I'm not sure I can do this....

It does kind of sound like you want different things out of life. To be honest I am not sure how a sexually open relationship can work if only one partner is up for it, even if it is all totally out in the open. Based on what you have written I think you are best off looking to end the relationship in the least painful way possible for everyone involved. Or if you want to continue would I suggest postponing the wedding and going to Relate.

I really respect your openness and honesty about your relationship, it's interesting because obviously your relationship is perhaps different from the norm, and it's almost like it's based on a trust that it's ok to do certain things that other people would consider trust breaking, if that makes sense? What I wonder is whether OH is getting cold feet about whether he feels ok about it, it could be that he's said he's fine all along etc. because he loves you and wants to be with you, but perhaps sleeping with other people and actually having feelings for someone else that are longstanding and serious are two different things in his mind? Have you been friends with Tom for longer than you've been with OH? If so I can definitely understand why OH feelings threatened, perhaps he thought before that one night stands etc. would always mean less than your relationship, but Tom will mean more so he probably thought he'd always be fine but possibly isn't. In terms of the lying, as it was near the beginning it could have just taken him a while to adjust from the usual gut instinct to lie and cover your back when you're not sure whether you're going to get into trouble etc. that most people revert to, so I don't know, I'd probably forgive him for the lying bits. The more important thing is you feel you're marrying the wrong person, I'd focus on your feelings about that and forget the lying and Tom stuff.

Thank you both, for not jumping on my and calling me a selfish whore or something

Marianne, I can't forgive him for lying. It happened twice and I gave him so many chances to be honest with me after he lied the first time. I asked him several times over the last three years and he still denied it, knowing how I felt about lying.

I've been friends with Tom ten years longer than my OH, so yes I totally understand he feels threatened, but he's always told me in the past if there's one person he's not comfortable with and I've respected that. This time he said he was fine, I even gave him a chance to think about it, and he came back and said it was fine. Then this happens.

As for the Poly thing, we're both open sexually, but emotionally, I'm the only one who's open. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

Hubby = Open with sex but not emotions

Me = Open with sex and emotions

FOO - My mother has paid for the wedding, I feel like if I back out now ...she will never forgive me. And I've not been the best daughter in the past

Ah ok so the emotional thing is a key difference for you guys, and it sounds like things are changing for OH perhaps because he maybe never thought there'd be a serious emotional contender? If you feel you're not sure you want to go ahead you definitely need to sit down and chat with him about it, I wouldn't go ahead with it only because of the money and your mum, I don't think any mum would want that for their daughter to enter into marriage uncertain. You have 6 months so you have time to truly sort it out you know? I'd say don't waste those 6 months to decide, and yes have a proper talk.

It looks like deep down you know that getting married is the wrong thing to do. It does look like you resent your other half over the way he treats Tom and the more he treats him like this then the worse things will get between you both.

Getting married is only going to trap you both.

I would suggest that the wedding is postponed if not cancelled and leave things as they are. Only time will tell whether things with the OH will be resolved or whether you're best to go your own way.

x

Yes. You are wrong.

Your post displays nothing - absolutely nothing - of the love and respect you should feel for your future husband. Your tone is one of disdain and disgust for him, not to mention a fair helping of blame displacement.

I'm not remotely interested in judging the rights and wrongs of the machinations of your relationship. But listen to yourself, honestly. Your husband to be, this man you claim to be your perfect partner has, for reasons that are probably explicable to everyone here except you, clearly CHANGED HIS MIND about what's happening with you both.

If you get that's he's upset and that he has cold feet, instead of railing against him, calling him names and demanding that your latest squeeze be treated with respect, try to have, I don't know, some f*cking empathy.

I'd say you have a choice to make. But it's clear you've already made it. The kindest thing you can do is end it. And if I were you, I'd try to do a little growing up during your "single time".

I usually apologise for being harsh. but not here. Your behavior (not the sex stuff, the interpersonal stuff) is disgraceful.

EXACTLY what footlong said.

Especially this...

This is really just a question- it's not meant to be a judgement, so please forgive me if it comes across that way!- but I'm just genuinely intrigued by your situation as it's nothing I've ever encountered before and if it works for you, then hooray, etc.

However, if you are both open to seeing other people, why get married in the first place? It just throws a very interesting slant on the reasons that people get married. I expect a lot of people would answer something along the lines of security, exclusivity and commitment, but I'm not sure if this reasoning would apply in your case. If you're both happy seeing other people (and, in your case, building emotional relationships with them), what's the purpose of the extra commitment?

I also couldn't help noticing that your ticker states "XX days til I lose my freedom". Would you see marriage as being 'trapped' or was this a throwaway thought? Maybe your OH sees marriage as his chance to finally get a 'claim' on you, which he's not been able to have before because of your emotional / physical freedom?

Tell me to mind my own business if I'm being nosey, I just have a boring 'normal' relationship and find this quite interesting! ?

