I have made a mistake, haven't I? UPDATE

Gosh, yes, I would say that was a mistake. ?

Is this something you could talk through with your mum or your bother/sisters?

You never know, he may not respond. Or if he does you could just delete it, although I think that would take a stronger person than me to do. ?

Is there a way to block messages from someone on FR? I just thought that if there was no way you could read a reply it might take your mind off it iyswim.

Hope you're OK, it sounds as though things are playing on your mind. ?

I'd understand how this could be cathartic for you - i have written several letters to my childhood abusers but have never sent them.

I think you have made a slight mistake in actually sending it but on the other hand, my heart goes out to you for having the courage to send it. You may have to deal with the aftermath but it could be the closure you were possibly hoping for?

?

You haven't made a mistake at all. ?

Sounds like it still prays on your mind, so you need some sort of answers to get closure. I don't think they'll be the answers you want to hear, as I think most abusers convince themselves that they are right...surely?

I think you've been brave as hell even sitting down and typing out your questions, let alone sending them to him...to me jusy typing things makes them very real iyswim. I really hope if nothing else, that you've made him see that young kids grow up one day, and they don't forget, and I hope that makes him uncomfortable as hell.

No I don't agree with any of that. The fact she's terrified of the response says that he still has a big hold over her, and I do think it's a mistake. Therapy would help I'm sure, and then once out of the other side of that, and with consultation with the therapist, then *possibly* but only then. Sorry Shortie but I really don't think this is going to help how you feel at all. Quite the opposite in fact.

Thank you for your replies.

I have spoken to my older sister about it quite a lot. My older brother wants things left buried so I won't bring it up with him. My younger sister and brother are his children and they don't have contact with him. (They are very lucky for that). They were too young at the time and because they are his children they were not treated the same as us older three.

I hope it makes him uncomfortable but I know if he does reply it will be twisted so that it was all my fault. I am prepared for that.

My tummy is doing somersaults everytime I open my emails. I can't stop thinking about it and I am hoping that this will give me the closure I need.

I think I agree with what you have to say Nick. It probably won't help me at all. I have been referred for counselling and I am waiting for an appointment at the moment.

I think the reason I sent it today was because I had seen lots of old emails from him that I had forgotten about and for a few minutes I was feeling brave, now I have gone back to being scared.

Thank you for all your replies.

I agree with some of what you say. I think I also said it obviously still prays on her mind, and I don't think they'll be answers that she wants to hear, but I still don't think it was a mistake. She still has the option of deleting or not opening his reply (IF he even does reply), so it's not a foregone conclusion that she's going to get hurt by this. I still think she was very brave to type out her thoughts and send them.

I have received a reply from my ex-step father today. I actually feel fine about it. He can't see that he did anything wrong and there are so many lies in what he has written. He is pathetic. He has actually written it exactly how he speaks. I think I have annoyed him in sending my email. I know how he treated me was wrong and I know that my Dad is far from perfect. He thinks that he would have told me things about my dad that I didn't know but I know a lot more than he realises. This is what he wrote...

K,

When I first met you everything was fine, but as time went on you and E were always trying to provoke me in some way, like when you accused my other daughter of nicking something from you when she was there for the weekend, only for you to find it hidden away where you had put it, and the time you were asked to do the washing up, (SEVERAL times I might add) and all you had to do was put it in the dishwasher. What did you do, nothing because your mum said she would do it then you disappeared off to your bedroom. Then there was the time E was ASKED to do the washing up even though her friends were there and she argued the toss and flatly refused. She was trying to be the big I-AM that day only it backfired on her.

I suggest that you use the right words for question 2, I DID NOT bully you, all I did was shout at you when you didn't do the things your were asked to do, SO GET IT RIGHT.

I knew your mum had 3 kids and the reason I married your mum was quite simple, SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH MY DAUGHTER.

When people start slandering me like E did what do you expect me to do or say to her (how stupid can you be). As for J I have always told the truth to her. In actual fact you are mistaken it was on MSN

I think you were treated well considering the situation your mother was in when we first got together, or have YOU FORGOTTEN. Yes, I may have shouted a lot of the time, but, let me remind you, and you better take note of this, your mother was in a very nasty relationship with your dad i.e. he used to come in and if his tea was not on the table he would knock ten bells of S H 1 T out of your mother. Also, do you remember the time that your dad came in and threatened her with a knife and slashed the coffe table to pieces.

I suggest that you look very carefully at your family relationship prior to me being there. Also your mum wanted out of that house and by marrying me she could get a new place without having to spend anything, and before you reply about the trip to America. I DID NOT ask your mum to pay for me to go, she did it herself and asked me for advise, also I DID NOT ask her to help me with the car I had at the time.

By answering the previous question I have answered the last question.

This will be the last contact you will be able to make to me as I have blocked you

He is a cnut.

Well he comes across as a bully from his response. Now you need to put it behind you, delete it and hope he sticks to his word in not wanting to contact you again.

