Invite question - children related

We had a "no child" rule, and stated on our info card "Sorry but the venue is unable to accommodate children" (true, it was full of stairs and sharp things). We had one couple bring their (breast-feeding) child to the ceremony and drinks reception - they left before dinner. I hope that those who left their (older) children at home didn't think that this situation was unfair - I genuinely think breast-feeding children are an exception.

However, apart from the baby, ours was a blanket rule - we didn't want/have any children, family or otherwise. If you have a nine-year old exception, I think that saying "We cannot accommodate children..." (as you have outlined above) is easily seen as untrue and might cause some bad feeling. Maybe you're best saying that you can only accommodate family children?

If it helps, the baby at our ceremony didn't make a peep. And our vows were interrupted by a couple of hecklers and much laughter anyway.

WSS - about family children, this makes sense and would easily get around it for you, especially as there is only one of him.

Thanks guys.

So would you put it on the info card to all day guests then? 'Unfortunately we cannot include children who are not in the immediate family. However all children are welcome from 7.30pm' sound OK?

I think most people should get this, but unfortunately there will always be people who assume their kids are invited unless told otherwise so I'd say it was a bit risky, the last thing you want is children turning up who have not been catered for!

We have a lot of children between our family and friends but will definitely be limiting those who are invited or it would be like a creche! We can't ban children completely because we have 2 children of our own. We also want our nephew and our 2 nieces there, and we have some family travelling from overseas who will need to bring their kids, but that's it. We're making our invitations, so the ones we are sending to people whose children are not invited will have an extra line on the guest info card saying something along the lines of "To allow us to be able to invite all of our close friends and family we are unfortunately limited to the number of children we can accommodate during the day", or words to that effect! That way they are prepared to see some children there, but are still aware that the invitation does not extend to their children. Hopefully people will understand, and if they are going to be offended, then that's tough!! Friends of ours got married last year and told us we couldn't bring our son, but when we got there there was a child there around his age. Didn't bother me in the slightest, it was their wedding, their money, their decision!

We had no children at our wedding and this was not an issue with family or friends as i was upfront about it throughout our eedding planning, the only way we would have allowed any children were newborns but there were none.

we didnt put anything in the invited about no children as the invites were addresses to adults only xx

It's not cost, I just am assuming that young children fidget and whinge a lot, particularly when in a hot room, in stuffy smart clothes and surrounded by strangers, and really don't want any interruptions to the vows such as a baby screaming away, or a toddler jabbering on, or the awful bit where the embarassed parents have to try and shuffle out inconspicuously while everyone pauses and smiles politely. Apologies to any parents but as very non-baby people (except when discussing our future own!), me and OH just don't choose to have that. We are being a bit 'our day our way about it'.

Weirdly OH's dad's gf's son (whew) has called OHs dad to say his partner is expecting! Due around about June. So looks like we may have to abandon our no babies rule. Dammit. It has caused a huge family kerfuffle as the son was previously gay, but has now moved in with a woman who is older than his mum. (They got together a few months ago, he is 22, the woman is 50) His mum is sort of reeling from it all. She had only just had time to get her head around him getting together with an older WOman, never mind her first grandchild on the way!

So maybe the invite could still say 'we can only accommodate family children. Other children are welcome to join us from 7.30 pm'. Is this OK as far as wording goes, or should we now say something about 'babes in arms'?

Babes in arms are probably the most likely to be disruptive, and the least easy to "ban" from the day, unless you're willing to accept that people might not be able to make it. At a friend's completely child free wedding, one couple didn't make the reception as their child hadn't quite sussed that food comes from a bottle too in time (despite planning and best efforts) so they had to abandon plans to leave child with grandparents and take turns sitting in the car with the child - best laid plans and all...

To be honest I don't mind at all if this guy and partner can't come because of a baby, but I don't think I could be as rude as not inviting them now we know she is pregnant. I think OH would feel it if his sort of step bro was missing.

So maybe we should just forget the whole non-child wedding and just accept there will be a few children and maybe a bit of noise! Hopefully they would be quiet for the important bits.

Next question - how do you address an invite to a pregnant couple?! 'A and V and bump'?!

That's what I did - I really don't do children, but so many of my friends and family will have under 5s (and I'm expection people to come down for a weekend as it's so far) so decided to embrace the whole child thing).

