Is it even worth bothering?

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this

You really should try not to compare yourself to your friends situations - everyone's circumstances are different but I can relate to how you feel but time frames/scales are really difficult to stick to even with meticulous planning!

You say you love him and that all you want is to settle down and start a family so IMO it's totally worth it! I think the overwhelming feeling that your money troubles are giving you is taking all the excitement and fun out of things.

Have you tried to talk to your OH about how you're feeling?

WW

Can you not set up a joint savings account and both but the same amount in it every month, even if you can't save up much at least it's a start. You need to look at realistically what you can afford to save a month and then figure out when you'll be able to afford to get married. It may be that he wants to get married but it's just not his top priority when there are other things that need to be paid for.

Sorry to hear you are feeling crap, I can understand a lot of your frustrations. It does sound like you are not really making ends meet at the moment so it might not be the best time to be paying for a wedding. Can you scale back your plans - eg have a register office service then a meal/party somewhere nice but cheap? Or possibly just stop thinking about it for the time being, until things are more stable. I does seem daft to be falling out about it - sort of defeats the point!

One other thing that rings alarm bells for me is the resentment about money - this is so destructive in relationships. If you are going to be together and have children etc it is really worth getting this sorted between you, just by agreeing what is fair and you both being happy with the arrangements. This kind of thing only gets worse once you have a family and it is worth having some difficult conversations now to avoid trouble down the line.

Moving in together is hard! Me and my OH got engaged then bought a house and moved in together nearly 2 years ago and for the first few months it was bliss but then working full time, doing chores having to pay bills it all mounts up and I definitely know where you are coming from! We have gone through some really bad patches and still do but I couldn't bear the thought of not being with him. I'm desperate to start a family and always wanted to be married first so my life seems to be on hold until we are married next July. But it seems so far away and I had to force my OH to agree to next year as he wanted to wait until 2015! His opinion is that we should wait until we can comfortably afford it, which would be never! Luckily our parents are helping us out paying for the wedding but we still need to find the rest and I still don't know where we are going to get it! But I know if we don't do it now we never will. Its really hard though watching everyone else (some who haven't been together as long as we have) getting married and having children when that's what we want but we are still waiting. Just stick with it as you never know what is around the corner. I would definitely start looking at places so atleast you then know how much you will need to save etc.

Why don't you book April 4th at the registry office, get a nice dress from Monsoon etc, and just do it, inviting people to join you for a pub lunch/dinner afterwards (with them paying)?I did this, albeit with church do, as the blessing on the first anniversary of my first marriage. Total cost about £500 inc ceremony, dress, rings and a bunch of flowers from Tesco.

Then promise yourselves that one day, on your 5th or 10th anniversary, you'll have a more traditional do as a vow renewal if you still want to.

Can I just add my two penneth's worth?

Myself and OH were together 18 years before we got married. (we have been engaged for most of those 18 years). Got the house, the child, the two cats, the money problems, had all the rows. I am 40 now, we have been together since I was 22.

All my friends were getting married around the 25-30 age, having the all singing, all dancing venues, we were happy to attend and wish them all well. That's not to say I wasn't envious of them having their "big day" - I was. (Ironically, most of them are going through messy divorces, now).

We didn't get married simply because we couldn't afford it. We had the "marriage" - we just didn't get around to having the wedding. We were happy enough scraping through and not adding to our money worries with the stress of a looming wedding to pay for.

On April 5th we got married with 60 of our friends and family, in a not-very-expensive do, and had the time of our lives. We were in a better position to be able to afford it and given that we had been together for so long, and already having had the "marriage" for years anyway, it was just a case of sealing the deal, more for our daughters' sake than anything. And we wanted a bit of a party.

My point is, the wedding itself isn't really that important. It really isn't. What is important is that your relationship is strong enough to withold all the pressures that life throws at you - money, or the lack of it - is a massive strain on any relationship. Wairing for the "Right time to do it" worked for us.

Great advice there Janet! I'll be 39 at the end of this month. We have been together 8 years (this time) but have honestly loved eachother since we met in '99. We have had our ups and downs, raised 4 teenagers between us and got a little girl of 4. We have had a business together which failed and led to bankruptcy and although now discharged , we are still just making it through money wise. we knew we wanted to marry and would have been happy to either wait until finances allowed or just have a small, simple yet equally special wedding. It just so happens that mother dearest had a wedding fund put aside which she was desperate to spend lol! We have put a bit to it, as has my dad and it has cost around 6k for what we know will be an amazing day.

