It never ends & I don't ever think it will - Update page 4

It's absolutely heartbreaking to read KB3, I hope you can make this a permanent set-up because it really doesn't sound like their mother is willing to take the steps necessary to make their home life peaceful.

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How incredibly stressful for those poor girls and also for you ?

L
xx

Your doing the right thing getting them out of there , there has been a terrible incident in our town last week between a step dad and 2 teenagers one died and the other one survived

no child should not feel safe in their own home

have a huge hug ?

also make sure she is not going to fight to get them back for the money side of it as once you get the child benefit and things her money will stop and she may use this to fight for them , make sure she is fighting to get them back for the right reasons

if they are living with you i think you should have the benefits not her , have you got a residency order or anything ?

I'm so glad to hear yo uall agree we are doing the right thing. Sometimes I question are we being too blinkered when it comes to the ex and her life?

Cariad - we have a Shared residency order at the moment. This was granted in 2007. We agreed we wouldn't pay child maintenance and she'd recieved the child benefit. When it all kicked off last October we asked for one lot of child benefit to be put into MrKB's name to help us out with clamiing extra benefits. She refused as she needs it to survive. So without a doubt the kids are money making machines to her and we will have a fight on our hands.

KB3, i haven't replied on your threads before, but i have read them and really feel for you all, especially for those 2 children!

I know it's going to be hard but i really do think you're doing the right thing! - you're trying to provide a safe, happy home for the children to live in and i have nothing but praise and respect for you!

Please don't give up and all keep strong together, those children aren't happy with the ex and her git of a boyfriend and they are with you!

huge hugs to you!

Oh mate, it sounds horrendous. I'm shocked that a mother would allow a child to have no dinner, no breakfast and sent to school without food. There's punishment and there's just downright cruelty!! I have no idea about the legalities of children and benefits but can offer big hugs and sympathy. ?

I hope you can get it sorted out soon.

If you have a residency order i would be down the benefits office with it now and let her fight it after , hopefuly she will have the sense to stop cashing it , get the children sorted in a school near you asap and move on as if they are not going back this time

from what i have read before you will have a fight on your hands but i think you and your H are more than capable of fighting back and winning especially if the girls dont want to go back and they have a steady home life with you

I may be suggesting something you have already tried, I don't come on here very often recently although I have read some of your posts before about your problems with the ex etc. I don't know about the CAB in your locality but here they are immensely helpful with anything to do with claiming benefits, legal stuff etc and should be able to advise you about where you stand with getting the Child Benefit transferred to your H and claiming any other benefits you may be entitled to. Also, our local CAB have a bank of solicitors who come on a certain evening and give half hour free advice to people - maybe yours does the same?

I also think you are doing the right thing, I have seen with my own children how they can be affected by problems with the ex and it is heartbreaking to see and to hear the things they say, children that age shouldn't have to go through these things, they deserve a happy settled childhood which is what you are trying to give them. Good luck!

Edited for stupid typos

Goodness what a nightmare. I think you are doing the right thing. Hopefully if the move in with your becomes more long term, changing schools and getting some financial help will make things easier on the practical side. Is there any way you could negotiate with ex that if you receive the child benefit you can pass some back to her/make sure she doesn't have to pay anything for the kids when they're with her to keep her more on side financially if necessary?

The girls sound like they are great and I think it's fab that you both care for them so much. They are lucky to have someone like you and I'm sure they appreciate it, even more so down the line as they get older and look back on this ?

Men are rarely recognised as an equal parent. The government and DWP only give out tax credits and WTC to the person in receipt of the child benefit. We could have the children living with us for their whole life but withut the CB book we can claim nothing. So we need to get the CB book - even just for one of them. How do we do this? We need to prove the girls live with us full time and the current receiver needs to agree that the girls live with us full time. See the problem?

It's going to take months, hell years even but we are not giving up this time. She has had too many chances.

Oh god KB3, I am filling up just reading that.

I have no advice for you, but I am just happy that those little girls have a stepmother like you that cares so much. I hope that everything works out for all of you.

Iirc is there not another child as well? Is he/she ok or is it different because he/she is biologically his?

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That's right. She has a two year old son with him. I wouldn't go as far as saying he was treated any better. The girls have told us many a time that the boyfriend smacks the son so hard he leaves a hand print on his leg. He is locked in his bedroom for screaming and being naughty and is generally an unruly child. According to the mother "boys are hard work" ☹️

Goodness, that is awful. Those poor children.

Oh lovely, that sounds horrendous! What he's doing, and the mum to some extent by condoning it, is child abuse. Pure and simple.

Your poor girls, you are absolutely doing the right thing, you are taking them somewhere they are safe and loved. I'm always in awe of the way you talk about the girls, it's so obvious you love them dearly and thank God for you and your H.

I only wish they didn't have to go through what they are with their real 'mum'.

Take care, you know where we are ?

I do HH. We had big cuddles last night, teary ones but I told them how much I love them, how I mean it it's not just words and I'd do anything for them. They said they know.

