Is this it?

Rubbish attempt at being anonymous. No career in MI5 for me! I forgot to set up an anonymous account....

Awww Erin sending you a massive hug. I don't know what to say to you really only you two can sort it out.

myself and OH have argued more though if that's any help over petty things too. It's stressful on both parties.

Oh by the way don't go into the private eye business you won't make any money. (Trying to lighten your mood a little).

Xxx

Oh Erin, I really feel for you.

Have you felt this way more recently? As in, has this only been happening because of the stress of a wedding? Do you think things will get better after the wedding?

You have almost described my relationship but you've cranked it up a notch. But as much as it might be sh i tty at times I know I love my OH more than anything & I'd be devastated to not be with him and there are amazing things on the flip side.

How do you feel when you imagine not being with him?

Have you told him how you feel? If you have, has he made any effort to try to help you out?

Sorry for the millions of questions but I know these are things I asked myself when my OH has been doing similar things and they helped me put it all in to perspective.

Sending you a weirdy Internet hug because I think you could really use one!!!!

While it seems a shame to end your MI5 career early, I feel it may be necessary!! On the more serious note, it does sound as if you need to sit down and have a real heart to heart about your expectations of each other. It may be simple thoughtlessness on his part. For some reason, men always seem to think their womenfolk require no rest and are capable of doing ten times our fair share of the work. I don't think you should rush into any major decisions just yet, but make some time to have a proper talk xxx

Don't worry about the anonymity (or lack of it) unless you think he might cyberstalk you.

I think what you're describing sounds like the classic 'rut'. You're working long hours (you've just retrained, new career, etc), he's feeling 'poor me', the nights are late, the time together is short. You start picking up on niggles and they seem to dominate your relationship.

You need to make time for each other. Can you sack off painting this weekend (what's the worse that could happen?) and go on a date? Get a bit merry and actually relax together, see where the night takes you. The lack of sex is just a result of the lack of closeness so don't focus on that as a primary problem - you'll get back on track as long as you make positive changes elsewhere.

Can I ask why you didn't take time off together over Christmas though? Did you have ANY time together? It seems odd that you take your first break for fifteen months at a time when he's working. It may seem to him as if you don't want to be with him.

I feel a bit ambivalent. Part of me feels sad and a part of me feels relief. Our relationship is wearing me down at the moment. We have had bad patches before but l have been less sick of it and frustrated.

I told him how l feel last night. He got annoyed l was angry and he made it clear he thinks l am expecting too much from him and l am demanding.

Unfortunately we have both re-trained so it has been a bit much on both sides. I regularly do long hours and he does intermittently.

I suggested we sacked off the painting the last weekend l was off and we did! I work every other weekend and we are running out of time to get the house less skanky before people stay with us. Great minds think a like -l have already arranged a cheapo date night on Saturday courtesy of some Pizza Express vouchers from Tesco club card.

I am a mental health nurse and we are not allowed to take leave at Christmas. I got the odd day off but that was it unfortunately. The week off was between finishing my old job and starting my new job. Unfortunately l couldn't pick when that was, the induction date was set by new company as they only have them once a month.

Sorry your feeling this way. Sending virtual hugs.

I agree with JoJo....i think we all have problems and im pretty sure the lack of housework on the male side is a common one in most households. However, your OH sounds ridiculously lazy and insensitive (he sounds like a child....what are you his mother?).

I would be especially worried about the fact you havent slept together for 10 months. I dont see how this would be wedding planning related.

When did you start planning the wedding? has this behaviour been an ongoing problem or did it come about when you started planning the wedding?Or much more recently?

I wouldnt get married with the hope that 'everything will be alright after the wedding'. Hope you figure it out ?

I get what you mean Jojo. It isn’t good when people think someone will change before they get married: they rarely do. I know his family won’t change, l avoid them as much as l can as it seems the smartest option. The dynamic is quite like my Dad’s family funnily enough.

He can be a bit of a spoilt child at times. I blame his mother. He is the favourite child and she spoils him rotten. When she sees him then she literally waits on him hand and foot despite him being 34….