The important thing is the relationship. All we know is, we can't envisage ever being apart. We dream about what we will do when we are old together. We are best friends. And no matter the adversity, we WILL overcome it because we love, trust and need eachother.

The wedding is only a small part of it.... The marriage is what matters- only when you both feel truly ready for that should you go ahead. Regardless of finance.

If you are really ready to commit to one another you can do...

BTW Janet..... I don't recall a report or flash!! ;0) xx

Of course! Yur tiz - (I couldn't be bothered with a report - sorry - but you can see some pictures.

Dress - £140 House of Frazer, Shoes - £18 - next sale - hair thing - £18 from ebay, hair - £0 (sister is hairdresser)

Cars - £3 (Cost of ribbons for my mates nice car)

Photographers - £0 (mates did them all - 1200 of them!)

Suits - £210 for 3

Venue - £2300, drinks, 3 course meal for 60 guests, evening buffet for 90, wine, welcome drinks, DJ, bridal suite

Total - Less than £4K with other bits and pieces, I think.

best day ever. You don't have to spend a fortune.

Oh wow!!!!!!!

(sorry to hijack your post, Piestar!)

Janet it all looks gorgeous!!!! Such a beautiful day!! But how on earth can you be 40 and look so damn hot??!!!! :0) xx

I have an account where I put money for the wedding fund, he has access from online banking, etc to out money in. He says he doesn't have enough. Whenever I bring it up, he just replies, 'you pay half the bills exactly then'. Which he knows I cannot afford to do. In don't expect him to do it all, but with him being the 'breadwinner' I did expect more of him. I've just given up now, I have no fight left in me to make this wedding happen before its even begun. £4K might not seem much, but to us its a huge amount and, money we (I) don't have. He says he's confused by what I want - know he knows how I feel! I beginning to wish we had never got a house, things were simpler when we were young with no responsibilities.

And he also said he wants 'somewhere special' so would prefer not to get married in a registry office but hasnt even the money to do that.

I don't know what I want anymore from this! ☹️

You need to sit him down and tell him this, ALL of this ^^^^

*Hugs* sorry you are feeling so crappy about it.

Sorry you are feeling so down! From what you've said it sounds as though you are happy with your fella and keen to marry him - the problems are money worries and settling into living together. Both of which are completely normal. You should have a proper talk with your fella to explain how you feel, and listen to what he says. Maybe he doesn't seem keen because he is so worried about money?

Perhaps looking at different venues and types of weddings might give you some inspiration for what sort of thing you could afford next year vs. saving up for a bit longer. Then you can see what you would prefer, i.e. something a bit cheaper sooner, or a bit more expense later on. A good idea might be to have a cheap as chips wedding (after all, it's about the marriage, not the first day of marriage!), and then committing to a lavish anniversary/ blessing in 5/10 yrs time.

You ought to talk about how you manage money between you. If you leave this, it will only get worse. Maybe talking about what you will do when you have children might put things into perspective? Me and my OH have always managed our money separately, but the more we talk about the future we realise we will need to 'pool' money more, especially if only one of us is working.

Best of luck with everything x

I understand ! Moving in is really hard! We have been in our house nearly 3 years ! We are just getting the hang of what we can and can't spend to keep savings! I also earnt less than my fiancé and he paid the difference of my bills and food shopping ! I have since got a better job so hoping I can contribute more! We have a joint account which the bills come out of and we put the same in each month! Anything left in our personal accounts is for us to spend as we please! It seems to work quite well! Money always seems to be a problem .... Have you tried explaining how you feel , how important it is to you? Just say you don't mind when it is , but you would like to choose a venue and date . At least then it's something to look forward to ? I am sure It will all work out! Its just a bump in the road xxx

I know you're probably looking for work all the time and that's really hard. I was out of work for eight month in 2011 and the pressure of not earning was immense. You can't magic up a better job out of nowhere.