Whilst it isn't me for me (and I hope my H!), I can understand how people operate in a sexually open relationship. I always thought the reason why they are able to, is because they use outsiders for their sexual enjoyment, but the love, trust and emotional relationship is only shared between themselves. I can see why your partner is having doubts, what makes him your special one, your one and only, your life partner? How is he superior to your friends and acquaintances? It is a human need to feel wanted and secure, and currently, I'm not sure what he is getting from you/your relationship.

You're not a brat, you're not a whore, I don't know you enough to pass judgement. However I do think you need to consider your partner's feelings here. Feelings change over time, we are allowed to change them. Just because you still feel the same doesn't mean he has to. If you wish to keep your relationship, maybe you need to reconsider your emotional relationships with other men.

If you can't do that, perhaps he isn't the man for you.

Says it all, reading between the lines your mind sounds made up

Is this a wind up?

Normally I wouldn't comment on threads like this because I have nothing constructive to add but seriously you can't get married when things are like this.

You either need to sit down and discuss things and work at it or you need to make the break (personally I think it should be the break but only you can decide this).

I genuinely have no idea how people can conduct a relationship like this, I could *maybe* understand the sex with other people thing but I have no idea how you can share yourself emotionally with two people.

(When I say I can maybe understand it, I actually can't, I don't get it but I do truly believe in monogamy)

Skeptical, my ticker is purely a friendly joke between us. He was there when I made it. We laughed. No malice at all. I couldn't have been looking more forward to the wedding at that point.

Everyone here probably thinks that I forced this situation on him. Not true. He told me a while ago that he used to enjoy using high class brothels and things, so I said he could if he wanted, as long as it wasn't some dirty place, to which he said he'd never attend anyway. He instigated the idea of it and I just pulled it out into the open and said "well why don't we just be open then?". He agreed and has been absolutely fine with it since. He has no issue with the physical freedom at all. He also has no issue with my emotional freedom, it's purely Tom because of the closeness me and him have.

ForTheLove- As for me growing up ...You have only been told one bit of this story, granted so I do understand why you'd see that. A few things though, I haven't been displacing blame. I'm fully responsible for any issues with Tom, however, unless someone is honest with you then how do you know how they feel? Am I supposed to be a mind-reader? Because I'm not.

What I have been trying to say here is that there is two sides to this. He lied about something very large throughout our relationship, and yet I'm being given the *** treatment over something which I did everything possible to make him comfortable with. I told him that if there was an issue, I would end it. He always maintained there was no problem.

So forgive me for feeling slightly disturbed by his lack of honesty with me. I have done everything up until this point to understand his feelings, thoughts and points of view. He hasn't given me that respect.

JoJo - No, as I said to Skep, he's fine with the open relationship thing. It's just Tom.

Besides, Tom is mentioned here as PART of the story, not the whole story. I seem to be the monster here over something that I've been honest and open about from the start.
Despite not being able to talk about what it is hubby lied to me about ...it was a BIG, GODDAMN LIE and it's not shifting blame ...it's severely severed a trust somewhere.

Thank you to everyone for your opinions, I do respect them all.

To be honest love, and this is just my opinion, but emotionally open with other people + marriage to one guy= not gonna work sweetie. I know couples who are swingers and their marriages work (with A LOT of tears, pain and just sheer determination to last) but emotionally being in love with one person and married to another? Thats a different ballgame. Sex can just be sex if both people are into that but loving someone other than your husband is just nearly impossible to make work. I can only imagine the pain I'd feel if my fiancee told me he loved someone else. The RNC would have me in the drunk tank tonight if that happened cause I wouldn't be able to handle it and I don't know many that could. I'm not speaking as someone whose never seen these things happen either. I'm in the 'goth alternative' scene and polyamorous couples and swingers are fairly more common than in 'norm' areas but when polyamorous is involved it has never worked out. I always ending up having to listen to them cry and moan once again about how their 'main' bf doesn't like their four other boyfriends and its like...maybe maid you should take some time to figure out what you truely want instead of trying them all on for size? I know that sounds judgemental but if someone wants to be polyamorous-sure go for it, but realise that long term romantic relationships and something like marriage probably isn't going to happen. So what do you want ? To be polyamorous with a few lovers or settle down with one you truely love and can't see yourself loving anyone else while with him/her? Can't have your cake and eat it too is what I'm getting at love.

Cherry, I totally understand where you're coming from. However, I do not have several partners, and despite the fact we're sexually open, I haven't actually slept with anyone else since we've been together. I didn't feel the need to.

"Cherry, I totally understand where you're coming from. However, I do not have several partners, and despite the fact we're sexually open, I haven't actually slept with anyone else since we've been together. I didn't feel the need to."

I never said you had several sexual partners. If you had more sexual partners and wasn't in love with someone else you probably wouldn't be in this position since it seems being 'open sexually' is okay for your fiancee but not emotionally.

All the ins and outs and who does what and fancies who really don't matter (although I don't get it).

If you think you might be marrying the wrong person, you probably are.

But you knew he'd lied all along and let it go.....then now when he's told the truth you are flipping out.

You have what you said that you wanted: honesty, and you find you can't handle it after all. perhaps he knows you better than you thought.