His sisters and Dad are nice enough. His Mum and brother are total pains in the arse. Demanding, selfish and opinionated. I know his Mum doesn’t like me that much, l plus l am not Irish or Catholic enough apparently. Luckily they don’t live in this country. A few weeks ago his Mum announced they had booked flights to stay with us for 12 days. Only problem is we have other people staying and for about 8 days of it Mr Erin is going to be abroad for an important work course. She then goes into a mood about it and started sulking. I made the point to Mr Erin that maybe they should have spoken to us first. He won’t ever hear anything against her and jumped down my throat when l made that point.

In the past we have tended to go round in circles with these kind of issues. Mr Erin is quite fixed and rarely concedes him or his family have put a foot wrong. In contrast he is 1st to give me grief about things.

Yep that is totally the way it is. His mother has been a real cow numerous times – for example telling me my brother’s name with the title doctor sounds stupid (he has a PhD so can use the title doctor). Or when l started retraining to be a mental health nurse telling me l would never stick at is, l would hate it and quit straightaway. I tell Mr Erin, he tells me she was joking and l need to speak about his Mother more nicely?! Ironic as she is very humourless.

Good on Mr Jojo for winding his Mum’s neck in. You don’t need to listen to that especially from what you have said then his ex is far from amazing!

The not sleeping together thing is a habit l suppose. I do want sleep with him but he never seems that keen and do not see why it is always me who has to instigate it.

.

Don't worry about it. I am the girl who told her best friend to break off her engagement. To be fair she knew l was right (l think she just wanted someone else to say it as she had been thinking it), she broke it off and she has never looked back.

Obviously not so much at the moment but previously we had a laugh, he was affectionate, supportive and we enjoyed our time together.

First of all: ?

The run up to my wedding was hellish in a lot of ways, it all came to a head after the wedding and the night before we left for honeymoon we were in a hotel in Gatwick and I was genuinely torn as to whether to get on the plane or run away to a friend nearby. In the end I went, we have worked everything through since then and we are stronger than ever but please don't bury your head in the sand like I did, it won't get better on it's own.

It sounds to me like you really need to sit him down and lay your cards on the table that you are not happy. It's a question of whether you are both willing to put in the hard graft to rebuild your relationship, do you both want to fight for each other? Is he being so lazy and inconsiderate because he's stuck so deep in a rut, or is that just who he is?

For what it's worth, I would be absolutely furious if H didn't feed our cat just because I didn't specifically ask him to.

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way Erin. I don't have any better advice to add than what you've already got but I hope things work out for you - whatever way that takes you. ??

Firstly ?

Already some good advice given.

I met up with some friends at the weekend some of which I had not seen since our wedding so was met with the standard 'so how is married life treating you?' This question has made me realise that we have barely argued since the wedding. Looking back we seemed to be arguing almost on a daily in the run up to our wedding.

I never appreciated how much wedding planning had changed us with all the pressure and stress of planning and saving. I think footlong hit the nail on the head it is so easy to get stuck in a rut. You put your lives on hold with a single focus on your wedding day and almost end up wishing your life away to get down to your wedding day its easy forget to live and have fun in the mean time.

If I recall you moved quite recently too so the extra stress that goes with that and decorating your new home is probably adding to it.

I think some time out from wedding planning and housey stuff will do you both a world of good. Go have fun treat yourselves and don't feel guilty about spending money on you rather than the house/wedding.

If you couldn't afford pre wedding holiday I would suggest a weekend away even if it is just staying with friends together. I am sure it will both do you some good to get out the house together (so you don't have the hall that needs painting sitting like and elephant in the room etc)

xxx

Hey lovely. Didn't want to read and run but I'm on my phone so just checking in to give a virtual hug. I'll be back tomorrow with something more constructive hopefully! Really good advice so far xxx

I was going to suggest what funky said, why not have a bit of time away together. Why not put the wedding on the back burner and use some of the money to have a lovely holiday and spend some time together?

I think it is easy to get worn down by the daily crap especially when you feel like he's not pulling his weight. I too would be furious with his behaviour, you're partners you're not his mum!

I think you can only solve this by being brutally honest with each other.

First of all I want to send you a weird internet hug ((()))

Secondly, in some ways you are describing similar irritating traits in your OH as what my OH has. He works quite hard (about 30-40 hours a week) so definitely not as many as some people do and then comes home and plays our PS4 or his guitar for the rest of the day/night.

