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Beginner December 2015

issues issues issues

HappyGoldDiamonds245, 7 March, 2015 at 12:17 Posted on Planning 0 5

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We got engaged at Xmas and have planned a lot venue, dress, bridesmaids dress, photobooth!

Having a bit of a stress....It seems the planning of the whole wedding is so stressful, I usually love planning but really hating this...

Few things have happened:-

BRIDESMAID who has been close friends with for 10 years, we were really close and went out a lot as couples however she left her partner last year and moved on with someone else within weeks. We met him and all was fine. We were friends with her ex still who is a great guy, my fiance asked him to be best man. We discussed this before they split but didn't expect him to ask him without talking first. But as he didn't say who I could have as bridesmaid I felt I couldn't say who he could have as best man! (I have a bigger family and more friends at wedding anyway). I told bridesmaid face to face the next day and she was upset but said it was our day and she understood. After that she ignored all texts etc and never turned up to dress shopping so I txt her and said we chose bridesmaids dress without her and I had 60 days to return it. No reply so returned it this week. She is really stubborn so I have accepted she won't be at wedding.

Mom - not had a great relationship with her since 2011 when parents divorced but felt we was getting on better over Xmas and engagement. Mid Jan she saw draft guest list and immediately kicked off that her 2 sisters weren't invited. I have probably only seen them twice in last 6 years, we don't talk and at a family wedding in 2014 they hardly uttered two words! Growing up I always had a wedding fund and when they divorced they promised half each, she said she wasn't prepared to pay for my dad's family etc etc....I said we'll the venue is v small cost etc so her money can buy dress etc. She kicked off, bringing up the last and we've hardly spoke since! I felt she was backing me into a corner to say don't come so that it was easier on her but I have told her I won't do that and it's her decision if she comes or not however I expect her to behave herself! I am worried she won't but I have enough close friends that will watch her...

My other half seems stressed out, especially as he feels bridesmaid issue is his fault. He tried texting her but she just sent ranting message back!!

I just feel like it's all so stressful, I love the venue and my oher two bridesmaids, sister and my friend are great and feel my mom issue / other bridesmaids issue are not my problem to worry about. It just seems to have taken fun out of planning!

Also feel like we have done so much already that I don't know what to do next! Wedding is in December!

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5 replies

Latest activity by AuntieBJ, 7 March, 2015 at 18:48

Beginner February 2016
Mosiedose · 7 March, 2015 at 13:18
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Blimey I got engaged in November and we haven't even set a date yet - can you plan my wedding for me???

Re the bridesmaid - when did she and the best man split? Is it a bit raw (I appreciate she ended it but she might still feel awkward around him). I don't think that's an excuse for her not replying to you though, these are her issues, not yours or your fiance's.

I'm lucky - my parents had not spoken since they split when I was 8 (30 years ago) save for around the divorce which wasn't pleasant but my younger brother married last year so they had to see each other then.

It's your day. Yours and your fiance's. My aunts were cross they were not invited to my brother's wedding and they are about to be disappointed as they are not coming to mine. People get over these things I believe. It sounds as though you have some really good people around you anyway so I hope they can help you focus on all the good things - not least how much you have already done! I totally agree that the problems with the bridesmaid and your mum are their issues, not yours. Maybe just give them space, crack on with your planning and maybe they will have calmed down in a month or two?

Mxx
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Beginner December 2015
HappyGoldDiamonds245 · 7 March, 2015 at 13:52
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Yes I hope so. They split last summer however they seem friendly enough when handing children over etc but appreciate it will be difficult for her on the day but it is just one day!!

I stick by our decision not to invite mom's sisters, happy they come on the night if they like but not day due to only small numbers (and cost!)

I Do love planning so happy to help ha
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Beginner June 2016
Miss-KEM · 7 March, 2015 at 15:13
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This should be a happy time for you and i don't think your friend and mum should be making this difficult for you.

It's your wedding day so your choice who you do/do not invite.

Your friend should have the decency to text you and say she no longer wants to be bridesmaid if this is the case. Also she should not rant to your OH when he is only trying to help. To be honest your probably better off without her if that's how she treats you.

Good luck with your planning. Try to surround yourself with your positive friends and family and enjoy every second of planning your special day.
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Beginner December 2015
HappyGoldDiamonds245 · 7 March, 2015 at 16:20
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Thank you for your wise words of wisdom! My sister and friend both are bridesmaids say the same thing! Family politics eh!!
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Beginner March 2015
Sums2b · 7 March, 2015 at 18:29
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Sounds very stressful, I really feel for you.

I understand why your friend might be upset but it is not your fault and she shouldn't be casting a shadow over your preparations or making you feel bad. My guess is that she feels her ex has done something wrong and caused her to leave him and she feels it is unfair he is still friendly with you and OH- but as she doesn't seem to have said this, you can hard,y be expected to know or act on it!

As for your mum, you have done your best and hopefully she will come round. I am sure she will behave on the day- she won't want to look bad or petty.

Ty to focus on the good stuff and maybe give yourself a little wedding related project to focus on (for me, it was favours which kept me interested and they aren't very stressful!) and spend time with the people who rejoice with you and want good things for you x
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Beginner September 2014
AuntieBJ · 7 March, 2015 at 18:48
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First of all, the problem with text messages is that they are easy to both ignore and misinterpret. My suggestion would be to give your bm a ring or go and see her. Have a good old-fashioned heart to heart with her and see if you can work it out. You need to stress how much you want her as your bm and that you understand how difficult this situation is for her. Your OH needs to stay out of it I'm afraid - he has caused the issue, even though he didn't mean to and I don't blame him - it's his right to have whoever he wants as his best man, but she will see him as the problem I'm afraid.

As to Mum, I would let this one go. Again, I can understand why she doesn't want to pay for your Dad's side of the family - I would feel the same way if it was my daughter. Having said that, I think you came up with a great compromise so I would leave her to it now - she will either get over it and behave or she won't and there really isn't much you can do about it.

The only real suggestion I have is that you attempt to build a relationship with ehr that is perhaps a little closer than it has been - invite her to come dress shopping with you, talk hair and make-up with her and ask for her help wherever you can. Most mums just want to feel needed ?
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