Is this being silly?

Please dont take this the wrong way, but I do think you are over reacting a little.I understand how you might be upset that your sister doesnt want you as part of her day, but it sounds like its not just you and the whole family. These are her ideas for her perfect wedding day and I think you need to respect that. I think dropping her as your bridesmaid would just be spiteful and wouldn't change her mind, just cause upset and to be honest sounds like cutting your nose off to spite your face. At the end of the day, dropping her would only achieve misery for you.

Sorry but I think you are being a little silly. Firstly, from what I've read she isn't even engaged yet and secondly you can't just have her as your bridesmaid on the basis that she returns the favour. If they do get married and choose to go away with just the two of them then that's their decision and if it was me, I'd respect that decision. On the otherhand, I can appreciate why you're a little hurt but honestly, I really don't think it should be reason enough for you to drop her as your bridesmaid. Sorry for being honest!

I can understand you feeling hurt i know i would if my brother said the same but it wouldnt stop me from him being my Usher.

I think each person is different and we need to respect their opinions with weddings, i actually wanted to go abroad however both families wanted a big input into our wedding and we felt it was only fair to get married close to home so our families could enjoy etc and in all honesty were actually glad the decision we made.

I guess what im trying to say is everyone is different and your sister wanting to go away and get married is her choice and i know its upsetting but you need to respect her and her boyfriends wishes.......?

K x

I can see that it might be unreasonable but she keeps saying about all the hassle it is to get married here.

I get im annoyed that im not being selfish in denying my parents the day that they want as well.

Perhaps I need to address that and think of myself and H2B.

I wpuldnt dream of running away to get married as its not fair on my parents - they've raised me and I know they'd be hurt if they didnt get to see it.

Perhaps its the old rivalry showing its head that she has no repsonsibility for family and treks off doing what she wants and becuase she doesnt I feel obliged to.

Not sure silly is what I would call it ...

Mr SP and I went abroad to get married on our own, and if anyone had voiced an opinion like yours I would have been incredibly peed off. Its a bit short sighted of you to think everyone must repay you in the future because you chose to include them in your wedding.

Sounds like you only asked her to be a BM for you as you think its the done thing, not because you really want her as a BM. Which in itself is a bit of shame.

Imagine how hurt your sister might be feeling after you voicing such a strong opinion about her own wedding day and somehow you've turned her wedding day into somethng about you! And its not even a reality - its a 'if'!!

Just let it go - souring your relationship with your sister over this is really not worth it. And don't bin her as your BM. That would just be selfish and somewhat cuttings ones nose off to spite ones face.

Sorry but i think you are being a bit childish

I think people make their own choices for their wedding day, just because you feel you have to include everyone doesnt mean she has to, and i certainly dont think that you should stop her being your bridesmaid. it sounds as if you resent her for her lack of "responsibility", she hasnt tried to push her opinions on you for your wedding day (from the sound of things anyway) so why should you? Im getting married abroad, and any family or friends that want to can come, maybe that is selfish but in my opinion my wedding day is mine and no one elses, im not getting married to please anyone but me and OH.

Exactly what December1984 said. You should have her as your bridesmaid because you want to involve her in your day and personally if it was me (I don't have a sister, but if it was one of my BMs) I would be genuinely happy for them to do whatever makes them happy regardless of whether I'm involved, as far as I'm concerned any of their prospective weddings are completely seperate to mine!

Plus she isn't even getting married yet - it's all a hypothetical situation at the moment and something you really don't need to be stressing yourself out with.

I know where you're coming from in the 'just because she's your sister you have to have her as a bridesmaid' thang , mine is exactly the same, she's been rubbish at the role, which I knew she would be , so I've got two girl ushers to help and basically do the BM role.... but I still wouldn't sack my sister just 'cos she's a bit useless... bless her. I do agree with what everyone else is saying and think you are being a bit silly, she has an idea on a her hypothetical wedding which you should respect, not everyones has to be the same and I say good on her for wanting what she wants and not doing what is "expected". Sacking her off at this stage is churlish and would reflect badly on you and create ill feeling and shadow your whole event... surely it's not worth that?

YABU and a bit petty if i'm being honest. your wedding, your way. and applying that to your sister (who isn't even engaged) her wedding, her way. it's your prerogative if you want to compromise what you *really* want in order to accommodate your family's and friend's wants and needs, and likewise it's hers to leave it all behind and go and do what she wants. to drop her as your bridesmaid just cos she won't be repaying the favour is a bit spiteful.

Yep i think your being silly!

Your sister isnt even engaged, who knows how she will feel when she is. When she is planning on getting married then she maybe her wedding plans will change!

I dont think you should even worry about something that isnt even happening

Hi Karen,

My three BMs are my cousin who is like a sister to me (very close) and my two best friends. Now my cousin is already married now but when/ if my two best friends get married I wouldn't automatically assume I was going to be a BM - it's their choice. If they want to swan off and get married in Outer Mongolia and have a llama as a witness then I'm not going to stop them.

