In Laws

Put your foot down have it your way not what the in laws want , your partner need to stand up and tell his parents it's his and your wedding not there's I wouldn't let them pay because months or years down the line its gonna be throw in your face that they payed for this and that , have you tried speaking to the brother or get him to speak to your partner or speak to the brothers wife and see if they went through the same thing and how she dealt with it , money isn't everything so because they got money and they rich they think they can solve things have it there way because they pay for it , I think you need a serious sit down with your partner and get the in law thing sorted otherwise they will think they can always have a say in the furture when it comes to you and your partner .

^^ this basically ^^

If they would like to contribute asma gift, ormas a wedding present and it's for you spend on your wedding as you and your job see fit then fine butmifmits so they can control your wedding then i would go it alone with your own money and your own budget and have the wedding you want. They have allowed you the venue because it ended up suiting them. Not allowed you the date. Setting stipulations on music and any themes and let's be honest themes can cover a multitude of supplies and colours and decor. Will it soon be flowers or how many bridesmaid or the choice of food or what everyone wears?

Sit down and have a chat with your oh that you want your wedding to be what you both want and be a true reflection of you not something that his parents will allow. Hopefully tell then politely but firmly that you prefer to pay for your wedding yourselves and that it will be the wedding you chose to have even if that means cheesy music midweek.

If they still turn their nose up then just don't tell them any details. It sounds as if it's a case of if it can't be their way then they don't want involvement which with some people can be a blessing!

Excuse all the wierd m's my keyboard likes on here!

Um, they can offer to give you money and dictate how it's spent. You're well within your rights to decline it.

As for your future husband, you need to have a chat with him. He might not want a theme or macarana, and perhaps that's why he's not standing up to his parents. Or perhaps he thinks he's just passing on the message.

Ideally, everyone would be generous just out of kindness, but in most cases money has strings attached. If you are accepting their money they can dictate how it's spent. And I do understand their perspective that Saturdays are generally the easiest day for guests, so if the reason you're holding it on a week day is because of money and they're offering to pay the difference, why not take them up on it?

However, they are offering you the money for a specific reason - to have the wedding at this venue on a Saturday. When you book that venue for the date they want, you've fulfilled your obligation. They don't get to tell you that you can't have a theme or what music you are allowed to play. And if you love the macarena, and your guests will love the macarena (because let's not forget that half of the guests will be your friends and family who might have similar tastes to yours, and they are equally as deserving of being shown a good time) then that's what you should do. Just make sure you balance out the music and theme so that OH's family and friends feel comfortable as well.

I would politely say if they wish to contribute to the wedding they are welcome to do so, but they will not get a say in how it is spent. My friend applied this to all family members involved in the day and said this directly. It is then up to them how they feel and whether they are willing to give the money.

We paid for our wedding ourselves and had set money aside for things. On the day OH's parent brought out a credit card and put money behind the bar. I was initially cross cos was never discussed and we had money set aside which could have gone on other things. So I think the best thing is to be clear. I personally don't see the merit in paying double for the same thing on a different day, and if your OH was happy with a week day then he must tell them so. Weddings are about families but they are also about you. I had a massive fight with my MIL about table centrepieces, in the end I got my way and she was at a table without it.

Stand your ground but also listen to them I guess?

I agree with this post 100%. It is their money and they can dictate how it is spent, and it seems like you won't take them up on the offer because you want the money to spend elsewhere, but that's not on the table. Whether they're wealthy or not, they don't have to give you a penny - it's your wedding, not theirs.

I also agree that once you've complied with the terms of their money offer, or rejected it, then you're free to do as you like with theming, music etc.

WSS - if you don't like that they involved by paying then don't take the money.

Who cares if they say you can't get something - just do it. They won't know until the wedding day and by then it's too late. They're hardly going to get up and walk out over the colours or the songs the DJ plays.

I agree I wouldn't fight them on every single thing. I would nod and smile or say oh yes I never considered that aspect then totally ignore them and do what I wanted in the first place. By the time it happens it's too late. As long as they aren't paying. You're happy/who cares if shes not as its not her wedding/you haven't spent the whole plannig period fighting. Win/win/win.

I am afraid I disagree with this. I have several friends who got married and families contributed money but they didn't dictate the dress, food, date etc. They helped contribute to the day but did not shape it. If they are willing to pay for a Saturday why are they not willing to pay the difference towards other things? If they cannot offer funding with minimal strings attached I would be cautious. Giving some editorial control is fine but if you are changing the day just to suit them I would say it is not saving you money or helping you. Who has that money to spend on same thing on busier day,,,,???

I agree with this! You don't need to have the added stress of arguing while planning.

But then they aren't offering to contribute money. They're offering to pay to have the wedding on a Saturday. Why should they contribute to anything else - it's their money and it's up to them how they want to spend it. It's up to the OP to tell them what opinions are useful and what's not going to happen.

My parents are paying a huge chunk of our wedding. But they haven't given us the cash. They told us what their budget was for everything and what parts of the day they were going to pay for. If we want anything above that we are paying for it. We are both being open about what we want, how much it will cost and who is paying for what. My OH and I have the final say though and they respect that.

The money isn't really the issue for the OP IMO. It's the relationship she has with her in-laws. They walk all over her - she didn't see her first choice venue because they didn't like it. Time for the OP to stand up to them and clarify the boundaries. Then the wedding planning will be easier for everyone.

And how her OH seems to take his parents side over hers, which in itself warrants a massive important talk before a fight happens and things are said that cannot be taken back.

Ahhh the joys of when many parents and in-laws start paying for weddings!

As said its a simple one - if you don't let them pay they have no say! Also be careful this can be just the start as they will probably want guests/invites etc. My friend had her MIL tell them they had to get married in a church (and which one) and also had 16 of her own guests.

Personally we went down the route of not accepting any money therefore you have no decision or say it worked for us (even though MIL was still a pain it was made very clear not her money not her choice!)

If you are both still going to accept then I would ask if any conditions come with it before going ahead, trust me it avoids arguements long term such as how many guests/friends of theirs does this come with.

Regarding theme or dances I would simply explain a theme is just colours and decorations in most cases and the DJ will have requests so saturday night is a strong possibility!

My family hate my wedding plans, they won't contribute, that's fine, I didn't expect or want it. However if they had a valid point I would try and listen. Your in-laws have given their opinions maybe a little too freely but you all agree on the venue. Is it that dad in-law wants Saturday for his own selfish reasons or is it because he recognises that a lot of people can get to Saturday weddings much easier than weekdays? Essentially many people work in the week and some friends may be unable to take the time off. Make sure you listen to their reasoning before fearing control is the main issue.