I'm so close to calling off my wedding!!! Need some advice :-(

I got to the end of your post and wondered why on earth you were even considering this man who seems to not value you in the least. far easier to call it off now than get out of it afterwards. Better embarrassment than unhappiness

I'd never tell someone what to do but he is being emotionally abusive and wearing down your self confidence so you won't ever leave him. Whilst you still have your confidence left you should think seriously about whether you do want to marry him. You don't sound happy and it doesn't sound like he'll change either.

Walking away might be hard but is it harder than staying with someone who has so little respect for you and doesn't make you happy?

Totally Agree. That's absolutely ridiculous hun, I'm sorry to say it and I know it's easy for me to say but you do not need that in your life! The worst thing I can say about my OH is that he picks his toenails so when you can write a huge paragraph like that about yours, you must know something is up.

You don't necessarily need to leave him as maybe he does have explanations for his awful behaviour, but you definitely need to at least postpone the wedding!

Money is absolutely not a reason to stay together. Objectively he sounds pretty nasty and abusive, but then I don't know the context, were these things said in the heat of the moment during an argument or does he say them often?

I have to say, saying "you must have imagined seeing the pictures on the memory card" is probably the worst lie I've ever heard. I think you need to sit him down and confront him on all the things that haven't quite added up, if he refuses to talk about it then I think you have your answer.

I think you need to seriously consider going ahead with this wedding at this time.

It's not to say you will split up or never get married but you need to at least postpone untill you get these issues sorted out.

As for the ex, IMHO it does not sound like he is over her. If he is being abusive now, what will it be like once you are married and live together!?

I hope you can make a decision on how best to proceed with this, please come back and tell us how you get on.

Amanda x

It's not a decision that can be made by anyone but you. If you are not happy together, consider how you will feel if you take vows for the rest of your life. It's a big decision to get married, it might feel hard to break it off but its better that than be miserable.

Hope everything works out whatever you decide to do

S x

Hmm I'm going to be harsher than most. What the f*** are you doing with this idiot??? You have stated above that:

a) he lies

b) he seems to have an obsession with his ex and/or another girl. Not you at any rate.

c) he won't communicate

d) he has called you stupid

e) he fails to recognise your value and qualifications

f) he is prepared to honeymoon alone (WTF???)

Now, let's cut the romance and emotion of a marriage out of things. You are buying a house with this man? Sorry, but in this day and age, a joint mortgage is probably more of a commitment than a marriage (contentious, yes, but maybe true).

Finally, 10yrs ago I married a man because I was too embarrassed, with a month to go, to call it off. This was after he had stated that I was less important to him than money, he didn't want to commit to anyone, and was generally vile and walked out when he felt like it. Everything was paid for, and I felt I had to go through with it regardless. I thought it may get better. It didn't. 14 months later he left, and 18 months after we were married, we were divorced. Don't repeat my life hun, it wasn't fun.

Sorry to say but postpone the wedding, from what you have said walk away now and don't look back. He sounds 18 not 31

I'm a wrong believer of 'if in doubt, leave it out'

You sound like you know deep down what your going to do maybe it's just telling everyone? Have you spoke to someone close to you about it? Maybe doing tht first and having the support from your family will help you.

i agree with this 100%, i also married a man because I was to scared to call it off, we got married in Cyprus and i thought that if i called it off i would have been left all on my own over there....needless to say we stayed together, got pregnant then I became a single mum.....

it in end its your choice, and its hard to be alone and feel that you are letting people down and it wil be hard on your own, but so much better than being unhappy and under valued!!!!

Huge hug first of all!! I am not one to tell others what to do as it is your life. But to me, it sounds like you've decided already? I think you need to be as honest with him next time you meet and say everything you need to say. With the wedding so soon I think this discussion might be best asap? Good luck

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has replied so far. These messages have really helped me to put things into perspective in my head and to see that despite what he says I'm not being unreasonable. I have spoken to a friend of mine who is a year older and was pushed into marriage by her parents and is now divorced a year later. She said to me that even though people gossip that it takes a lot of guts to walk away when you know things aren't right. If he really loves me then I'll leave it up to him to show it and I won't be walking down the aisle in 30 days time. Maybe one day but not now xxx

I know nobody but you can make this decision.