Invite wise, probably safest to let them know that the child will be invited when they safely arrive...

I think this is acceptable.

We are in a bit of a predicament at the moment. OHs sister (also my bridesmaid) has a baby that will be 10 months old at the wedding. She has said all along that she wouldn't be bringing him along, which was a slight relief as OH and I have always had strong views on screaming babies during the ceremony. She is now starting to change her mind and it wouldn't be so bad if it was just him, but I would then feel bad excluding other people's babies from the day and could potentially end up with 4 screamers ? lol. Don't know what to do?!?!?

It is really awkward. I want to be polite to guests but also have my day as I want it and not put up with any screamers! At worst we will have 1 newborn, 1 toddler and the 9 year old who is an awesome little dude so no problems there.

I think if it was getting up to 4 like you I may be tempted to put my foot down and say absolutely none. I also think as your BM she will probably have other things to do so may be best off leaving her child somewhere perhaps until the evening do. (I mean at a minder, not just chained up to a lampost outside your venue or anything!)

Have sent the invite wordings off now to get the proofs done, left children off the info card totally. I figured later on when we come to handwrite the guests' names we can decide if to write on kids or not, and then update the wedding website accordingly.

Yes that's fair enough, I'm sure your guests will have the intelligence to assume if the child's name isn't on the invite then they're not invited, or to at least question it with you! We are going to go on that assumption if we decide not to allow babies!

OHs sister had planned for her in-laws to come and stay to look after the dog and baby. I had thought about inviting her in-laws to evening do so that nephew could come along so may suggest that?

A little word of warning.

We made a decision that we wanted an adult only day. There were only 4 children between our guests. My nephew who was 2 and DH's cousin had 3 children aged between 5 and 7.

This caused WW3. We had DH's cousins, Aunts ringing us up and MIL up trying to think of every excuse under the sun to twist our arm. However, I would not back down. This caused a LOT of stress and MIL kept telling me we were doing the wrong thing and it was a very stressful time.

My brother and SIL have not spoken to us in a year as we did not invite their son (my nephew) to our wedding. They did not come and I haven't been allowed to see him for over a year. Not to give him his Xmas presents or bday presents.

I would do the same thing again as it was our day that we paid for. However, just be aware that this is a highly volatile and emotive subject which I had no idea about before we planned our day.

Daymn! Hmm point taken. The newborn would prob have to come, or maybe the parents will choose to just put in a brief appearance. I am not close to the toddler's parents, they are only getting an invite as my mum is desperate for their mother (her bf) to come and I am close to her sister. Apparently I can't invite who I want from a family, I have to have the whole lot (hmph) To be honest if they turn down the invite because of the child and don't speak to us I wouldn't notice. I really wish I wasn't inviting them to begin with but have already given in on that to please mum.

I can imagine some people would be touchy about kids not being asked, whereas others would just enjoy a nice day without kids. At least you to stuck to your guns Gemma!

I was shocked too, especially when I asked friends (with children) at work what their views would be. They all agreed they would rather not take their children (under 7s) to a wedding as they wanted a day off and to relax.

I also thought it would be no problem as my brother and SIL leave him with sitters at least twice a week. They left him for the full weekend to go to other weddings (not family members).

DH's cousin and his wife again, regularly leave them with sitters and they went to a wedding 6 months before ours and again spent the whole weekend away (without the children).

I think this boiled down to personalities in our case. Both sets of parents have never been told "no". Their parents etc all pander to their wants and because we had made a rule and asked them not to do something, they did not like it.

We had 9 children under the age of 10 at our wedding including a 3 month old. They were all perfectly behaved - no screaming. I've not heard of, or been to, a wedding where a child actually made lots of noise or disrupted the ceremony. If you're worried, you could always have bags of sweets to keep them occupied.

For us, a wedding wouldn't be right without children - it's about celebrating with all your friends and family, including children. We only had positive experiences with them, such as one little girl whispering to her mum when I made my entrance, "look, there's a princess!" and another friend said her little girl now likes to put fabric on her head and walk slowly, going, "I'm Lucy". Hehe! I did goodie bags for all the children for during the meal and they went down very well.

I realise that's just my opinion, and I do think you should have your day the way you want it, but just wanted to say there are definitely positive aspects of having children there.