Have you thought of starting up a little business through some of the organisations that let you be agents/distributors. Avon, Body Shop and Ann Summers are one example to get a little pin money. If I was ever out of work again though, I'd go with Utility Warehouse and do that full time. I was doing it in January but found it hard alongside a more than full time job, planning a wedding and being on the board of a charitable trust. The upside is that to get commission off the your customers as long as they keep paying their monthly bills, so it starts to be a regular monthly income. The downside if that it's a more complicated sell - people like to know all the ins and outs before signing up. My lodger, when I had one a few years ago, did Avon and it was great because she is very chatty and outgoing.

You may not be keen but Donald Trump has been quoted as saying if he lost it all, he'd find a good network marketing deal and go from there.

I really, really sympathise, but from the opposite direction. I earn almost exactly double what my fiance earns, and for a long time it was more like three times as much. As much as you want to be nice and share everything equally, sometimes you do feel frustrated that you give extra financially. I really am not proud of that frustration, and I'm horrified whenever I mention it because I know how unfair I'm being. I always have to remind myself that this is a partnership; after all, if he won the lottery tomorrow I'd hardly expect him to keep it all to himself!

This is a long winded way of saying that you need to talk to him about it, but be prepared for a row because he very likely knows he's behaving badly, will be immediately defensive and, in the heat of the moment, not very nice about the financial situation. That doesn't mean everythings doomed. Money can put an incredible strain on a relationship, and everything else seems so much worse when finances are tight. The only advice I have is that you have to approach it jointly and keep talking about how you feel. We had a real breakthrough moment when we were able to get the giggles about having no money at the end of the month and having to live off tinned soup. It suddenly became us against everyone else who seemed to be so much better at sorting out their money, and suddenly it all didn't seem so important. Remind him that contributions to a relationship don't just come in financial terms; my OH does all the washing and cleaning, and without him I'd end up going to work in my underwear. It's not just about money and he might just need reminding of that.

I think you need to tell him everything, exactly how you feel and how upset its making you, and then give him space to think about his bad behaviour. I suspect his initial reaction will be defensive and angry, but after a bit of thinking he'll realise that marriage has to be a partnership.

Thanks guys for all your responses. I talked to him a bit more tonight, get a bit upset and a little angry I'll admit. He says he did save money on one side but it all got taken when buying the house as we had to put a 20% deposit down. I asked why he never puts anything in the 'joint' savings account and he simply said he doesn't have enough money. He says he's left with between £200-£300 a month left after paying bills. It's the same as me, granted he doens't get overtime like I do occasionally, so technically I 'never had it so won't miss it', as it's on top of my normal wages.

We both want the date we settled on next year, we both don't want an extravagant wedding by any means, we're probably hiring a local village hall for £14 an hour and having our music via their sound system from an MP3 player. We are trying to find somewhere cheap to marry that isn't neccessarily a registry office and having hada chat with a lovely lady whose wedding I'm photographing later this year, she said by the time you've paid for a lot of things, it works out cheaper to get married in church if that's something you'd consider. I would as I LOVE churches, I'm not particularly religious, I'll admit, but I used to go to Sunday school and the church in my old village where my parents still live is where a lot of relatives are buried, so it would like they were there. Plus it's only about £420 and that's with the vicar and Banns and everything, much cheaper than getting a registrar to come out somewhere. x

Hey hun, firstly can I say I completely understand how you feel with the whole money situation- Im in the same position as you, and we have the same arguments- OHs reaction to any money arguments is "you pay half the bills then" and he also says I am terrible with money and can't be trusted. So I know how it feels to be labelled by your partner.

(My solution for this? Unfortunatly I dont have one as of yet, and this is the basis for many of our rows, so id love it if I did. When I figure it out, Ill let you know lol)

Also I have a partner whop has veeeeery little interest in the wedding, to the point that I really dont discuss it much with him at all. Apparently the reason he vhas so little interest is he is worried about cost, so I guess its all linked really. Again I dont have a solution per se, just wanted to let you know I feel your pain!

The only thing I can offer of value is that you might want to check some local hotels re having just your ceremony there- my venue charge £500 for the ceremony, , but another place I looked at only charged £330, so you never know- have a look at smaller, best western hotels maybe (2 of my friends married at best western hotels in leicester, beautiful and it was much cheaper). You never know!

