is it just cold feet.......?

This is a tricky one. I'm a big fan of talking, have you tried having a heart to heart and asking him if there is anything else besides the money that means he is wanting it to be over with? Be assured that you're not the only one to go through this. My OH is actually not bothered at all about money (too laid back IMO) but is similar in the sense that he's not really interested in the day at all.

I think it's quite a male trait to think weddings cost too much - when I told OH how much the wedding venue had quoted his jaw almost hit the floor, but I was thinking about how reasonable it sounded for such a beautiful venue! He's also not very interested in much of the planning and told me to just give him a brief summary at regular intervals, haha.

But no! I wouldn't postpone or cancel but definitely have a talk through and see if there are any underlying issues. Maybe he actually feels inadequate because you're the one buying everything and he's only paying for the honeymoon? You won't know unless you talk to him.

Mmm - I think you two need to have a serious chat. There's a lot of I, him and me in this not much we going on. I only saw one "we" in that post. You say you need to pay your suppliers rather than you paying "our" suppliers.

Perhaps he feels he is being pushed into something he doesn't actually want and that because he isn't paying, feels he has no say and that he feels embarrassed. You say you don't see why he's complainging when he's not paying - but it is your wedding together. How much each contributes is a side issue. A wedding is a joint thing that you do together. You should plan and agree everything, compromising along the way.

You've jumped straight into cancelling the wedding - but cancelling a wedding is a lot easier and cheaper than divorce. Sorry if that's harsh, but I think you need to sit down together and think back to why you both wanted to get married and see what's happening now that puts that in doubt. Be honest. You get married because you love each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together, not bevause you want this or that wedding. If push came to shove, would you be happy just the two of you in a registry office or church? If no then you need to rethink and focus on why that wouldn't do.

If he'd rather have a scaled down wedding then you need to work out how you both get what you'd like so you have your perfect day within your budget. The day belongs to you both - not just you.

Welcome to hitched btw

x

I have tried talking to him about it. He says its the money. He doesnt see why we have to spend so much. He would have been happy with a registry office and pub reception. I wanted something different. He has put his foot down and said that he will not change his mind on it. Ive been feeling like so much during this whole planning process and im sick of it. Surely I should be enjoying it, not feeling guilty for the choices I have made. I could cry I am so fed up. I brought all the bits to make my bm thank you pressies and cant bring myself to actually make them im so down about it all.

Does he realise how much things cost? We've got an 8k budget as well and sometimes OH will comment on how much we're spending but when I showed him what the money was going on he realised that to get the day we both want we have to spend a certain amount. Has he had much say in the wedding planning? Can I ask why you're paying for the whole thing?

It's really tough for you - put it this way - you'll be upset if you don't have your dream wedding, but you'll get over that. What if you lost him by insisting it's your way or no way?

What is your goal here - to be married to the love of your life or have the dream wedding? I know it's easy to asy and we all have our little feet stamping moments, but if he's absolutely set, then you need to decide just how you feel now and longer term. You could turn it on it's head to him and say why should you give everything up - propose a compromise. Ask him why are your wishes so unimportant. There are two sides and you just have to work out a middle ground. :/

When we first started this whole process we agreed to pay half each. But then he said he wld pay for honeymoon and the rings amd I would get everything else. That was his way of spliting it. Ive shown him every thought and idea ive had.we have made all the choices together. He chose his suit and found the waist coats he wanted. I do refer to the planning as I and mine coz im the one doing it all. Im an event planner by trade so he knows I get a kick out it, knows im good at it and he trusts that we will have an amazing day. But I run all my ideas by him first. Ive shown him where the money is going, and tried to explain that things arent cheap. He thinks its crazy that weddings cost so much and people charge so much.