I can understand you might be a bit miffed but how would you feel if people criticised your choice of wedding day? You're doing what you want and that doesn't suit everyone. By 'eck if everyone had exactly the same idea of a perfect wedding day this forum would be dull! Anyway at this stage if they aren't even engaged it's not worth falling out over or dropping her as a BM... even if she was engaged I wouldn't "sack" someone because they weren't returning the favour and having me as a BM.

HTH

Hi Karen. I sort of understand where you are coming from but I do think you've maybe put a bit too much thought into it!

My sis was my BM last year and she's getting married next February. She never asked me to be a BM - never even mentionned the subject to me. In fact it was a wee bit awkward when she was out with me and a friend and the friend asked "so is Penguin going to be your bridesmaid then" completely unprompted. Now had a very traditional wedding with 2 adult BM's and two kids - she is having a beach wedding in Thailand and has decided to just have one BM - her friend who lives in Australia. I have to admit my nose was a little out of joint when she hadn't thought to ask me in fact I was a little hurt if I'm honest.

Then I got a grip and thought of the old hitched mantra "Your Day Your Way" and gave myself a talking to! Who do I think I am presuming I'm going to be a BM?! Its her day and let her do what she wants. As it stands sis and her H2B have asked me and Mr P to do a reading - which I think is lovely and I'm dead chuffed.

Sacking her would be petty and stupid.

Perhaps rivalry wasnt the right word - I think resentment is.

resentment for the fact that I have to live close to my parents as without me they wouldnt have anyone.. resentment that she says she loves them and misses them but never makes an effort and if she really cared she'd see them or be part of their life.

She's very selfish with a twist of pretending to really care but obviously not enough to help looking after them. So I have to be the sensible daughter being there for them while she lives the life she wants.

then actually it's not about your wedding or her wedding, being a bridesmaid or not, it's about a whole load of other issues.

if you want to be (i still think) petty and spiteful and sack her from being bridesmaid, then do so. or you could just take the moral high ground, not care what she does with herself and her life and her wedding, and just get on with yours?

I think there are obviously much deeper issues here than her not returning the favour of bridesmaid! I think you really need to sit down with her and tell her how you feel, or just move on with it and understand that your different people and have different views and different lives.

I think I agee with what bluewater has said here.

Wow, yeah, seems like you have much more serious issues than just the bridesmaid thing.

Which makes me wonder why you asked her to be your bridesmaid in the first place?

I didnt ? it was assumed by my mum and my sister.

Ah I see. I guess that makes the whole situation that much more awkward.

So you didn't choose your sister as your BM but you think she should pick you because you're having her even though you didn't choose to have her?

I genuinely think you should speak to a professional about your issues with her (this is not meant to sound bitchy at all, so I'm really sorry if it's coming across this way). I just mean that your relationship with her is obviously having quite a profound effect on you and speaking to someone might help you to understand this better and work out what to do.

I can understand it to some extent as my brother didn't even invite me to his wedding, I didn't know anything about it until after he was married and we are actually very close. What you have to do is put themselves in their shoes, why do they want to go off and do it alone? For my brother it was because his wife HATES being the centre fo attention, she's very shy didn't want any fuss so they told nobody and just asked my mum and dad and her mum the night before and asked them to come and be witnesses.

I understand the reasons and it's fine, even though I deeply would have liked to have been there for them both and I was disapointed at the time.

So this isn't about a wedding or her being/not being your bridesmaid or her going off and getting wed when the time comes. This is a much bigger issue about you feeling she's stopping you from living your 'life' because she's not there supporting your parents or you?

Thats something that needs more than a BMs dress waved at it to make it OK... if you really resent her for living her life the way she wants to then thats a really indepth and personal issue you should try to resolve before it tears you to pieces. because it will. In just the couple of posts you've put on here since your OP its clear you are hurting a lot over her relationship with you and your family.

Do your parents need you to be 'there' over and above the normal daughter/parents relationship? Just trying to work out if they need support / assistance that she doesn't give in your view because you think she's off enjoying herself leaving you as the 'fence' for your parents to lean on. Or if its just a lack of her being around that pee's you off.

I kinda get how you feel now you've expanded more and I hope you didn't think my first post was too harsh but it did sound a bit petty until you told us more. My sister 'culled' my mum 5 years ago and my brother lives abroad so I am the only 'child' my mum has to support her (and she's not married/with anyone) so I know how it feels to be the main support. My mum has had a LOT of problems over the last 10 years which really hit an all time low last year and I had to cope with it on my own. My brother keeps in touch but with him hundreds of miles away I can feel quite isolated. Mum moved to scotland 2yrs ago to be closer to me which has made things easier as before I was having to deal with all sorts with her at the end of the phone 400miles away...

but it can be tough.

Sorry but what she wants to do when / if she gets married is nothing to do with you

You chose to ask her to be a bridesmaid, was this only because you were hoping to be one in return?

I went away and got married and I would have been really upset if my sister had reacted the way you are. It's her day and she can do whatever suits her, the same as you are !

So yes you are being very silly