I think it might be over...long

?

Oh Hunny, I dont really know what ti suggest but didnt want to R&R other than ,perhaps he is very worried about being bankrupt and the cost of the wedding,living etc? I say this especially as he didnt tell you about it? In your 12 years together have you usually shared most things?

xx

Debs thats awyful you are having such a cr@p time.

Not sure that its over but it does seem like you need to sit him down and have a big heart to heart. I would tell him that you don't want to go on this way any longer and ask him where hes sees your future. It does sound like hes got his own issues that are troubling him and maybe, as you say, its a bit of a midlife crisis. It might just be that hes worried about other things like work, fiances etc that he is trying not to upset you about but in turn hes actually pushing you away and making you miserable.

Talk to him, tell him exactly how you are feeling and hopefully he'll open up and talk about whats troubling him.

Best of luck and let me know how you get on. ?

He has always been a private person but he has opened up to me a few times, the others have taken a bit of coaxing ☹️

Awww Debs ?

I am not sure what to say, I am wondering if he could be depressed ? I can imagine being declared bankrupt again would be a huge body blow to his ego, though I would be very concerned as to why he hasn't shared this with you ?? Has he always been untidy and possibly a little selfish or is it just a recent thing ?

How big is the age difference between you both. You look really young so I am guessing you were very young when you got together. Maybe he has got used to you taking care of absloutely everything and he now thinks it's the way things are done and at 54 he will probably be set in his ways. Reading what you say it sounds like a very one sided realtionship, you give and he takes, it's not healthy for you. You need to ask yourself what you want from the relationship, is this how you want to live for the next twenty years ? Do you go out together as it sounds like you are leading seperate lives, plus with the bloody lodger you will be having no time together.

I don't know what to suggest, maybe go away together on your own for a few days and really talk ? Maybe go and stay with your mum's for some breathing space and to clear your head, posiibly give him some food for thought about life without you or you can end the relationship ☹️

Your a lovely girl Debs and you definately deserve better than what you are getting at the moment

Suze xxxx

I have tried talking to him this morning, he is passing off the cleaning jobs he does to the lodger and I asked h2b what he was going to do and he said he didn't know, when I tried to press him he told me "just leave it please"...I'm not getting any straight answers...can't believe I was so stupid to get things organised for the wedding so soon! ?, I'm really starting to get fed up with his "Woe is me" attitude...it's as if the whole world is against him.

Debs that really awful, so sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time. I don't really know what to suggest, but its pretty clear things can't carry on like this - and how can you go on with the wedding thinking this is what your life together will be. Is there any way you could take a bit of a break, stay somewhere else for a week or so and let him have a think about what he wants? Sounds like he wouldn't make any decisions either way about the relationship and its really not fair leaving you in limbo and expecting you to carry on as normal.

I wish I had better advise for you, sending you big hugs ?

Thank you all for replying ?

When we 1st got together his mum was staying with him so the place was tidy. too be honest it's been that long I can't honestly say when things started oing downhill that way as his mum even commented on it one time, the selfish thing...has been there for years, we only go out if WE need to be somewhere together, we only go to the cinema when HE wants (sometimes I want to see the same thing), I told him about this before and he apologised saying he didn't realise he was doing it.

There is 26 yrs between us and we met when I was 17...I know things can be better and yes...he has suffered with depression in the past, he's even tried killing himself a couple of times.

If only he didn't shut down when he was feeling like this...there is no-one I can talk to, his mum is in her 80's and I don't want to worry her and even his mates wouldn't know whats going on cos he's too proud to tell them what's going on.

I have been looking at private rental and the more and more I look the more and more I don't want to start all over again if this can just blow over. I can't go back home because of the kitten as my mum has a dog and they don't get on, the other thing too is that I have soo much stuff here and my room at my mums is covered in wedding things.

