I'm not sure I can do this....

You haven't slept with anyone else. He hasn't slept with anyone else. You fancy your long term friend but you wouldn't go there now, or in the future.

This is a monogamous relationship.

Why endeavour to label yourselves differently?

First things first, I don't mind anyone judging me harshly. It's not pleasant, but that's the situation I put myself in and I'm fully aware of that.

ForTheLove - Again, I don't have utter contempt for my OH, as you're making it out. I love him and he hurt me. I'm fully aware he is hurt by this situation too, and as I said in my previous post I have not been horrible to him over this at all. I've tried talking to him and getting him to open up to me about what he's thinking or feeling so that it can be sorted out. I have been supportive of him, until everything else came out in the open.

And no, I don't feel bad about it. He's known I am poly for 3 years. I haven't lied to him.

Just because a person is in an open relationship doesn't mean they have to go and sleep with someone. If someone doesn't present itself, then why? I don't need to explain the dynamics for this one.

On the labeling of things? That was pretty much to make it clear on who felt what way instead of making it confusing. As it happens, it is anyway.

I asked him if he still wanted to marry me, he said yes. I am wondering if I should give it a chance and attempt to reconnect everything we've lost. THAT'S what the thread is about, not whether I'm right or wrong for being emotionally involved with another person. Whether you view it as cheating or not he's known I'm poly from the start and said he was fine with that. Cheating is going behind someone's back, and I haven't done that at all. Don't appreciate it? Be glad it's not your relationship then.

What I'm trying to work out is whether we can fix this between us. That's what concerns me.

Are you intending to maintain your "open" relationship when you are married?

Well if he is as okay with poly and 'open' as you say he is, then whats the issue? Im not getting it here...is he not acting the way you want him to about tom? how do you want him to act about tom? And no offense sweetheart but ive seen many open and poly relationships and yours doesn't fit the mold at all. Open but no sex, one sided poly with marriage...its quite different then the usual opens or polys.

It’s not whether that is right or wrong full stop, it’s whether that is right or wrong for YOUR relationship, and it appears that it is wrong, because your OH can’t cope with it. Just because it was ok at the start doesn’t mean it’s still ok now.

I also don’t understand why you label yourself as ‘poly’ when you have been in an exclusive relationship for 3 years. That doesn’t add up.

Well it was never intended to be like this. Work, home and things got in the way of fulfilling our lifestyles, that's all.

I know I'm scum deep down. /sigh. I'm actually trying to sort this out and discover what's best. Not make it worse or hurt anyone.

I know I sound like a royal brat, but realistically, both of us have made a couple of huge problems in this relationship and I'm trying to either work them out or end it. That's what it boils down to. Not whether I'm actually poly or whether I'm a poser or a cheat or whatever else is bandied around.

I'm trying to sort this out, not cause more drama. Sorry, if that's not clear.

I'd imagine the only way you can sort this out is if you agree no be exclusive from now on as your h2b is obviously bothered by it now regardless of if he was at the beginning

In order to do that, you may need to stop referring to your, clearly not fine, fiance as a brat because he's not handling the situation as brilliantly as you thought he would.

You say he's open sexually but not emotionally - I wonder if you find it so easy to tell him you're in love with someone else because you know there's not much chance of him doing the same to you. I would hazard a guess you wouldn't handle it as well as you think you would if he came home and said "Hiya love, you know that girl I've been mates with for years - I've decided I'm rather in love with her. I think I'll carry on spending loads of time with her while you plan our wedding for four months time".

You’re not scum, if you want to be poly/open/whatever then that’s fine, it’s trying to mix it into a marriage to a man who clearly isn’t fully comfortable with the situation that doesn’t work.

Well you don't have to work at 'fulfilling' a sexually lifestyle, its just who you are not something you set out to be. Personally I dont think poly or open fits you guys. You're not polyamorous cause you're crushing on another man. That would make a lot of people polyamorous, but anyways I'm not gonna get into that. It boils down to whether or not your fiancee can handle the fact you love someone else and whether its a good idea to get married to one man while being in love with another. I dont know if your fiancee can handle it or not but I do not think being in love with two men and marrying one will work at all. I think its best to take some time to decide truely who/what you are sexually and romantically and who you want/if you want one person only

Actually, I have planned this entire wedding. I have lifted my finger on every single part. I haven't been spending loads of time with Tom at all.

If he did say that he loved someone else, I would understand, because I understand I can feel that way too.

Calling him a brat was out of order from me, but I guess I was upset at the whole situation.

Well, at the very strong risk of sounding like the most patronizing sh*t on this thread, you haven't a f*cking scoobie what love is.

I dont get what youre expecting from your fiancee? How do you want him to act about tom? Do you want him to be all 'i love tom, tom should come around more often, we dont see enough of tom, toms an awesome bloke lets have him over for a bbq' , what I'm getting at is how do you want him to act about tom? Right now he seems to just not bother with tom which to me makes sense. Why would/should he want to know all about your other love? Thats just hurtful.

WSS - what do you want?

Am I totally missing the point here? You want honesty and him to talk to you about stuff but you are in here talking to a bunch of strangers about what you should do about your relationship? I don't mean to sound harsh but listen to yourself and talk to him about this whole mess and not us!!! The whole foundation of your original post was that he wasn't talking to you..... yet your not talking to him either you should be able to work it out together.

xx

It seems like you actions are hurting your OH.