If it makes you feel any better about having children there:

At my wedding we had 4 children aged between 18mnths and 3yrs and didn't hear a peep out of any of them during our 1hr+ ceremony.

My sister had around 10 under 10's at her wedding ranging from 2yrs up and they were all quiet during her ceremony.

I think the smallest ones tend to sleep through the ceremony because its warm, still and fairly quiet with just a few people talking gently. Older children can generally be kept occupied by colouring books, etc.

I think if you don't want children there you should defo say it in print, perhaps the litlle note in the invite to those concerned, however you mentioned it was during the day only guests, so im presuming they are close friends/ family of they will be there during the day? Why not just phone them and tell them how it is?

My best mate, (sons godfather) said no kids at his wedding and i respected his choice and like other people have mentioned i probs wouldn't have taken him anyway, wanting to relax and enjoy the day etc. When i got there i seen another little girl and i was hurt by it.

He later told me he didnt know she would be there and somone brought her to give his wife a horse shoe, but i was defo a bit miffed at the time

Hope this helps x

It's your day so have it how you want it to be, however do make it very clear to people whether their children are invited or not. It shouldn't matter too much either way, as long as you tell them and don't just expect them to guess.

When H was an usher, the groom dropped it in to conversation the week before the wedding that it was family children only and our 11 week old completely breastfed baby was not invited. It was a complete surprise to us and obviously the baby hadn't been included on the invitation as it hadn't been born when they were sent.

Cue much scrabbling about and try to work out timings so that I could still go as had bought outfit etc. It was a church so we took her to that part anyway as anyone is welcome in a church. I then fed her as quick as poss and we left her with her nana, who'd not looked after a baby for 30 years and a bottle of expressed milk which we didn't know if she'd drink. Reception was an hour away so by the time we'd dropped off baby we were 30 mins late to the reception and we had to leave straight after dinner as a) baby would be hungry b) my boobs were about to explode with milk. Bride and groom have hardly spoken to us since (4 yrs ago) as they just couldn't see why we had to leave their reception so early. So we've lost friends over such a little thing that could have been prevented easily, had we known in advance either H would have gone on his own or we could have tried her with a bottle.

I certainly wouldn't put anybody through that!

Whatever we decide we will def be giving everyone plenty of notice.

It is nice to hear about all the well behaved children anyway and hopefully if we do have kids there they would be just as nicely behaved.

I know this wasn't my thread but wanted to update you on my situation lol. Saw OHs sister last night and asked how she would feel if we invited her inlaws on the evening so that they could bring her baby along. This in my eyes was a compromise. She shrugged it off and said we can see nearer the time and then text me in the night saying she couldn't sleep thinking about it and she knows how she was adamant even before she got pregnant and all through her pregnancy that she wasn't going to bring the baby to the wedding but she now couldn't imagine spending the whole day without him and that she would like him there and her husband would look after him. What can I say to that? I'm so upset, we've said from day 1 that we don't want little ones at the wedding and I wouldn't mind if it was just the nephew but that now means we can't exclude friends babies who are part of the bridal party as it just doesn't seem fair. So now we're going to have a chapel full of potential screaming babies and parents not drinking as much and having as much fun because they are looking after little ones, as well as the fact they will probably leave early to put the little ones to bed. Call me selfish but I'm gutted!

Oh no! Is there really no way you can just let your OHs sis bring hers and not have any others? Maybe talk to your friends and see how they feel about it?

Panic over! I went crying to OH after I'd posted my msg on here lol and told him how upset I was about it and he said "I'll sort it. It's our big day and I don't want you to be upset about anything". Bless him, so he spoke to his sister and told her our reasons and that if she wanted to have him the little one there on the evening for a few hours that was fine. She completely understood and wasn't upset. Phew!

Were only having a few children at ours, our nephew will be 14 the day we get married and he's part of the wedding party, and 2 other children (one of them is the best man and my bridesmaids son and the other our god son) there will be about 4 babies there that will be about 1 and under but other than that we are having no children. I dont want children running about in the day, i'm not stating this on the invites though i am only putting the names of the guests on the invites (they will ask my OH's mum if their kids are invited so going to leave it up to her to say no hahahaha becasue she doen't want them there either)

We have this problem at the moment. Our venue isn't huge - maximum of 80 but we only want to invite 65 due to our budget.

