Is the first year of marriage meant to be so hard?!

I think you will find quite a few people on here who say that the first year is the hardest - I know it definitely was for me. We had some tremendous arguments in our first year, and almost seperated before our first anniversary.

I don't know what it is - maybe it's the whole getting used to being married thing.

I hope things work out for you. Is there some sort of compromise you can come to?

I once read a very old fashioned book, set in the 1950s in the USA which I ended up loving. The story of a young nurse and how her life evolved from student to married mother of four is good fun to read but mostly full of stuff that makes no sense in modern England. Bear with me, this is going somewhere !!!

While the majority was irrelevant, during my first year of marriage to my ex, when times were difficult there was one line that came back to me over and over again.

The main character's father says to his daughter that after the excitement of the wedding is over, you have to learn a new way of being in love. This means that you will find there are bits of your husbsnd's personality you don't like and bits of your personality that he doesn't like. The trick is to keep going until you realise that you love each other despite your imperfections and have learned to live with them.

I don't know how true those words are for everyone, but they helped me!

Of course, then everything went tits up but hey, I tried ?

Stick with it my lovely and it will improve xxx

It certainly seems to be that way for us! We're not really getting along that well either. He's just started a new job which involves shift work and we've had a fair few cross words already.

I could have quite happily punched his face in this morning! In fact I'm still in a terrible mood and have now just snapped at a colleague. In all fairness this colleague was asking for it. He knew I was not in the best of moods and kept poking me with his f**king pen!!! So I snatched it out of his hand, broke it an threw it across the room. I'm actually half laughing as I'm writing this as it sounds so pathetic!

Maybe it is an expectation thing? Deep down maybe l naively expected him to make more an effort and make me more of a priority?

Apparently he will grace us with his presence on the Friday afternoon / evening once we get there and the morning of the Saturday. After that we are both going to his parents. It is quite likely l will never hear the end of it. I like the way he has lost sight of the point of the weekend being to scatter my Dad's ashes, it is hardly a fun weekend away. Oh and he told me this morning he doesn't want to stay in the hotel. He wants to stay with his parents, despite the fact previously saying he wanted to stay at the hotel and the hotel has already been booked.

I don't have any advise as we're not married yet but you've got me a little worried! My OH and I have lived together for 6 yrs already and I just assumed (perhaps naively!) that we would still be the same after the wedding and nothing much would change. Do you feel different now that your married? Does making that commitment maybe make a difference to how you see things?

I think it's very common, Erin. Sorry it's all a bit pants at the moment.

I think though, that this stuff about the weekend to scatter your dads ashes is another point entirely and that he's being completely unreasonable.

To be honest, if you want to spend that whole weekend with your family, you should. If he absolutely wants to go and see his family from Saturday morning onwards then so be it, but don't feel you have to go with him.

Exactly this.

I can't comment on the one year thing but there was a thread (possibly in WP?) about how people felt their relationships changed after marriage. On the whole it was really positive.

Huge hugs. I am sure It will work out.

FWIW, I think he is being completely unreasonable and I can see why you are so upset about it. However, if he isn't willing to back down, then I don't think there's anything you can do. Is he getting pressure from his family? As in, them telling him he has to see them whilst he's there? Perhaps he's putting them before you - which is wrong, but not uncommon in men I have found!

If I were in your position, I would just tell him to do what he wants. I presume you will be with your family - I think you should forget about your H and just spend it with them, reminiscing of the good memories about your dad etc. You might find it more comforting in the sense that you wont have to worry about whether he's happy.

Your post sounds really defeated and weary Erin. As if you don't know what to do next but know you don't want to carry on as things are? So a weirdy internet hug.

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
― Albert Einstein

Having not been married before I do wonder if there is an element of truth in this quote. We acknowledge someone's weaknesses but marry them anyway. Maybe part of that is the hope that getting married will somehow wash them away or they will be a better person. The first year is realising that isn't true and the second deciding on ways to cope and compromise.

To agree with what others have said - just because you are married doesn't mean you have to spend the weekend doing only what he wants to do. Ideally yes you could come to an agreement. However, if he can't understand why spending time with your family at what will be an emotional time then let him see his family and you see yours. Is there a reason you feel you have to do what he has decided you will both do? Would you feel comfortable sticking to your guns and doing what you want to do?

If your husband won't go to counselling with you I would strongly recommend going on your own. Relate often see one half of a couple who are having relationship problems. You can learn lots of communication skills which may enable you to either persuade him to join you or to have more effective discussions with him. And also explore what is going on from your side of this.

