Is this odd, or have I lived a sheltered life? (poss sens)...

I agree with everything macca and others have said about the need to acknowledge a baby who was still born. i remember being a bit perturbed and shocked at an ex boyfriend's parents who had a picture of their still born grand daughter in their living room. but i was younger then and didn't know anyone who'd lost a child in these circumstances as sadly i do now. which is why when i saw a picture of my friend's baby in her living room i didn't find it unusual or shocking or scary.

however i still find the idea of the tshirt in a supermarket thing surprising. while i fully support people wanting the world to acknowledge the child they lost, i find this method in doing rather insensitive. there could be people in the same situation shopping there who haven't yet fully come to terms with their grief who would find that picture terribly upsetting.

it's a reasonably common thought on here that the fetus tickers on BT are insensitive, so i'm surprised that people stating they wouldn't like to see this picture are deemed are peculiar and unfeeling in some way, especially as it's totally without warning.

I'm really not sure anyone has said that on here, have they? My reading of the thread is that it's certainly a peculiar thing to do, to wear that t-shirt outside a charity event perhaps - but then it sort of went off on a tangent about babyloss specifically, not saying that the t-shirt wouldn't be upsetting to see or that people who didn't want to look at pictures of stillborn babies were unfeeling. I wouldn't want to be confronted with that t-shirt out of the blue.

Lumpy ? you're absolutely right that everyone reacts differently, and of course other types of bereavement are just as terrible. Again, I don't think anyone would wish to imply otherwise.

I'm having a bit of a wibbly day today, so I'll be brief (as brief as I can anyway!) in my response, and perhaps come back to this when I'm feeling stronger, if its still going.

I have just reread my initial response, and it seems I missed of part of TF's quote I had intended to include - the part about finding the tshirt odd. I agree that it is a rather odd, and perhaps insensitive/confrontational thing to do; I can understand that its not an image one would want to have thrust upon them without warning. R-A is correct that there are certainly some images which are far less unsettling than others. However a) it now appears that the tshirt was due to a charity event; and b) everyone grieves very differently. Interestingly, being confronted by this kind of image shortly after losing my son would not have upset me further, rather I wouldn't have felt so alone in my grief. I understand though that there are those for whom being confronted with an image like this would have compounded their grief.

In that respect I agree that the tshirt worn in public leans more towards the odd and insensitive; but I stand by my outrage at Champagne's disgust re: the picture in her FIL's home. Its his home, to suggest he not display the picture is insensitive in the extreme; and even if MIL has an issue with it, thats between them to sort out. My aunt is still devastated that my uncle would not allow her to see or hold their stillborn son, she was not allowed to attend his funeral, and he won't allow any pictures in the house either. Very sad, but something decided between them.

Oooh la la, thank you for your donation; and please don't feel under any pressure to donate further. Every penny counts, and more importantly, the awreness raised will hopefully encourage others to get involved as well. ?

Lumpy, I'm so sorry about your Mum.? I dread losing mine, I can't imagine how hard it is. I certainly didn't mean to imply that other types of loss weren't as awful; of course they are; I apologise if that is what came across from my post, it certainly wasn't intentional. I just wanted to comment on this point,

and explain/clarify that, its not so much about people not knowing what to say, as it is their complete failure to acknowledge my son even existed. I'm phrasing this as sensitively as I can do, and apologise if its not sensitive enough and causes hurt, but I doubt that anyone who loses a parent, or partner, or sibling....has had to cope with having their loved ones' very existence ignored. Plenty of people didn't know what to say to me after I lost my son; several more said 'the wrong thing'; but it is those who act as though I have only ever had two children that have caused the most pain. Try to imagine, that you not only had to cope with the pain of losing your mum, but that everyone around you, acted as though she'd never even been there....?

I completely agree with you that there is not a 'one size fits all' approach to grieving; and that people handle things very differently. Unfortunately, as I said earlier, with the UK's 'stiff upper lip' mentality, the most common 'one size' approach is that these things are not to be spoken of and until such time as there is more balance in the approach, I will continue to encourage discussion around the subject, and educate those who have no knowledge of stillbirths, and help give a voice to those who have been silenced by the culture of "Get over it and don't talk about it" in this country.

Hyacinth, there is a link from the Sands website that leads to the Why17 website and details the purposes of the campaign in depth.

Our friends daughter was still born just over a year ago. I constantly struggle to know how to acknowledge and talk about their little girl without saying the wrong thing. However, I am aware that mentioning her doesn't make it any less real, so I'm not shy when she is mentioned to talk about her. Last Christmas I addressed the card to all of the family and write at the end 'thinking of Kathrin'. I hope that struck the right balance, but in honesty, I don't know. They are very dear friends, I wish I could take just an ounce of their pain away, but I can't.

We do all deal with grief so differently. After my dad died I hated the way that people would steer the subject so obviously away from my dad, and even seemed uncomfortable if I talked about him. Talking about him (generally, not actually about him dying) was what I needed, it kept his memory close.

The lady in the supermarket? Charity event or no it is her right to wear it. I would imagine that it made some people mightly uncomfortable. If I had seen her I would have gone home feeling incredibly sad for her. But at least I'd forget about it by the end of the day. She won't.

Could it be that perhaps today she was feeling particularly low and felt the need to acknowledge her baby in some way.

i am fortunate enough never to have lost a baby but i can say in all honesty, that i am unsure how i would deal with it. some people may not be able to speak about their baby, others may want everyone to know. Some of the BTers who have lost children have shared their photos and birth stories with us and have said that it helps just to acknowledge the child as people close to them tend to avoid the subject.

I think I would have been shocked by the T-shirt but equally saddened that someone has had to have it printed in the first place. I've looked at photos of BTers lost children in the past, most recently ATGs gorgeous little Thomas, but I did have to work myself up to opening the photos and prepare myself, so I can see why being confronted with the sight of a stillborn child at the supermarket could be highly upsetting for some people.

On the other hand I think parents are entitled to remember their child anyway they see fit and in any way which brings them comfort. My PIL have photos of their little boy in their house, as its the only memories they have of him and I actually love looking at the photos, that is my baby's uncle and the BIL I never got to meet. My MIL struggles to talk about her boy, but occasionally she will start talking about him and I think it does her good to remember him. I toasted him at our wedding and she was overwhelmed that I wanted to acknowldege him on the day.

Has no-one thought that she could have been somewhere today like a fundraiser for a charity for those experiencing a still birth or neonatal death and then gone straight to the supermarket?

I'm usually on the baby talk board but was a bit bored so wandered over here. They recently had a fundraiser to raise money for the charity called SANDS.

Actually, yes, this was mentioned ages ago on the thread and it's been established that it was ?

Oops that'll teach me to reply so late!! ?