HTH x

To be fair to the OP's OH, I don't think he's behaving particularly badly, as somebody said, I think he is just being a little cautious, which is understandable. He doesn't want to commit to something he is not sure he is going to be able to afford, and that is fair enough, although I do realise how disheartening that can be for the bride to be.

It was due to my over-cautiousness that we waited 18 years to do it ourselves, so I can see where he is coming from.

My advice would be to put it back a bit, until you are both financially more secure. To be fair, you have achieved great things already - getting on the housing ladder in this current climate is a feat in itself - you've been very wise. And that is a commitment in itself, really.

You love him, he loves you, and you both want to get married on 4th April next year.

He isn't putting as much as you into the 'wedding fund' and you aren't putting as much as him into the 'household expenses'. You are both paying as much as you can reasonably into whatever, as you have similar amounts left at the end of the month.

You need to realsistically work out what you can save between you if you really try (and that may involve dipping into your social month end money). From this amount you can budget what is and isn't doable. It may be that on your budget in your timescale you can't afford a private venue and may need to go registry, or it may be that you need to ask favours from both your families for buffet food/driinks etc to make the reception happen. Either way this is all about communication, (as is marriage proper) so you looking at venues while he's sulking and worrying that you can't afford it is bound to end in tears.

I hope you get it sorted.

edited to say: a second part time job would be a tough option for you but it would all be 'wasn't expecting it so may as well save it' money and it would only need to be for a year!

Hi there, I'm sorry to butt in on this post but have just seen your wedding pictures and have absolutely fallen in love with your dress....I've looked on the House of Fraser website but can't seem to find it. Can you give me any more details or point me in the right direction ?? My wedding is only 9 weeks away and I do obviously already now have a dress but yours is exactly what I originally had envisaged me wearing on my special day. HELP PLEASE !!!!!! xxx

I'm an insomniac apparently!!!! Your post kept me enthralled I must admit. I hate the thought of someone feeling so low especially due to a wedding. So I really do empathise. But I think you should settle into your house a little longer & see how this goes. Couples often find that this alone puts an awful lot of pressure on their relationship. 16 months is a short time as far as you guys living together honestly. Enjoy what you have now, rather than add to the stress of getting married, sounds like its the last thing you need.

I'll be honest if I worked full time and my other half part time & he saved some of his part time wages for something not even decided. I'd be very upset with him, especially if he couldn't cover his share of the bills. In my opinion you have a very good young man. Whom I don't think is attempting to compete with you financially. That would be really really silly as you work part time. Yes he has his season ticket but as you say just like you that's what he goes to work for? You have the future to plan & prepare for your wedding before setting a date. It will be even better if planned well not necessarily spend lots. I have a feeling if rushed you will still not be happy. Why put all that pressure on yourselves?

Look at the minite its a bit like your bullying you!!! Forget your friends theyre not you. bet theyre not even all that!!! Be realistic, not your fault but it would be life improving obviously if you could earn more, hence save more if you think leaving homes hard wait till the kids come along!!!

Seriously this recession, it is what it is. There will not be an influx of jobs and a decrease of prices. Doesn't mean you can't have and do what you want. It just means it won't happen overnight.

Be careful what you wish for is all i say. You'll work it out big best wishes right at ya X

It looks like you've chatted about this already but I was going to say I think you need a good sit down chat about finances. Get yourselves a spreadsheet. Put it both your OH and your wages and breakdown where they go. Openly and honestly in front of each other. Because while he forgets how little you earn if he earns double 600 I don't think you understand how far that doesn't go. Both me and my OH are on your OHs wages now. It wasn't always like that I was part time like you for a while, and we still struggle and have to keep a close eye when paying half each. Let alone one of us paying most. And when you say your both left with 200-300 each after outgoings, that is a hell of a lot to put towards a wedding. Now we are wedding saving after accounting for all bills and food etc we have 100 each. Which doesn't go very far at all with our friends getting married and birthdays etc. But we chose to sacrifice a lot (not all) of our social life to get married. And I know its worth it. It's hard to watch all of our friends out all of the time, especially those who married last year! But I can't wait to be his wife and at the end of the day how important is a Chinese takeaway. You're a team, you need to start acting like it. Money is the worst thing to fall out about as it never goes away.