Firstly Debs I really feel for you, this must be a hard situation to be in. What I would suggest is to think of a time when the 2 of you can sit down without any distractions and have a full and frank discussion about the present & future. Let him know about it in advance so he can have time to think about what he wants to say as well. I'm sure it will be a very hard conversation to have but hopefully at the end of it you will both know how each other is feeling and you can move forward together.

Debs I am so sorry to hear about this. I agree with most of what's already been said and it's cr@p that you feel like this. Can you get the lodger out of the house at all to give the two of you a few hours to just sit down and talk?

I'm afraid I have no advice to offer you other than that but have a ? and I really do hope it's just a phase or something and you can both work through it

Hmmm it's difficult, I suspect you want to push him into a heart to heart but if he is depressed and has attempted suicide in the past I can see why you would be reticent into doing that, not very easy for you though. Would he go and see the doctor to get help for it ?

Even when he is feeling happy he still seems to be selfish, only going to places when you have to and only going to cinema when he wants to, thats not fair, did things improve when you pulled him up for it ??

II think if you can't get through to him and he doesn't want to help himself, I would set myself a time scale of say three months then I would seriously think about whether this is the life I want myself. You say you have been looking for other places to live, that sounds like you are seriously unhappy.

I know the thought of starting over is scarey, believe me, I left my ex, moved 300 miles with a baby, leaving all my family and friends behind to start again, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. But it was also the best thing I have done.

I really hope you work things out Debs. Never ever settle for second best and being unhappy because the thought of being alone and starting over is worse, life is to short.

?

I dont really have much advice but didnt want to read and run.

Maybe he hasnt told you about being bankrupt again because he knows how much you have spent on the wedding and how much you care about it and he doesnt want to upset you? Not that i am condoning his behaviour or the fact that he didnt tell you. I agree with the others that you need to get some time alone and make sure you talk all this through.

Hope you sort it all x

Oh debs, I'm sorry. Don't know if I can offer anything useful, but it sounds like you both need to sit down and be honest and open wth each other, so you can figure out where you go next. Have you considered relationship counselling? It could help you both talk without it turning into a shouting match.

Really sorry about what you're going through. Maybe he can't face telling you about being bancrupt cos he doesn't want to let you down. He could be delibrately pushing you away as his way of dealing with the stress (if not intentionally then maybe subconsciously). I know this is something that I do to h2b when im stressed and can't face talking about things and I don't even know im doing it until I look back.

If he knows you are aware of his bancrupcy it may open the flood gates for him to talk about things. This can only be a good thing no matter what the outcome.

As for the lodger, it doesn't seem healthy to have him around when there's so much going on with h2b but im not sure what you could do about that.

Sorry I cant be more help but good luck with whatever you decide.

x

Reading through what you've put and reading between the lines it sounds very much like he is suffering from depression. Being depressed is very different from having depression......the latter is an illness and has to be treated as such in order to recover. If you're just feeling a tad depressed, you can be jerked out of it. The common mistake for some people is that someone suffering from depression can 'snap out of it'.......which just isn't possible. Another sympton of many sufferers is 'lock down' and shutting people out.....especially those that matter the most to you. The road to recovery is long and the first step has to to be admitting you have depression......which isn't easy. I can give you loads of insight into the problem as I've been both the suffer and on the receiving end......and both positions are equally awful....so I feel for you. Unfortunately, I have no answers, but hopefully my ramble might give you food for thought.

Thats exactly what i was going to say, i think maybe the bankrupcy thing may have been a bit of a trigger and maybe he didnt tell you as he didnt want to worry you with all the wedding stuff going on, hopefully you guys can get some support and advice from your G.P or such like and you can get back on track, all you can do is be there for him if this is the case but try not to tread on eggshells around him too much or things will start to get you down more than they already are,

i really hope you can work through this, big hugs x x

Well this might sound a bit harsh, but I don't think you should have a heart to heart. He is obviously not interested in discussing anything with you and you have given him plenty of opportunities. I would start giving him an ultimatum. Getting married is not going to make things any better so I would hold off with any more organising until you know where you stand. Get rid of your lodger yourself if you have to, he's obviously not helping matters. Start thinking of yourself for a change, instead of two people who are making your life miserable.

