I'm so angry (but I've made my decision)

:o that's shocking!

Just be careful what else she decides to add on to the hen do and charge you for!!

Im not sure i can help. Was anything discussed about money when she arranged to sort out the invites? Or the deposit for meal? It sounds like she added the comment about going towards hair, make up etc as an excuse and had forgotten you were paying for them. Maybe she felt guilty asking for it and needed to add an extra comment.

Sorry im no help - but wanted to share your burden xx

Omg! how rude! doesnt she think YOU might need the money?! some people are crazy! i would tell her youll give the 25 back when shes paid for dress, shoes, hair, makeup etc

even if i had made an agreement with a bride about this sort of thing i would shut my mouth and be gratefull for what she(you) has already paid for!

what a cheek!

I'm lost for words! That's just unbelievable. I wouldn't pay her. Here have a ?

Thanks for your support girls and the hug inalein!!!!

Going to speak to my OH and sister later and hopefully they can calm me down a bit. I'll give her the £25 if thats going to make her happy.

I am not surprised.

I think sometimes friends easily forget how much you have going on with a wedding and that it would be a nice time to support you. Being a BM is meant to be an honour - I'd love to help my bridal friends out as much as possible!

Lol.. sorry. Not surprised that you are angry... not at your friend's comments ?

Oh dear! it seems a bit odd that she wants her money back now, when i've arranged suprised dos for friends in the past, i've paid for meals, deposits, decorations and invites and wouldn't dream of asking for any money back because its been my treat to them! i understand why you'd be annoyed at her wanting you to pay for it after the event!!! i wonder if maybe she'd forgot about you paying for the hair etc and was thinking she was folking out in all different directions for being your bridesmaid, sometimes people get the wrong end the stick and rather than say something to you direct she's done it in this round about way???

Oh G! That is so so rude! How on earth can she ask you for that money if you didn't agree to pay for them to begin with? I swear, I think some people that you must have an endless supply of money if you are getting married! They maybe think you get a grant or something! lol!

You should have just given her the money and then let her pay for her own hair and makeup, I know who would be worse off!!!!

I really hope she's not expecting you to pay that, but I hate to say she maybe still is xxx

OMG i cannot beleive the cheek of some people.

i wouldn't do this but i would probably feel like turning around and saying something along the lines of:

ok, i'll give you the £25 for making the invites to MY hen party, oh and just to let you know you owe me:

£XXXXX for your bridesmaid dress

£XXXXX for your meal on my wedding day

£XXXXX for transport costs to my wedding venue

£XXXXX for your drinks on my wedding day

all of which I have paid for!

sorry just makes me so angry when people are like this!!!!!!

Oh that is rude!!

I personally think that is very cheeky asking you to pay!!

If you don't pay what is she going to do? Not invite you! ?

Crikey, that doesn't seem right! I think unless i'd have agreed to it in the first place i'd tell her to take a hike.

Carolx

Shes having a bubble isn;t she???

You need to sit her down mate!!

x

I'm just a lurker on here, and would like to add a point from the otherside.

I'm organising my sister's hen night, and so far I've folked out over £100, on deposits mainly, but also a few little things for the 'chicks'. And when I asked her for the £35 for the do, she only gave me £30!

She hasn't asked me to be bridesmaid, which I'm gutted about, but even if she had, I wouldn't be able to pay for hair/make-up/dress/shoes, that she would choose.

Just because it's supposed to be a priviledged position it doesn't mean bridesmaids have money to spare!

I agree there should of been some discussion about who was paying for what before hand, and Ithink £25 on invitations is a bit ridiculous anyway!

OMG that is riddiculous! I'm being a bridesmaid for one of my best friends in May this year and I wouldnt dream of asking her to contribute ANYTHING to the hen do. Bridesmaids are supposed to organise the hen do!