Between all the guests invited to the day do, there are 22 children! If we invite all the kids we have to knock some of the adults off the day list.

We have decided to invite immediate family only ... we have 2 little ones and 3 nephews and 1 niece.

So we don't upset anyone (or should that be everyone) as I talk to friends and family about the wedding I am telling them that we won't be inviting children. I approached it as 'Would you be offended if your children weren't invited'. The majority have said that it is OK ... and I think some are looking forward to a day & night at the wedding whilst the kidlets are packed off to the grandparents!

If you talk to people in advance then they will be prepared to see other children there if theirs aren't xx

We're also having the same problem but due to slightly different reasons.

A couple of my friends have five children between them all of which are a bit boisterous (slamming doors, running across and drawing on the furniture at our house) with Mum's from what I've seen turning a blind eye.

We are having candelabra as centre pieces so with this alone it would be dangerous. Also there are friends of other children who are better behaved but if I invite them I will have to invite the five boisterous ones which means we will have 15 children.

So have made the decision it will be family children only as our son will be eight.

Going to be hard telling friends though!

1- very rude to say no children under 5

2- nephews nieces etc would be very upset that they werent invited

3- children bring happiness to the day and everyone loves to see little ones running around giggling

4- personally i wouldnt come if i couldnt bring my 2 year old

5- if everyone except the children are invited where are the children supposed to be

6- when you have children of your own one day you feel the same

good luck though

I had over 20 children at my first wedding and they ruined my first dance!!!!

Also I will have 22 to this wedding............I may give the first dance a miss.lol

If you don't want kids don't feel pressured into having them.

We have a similar, but slightly different dilemma. There are to be 7 children within our family by the day of our wedding, all of whom will be invited to the church ceremony, wedding breakfast and evening reception. They will be 9, 5, 5, 4, 4 and 3yrs, plus a VERY young baby (due 4 weeks before the wedding!) Other than those, I only wanted to invite children to the evening reception, but I will definitely have 1 friend still breastfeeding, possibly 2-3. Of those, 2 of them have older children so I don't feel I can say they can bring the baby but not the toddler! The added complication is that my oldest nephew has autism, as gets extremely upset if other children whinge / cry / shout. I am hoping to put a handwritten note to the families concerned that they are welcome to the ceremony, but could they please sit at the back and take their child outside immediately if it starts to get noisy due to my nephew.

I can't imagine it going down well with some people, but they'll just have to lump it really - my sister and BIL are already doing all they can by paying someone else to come with them to act as an additional carer for him IF he needs to leave the church, but I don't want him to HAVE to due to other unrelated sprogs.

We have a no children other than the bridal party rule. 4 bridesmaids and 1 page boy (my son).

Most of my friends and family have said that they don't mind at all they are looking forward to having time with their partners and enjoying the day.

A couple have kicked up fuss about having to get childcare (even though they all have various options of childcare) but thats up to them, my OH has said if we mean that little to them that they are kicking up a fuss about it then maybe they shouldn't come to the wedding anyway.

I will just point out if we had invited every child that would have been 30 kids (14 high chairs needed) and also my venue is just under £80 a head and we have to have a minimum of 100 guests as a part of the contract which would mean paying adult prices for 30 kids and 30 adults off the guest list.

It's each to their own at the end of the day and you can only do what you and your OH are happy with because you will never please everyone, some people think having children there 'makes the day', i'm sadly not one of them.

Just a little story, my friend got married last year, she had 24 kids there, a couple of them were skidding on the dancefloor and one of them crashed into the cake table and the cake went on the floor, it was a disaster.

.

Wow had forgotten all about this thread. I am interested by the points raised above, obviously some people have very strong views on it. We are still not firmly decided on non-family children as yet, but I feel like we will probably end up inviting all the kids just to take the hassle out of it. I am going to think on the positive posts which said how well younger guests were, rather than the posts which said kids ruined the first dance and the cake!

Don't let my experience put you off........In fairnest my 1st wedding was doomed before the first dance? And they were all very good in the church.

We have 9 nieces and nephews between us so took the decision to just invite all kids.

If we are having 9 we might has well have 22!! We are going to do kids party bags and lawn games etc to keep them occupied.