if its not one thing its yer mother (in law)

Fake your own death?

Move?

You have something very contagious.

HELPFUL and PLAUSIBLE suggestions you fcukers ?

Work conference/team building bullcrap/project in a different part of the country/world...

Photography club week away

Scheduled cosmetic surgery

Friend's wedding/barmitsva

Or, you can do what I used to do and just hide..?

Scheduled cosmetic surgery?? - a new face; you could run away and change your identity and she'll never find you

Your other wife is giving birth to trplets and you'll be on paretnity leave in Cornwall? It won't make her hate you more than she already does.

PMSL at faking your own death.

Find another TV cooking program that films at the same time?

Stop being a wuss and deal with it ?

I vote for honnesty, Tell her you can't stand her and so to avoid the possibility of you accidentaly bludgening her to death with something you'll be staying out of the way. Surely that will garner you some brownie poitns too?

Alternatively tell her that you know your missus misses her mummy terribly and you appreciate this is valuable mummy daughter time and thus you will mainly be leaving them to it.

Tell her you're not called Nick anymore, it's Nicolette, you're a pre-op transexual and that's the week you're going in to get your knackers chopped off and your boob implants.

i ve done that. i ve told her we dont get on, we dont like each other, we dont even want to see each other. however, she is victorian, and thinks we should "make an effort" for "appearances". i even called her a fcuking pathetic love sick teenager once and that hasnt worked either.

Can you perhaps arrange to go away for a couple of days - that will give her the chance to see the new house - and then perhaps arrange a few days break away/spa weekend or something for her and MrsNick?

i ve tried the latter. they said yes please, but she s coming here anyway, so i m paying for a cottage, which she s accepted (she s tight too) ?

last time i went to eastern europe to get away from her ?, it cant be work related, must be another sort. arrrggghh HELP ME! ?

Imaginary best mate gets binned off by his imaginary wife and to prevent him imaginarily topping himself, you have to go and stay with him in his imaginary house. Aka The Ritz.

?

Gah! i m going out for dinner shortly, so wont be back. will look tomorrow.

there s a prize for hte best suggestion. a mars bar. and for the worst, a crow bar.

Get some of your mates to carjack her on her way to your house and tell them to take her hostage and make ridiculous ransom demands over the next few days. You finally manage to get the ransom money raised on the last day of her visit so she'll be forever in your debt and then she'll obviously just have to go straight back home to recover from the trauma. Tell your mates they have carte blanche with the interrogation/hostage tactics and can bind and gag her for 23 out of 24 hours if they feel it necessary to do so..... can you tell I don't get on with my mother in law and have had similar thoughts? ?

For the right price (and possibly a reciprocal arrangement!) I might even volunteer myself - nobody would ever be able to link us, I mean, who has internet weirdy friends that would do that sort of thing, right?

Donate your services as a wedding photographer to a complete bridezilla* on Planning. Have them run you ragged. It will take you 4 days to get through the list of shots she wants of all of the relatves.

* not that there are 'Zillas on Planning, oh no.

Holiday in NZ. Wave as you pass each other in the airport.

Have a "huge fight" with MrsNick the day before she arrives, storm out into the night and don't return until she's gone.

Pot holing accident, you're stuck and won't get out until you've lost 3 stone?

? I like this one.

Can't you just kill her? The mother in law, not Mrs Nick. Although bumping off Mrs Nick would also solve your problem....

ROTFL

you've been recruited by the secret service and will be engaged in valiant deeds on behalf of queen and country. at ahem, the ritz.

You've won a prize draw and you're off to New Zealand?

Jury service. High profile case. So high profile in fact that you can't say which one. You also have to be incarcerated incommunicado in a hotel for the duration and afterwards you can't discuss it. At all. Not ever.

Later, should you need to, you can go on a 'residential counselling session' to relieve yourself of the mental torment of the experience (the court case that is, not Mrs Nick's Mum coming to stay).

Or you've been invited for an audience with the Dalai Lama/ Nelson Mandela/ Michael Jackson

Ooooh, jury service is a good one. Or, you're on the shortlist for Big Brother 10 and you have to be incarcerated for two weeks with no phone or email at... The Ritz.

How about a fake stag weekend which is wine tasting in italy/france....

Your great friend Mr Bunbury is terribly ill with the galloping lurgy. You went to see him and, as a result, have been put in quarantine.

ETA: in the Ritz.

A Hitched meet ?

You've come down with a highly virulent and multi-drug resistant strain of TB. You've been rushed to hospital (the Ritz) and are being kept in a containment ward to prevent spread to other people, you are not allowed visitors under any circumstances.

I've found the perfect way to prevent my in-laws visiting, we live in a really rough area and FIL won't risk parking his BMW outside of our house. We would love to move next year, but then they might start visiting again, so I'm reluctant to ?

You've gone on a male bonding retreat* and aren't allowed to speak to any women in case it saps your masculinity

*in the Ritz