My friend is paying for our dresses to be made by the dressmaker (who is making her dress), our jewellry and hair accessories and her mum is going halves with us for our hair/makeup. All we have to pay for is our shoes and the other half of the hair/makeup bill. And obviously the hen do (which is going to be amazing!) I think we were extremely lucky that she is paying for our dress and accessories etc.

I can only assume that she is very skint herself - that is the only reason (although not one I agree with AT ALL) someone would behave in that way to a friend. Or do you think she doesnt know what her duties are as a bridesmaid...?

Just ignore her and hope she doesn't raise the issue again! ?

i totally understand what you're saying - i have organised or helped organise 6 or 7 hen weekends for my friends - HOWEVER, we always spread the costs of any "bits" between us, tshirts, dressing up stuff, decorations, whatever - so one of us doesn't get lumbered with shelling out loads of cash and so it's fair for everyone.

we would NEVER ask the bride to pay for anything to do with the hen weekend!!!

Hey girls, having had my Hen, I had a very similar problem with my Bridesmaid. I spoke to her about it and was honest and upfront - it was the only thing to do.

I thought as was Ok until I asked for her to pay me the £35 deposit for the Hen Weekend and she refused, and said she had never planned to come int he first place!

Moral of the story - there are just some girls out there who aren't meant to be a Bridesmaid!

Hope you all sort you ones out :-)

Omg hoe rude! I would be angry! Hopefully her time will come!

I've not organised a hen night but my oh organised the stag night for his best m8. Oh and other blokes all chipped in to pay for the stags night including drinks (was 2 nights away in Bournemouth with quad biking etc). My oh paid for the hire of his own suit as best man plus 2 nights in hotel for us, travel from e anglia to wales. Oh and 2 mates brought the groom a designer watch between them. We also brought them a wedding present of crystal glasses and champagne.

I personally think that your bridesmaid should stop being stingy, hopefully we only get married once. If she honestly couldnt afford it she should of discussed it with you earlier! That way you could of made the decision about invites etc.

Can you get one of your closer friends who came on the hen do with you to have a word with her? Or speak with them and find out what was mentioned between them all about who pays for what?

I think its ridiculous myself xx

Just to point out though, Gillsy has said that she is paying for their hair / make up / shoes etc so she isn't asking the bridesmaid to spend loads of money.

I think the £25 on invitations is a bit steep and I wouldn't have the cheek to have asked for the £5 deposit! ?

In saying that though, I as the bride have been the one to lose out money on my hen weekend - paying the booking fees of £2.50 each and making up the short fall for those that couldn't afford the whole amount. For a £155 weekend, I have spent closer to £300. I wouldn't have dreamt of the other people going paying for me.

Gillsy are our bridesmaids related????

Seriously I think they could be long lost relatives

I understand that weddings can be expensive for BMs but its sure as he!l not as expensive as it is for the bride & groom.

cazaragi - I take your point but I asked the girls to pay for their own shoes and hair accessories only and gave them free rein to buy whatever they wanted as I wouldn't ask them to buy their own and then tell them what to buy. I really don't care what they wear on their feet or heads.

For my hen weekend I paid the full amount apart from the beauty treatments on the Friday night which the hens paid for and at my hen dinner next week I will be paying for my meal like everybody else. I don't expect anybody to pay for me.

Tinkerbelle - yes this is the girl thats been causing me issues. I am sooooo close to culling her at the moment.

I think my biggest problem with it is that if I were to foot the bill for the invitations for the hen dinner should I not have been asked what I wanted to do??? If I had been then I would have sent an e-mail and phoned people.

Above all else what disappoints me the most is that this girl is a long standing friend of mine who WAS one of the nicest people you could ever meet and would do anything for you which is one of the reasons I asked her to be BM in the first place. I am totally stunned and shocked by the change in her over the last year. Thats whats most upsetting.

Thats soooo cheeky.