Good luck and kit.

xxx

I agree with nicola im afraid. He's losing interest in many things and sadly that includes your relationship. I think marriage would not be in your best interests. Have a good think about what you want. Do you want to be a skivvy or a happy loved up wife? The lodger isnt helping your situation either, not good for the two of you.

I think you should consider moving back home, even if it means giving up the kitten (( Its easier to be together than not, I've been through it myself but when unhappiness is so evident then its time to make changes.

all the best babes, x

This is a bit harsh but you only get one life it's not a rehersal. Are you happy, when you are 10 years down the line will you be saying things are great or I wish I had got out while I could. It's scary starting again but you have got half a lifetime ahead of you

Don't know how I missed this until now but didn't just want to r&r.

I'm with sandysounds and lornawilson... It sounds like depression which is horrible for both the sufferer and for their partner. As much as he's pushing you away, it's likely that he needs you the most right now.

Do you think it would be at all likely that he would distance himself from you thinking you might leave him if he told you he'd been made bankrupt? Bearing in mind the depression thing? Perhaps he thinks it's easier if he does, and will cause himself less hurt if you do walk away because he pushed you IYSWIM?

But, you also have to be selfish and think about yourself - are you happy? Do you think the two of you can be happy again? Because although things must be horrible for you at this point in time, do you really want to throw your future with him away as well?

Not sure if that helps or not. You know where we all are if you need us

I've read this post with both a critical eye and one of an emotional stance and I'm afraid even if your OH is having depression issues...he's 26 years older than you and should have sorted out his finances etc years ago.

I'm sorry but I seriously wouldn't hang about waiting for this guy to sort himself out, I think he's probably into far too much of a habit doing things his way...and by the sounds of it, not doing it very well.

Apologies if I have misread the information...

I have to be honest and say that I'm agreeing with the harsher comments.

If you have tried to talk to him and he's not responding to your obvious care and love for him... then maybe its time to reconsider things.

You don't sound happy and I think that if your getting married to someone the key thing is that you bring out the best in eachother and supress the worst.... you should also always be honest, open and not be afraid to put eachother back in your boxes when your in the wrong.

It sounds like your man is needing to look after himself atm and that my dear is certainly no good for you. I'm not saying that he is a bad person but by the sound of your posts you seem like a wee lost soul who's walking on eggshells.

I know you must love him, but you need to think whether or not your good for eachother (not just if your good for him).

Just do a bit of soul searching and figure out if you see change happening on his part, if not.... please reconsider your options... for the sake of a happy life.

xoxo

Hi Debs

Just read this thread and didnt want to read and run sending you hitched vibes ? I dont really have much in the way of advice but I sincerley hope you sort something out and that you are happier soon

xx

Didn't want to R&R....Big hugs. Only you know whats best for you, but In my opinion I think you need to spend some time making your mind up what you want, and whether you want to be in the relationship.

You can't spend the rest of your life worrying about him and all thats going to happen is its going to grind you down. Take a break from him and make him realise he needs to take some responsibility and grow up

x x x

Really sorry to read about what a rubbish time you've been having ☹️

I used to suffer with depression and dealt with it in a very similar way to your man. I shut everyone out and treated the people I love horribly-I never intended to but I just did. Thankfully it didn't last too long with me. If I were you, I would give him some space but if you want to stay with him then you need to be supportive. Perhaps it would be best to stay somewhere else just for a little while but make it clear that if he doesn't pull himself together then you won't be putting up with his behaviour for much longer. Give it a little time and I'm sure he'll realise what you mean to him and treats you a little better. The break might give you a break too and help you clear your head for a fresh start.

Hope it works out for you x