully he will back out :-)

This is what I am hoping for.

Thank you all for your replies, watch this space, I will keep you all informed whatever happens.

What other role could I give him? I have been thinking about this more and more. When I was 9, my stepdad adopted me, so to me I feel like my real dad has already given me away, So I don't think he now has the right o give me away at my wedding. I do get on with him, and don't want to upset him, but it is really getting to me now, I call him by his real name and call my stepdad Dad, I really don't know what to do or how to tell him, without upsetting him....

What kind of ceremony are you having?

Are there any readings he could do?

My aunt didn't want her brother to giver her away (her dad is long dead) so had him read a poem before dinner and I thought it was a nice way to include him in the day.

We are having a civil ceremony. I dont think he would do a reading, hes the shy type (IYKWIM) I don't even know if he is going to make a speach....

Don't want to read and run, but I just want to say I am in a similar situation to you.

What I have decided is my 'step dad' (although he is like a real Dad to me) Is walking me down the majority of the aisle and my real Dad is is joining us for the last 1/4... (does that make sense?)

I think it is quiet symbolic for our relationship really. Like you, I have only known my real Dad since my early teens. So him joinng at the end sort of shows that he joined my life a little later. To me, it also means that they are both included- shows them they are both important to me.

HTH

Can you be open with your dad and talk to him about this ? as I think in this case honesty is definitely the best policy.

Possibly explain how you feel but tell him that you do want him to be part of your big day, suggest that you would like him to do the reading for you (if you like this idea) or ask if him if there is anything else he would like to do on the day that would make him feel part of your day.

Just remember this is your big day so you need to do what is right for you.

Good Luck x