What a total knob he sounds.

xx

Gosh, what a charmer he is. I hope you manage to get the therapy you need to be able to move on from all of this, and from what went on before he was on the scene (he does make one good point I think, the one in bold. While it in no way excuses his behaviour or diminishes the responsibilities he had towards you and your siblings as a family, it is worth having a think about.) Much love to you, this must have been horrible to dredge up. I'd be inclined to reciprocate the 'block' in case he changes his mind and unblocks you. ?

I read this when you first posted about having written to him and didn't really know what to say of any use so didn't reply.

However now I feel as though, despite getting a response, you are stronger than even you probably thought you were. Sending the email wasn't probably the best idea but it's done and you have reacted well to his response. He sounds like a top class cunt and I think the fact that you can no longer contact him is a good thing.

I hope you get yor counselling appointment soon, one step at a time but I think the outcome of this can be nothing but positive for you x

It seems that he was and still is a controlling bully, he's the sort of person who will never admit he was wrong, so you really do need to just remove him from your life, get the most you can from counselling and move on.

He sounds like a bully and he obviously still likes shouting. He's making out that because he didn't treat you as bad as your dad(?) that it was ok to still be nasty to you.

Hope you can move on from this, knowing that it was definitely him, not you ?

Thank you for your replies.

I do have to discuss my Dad during my counselling sessions. I have many issues with him that are still on-going. My dad is an alcoholic and lives abroad so I don't really see or speak to him. It is very hard though. While my Dad does hurt me it is unintentional but what my ex-step father did wasn't. He knew exactly what he was doing.

What a cock. ?

I hope your counselling gives you some answers and some peace.

The fact that you were a child and he was an adult and he behaved (and still does by the looks of things) in such a manner gives me quite an insight enough.

Good luck with everything.

Gosh, Shortie, I don't know what to say, except moving on with your life is the best revenge.

I can completely sympathise as my brother and I had a weird childhood. We haven't discussed it much, but my Mum and Dad were so angry and enraged that they bullied us in weird and wonderful ways. The problem is they are still together and never discuss it, they just pretend it didn't happen. But I remember. Sometimes I think they were doing the best they could in the context of miserable lives, others I feel really angry. It wasn't a one-off loosing your temper thing, it was a series of self-esteem crushing, sometimes violent, angry, piss-takey events.

I only have two slight references - my Dad said, when I was 26 "one day you'll work out for yourself what your mother has done" and, when my son was born, my Mum told me that Dad had vowed not to treat his Grandchildren with the same anger he treated his children.

It's become a problem recently because my brother all but never sees them. I am sure this is behind it, but they don't think they've done anything wrong.

I have no desire to confront them because I know they will respond as your SD did. They would just say I was exaggerating, or making it up. I bloody well know I am not! However, a counsellor once said to me "what else would they say? How could they justify it?" and I think that is very wise, and apt to your SDs response too.

I hope I haven't made this post all about me, I wanted you to know I understand how you must feel, but I don't think you should expect an apology. Get the counselling and live a brilliant life he'll be jealous of. He knows what he's done in his heart of hearts ?

God, I feel sick having read this. I have just initiated divorce proceedings from my husband (married 3 years) because of the way he was with my 3 girls from a previous marriage and the response from your step father is just how my H would respond. I am thankful that I have found out how things have been and made my girls lives better but sick that I ever let it happen.

Shortie, I hope you are ok.

The guy is a top rate arsehole. I've been through a lot of this kind of thing and I'd be inclined to reply with 'Thank you for proving my point'. He may not get it of course, if he's blocked you. But as someone else said, just writing this stuff down can take a huge weight off your shoulders.

I'm not being flippant I promise, I know that situations such as these can really mess you up. But moving on is THE best thing you can do.

I hope you're ok ?

God... Shortie, I hope you manage to find some peace one day, and put him behind you.. I can't imagine what it's like to live like that, although I used to have a boyfriend who used to be very much like that.. We only lasted 6 months in the end, but it was the worst 6 months of my life..

Anyway, one thing that amazed me about what he wrote was the reason for marrying your mother- I would have expected something like "I love(d) your mother" etc etc... Just seems a VERY dodgy guy in every aspect!

? to you!

xxx

I am sorry that you and your girls have been through a similar thing.

If your H was anything like my ex-step father then there is no way you could have known earlier. He was very clever in what he did. It was never when my mum was around and he put huge guilt trips on to us like saying that we would end up homeless without him being around and that our mum would blame us for everything. We didn't say anything to her.

I don't blame my mum for staying with him as long as she did, she wasn't to know what he was like. I know that she feels guilt now because she didn't know anything sooner. She once caught him out but he managed to lie his was out of it.

I lived with him from the age of 9 until 16, so I know that I would have argued about doing the washing up at times, but honestly, what child hasn't!

I find his response laughable really.

Thanks again for all the replies. x

Shortie you've been incredibly brave and I admire you for that. Now delete the idiot's email and put him to the back of your mind- he's a controlling bully and he can't be allowed to have a hold on you now.

It must be the season for it because I've been through it this week with a mother who is trying to rewrite history to get my brother to be a bit warmer towards her. It's been a horrible week and all sorts of memories have been dragged up that had been forgotten for years. Clairy's post could have been written by me. If you need to talk to someone who's been through something similar you can PM me any time.