"People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert,

This is so true.

Oh Erin you sound so down.

A lot of what the girls have already said makes a lot of sense.

With regards to your weekend in Ireland - this is for you and your family - do what you need to do so that you don't look back and regret anything, If that means spending the weekend with your family and not his then so be it. He will have to deal with that.

The rest you can work on afterwards.

Have a hug x

I think we did things back to front. Our first year of marriage was mostly really good, I felt we both chilled out and enjoyed ourselves and I felt really different being married.

The year before however was our worst ever year. It was horrific and to be honest I'm quite surprised we actually got married. Don't get me wrong, we bicker and occasionally fall out now (and I occasionally want to punch him in the face!) but that was nothing compared to before. We had proper shouting matches constantly. I think because we bought our house, there was loads of renovating to be done in a small timescale, I was pretty ill and we had just got engaged. It was a lot of grown up responsibility and change and although we had stayed together a lot, this was the first of us living together. Even thinking about it makes me feel horrid. So I don't think it's always your first year, I think it's when there is a lot of upheaval and change on your lives. Which I guess for a lot of people it is their wedding. All this pressure is on married life.

We've just had our second anniversary and we've been trying to have a bit more fun (we've been bogged down with money problems, family problems and health problems) and we just decided to do things together and enjoy ourselves and I can honestly say the last maybe three months have been the best and happiest of our marriage (if not our relationship) so it's definitely helped us.

He sounds like his is really stubborn and it must be really difficult to cope with.

In regards to your Ireland trip, it is for your family, not his. Could he go off with his family and you spend time with your mum and brother? Especially as you don't often see your family, I wouldn't be compromising my time with them for his family. Big hugs, you sound totally fed up xx

Didn't want to read and run but I agree with the others. I hope things work themselves out, there are lots of examples of couples struggling in the first year of marriage and getting through it.

As for this weekend, I would simply say to him "this is going to be a very difficult weekend for me and I really need your support." If he still insists on being unreasonable than let him do his thing and you'll do yours with your family.

I agree with what everyone else has said, the point of the weekend seems to be to scatter your dad's ashes. Explain to him calmly that you want him to be there to support you during this hard weekend for your family, but if he can't, he can by all means go to his family and your will see him when you are finished with your family on Sunday or Monday. Please don't give in to what he wants and rush your task and celebration/reflection, you will regret it and grow to resent him.

I really struggled throughout our first year of marriage, and part of the second. I struggled with being married at 24 I think, no longer being able to be selfish, occasional arguments with H as I remained selfish (going out straight from work and still not home at 7am the next morning when he woke up for work), and ultimately struggling with some other personal things that CBT helped me to overcome. H was wonderful throughout, and only snapped occasionally, but I was the weak link in our marriage. If I hadn't had CBT I believe I would have torn us apart, or at least destroyed myself. So yes, I believe that the first year is incredibly tough.

That said, I also think that your H is being very unreasonable about the upcoming trip. I would sit him down, calmly, one last time, and explain how difficult this is for you and how much you need his support. Tell him that you will pop over to say hi to his family, perhaps a lunch or dinner, but that this weekend is yours, for you and your family, which now includes him. Stay at the hotel, regardless of whether he does or not, but if he chooses not to ask him to seriously consider why he would expect/need/hope for from you...put the shoe on the other foot.

I must admit that the mortgage thing concerns me too. No way would I be paying 50%, if not more, if household claims to a house which he holds solely in his name and you have no claim to. I am a realist, and I know that marriage statistics aren't great, I wouldn't risk being left with nothing, no matter how much I loved and trusted somebody. Maybe some legal people can pop by with some more advice. If it were me, I would want the paperwork amended, certainly prior to having children.

Lastly, have a huge hug, it sounds like you need it. ?

Haha like you l have colleagues that annoying!

No, not at all. I just wish for once he would see my view on things but as is often the case then he is oblivious. I don't think it is unreasonable under the circumstances.

We were together a little under 9 years when we got married and like you didn't expect anything to change. But so far l have felt less tolerant about him and he pushes my buttons more than ever. In all honesty l don't know why things feel different, l am just guessing that it is an expectation thing maybe?

Thanks for the great advice and the internet hugs everyone.

Aaw sweetie I wonder if this is part of the post wedding blues. You're in that vacuum now which until so recently was filled with all things wedding. You had such an amazing wedding that perhaps things are now starting to find the norm again. I do know a lot of people really struggle when they are then married. I know it's something me and my h2b have talked about as it is a worry.

