I need help - how to let things go?

I don't know what to say to make you feel any better Lois, sounds you like have a few issues to sort with your H though - not sure how you go about that when you've spelled things out already.

I have tried. not very hard admittedly, because mid conversation (we had been talking for about 30 minutes) he said 'I can't talk about this now' and that was that. That was a few weeks ago. I figured at first that he would bring it up at a more convenient time. i was wrong. So now that's anoying me too ?

L
xx

Oh I hate hate hate it when this sort of thing happens with me and my H. I can imagine how you feel and I'm sorry you feel so angry.

In our case its usually a combination of the fact that A) he's not a risk taker and B) doesn't want to disappoint me. So, what happens is that I come up with a plan (recent example is our new house extention) I discuss the implications with him, he seems agreeable to the idea, I make more solid plans (eg: getting 3 builders in to quote), I then give him even firmer details and ask whether he thinks its a good plan to proceed, whereby he throws his hands up in horror, refuses to discuss it and accuses me of putting too much pressure on him.

Are your H's reasons for not going ahead reasonable or is he just panicking now that the time to commit has arrived?

Has your H given you an acceptable reason as to why he doesn't want to go? I mean, other than "I don't want to" - is he worrying about money? Time off work? Some other implication? Can you not compromise? Maybe go there but via somewhere he is interested in - or go there for less time? I'm sure he can see how much this means to you and I'm sure there's a compromise isn't there? ?

I'm not sure what 'the thing' is that your h doesn't want to do but is it not something that you can either do alone or with someone else say a friend? My mum has always gone along with what my dad wanted (older generation though) and consequently has never been abroad as he doesn't like to fly and never goes out for meals or to the cinema either bevause he doesn't like doing that. He just likes going to the pub and she doesn't ,so that's that. They do rub along quite happily though and have been married for 44 years but I couldn't live like that. If I have something I want to do and no one to do it with I just do it alone (if possible)

Hope you get things sorted and feel better soon, I expect you need a good old cry to get it out of your system before you explode ?

WCBHS.

It must be very frustrating for you, i hope things work out.?

I'm sorry I'm not sure what to say other than you and your husband really need to sit down and properly talk about all the issues. If you keep putting it off (and believe me I've done the same and know how hard it is to have to sit someone down to talk about difficult things) the ball of rage will just grow and grow and you will end up resenting him. I hope it works out for you both and you can do whatever it is.

I'm not sure you need to let this go - I think you need to explain to your H that when he agrees to something that is important to you and then changes his mind without a good reason it's hurtful and unfair.

I'd be incredibly frustrated with what you've said too.

It's not something I can do alone. I keep telling myself that his brain is wired differently to mine. He just doesn't seem to get how upset I am, even though I said 'don't string me along on this I will be really upset'. Maybe because when I am upset I don't really get mad, I just withdraw? I know he must be thinking I am a right grump cow, but it frustrates me that to put things right it has to be driven by me. He will say everythig is fine as far as he is concerned.

L
xx

I've recently completed a course of CBT and the major things I have realised is that I can change myself but not other people; if I can't change a situation then I have to change my attitude to it and finally that if it still doesn't become bearable I've got to take responsibility for myself and make some tough decisions.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can't change your H but you can consider other options, e.g. doing it on your own, and take responsiblity for making yourself happy.

I don't know if that's any help but I hope it is.