I am in my 3rd year of uni with only 3 months to so anyone who has done a degree will know how hard and stressful that is. But he seems to think his life is harder than mine, but I don't think that is true at all. I have the stress going round in my head 24/7 and have to do uni work 7 days a week. I also work part time (12 hours a week) but am absolutely 100% EXPECTED by him to do all the housework.

He has also on occasion 'forgotten' to feed our poor cats. And 'forgotten' to take the rubbish out, do some washing up, hoover the hall way...Just tiny things like that which I always have to do. The cat litter tray would never be cleaned if I didn't do it and the toilets wiould also never be cleaned if I didn't do it. Makes my blood boil.

I don't have any advice as such, if I did I would be able to take it! But I just wanted to give you some extra perspective...you are not alone....

Wedding planning is extremely stressful and has definitely added extra pressure on to everything else I am going through right now. It does cause arguments. The bit where you say about not sleeping together for almost a year worries me though. Despite everything OH and I will always make time for that! I hope a date night will help you out a bit. Let us know

Some great advice here. Sending a massive hug.

Your situation sounds so sad. Definately sounds like your OH is being a bit of a brat - does he expect you to treat him the way his mother does?

Obviously thats a totally different relationship dynamic and is not possible (not if yous want to have any respect for one another).

From what you have said I am getting the impression he feels you are not paying him enough attention - rightly or wrongly. Often life gets in the way of relationships and these stages do not reflect your entire relationship.

You sound stressed and I think you definately need a change of scene for a day or two - with or without your OH.

Whilst you can attempt to re-train a man, the chances are he wont change. There are numerous things I refuse to do in our house but there are others where its better for my own sanity and our relationship if I just 'do them' instead of losing my rag over them. I call it 'picking my battles' but obviously this cant apply to everything, thats a recipe for disaster. Who's cats are they? Yours, his or both? Im not picking holes but trying to explain. If he sees them as yours they really will just not even be on his radar - rightly or wrongly. PS I refuse to do dishes - Im the chef, so hes the dishwasher!

Hope you are feeling better today for writing everything down.

I'll openly admit to being rubbish about giving advice on this sort of thing so I am just sending hugs and this picture

Wow, you're pretty much describing a very similar relationship to mine and my ex. I put up with it for far too long before saying how I felt, Infact, I never did, I just ended the engagement and asked him to move out. It had got a to a point where we just didn't get on at all and I had no interest in saving what was there. I resented him.

I think you need to speak to him.

They are our cats and he absolutely loves them and they love him, he calls them his babies but then forgets to feed them!! Men eh? I do the cooking and then do the washing up straight after eating because I have actually tested him and left the washing up out and not done it (without us speaking about it) and after a day of it being sat there I couldn't take it anymore so did it. He definitely wouldn't do it unless I specifically told him to.

What does he say when you tell him any of this stuff? Have you had a serious heart-to-heart about any of it?

I think there's probably a few things at play here all at once. Break them down so you don't feel overwhelmed. I've been there, we always rowed constantly throughout our rship and engagement but after the wedding everything calmed down. In the run up I often wondered if I had cold feet as he was driving me mad. But it did all work out and obv for the best!

1. The wedding. You have plenty of time. I imagine most of the big things are organised anyway, so let it ride for a bit. Deal with it when you're ready. You can stop planning a bit, or even cancel last minute if you're not certain. Don't let one date dictate your lives at the moment. I know we certainly felt better when we had a few planning-free weeks.

2. The house. I get it. If people are coming, I want things looking nice, I can be a bit almost-OCD in my tidiness. It can sometimes be good to work on a problem together, equally. If you can't afford a date night, fair enough, have a 'house night' instead. Get the painting or cleaning done, but then have a floor picnic, or a movie night or whatever. You can still have fun even doing boring jobs. Or he does the painting when he's off, you do something else. Both do something, then neither of you feel like the other is taking advantage. I used to go crazy when H 'forgot' his jobs. When we first moved in we used to have a whiteboard marker up with things on that both of us needed to do. Now we don't need that anymore. If he forgets something I just do it, vice versa, and we sometimes tease each other after or sometimes it doesn't even need to be said. If it's really bugging me I just have to tell him straight up, rather than hinting which I was bad for. Maybe he felt like you were 'telling him off' about the paint buying or something, and so got defensive? It sounds odd but obv there's something just beyond the paint bugging him.