I wonder if your hubby has got worse or if it's that you now have more time to ponder the things that niggle. I'm not saying you're being unreasonable, far from it, but have these issues been there all along with the rose tints of getting married pushing them into the background.

I do think you need to sit down and have a really good discussion. The house should be in joint names and that would worry me, but some are ok with it. Does he acknowledge that things aren't ok atm? X

I think the advice you've had already has been spot on. Talk to him, quietly, about how you're feeling. He might not understand exactly how important this trip is and the reasons behind it. Spell it out for him. If that doesn't work. SULK!! Seriously though, I really feel for you and I think he's being an arse. *hugs*

x

I don't really feel I can offer anything but hugs.

I married a complete twunt who decided to leave when things got tough and he stopped getting his own way.

Yeah, reading this has given me the same concerns! We've only been together just over 18 months though (will be 2yrs 3 months by the wedding) - I dunno if that's a good or bad thing. It does seem from what she's told us that Erin's H is being stubborn and selfish over the ashes scattering trip, but I'm not sure how to resolve it. I will add a weird hug, though.

There are some very wise words on this thread. Our first year was ok, but we had so much sh1t thrown at us, we couldn't help but pull together to get through it (if that makes sense). This year, things in our family life have settled down, but that in itself is highlighting how much our relationship has changed and in many ways we're struggling with that and bickering over stupid things.

I hope you're ok and can come to a compromise over the weekend. What he's asking isn't at all reasonable.

Sorry I missed this Erin, he's being completely unreasonable about the ashes scattering thing. Huge hugs and I hope he starts to see sense.

*BT ref*

Ravioli could be on to something there, much of our stress came from my inability to get pregnant, and I suspect that it would have been a tough time regardless, just so happens it was in our first year and a half. Everything has settled back in to normal cosy life now, despite moving house at just under 6 weeks pregnant, we really haven't had any fall outs or stresses.

I don't want all B2Bs panicking, but it's also helpful to know that it can happen, so that it's not a huge shock if times are tough for a bit. It helped me to know that other 2012 brides were having down patches too, and to know that other Otters who were married in the previous years had gone through similar and come out the other side.

A bit late to this,but yes, our first year was pretty bad in terms of arguements etc. It didn't help I spent most of that year pregnant / breastfeeding and we also bought a house (seriously. The two most stressful things ever).

year 2 seems to be getting better, although we have had a few "I want a divorce" moments. Things are mostly better due to me changing my mindset about things and trying to be less controlling and put faith in my husband. I read some, not all, of The Surrendered Wife and it helped a bit. I was a bit cynical, but now I believe some of the stuff in there helps.

I can't really offer any advice as my first marriage lasted barely 1 year. He seemed to take being married as licence to be twice as abusive as he was before the wedding. But you live you learn!

Ooh, interesting. I've read some of that too and I'm extremely cynical, particularly the part where she says that if you're being verbally abused by your husband it's your responsibility to become less controlling and more respectful in order to make him stop. (I won't quote it here but you can read a bit of that part at https://lauradoyle.org/surrendered-wife-sample-chapter/.)

As I say, some useful. Some not!

i am a lot less nagging. I have to trust my husband will fulfil my requests, and he generally does and it saves me hassle. Sure, sometimes it takes longer, or I don't get the exact thing I had in my mind, but it's sorted without me worrying over it.

As for the verbal abuse stuff, I can't remember, but they say at the beginning if you have an abusive partner in general, then you shouldn't follow the book? That said, my husband, and I Can both get a bit shouty at one another, although it' mostly stems from poor communication. I guess it is sort of right re: less controlling though. I mean, it's hard but you have yo trust them to do the right thing.

the main thing for me is to respect him more, and not moan about him to mum/friends. All it does it make me look like I made a poor decision in marrying him, iykwim.

That does all sound stressful and hard work. Buying a house and still dealing with the fall out from my Dad passing away last year. My Mum was on the phone to me today moaning about why my Dad's brother and other family members had to come to the ashes scattering?! Oh yeah and both of our families are quite hard work! Plus we have both been under pressure and worked loads since the honeymoon. Next weekend is the first weekend we will get to spend with each other since the honeymoon and we have been back for 5 weeks as of yesterday!

It says if he is physically abusive you shouldn't, but verbal abuse is probably your fault and it's your responsibility to change to stop it happening. I'm paraphrasing obvs...but yeah.