As far as venue goes, while I understand that its about us making a commitment to each other etc, I am not wanting a registry office wedding at all. I dont feel we should have a church wedding coz we arent religious and I feel its not right. I have spent my life scrimping ans scraping to make ends meet. Everything I have done and continue to do has been hard, everything is a fight and we both work hard. We have been together 8yrs and they have been a very difficult 8 years. There isnt much we havent been through as a couple and as individuals. Getting married for me is a great big middle finger to all the crap we have been through, to all the doubters and haters, to show the world that I love him to pieces and I always will.he is my world. I want to have the wedding day I know we deserve and a registry office just isnt that. Im sorry if thatmakes me sound like a princess, im really not, i never put myself first and for one day, our day id like to get married in the venue I have fallen in love with. Surely thats not too much to ask?

And that Hun is what you need to say to him. . It's not too much to ask but if he's dug his heels in then you need to work out what he wants from this. Feel for you, but perhaps you being an event planner makes him feel his wishes aren't important.

Hi Nikki,

Please don't get too downhearted about this, I can kind of see your OH's point as I am the same. My OH would love the big white wedding day, but we also want a house and holidays, so I cannot bring myself to spend thousands on a day. I love him and want to marry him, but I don't see the need for a massive day to that (it's just not me). I don't think this is a case of him not wanting to get married, probably the opposite... He just wants to marry you and doesn't see the need to spend so much. I'm not criticising on your budget, far from it, you should have your day just as you both want it (I'm sure he'll love it), but knowing what it's like to not want to spend money in certain things, I feel I can empathise a little with him. It took OH and I a lot of planning, replanting and compromising to reach our final conclusion... A last minute wedding in Jamaica months after we'd booked the actual holiday!!!

Just talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel and I'm sure you'll sort this

I under where you are coming from, it took us 10 yrs to get married and its been a hell and back roller coaster during those 10 years on a regular basis!Talk to him a bit more. Explain how much it means to you to have a day that feels special in every way. I get the registry office aversion and I would have felt the same.compromise is important - im sure you may feel like you are already doing that by 'only' spending 8k... and he might be feeling pressured because 8k is a lot of money and maybe he feels under pressure to spend more on the honeymoon to compensate for the extra you are paying in the wedding.men do tend to be oblivious to the cost of events. .and many men just dont see the point in spening 1000s on 1 day. I think they key is for you to get it across to him why you want a particular kind of day ie, you feel you both deserve more than a cheap do and you want to feel really special, which you wont get out of a cheap and cheerful wedding. After what you've been through as a couple you want to make a fuss of your wedding and why not?, you only do it once. I know lots of couples who did it on the cheap and had great weddings, I know others who spent a fortune only to divorce shortly afterwards. Its clear you dont want a registry office and by the sounds of it youve got something else booked in any event, so he has compromised there.maybe he feels its more about 'showing'other people than about the two of you...and you kind of alluded to that by referring to sticking 2 fingers up. You dont have anything to prove. You know him best, talk to him and assure him that youre not dojng this jyst to put on a show...but that its because you want you both to have a beautiful and special day that you will look back on and go 'wow, we had an amazing day'.Good luck x x x

Hi hun, it does sound like a tricky situation you are in...

However, I don't think questioning him wanting to marry you is in anyway productive. I don't think it is cold feet at all, I don't believe he is having second thoughts about marrying you.

It may seem like it, due to him being about as excited as a wet mop at the moment, but the issue here is clearly money. HE may not be spending on the wedding, but that doesn't mean he doesn't worry about you, and you having to go through potential financial strain. He agreed he wanted to pay for half of it, clearly he cannot quite afford to do that, and with some men, that can make them feel slightly 'inferior'. My H2B has had some complaining & stressy moments about the money side of things, as he is adamant that pays for half, but deep down we both know he can't afford half, as I earn a lot more than him, so naturally I end up paying for more (which I don't mind).

Carry on with your wedding plans, and once the big day arrives, the money won't be on his mind, you will be. It's just to him spending 8k on 'one day' is a bit of a bitter pill to swallow, but he will swallow it. If he tries to change the wedding, then just say 'everything's booked now, we could lose a lot of money cancelling/changing suppliers, we may as well crack on with it'

HTH, chin up, and all the best!