I can imagine how you feel as I'm almost in the same boat as you.

Met when 16/17 at school and been together 10 years, 11 when we marry.

The one thing I would say, you (we) are still young. Just because you've been together a while doesnt mean you have to marry now. Why not wait a few years when you've been able to save a little and there's less stress on you?

I know you really want to get married now but saying you're wondering whether you should bother at all is not good. Take time out and work on your relationship, don't put pressure on yourself to get married now when things are tough and you have a lifetime to marry.

So sorry to hear your feeling so down ☹️

I think everyone's relationship may have been put under strain with money issues at some point, it can be really hard. We just bought our first house just over a year ago, and it takes a lot of adjustment on the money front so I completely understand.

OH earns a lot more than I do, so to make it fair with bills etc, we have a joint account which all the bills come out of. We each put in 70% of our wage at the end of the month, for him thats more than me, but we pay the same % if that makes sense?? Is it possible for you and your OH to set up something like this?

Our money in the joint account covers the bills, and then a little bit is left over, so each month that little bit adds up.

Whilst Im saving every spare penny for the wedding, OH has just gone self employed so is having to spend what he saves on equipment for his job (which is fecking expensive!), it does annoy me that this is what his savings are going on, but then in the grand scheme of things he works so that we have money for our future, and if buying more equipment means he gets more work, therefore more money for our future then this is far more important to me than the wedding day.

Although you OH may not do any saving for the wedding, he is contributing to your life together by paying for bills, saving the money for the deposit etc. Its far more important to be happy and not married, then be arguing about money to get married.

Sam x

hi there - do you mean me? I had my dress from House of Fraser. It's called "Ariella Ottoman Shift" dress and it cost £140 but I am sorry to say, I think they have discontinued it. Ebay might be able to help?

I found this for you - you got five days left to bid. Size 12.

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Wedding-dress-ivory-size-12-Ariella-/161034403317?pt=UK_Wedding_Dresses&hash=item257e65fdf5#ht_25wt_1170

This is what I was going to suggest. Add up what the bills come to every month (an average if needed if the bill is variable) including mortgage. Add up your joint earnings. Work out what percentage of the joint income is spent on the joint expenses. Then you each put that percentage into an account to cover everything. You can then see what you each have left over. How much are you each willing to contribute to a wedding savings account? Be practical as you will need some contingency and you will want some spending money for yourself. Once you have seen this you need to decide if saving for a wedding is feasible.

Perhaps your OH has already figured out how much could be saved and decided it isn't enough to build up to the type of wedding he thinks you want?

It sounds like you both want to get married but you are both thinking different things and operating based on these. Just as others have said, you need to be honest with each other and practical about a wedding.

I know how easy it is to get an idea in your head about getting married and thinking that you are the only one caring about it but not seeing the bigger picture. I did this and got so angry and fed up with OH. We have sorted it now and are both happy with the way we are approaching it.

Take a step back and really communicate with your OH.

Things are a lot better lately, we've actually talked more and been able to spend some proper days together, which is normally very difficult as he works Mon - Fri and I work every Sunday and some Saturdays as I work in retail and he works in an office. We really want that specific day next year, so are slowly paddling towards it. If we manage to find what we need/like in everything then great, if not then we'll have to rethink the date. But it would be great to have our meaningful date.

I think I might have over reacted a little, but I'm sure most of you will empathise with me when stuff gets you down! We both want that date, we both want to marry each other, I want to marry him, not just have a wedding. We want a day that's special without spending what we don't have, we're both savvy when it comes to getting a bargain, so hopefully we can stumble across something fab!

Glad you're feeling better Piestar, I do sympathise, my friend has been with her bf for about 8 years and they're not engaged yet, she has hinted that he has until the 10th year to man up haha!

Haha. I used to say this to my OH.

I work with a Chinese girl who told me that in China if you're with someone 10 years and don't get married they need to get the heave-ho. Whether this is true or actually happens, I don't know. Eitherway, I told my OH this and we got engaged after being together over 9 years ?. Thank you Canny!!

Hi JanetJones,

Thankyou so much....you are an absolute star.....I will soon be bidding on that dress.

Thanks a million.

Sarah xx