He isn't the one. If he were you wouldn't be harbouring a crush on an old friend or telling your OH about it (what was that ever going to do but hurt him?). Part of love is tolerating the bits of another person that you don't like, but also it's about trying not to be/do the things that upset your partner. He's tolerating you crushing on your friends and telling him that you might sleep with other people; you can't blame him for not being happy about it ....how are you limiting the damage?

If he were the one then there is no way you could treat him so callously. Let him go for both your sakes.

What I have found "monstrous" is not what you're doing, but how you have responded to to the emerging situation. Your contempt for your future husband and how he feels is breathtaking. Not content with having far more cakes than any of us could reasonably manage, not content with discreetly eating them, you want to rub his nose in it.

You appear to have made the basic error of mixing sex/sexual desire and emotions. Bodies can be f*cked around, emotions can't. This is why I think you need to grow up.

I don't mean this to sound judgmental, as you and your partner are free to live your life and relationship how you want...but can I ask WHY you're choosing to get married? Doesn't it go against the ethos you both live your lives by, i.e. that you're free to sleep with other people?

I'm not saying your relationship is wrong at all. But it goes against a lot of the values of the institute of marriage. The two almost seem to conflict each other!

As an aside, I agree completely with Footlong and MOMB.

It's not even as if he's asked you to stop seeing your fancy bit - all he's doing is a bit of self preservation and pretending he doesn't exist. You say you are both on the same page - you're clearly not.

WTF?

Ha! I thought the same thing!

"You appear to have made the basic error of mixing sex/sexual desire and emotions. Bodies can be f*cked around, emotions can't. This is why I think you need to grow up. "

Thats what I was trying to get at to her in my messy post. Emotions are far more complicated than sex. Her fiancee was probably okay with sex but emotions are completly different and OP seems to not realise how much bigger of a pill to swallow loving someone else is. Yeah he said he was okay with it but sometimes how the person acts reveals more about their feelings than what they say. He knew if he had said no to her they would be over so maybe hes scared to admit he isnt okay with being open emotionally as well but his actions portray the truth.

My advice is to just free the man. Itll be easier for him to lose you now than after a marriage.

This is exactly what I was thinking whilst reading the OP.

I'm sorry I can't help. I'm not judging as I believe in each to their own and that if everyone was the same then life would be boring but I cannot relate to your relationship as the thought of either me or OH being with someone else breaks my heart a little as I feel it'd break our bond.

At the end of the day though you need to be happy and you cannot have doubts when you marry. Money aside, happiness is far more important. Same goes for your OH, he deserves to be happy too.

To be honest it sound to me like your possible future h2b fell in love with you and agreed to do anything he had to to have you (including letting you lust after and "love" other men - which in my eyes is just greedy!) and he probably hoped the situation would never materialise once you were together for a while/engaged to be married. Now you've been telling him you love this Tom he's probably raging inside with jealousy (don't blame him one bit) and trying to ignore it in the hope that it goes away.

As for my opinion of your situation - and this is MY opinion before any jumps on me! People who get married with these kind of relationship rules are pissing all over the sanctity of marriage and I hope and pray you do not choose to bring children into this mess. There are gay couples still having to fight every day to be able to legally marry and commit to that one person - yet you can get married!

Yep, me too.

I'm not going to jump on you, I wholeheartedly agree with this point

I may be going against the grain a little here, but I don't admire your honesty one bit. This isn't an open relationship where both parties are equally comfortable; you are having an emotional affair with this "Tom". Being honest about infidelity doesn't make it any less "cheaty". If I stole your wallet but owned up to it, I'd still be a thief.

Since you said you havent actually used the sexually open part of your relationship you havent really tested to see if your fiancee is actually okay with it, you dont know how he will react when its reality. It could be that he just wants you and only you for sex and emotion but will agree to whatever allows him to keep you. Thats just a possibility but you dont know until reality hits which looks like it has with this 'tom' guy.

Also another question since you havent actually been in reality 'sexually open' but its just there to use if you want...are you really young and using it as a cool sounding label? I dont want to sound condescending but there are younger people that label themselves 'open' or 'polyamorous' because they either think its a cool label or just aren't mature enough to be in one stable loving relationship yet and still need to play around-ie they aren't truely polyamorous but just young or 'sexually/emotionally young (as in inexperienced in sex and/or love)' and needing to play around for a bit until they develop that sexual or romantic maturity. Its not a bad thing to be either, we all have those phases where we are young and exploring and havent found 'ourselves' yet! But anyways just wondering cause ive noticed a lot of ppl that are young or 'sexually/emotionally young' using 'open' or 'polyamorous' labels like that.

Of course there are ppl that are both older and/or sexually older that are truely poly or open cause thats just for them and thats cool too but polys very rarely get married. Its kinda hard to be married and be in love to mulitple people

Sorry I'm a bit confused here too...Why are you getting married? If you havent slept with anyone else in the 3 years you've been together why is your relationship still open? Please forgive me if I sound nieve...I have a bog standard marriage with no bells & whistles!

Perfectly put.