But just from reading what you have read, it doesn't sound like you trust him, and personally I couldn't marry someone I didn't trust, especially someone who treats me like that.

That said, I don't know your entire history, you may love him endlessly and he you, so you have to follow your heart. But I would like to say please be careful, do not marry him if you are 100% otherwise you then face the stress (potentially) of a breakdown in your relationship and divorce. If he is abusive, my advice would be to get out before it gets worse.

I hope you can find some peace and work out what you want and need in life, and either find someone to treat you as wonderfully as you deserve, or that your OH realises what he has and begins to appreciate you.

Get. Out. Now. I was in a relationship like this a few years ago. Get out, not only of the marriage but relationship. He did everything to me he's doing to you and you don't deserve it. Huge huge hugs and love but please seriously consider what's happening here!

I found a wonderful man only after taking a huge leap of faith (in a foreign country, with no family to run to so was very much on my own) and leaving my ex. Greatest decision I ever made but also the hardest. I'm so sorry hun, I wish I could give you a huge hug, it sounds like you really need it!

xxxx

Oh hun, firstly I want to send you a HUGE hug ?

I ditto what the others have said - You need to sit down and have it out with him. You have absolutely no reason to feel embarassed by postponing/calling off the wedding. It will potentially save you alot of heartache further down the line xx

Aww poor you. I know its so much easier said than done. Life isnt a disney film but you shouldnt put up with being treated like that... If i was you i would have set up a honey trap along time ago at least you would know if you could trust him xx

I think deep down you know the answer, you definitely need to postpone the wedding. Have a serious think about walking away from the whole relationship. No one deserves to be treated like that. I am also 22 and I definitely would not be willing to marry someone who has no respect for me. Calling the wedding off will be hard and v upsetting, and people will gossip, but i would rather people gossip about me for 5 minutes than spend the rest of my life with an idiot.

Big hugs to you

xxxxxxxxxxx

Womens aid website have a really good website called survivors forum... or the helpline number. It would be good to talk about it because it seems like an issue of emotional abuse... xx

You are worth so much more than being trampled on and lied to every day for the rest of your life x

100% agree. Don't be scared to call off the marriage and leave this guy. I wish my friends would've told me this bluntly years ago when I was in a similar situation (albeit not engaged to him.)

You deserve better, and you will get better. You will have other relationships. You will get married to a wonderful man. Just please don't get married to this guy.

The tone of your post suggests to me that you already know you want to call it off. If you are looking for reassurance that you are doing the right thing, based on what you have told us, I think you are.

I think this is part of the answer to your own question. If you were being asked this question by a friend who gave us the history you have given us today, what would you be telling her to do?

At the very minimum I think you need a break from each other and should postpone the idea of marrying. I think you can do better.

When I first started reading your post I thought, "oh it's just the pre wedding stress getting to both of you"... Then I read further and further and couldn't believe what I was reading and what he has been doing to you. Only you can make the decision to walk away (and I think you are definitely leaning that way from your second post) but I agree with everyone else so far. He sounds mean, petty, abusive and certainly not respectful of you (or possibly women in general?). I know lots of people who have been coerced into marriage who weren't sure or didn't want to but felt they had to for various reasons and the marriage has inevitably broken down. That or the girl is extremely unhappy. You're right, it does take guts to walk away. I think you shouldn't worry about what other people think, just show them you have those guts. Good luck and hope things get better for you. You deserve someone who loves you with all their heart and soul xx

Oh bless you! I wouldn't normally cross the line into 'telling' someone what to do but on this occasion, I'm going to struggle to be too tactful.

Take it from those of us who have been there. If you have doubts - and yours are well founded - DO NOT PROCEED WITH THE WEDDING. It is not a fix for problems in a relationship. Your prince charming is behaving like a toad and he will not miraculously transform when he says 'I do'.

If you are meant to be together, the wedding can be rearranged. But if your relationship is as unstable as you describe, a wedding is the very last thing you should be considering.