There is no way I'd willingly hurt someone I love. I'd do whatever I could to change/stop it.

I'm really not sure what you want us to say - i think you need to have an honest and frank discussion with your H2B to see whether there is any validity to your future as a couple

I have spoken to him also.

This seems to be going round in circles anyway. This isn't about whether I'm poly or not. I'm not just crushing on another guy but I would be here forever if I were to explain my emotional and sexual needs.

To answer the people that have actually been constructive - I don't know if this is what I want. He's a wonderful man, and a fantastic boyfriend ...but there is still something missing. And I think deep down that means it's not right.

There’s your answer then!

I don't think anyone was trying to say your scum. Its difficult for people to understand because you have to admit this is not a "normal" relationship.

You say you are in love with your long term friend and that you have known him for 10yrs more than your OH. TBH poly or not you shouldn't be surprised that now this is a real person (who you have known for years) not an abstract concept which might never happen that the OH has a problem with it. Perhaps he can't deal with it if so you have to choose him or poly.

I accept that this is only one problem with your relationship there seem to be trust issues all round although its hard to comment on your OH deceit not knowing what he lied about or why but you don't want to say so, I would reiterate the point that if you always knew he lied why is it an issue now he's been honest?

The only questions that are really worth answering is what do you want from this marriage that you haven't already got, is it the same as your OH wants and is he really the one you want because you don't sound sure and if you don't see this marriage as a lifelong commitment at this point in time then whats the point?

(sorry for super long post)

Then leave him. Set the man free

I don't fully understand your relationship or why you're getting married, but all of that is pretty irrelevant to me. The only advice I can give is as basic as it comes: sit down with your boy and talk about it. Tell him how you're feeling and ask him how he's feeling. Talk about everything with the only other person whose opinion matters, then you can both take some time to individually decide what you want to do, if you can get over everything in the past and if any of your life choices are going to cause problems in the future. You need to get this all out in the open and resolved before you possibly get married.

It seems to me you've had your answer, but you don't like it. Whether you love him or not isn't the point - whether you can fulfill each others needs is. You can't be his 'other half' because you don't match.

You asked for the help, you've had it. You don't want it because it doesn't match up to your own vision of yourself. He hurt you, so you justify your actions with that (and you are, or you wouldn't have mentioned that he lied to you. It wouldn't bear any relevance). That's not a marriage.

Start afresh. Let him be. He loves you, and it will hurt him to walk away, but the longer you stay in this relationship the more damage you both do to yourselves.

WSS

I spoke to him today. I said to him "perhaps we should cancel or postpone until we work out what it is we both need from this". His response was that he didn't want to cancel or postpone.

You're correct, the fact I knew he was lying shouldn't matter now it's out in the open. Truth is, it does matter to me, because if I hadn't forced it out of him, he would never had any intention of telling me. That just makes me wonder how many other things he hasn't told me.

However, this lie, is a big one. It's not about me or Tom or anyone else. This is something different and it really can cost us our relationship. So the fact he lied about it, does matter. The fact I had to force it out of him after several attempts over the last three years matters.

What matters most about that is the fact that after he was done denying it all to me he would turn round and say "When will you learn to trust me?". That's what mattered to me.

Just a side note: I'm not throwing a hissy fit with anything anyone has said here. I've taken it all on board and I'm actually pleased reading the bluntness of some of you. It's refreshing and I prefer that to someone either spitting unnecessary venom or lying.

I don't know why you'd think I'm unhappy with the answers I've gotten. I may not agree with some, but that doesn't mean I'm unhappy with them.

I don't break quite as easily as some do. I can handle a bit of harsh honesty.

Bathsheeba:

If he did say that he loved someone else, I would understand, because I understand I can feel that way too.

Well, at the very strong risk of sounding like the most patronizing sh*t on this thread, you haven't a f*cking scoobie what love is.

THIS!!

It all sounds incredibly childish from both sides. Either go to counselling to learn how to communicate or call it a day.

And just to say I totally TOTALLY agree with whoever said they don't admire your brutal honesty - your relationship would benefit more from a bit of kindness imo.

Regardless of the issue of loving two men and being married or if your fiancee is okay with you loving tom, it seems even outside of those issues youve made up your mind about your fiancee from his untruthfulness so leave him. It doesn't sound like you want him anymore because of it and itll just get worse as time goes on. Itll be best for both of you to end it before you end up having to get divorced

I appreciate this and perhaps you're right.

We can let the thread die if that's everything.

Thanks for all the opinions so far. It's helped me put things into perspective a lot more. I can see there there are huge cracks on both sides and that we both need to reassess our feelings and actions.

I can't fathom what it could possibly be but you said you knew already and from the very beginning - how can that cost you your relationship?

I also urge you to listen to Cherry who clearly has some knowledge on this subject - she said it is very unusual for poly couples to enter into marriage and that is when both are on the same page.

I know you say your mother would be upset if you pulled out - does she know the set up of your relationship?

So just to recap

he's wonderful and fantastic BUT there is still something missing

AND

You don't trust him

Sorry but whether he wants to cancel or not it sounds like you need to because under those circumstances alone why would you even consider going ahead? I wouldn't and I really hope my H2B wouldn't either

I don't think you should go through with this wedding at all. Trust is paramount in any relationship whether you intend to marry or not. Also, I think you should spare your mum forking out the best part of twelve grand on a marriage that you already have very little faith in.