3. Sex or lack of. I read that woman need closeness to want sex; men need sex to feel close. It sounds like after so long you are trapped in a stalemate cycle where both of you feel rejected, so 'why should I...?' type of attitue is prevelant, rather than 'how can I help him/her...?' Resentment is chipping away at the both of you. One of you does need to break the cycle, I understand it shouldn't always be you, but maybe just try it one more time. If he rejects you, ask him outright what is going on. You can't work this out alone.

4. The cats. He's home, they're his pets too, he feeds them. He needs telling that this is a shared job and not up to you to remind him. On the other hand, they'll be OK, so don't go too mad unless it's verging on a cruelty thing. Ours would keep crying at him if they were really starving!

5. Communication. Using the chips as an example. Did you say to him 'I've got our food, come and eat while it's hot' or 'Can you keep me some chips wrapped up please, I'm not ready to eat yet' ? If not, try it. It sounds so basic but it really did help me and H if I just spelled things out (I sound like I'm treating him like a child, but somtimes his brain just goes that way!) I really don't mean to sound patronising to you and your OH, but my H can be a right doofus, unintentionally, and would just not think. It sounds like something he would do, putting my food out for me, because he would assume I would be coming to eat right away and he wouldn't think to ask. It's just a few missed sentences, but sounds like it got your night off to a bad start. Maybe that then affected your tone when you spoke about paint, leading him to his snappy answers etc.

I reckon when you get one of these things sorted the rest will follow. I hope I haven't come across as bossy or condescending, but I do honestly know what you'll be feeling like and some of these things were given to me from a couples counsellor we went to see as our communication had got so bad.

I'm afraid I'm crap at this sort of advice, especially as I'm very much one to bury my head in the sand. But these ladies have helped me tremendously through the bad patches I've had with H - and believe me I've had a lot - so I know their advice will help you too.

Sending big hugs. xx

Excellent advice already - esp the points PB has made. I also agree with what Funky has said about the wedding adding a lot of pressure - coupled with a move and two new jobs, that's quite a lot for any couple to deal with. Having a heart to heart about how you're feeling sounds like the best way forward. Sending big hugs your way

Glad to know it is not just me!

Why do men always think they have it hardest?!

The forgot excuse is classic! Maybe we both need to forget to cook dinner, forget to go shopping, forget to turn the washing machine on etc.

My H is very good at forgetting a lot of stuff. He used to forget to feed the hamsters when I was on nights, and his excuse was "you didn't ask!" Well no, but I'm out of the house from 7pm-9.30am, when exactly was I going to feed our nocturnal pets? So we came up with an agreement that I would feed them on every normal night unless I specifically asked him to, but he would always feed them when I was on nights without being asked. It worked for us.

He's far from perfect, there's loads of other stuff he'll forget, like putting his clean clothes away and then throwing dirty ones on top of them, but I've got better at communicating to him what needs to be done and when, and mostly he'll do it!

Thanks for all of your advice, suggestions and support everyone. Mr Erin has been going to work and then to classes for CIMA. The good news is we are both off Saturday and Sunday. We talked a bit last night but it was third as we were both tired and he got home late. He doesn't see why the things he does make me so angry or what they represent. We are going to try to have a proper chat over the weekend. A lot has happened in the past year -my Dad passing away, my new job, the move, stepping up the wedding planning etc. Mr Erin is a lot smarter than me but maybe l need to start explaining things in minute detail to him with no room for confusion like l would do to the cats or a small child... I try to pick my battles but there are so many! e.g. putting the rubbish out, washing up items properly (he thinks it's fine to not do the back of bowls and gets irritated when l complain about the crusty food dried to the back of it). I always cook so l have contemplated doing things in an equally slapdash way e.g. "forgetting" the meat or not cooking the potatoes.

The wedding is fairly under control at the mo. Plus things being the way they are then l am not really in the mood for thinking about it. I cancelled my wedding dress fitting today as l couldn't face it. I wish the cats did cry for food more but the older one is very quiet and the younger one rarely cries. I try to get him discuss things e.g. the painting to come to a joint plan but with varying degrees of success. From moaning to sulkiness to actual agreement.

I'm glad you've got your chat pencilled in erin. Hope it goes how you want it to

I don't really have much to add to the fantastic advice already given but I didn't want to read and run.

I hope that the chat goes well this weekend. xx