Dont let her make you feel bad though. I wouldnt give it to her just to make her happy.

xx

Well I thought about this all last night and spoke to my OH and I've kinda decided that if I tell her now I don't want her to be BM I'll probably never speak to her again. I really don't want to never speak to her again as she has been a good friend to me over the years (obviously not the last year though!!!) so for that reason I'm just going to get on with it and after the wedding keep my distance but still keep in touch.

She got married herself 3 years ago and I am really beginning to think its her new husband that has made the change to her personality. It seems strange that I always found her the same way then all of a sudden shes totally changed. I could be wrong but seems too much of a coincidence.

As for money issues - her and her husband dine at 5 star restaurants constantly, are always away on holiday and are just back from a Caribbean cruise.

Want to say thank you to all you lovely ladies for listening to me and giving me support. I honestly couldn't get through these things without you lot!!! xxx

Husbands and partners can definitely affect and change friendships. i have had experience of this myself and i would probably say this is the reason gillsy.

like you probably to save an argument or any more stress on my big day i would give her the money and then straight after ask about her caribbean cruise/last 5 star restaurant she went to. although she probably won't get the irony! best of luck xx

Morning Gillsy,

I was so busy at work yesterday so have only just seen this. Im sorry things are so strained with you and you BM, this is probably the last thing you need right now!

I know your feeling slightly better about things this morning but have you spent much time with just her recently? Maybe its worth meeting up in person, just the two of you, to give her the money and see if you can work out what the real reason is behind her asking for it and then go from there? She might open up to you a bit more if its just you guys.

x

Hi Gilsy, If you are not going to remove her has b/m and loose your friendship I think I would just give her the money and be done with it. I cant belive she is doing this to you though!

I have just lost a lifelong friend. She recently seperated from her husband and was acting really strange. Sleeping with radom men getting drunk alot. T he final straw for me is when she slept with one of my daughters male friends.Young anough to be her son, I had to sit her down and try and talk to her, needless to say it didn't go well and she wants nothing more to do with me. I miss her so much, we had been friends since school. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, the situation is not worth loosing your friend over.

I wouldn't have asked for £25 for invitations but I still think by not talking to her you risk regretting your decision of having her involved so I hope she doesn't upset you again. It is such a shame to have someone involved but already be thinking you will keep a distance from her in future. Hopefully she changes back to the friend you used to know.

Just wanted to comment on the money issue. If people looked at me they may think I'm pretty well off. I have a decent car, like my holidays etc etc but that in no way means we have spare cash, quite the opposite in fact. We decide to use the little spare money (or credit cards) on certain things but i'm forever saying 'oh sorry friends no I can't do that as I can't afford it'. So just because someone on the outside looks like they have money they might not. It also might be that her husband pays for things whereas she didn't want to ask him for money for invitations and couldn't afford it herself. An example is I was telling H I wasn't going to the cinema because I couldn't afford it but I was planning on going to see Lisaloulou the next weekend which was costing £300. He was puzzled but I didn't want to spend money in the cinema but I would spend an awful lot more on a weekend away. Does that make sense?

All that said I do agree she was in the wrong though so my post is pretty useless! lol

x

Thanks for your very good advice Delvesje

PG - your point wasn't pointless, I get exactly what you are saying.

I'm paying her the £25 with no questions asked and she can live with the knowledge of how much I'm paying out for her and how little shes given me in return and I'm not talking about money here - I'm talking about time and support.

?I'm sure its different when you have to deal with this yourself, but to me I just think if you dont think your friendship is going to be as strong as it was - after the wedding - why have her as a bridesmaid at all? You'll have to look back at your photos for the rest of your life and she will be on them - a constant reminder of the fact she wasnt a good friend to you when you needed her the most.

But like you say, if you asked her to not be a bridesmaid at this stage, you would lose the friendship entirely.

I guess it depends on how much you think you'll keep in touch in the future, and whether its worth the addedd stress whilst you already have enough to deal with.

Ah don't say that, I feel guilty! ? xx