It all seems to be falling apart

I'm sorry to read this and I am sorry for your loss.

It sounds that in addition to your grief for your mum it sounds you are carrying some resentment to your dad and new wife and your posts suggests that maybe you feel your dad remarried too soon after your mums passing.

It is difficult losing a loved one and we all deal with loss in different ways so try to see how your dad might have been feeling maybe his way of dealing with grief is just getting on with his life (maybe he even feels that is what your mum would have wanted) this should not take away the love he shared for your mum and try not to feel like this in anyway disrespects her memory as I am sure that was not your fathers intentions.

I know it probably feels like your fathers new wife is a poor replacement for your mum but you should not to view her as a replacement. (I am sure she is not even trying to be) or that she is trying to steal your dad away from you, but it is unfair to make him pick sides when both sides are people he loves most in the world.

I have similar issues with my family and although my mum is still alive but she has mental health issues so my dad has moved on and has a new 'lady friend' (LF). My sister could have written a very similar post to yours about how she feels about the situation have only met her on a couple of occasions.

I on the other hand see my dad as a much happier person trying to get on with his life and find his LF very pleasant I don't see her trying to replace my mum as my sister might suggest or a money grabber, it makes me happy because my Dad is happy, I view their relationship with non bias or preconceived ideals and I think this is key if you wish to maintain a relationship with your dad in the future.

I hope you can work through this and build bridges with your Dad AND his wife.

Have you considered having some counselling to help work through some of these matters?

Hi busy bride 2013

Also so sorry your having such a hard time during what you should be looking back on as the happiest time of your life!

Yes your dad has a new wife who I'm sure he loves but at the end of the day he has known her what 3 years? You don't mention siblings in your post so I'm guessing that you are his only child, whom he has known all your life, you have lost your mummy & that is going to be a huge thing alone for you to cope with on your wedding day with out your father being (sorry if you think I'm being harsh here) pathetic & letting you go through it alone!

My h2b has a wee girl & I would never dream of coming between the 2 of them & I know he would never let me put him in that position so I suggest writing to your dad, that way you get all your feelings out without him being able to interrupt & you getting too emotional to say it all & basically tell him how hard he is making an already difficult situation, remind him how your possibly the only child he will walk down the aisle & see get married, remind him that your not going to have your mum there & you would have thought he'd have never thought twice about letting you go through it alone and basically to grow a set (again sorry for the bluntness) and man up!

Does he want to miss out on the rest of your life& potential grandchildren?

Best of luck busy bride 2013 xx

Hi Busybride 2013,

I am so sad to read this! I am so sorry you lost your mum so young, I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling.

In regard to your step mum, excuse me but what a total cow b@~#h !!!!! As for your dad maybe she makes his life hell and if he doesn't do what she says then the consequences are awful. HOWEVER I would speak to him calmly, if you can't do that write a letter! Explain to him that your finding it really difficult knowing your mum wont be there (although I am sure she will be there in spirit!) and that you thought !!!

It sounds as if his wife is totally jealous and perhaps is threatened by the fact your mum didn't choose to leave him. She must of been angry that you didn't go to the wedding ceremony and is possibly punishing you for it now! Regardless of her 'reasoning' as to why she is being so manipulative I would cast her opinion aside and make sure you get through to your dad! Do not let her ruin this for you! Do not let her rip you both apart and certainly do not let her succeed! Your dad is probably confused, she may have said she will leave him etc! He must know you have a caring husband to be and that he will look after you. He probably see's it as your a big girl now and don't need him so after you've 'gone' and being cared for by someone what's he left with!

Try and work it out! Just remember to be the bigger person, it seems his wife is a manipulative lying cow ! Don't stoop to her level, don't even bring her into it! Just make sure that your father knows how much you need him there.

I am sure it will all come good!

xxx

Although I know it hurts, pick yourself up and think if he doesn't care so much why do you?! I'd give him an ultimatum and say "I'd love you to walk me down the aisle, will you do it or not?" Do you have someone else lined up if your dad doesn't?

dontvwaste your precious time and tears over people like that. If he's that blind to see what his wife is doing then leave him to it. Know in your heart should he ever need you you'll be there but until that do what's best for you.

xxx

Your distress is palpable thorugh your post. I am so sorry that you are so sad and that these terrible things have been said.

I think though, that you will have to come to terms that this woman is important to your Father: she is his wife now. It doesn't actually matter whether she perceives you are unreasonable and vice versa. In this situation what counts is that she has the right to expact him to side with her in family disagreements, just as you have the right to expect your Fiance to side with you in arguments with his sister/mother.

Don't make him choose. He's your Dad and he loves you of course but as you are an adult his duty lies to his wife. This issue has the possibility to fill your lives for the next 30 odd years so please do what you can to sort it out now. You have to let some of this go for your own sanity.

Whether or not they spend all your dad's money is their business. How quickly they fell in love after your Mother's death is their business. You don't have to like it, but you must allow yourself to let your Father make his own decisions and resist making your disapproval so plain. He is happy with her and all you can do is be glad because of that and let the other stuff go..for all of your sakes. I know it iwill be hard, but you can't allow yourself to be eaten up by this.

To the wedding: You want your Father to be there and he wants to be there. You were the one who raised the 'if she says you can't come' issue. Don't give her reason to do that. Weddings are such an emotional time, but maybe you could use this as an opportunity to build bridges that will last for the rest of your lives. You don't have to be be best friends, but learn to respect her as your Father's partner.

Good luck however you decide to proceed. x

Don't make your dad choose between you, however resentful you are feeling. That's a sure way to push him away. Keep showing him love and be polite and as nice as you can be to his wife.

Also everything Funky said.

So so sorry for everything you are going through..........

I do agree with what the others have said though. I have been in a similar situation in my teens when my mom met and married a man whom I detested (probably due to the fact that my dad was never around and last time I saw him I was 8). At a point in my life when I needed her most she was so wrapped up in him and our relationship was so bad that as soon as I turned 16 I left home.

Im 42 now and have built the bridges with my mom, her husband is now an ex but I just tolerated him whilst he was around, didn't like him, never will but he was unimportant in the scale of things.

You need your dad, do not cut off your relationship with him. Whether his wife is a cow, jealous of your relationship she is not the important one. Your dad probably needs you as much as you need him.

I would suggest getting in touch with him, and sitting down with both of them, without arguing, and explain calmly how you feel and then ask that you all forget the past and concentrate on the future.

You don't have to like her or love her but maybe if you can both get your issues out the way it will mean that you and your dad will stay close

Good luck, I hope it all works out xx

I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

What a horrible suituation.

I hope it works out xx

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, I cant imagine how you are feeling.

What other have said is true, dont let her ruin your relationship with your dad. Im sure deep down he knows what the right thing to do is, at the end of the day you are his daughter and nothing or noone will change that.

I hope you find a way forward soon xx

Honest opinion...sounds like she is a manipulative, jealous.....(bad word I can't type on here!)!

She has hardly spoken to your OH yet she feels she can slag him off....that is unacceptable and disrespectful...tell her so!

It is devastating enough not to have your mum there, your Dad should (for want of a more tasteful phrase) GROW A PAIR and tell his wife you are his daughter and he is going to your wedding because it only happens once!!

If he doesn't...I know it hurts but you deserve better on your day so find somebody else to have the honour of giving you away.

Massive hugs x x x