This may sound like an old fogey lecturing you and forgive me if it does but you are 22. You have a whole life ahead of you and it does not need to be spent in an abusive, destructive relationship. Don't ever make do. Don't accept someone's behaviour because of money, embarassment or a fear of having no one. Trust me on this. I did it and I paid a great price, as did those closest to me. And it's a price which far outweighs the money you may lose by cancelling.

I think you already know what you must do - you have pretty much written it in your post. Take a deep breath and do the right thing. It may be the hardest thing right now but it will always be the right thing.

Good luck with everything x

Ah Hun

I think it all seems too much too soon, buying/renovating a house are 2 of the most stressful things which can strain even the strongest of relationships.... With regard to the photos I had a similar conversation with a friend recently who's bf had asked her too bin all photos of her ex and although she has completely moved on she was reluctant to do so as some may be of them at friends weddings, holidays etc these are still memories of happy occasions and are not about the ex, I do see her point... however it is something quite different to have them all over Facebook and is very disrespectful what your bf is doing particularly the dishonesty regarding them.

To me one of the fundamentals of any relationship is trust and it sounds like you do not have any in this relationship.

I think it may be wise to postpone the wedding, maybe live together a while see if you can work through your differences and regain the trust in the relationship.

Good luck xx

I can't imagine what you are going through.

Is there anyone close to you that you can talk to about it? A Mum or a friend, bridesmaid? It might help to get an idea on if they see a difference in you? I have been through a pretty tough year and i completely lost my confidence and when i came out if it THEN people started telling me that i wasn't myself and they knew something was gettin me down.

I think with regards to the embarressment of calling it of, if you feel that it is the wrong thing, you will get so much respect from family and friends for realising that it wasn't right for you. We all worry about what people think and most of the time they think the complete opposite. I know I would completely support any of my friends who came to me and said the same as you. Being in a relationship that isn't nice is so hard, you didn't talk about any of the good things in your relationship in your post... but I am guessing that there are still good things in your relationship? I would way up the pros and cons and talk to those closest to you. Ignore money... it is a soul destroyer and like you said a happy life is much much much better.

Good Luck Hun, I hope you make the right decision. Keep us posted on how you feel.

xx

Big virtual hugs too.

Don't punish yourself any more, personally I would spk to your mom/sis/close friend and tell them what you are going to do. Don't let him grind you down and abuse you any more. Ignore him, get away from him and stay away from him. Don't do any more wedding planning, let him come to you if he wants to know what's going on. Then speak to him calmly and explain, if he starts ranting and raving, put the phone down.

You are young and have your life ahead of you, make it a happy one!

If what you have posted here is actually true then you would be a complete idiot to marry him.

Firstly, is writing in paragraphs really that difficult. It seriously hurt my eyes reading that.

Secondly, I don't know why you let this relationship get as far as a wedding in the first place. He sounds like a Class A c*ck and doesn't deserve to be in a relationship at all, let alone married.

Ultimately, it's your decision. If you've come here looking for someone to tell you what to do, that's not going to happen, because you need to make your own decision. But I believe it's far better to walk away now, whilst you're still in the planning stage, than to look back in a years' time when you're married and wish you'd done it before.

If you're having doubts then postpone it at the very least...give yourself time to think about whether you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man...

x

Exactly this ?

Firstly I agree with everyone else, I'm sorry to hear that you're in a relationship with such a vile human being. He definitely does not deserve you and I really can't understand where the dilemma is?

Is there anyone you can stay with?

If it was me there would be no dilemma, I would leave him, call of the wedding telling people that he has been communicating with his ex's and you don't feel you can marry someone that you don't trust. I know people will understand.

Let us know how you get on.

Can I ask - do your parents know about this? Obviously I don't know your relationship with them and calling off a wedding so close to the date is a vetry hard thing.

But if that was my daughter writing that message and asking for advice - I would never allow her to marry someone like that. and then I would go round and smash his head in with a bat.

and darling - re read the messge you wrote to us all here, what advice would you give to someone if they wrote that? its heartbreaking to read and hear the doubt and the obvious knock its given you.

it takes a very strong woman to believe they deserve better when in a bad relationship. give yourself a bit of courage and a lot of respect and do what you feel you need to. sod everyone else. those who are your friends and family will support you no matter what.

good luck xxxxxxxxx