I've just got back from my doctors surgery and I'm feeling as though I could do myself some real harm. I don't know what to do, who to turn to, what's right or wrong. My depression has been extremely bad recently and I've started to have several panic attacks each day, particularly at night. I have kept this to myself for the last 2 months but last night I told my husband. When they start it's like my heart is beating too hard and not in rhythm, then it feels as though something is constricting my breathing and my legs begin to tingle, then it subsides and goes. It feels as though I'm dying and I panic even more. I woke my husband up and cried, I told him what had been going on and he told me he would take the day off work to stay with me. I was so scared I had him watch over me as I fell asleep.
I have never had a good time with doctors since moving here four years ago. Previous to moving here I had been under the care of Northumberland mental health for 4 years. I had agoraphobia and couldn't leave the house for a few years. I was recieving Occupational Therapy, CBT and had meetings with a psychiatrist weekly.When I was 17 I made my first appointment in York, they made a referral for assessment which I waited months for and after the assessment the woman told me it would be a year to 18 month wait. In the meantime I was told to visit connexions in York, I felt annoyed that they were sending me there but I showed willing and tried. At the first appointment it seemed promising but at the second she had me drawing pictures of my problems and I called it a loss and left. At 18 after hearing nothing I asked for another referral and strangely the first had never been entered and so never existed. At 19 I finally got an appointment with a terrible psychiatrist who had already made her mind up about me, she told me to my face that I did not have depression even though the day before I had attempted suicide and had been self harming for years. She told me that I did not qualify for the adult services and that there were none suited to me. I explained that I had recieved numerous therapies in Northumberland and she said because I wasn't an adult (at 19?) I wasn't entitled to anything. After a lot of arguing she said she would write a letter detailing the plan of action. One week later a letter comes saying I have been discharged at my own request. We argued that she had lied and we were told to go back through the referral phase again, another 12 months. I lost all hope and became more depressed than ever and that is where I have been since.
Things are awful right now, I can't leave the house, if it wasn't for my husband I would starve because I wouldn't leave the house for food. I am scared of being alone and think someone is going to break in. Everything is so irrational. The panic attacks are terrifying me. So we went to the doctor, she was running 15 minutes late and when we went in it was obvious she wanted to hurry us. It was almost her hometime. I was brave, other times I have asked for help and sat quietly and had other people talk for me, I've shouted and asked for help, none have ever worked. I tried to be assertive, I couldn't hold any kind of eye contact. Me and Mark had rehearsed our speech earlier so I could do it myself so I was reeling things as we had planned them. She kept cutting me short and butting in to say stupid things. I explained that I felt I was dying during the panic attacks and that my paranoia was awful, I explained that my quality of life was zero and that I felt trapped. She then brought up Connexions. I explained we had already been there and found it unhelpful and she started to bully us, saying that it would show "willing" to get better, I got really angry and said that me even being in her office showed willing. I told her that it was an absolute ordeal just getting there but it did not register to her. She pushed it and pushed it, saying that because I am between the age of 16 and 25 I need to go there. They are not connected with the NHS at all, they are just a center for angsty little teenagers. I have done my research, I need anti-depressants and CBT. She asked us what we wanted her to do. Why?? She is the professional and she is asking us what we want from her?? If you went to the doctors with a fever would they ask you what you wanted them to do for you? If you went in with chest pain would they ask you what you want them to do? It felt as though she was asking us why we were even there. I KNOW there are services in the mental health for people of my age, I am not a child. I am a married woman who has lost eight years of her life. I begged her, I cried and told her that my life was empty and wasted, my husband argued with her. In the end I just begged her to start me on some anti-depressants. She explained that I had tried "many" in the past and found them unhelpful. I explained to her that that was years ago and we are now trying to treat severe anxiety and panic disorder. She then said she couldn't give us anti-depressants on the first visit and that I would have to come back another day. I explained that I had been to another doctor within the clinic who had given me anti-depressants on the first appointment. She retorted with "What other doctors do does not concern me, I do not find it good practice." I told her to look at my notes and see and she said I would have to have another appointment to give her time to read them, I have only visited the surgery a handful of times and it would have taken her one minute to read through the other doctors notes and she refused. I again told her about the other doctor and she got angry and spat at us that we should go and see him instead, I asked if he would require two appointments and she got irrate again and shouted "WELL COME BACK TO ME THEN!" I then asked for a referral to the mental health service where I had the problem with that other psychiatrist and she said "Oh well you know it will take 12 months don't you?" I explained that I knew very well about the waiting time, she expected us to say forget about it so was annoyed when I said continue with the referral. She then got angry again and said it would have to wait until another time. I explained that if she did it now then it would get the ball rolling and she refused. I finally begged her once more to give me something to tide me over and help me cope with the panic attacks and depression and she again refused, looking all smug with herself. I asked her directly if she had ever dealt with someone with agoraphobia and she sat back hard in her seat with her hands behind her head going "Oh, please!" I prompted her again and she said we would have to leave. I asked her if she had ever dealt with people with clinical depression and she leant forward in her seat and spat "You don't have clinical depression, people with clinical depression are not as assertive as you." I was so hurt and angry that yet again someone was denying that I had anything wrong with me that I lost it. I just lost it. I kept demanding anti-depressants, the referral, any kind of help at all. She then went on to say that she didn't think I had any kind of depression at all, stood up and opened the door repeating "this appointment is over, get out." I shouted at her that it was all about them not having enough budget, I yelled that she was being standoffish because she was running into her own personal time. She pushed us out and I shouted at her that she was an ignorant woman. She then said "Right then!" and started furiously typing at her computer. Probably writing up my notes which will now tarnish my chances of getting any help in future.
As anyone who has struggled to get any help with mental illness knows, once one ignorant person puts an incorrect note on your file they all follow suit. Now I have two people, a GP and a psychiatrist saying that I do not have depression. This connexions office is ruining my future because the doctors keep trying to save themselves money by sending "teenagers" to it. I need to be within the mental health system again in order to get medication to help stabilize my mood and help me cope. We are now sitting here upset and scared because we don't know where to go from here. It feels like there is nowhere to turn, no one to help me, no one wants to take the time to care. I never want to see that doctor again, I would swing for her, I wouldn't be surprised if she has removede me from the doctors surgery. I can't live like this anymore, what are my options? Wait until I'm over 25 so they can't use the excuse of connexions. I know they are witholding treatment from me which I desperately need. I have got a complaints form for that doctors but that's not going to help me at all. Please just help me, tell me what to do. I don't think I can cope for much longer.