Sorry to hear your friend is going through something similar. I'd recommend he join Families need fathers for some support and to dicth the soliciotrs.

We have a shared res order in place already and have been through the whole court process & CAFCASS before so know what to expect. We're taking it one day at a time but have the court forms in place already. My husband represents himself in court with the help of a mckenzie friend.

KB, you're amazing. ?

My child benefit is paid into my bank account each month. There was a form to fill in when we registered their births and it was all sorted out from there. I have no idea how you go about changing it, but you must be able to. Good luck xx

Thanks for the support everyone. Hitched rocks!

KB3, I don't how this would work in your situation, but Mr Hole was claiming the child benefit for the children and it went into the joint bank account. We decided that it made more sense for me to have it in my personal account and had to fill in a form from the Child Benefit people signing the claim over to me.

As I said, I don't know how it would work for you guys, but I'm pretty sure she'd need to sign it over to you. Which I'm guessing would not be as easy as it sounds.

i was just going to post this. I used to have a book for number one child - think those days are long gone tho.

I agree with sorting the residency thing first then fighting for the CB etc later.....good luck and thank god the girls have got you to love them and to support their father in caring for them - am welling up about their brother who has no one to fight his corner tho - horrid as it would seem, would it be worth taking to the NSPCC or social services or someone about the way he is treated? Just thinking that he is very young and vulnerable - even tho i know that you have enuf on your plate with the girls etc

? I think about you and yours often in a non stalkery way....

Bloody hell, what a nightmare for them, and you ?. Have Social Services got involved at all? There have been some issues with H's 2 children and their Step Dad; the 10 year old got upset at school and was nearly hysterical-the school contacted Social Services pretty much straight away. Apparently G's been getting a bit gobby and the step dad has started pushing/shoving/dragging him out of the room and upstairs/into the kitchen, 'playfully' punching him (but he said it hurts and he doesn't like it). SS knew about this before we did (we see them every weekend and they're very wary of saying anything as their mom kicks off/pulls the guilt card). A SW visited his school, the 12 year old at home and spoke to the S-dad and ex. She made them aware in no uncertain terms that what he was doing was unnacceptable and that she would be monitoring them and the children.

It was great that this happened as it meant there was no nastiness/blame put our way, which usually happens and is why they rarely tell us anything that has gone on.

I think you're doing a fantastic thing, I really hope you manage to get a resolution with the CB and can begin to make this a permanent move ?

Oh those poor girls, and that poor little boy. as HH said, it's child abuse. you are WITHOUT DOUBT doing the right thing, you sound like an amazing woman and i'm so pleased those children have you in their lives.

my CB goes straight into my account too, there must be a way of changing it but i'm afraid i don't know exactly how.

huge ?. you are right, she's had enouhg chances. this has to end now for the sake of those little girls.

Again thank you all for your kind words and advice.

We will def be ging for residency and getting the girls settled before even thinking about the financial side of things, but I'm trying to gather as much info and research as possible.

The eldest was very distraight at school yesterday and their in-house Family Liason Officer spoke with her and made a note on file about why she was upset. MrKB is giong to try andmeet with her today and have a chat.

We are wary of SS getting involved as we know too many fathers who called SS and then the children were taken away as they believe mum. Let's be honest SS don't exactly have great press right now either!

However, we will mention the younger brother on all paperwork as you have to be honest about violence in the home. I just hope the girls find the strength to be honest and open with CAFCASS if and when they become involved again.

I feel sick reading that - have the girls passed on that info to anyone who can deal with it?

That's definitely a good idea. H went to see G's headmistress after all this kicked off, they'd got notes on all sorts of we'd raised as a concern with the ex (he has weekend's when his hands are permanently shaking, some weekends he won't eat, others he cries at the drop of a hat) anythime we'd mentioned these things to the ex she dismissed them with "well, he's never like it here" yet the headmistress agreed they were concerns. If the school are concerned enough, they'll contact SS.

KB, you're such a darling amd thank goodness those girls have you as a positive female role model. It's impossible to advise completely being and utsider and, of course, not hearing the mother's side of the story, but it does sound like she's under the spell of a charismatic and possibly dangerous partner. I have a friend who is a really strong character, switched on and self-assuerd, but who became a bewitched doormat when she hooked up with a devastatingly charming and goodlooking guitarist, who unfortunately had an addiction to cocaine and who, even more unfortunately, was a complete prick when he had taken the stuff (which was pretty much all the time). She has changed beyond all recognition and if he said 'jump!' she really would say 'how high?'. There's nothing we can do to make her see sense and she will either have a road to damascus revelation or she won't- our influence is ineffective and unwanted. The complete difference with taht scenario, however, is that as yet this couple have no children and therefore nobody else is getting hurt. Maybe a break from the kids will give her the boot up the arse that she needs, but i htink you and Mrkb should seriously consider applying for sole residency. Not only will you get the financial support tath you need but it will provide the stability that these girls need (esp at their age- the poor poor loves). ?

In the meantime, I agree with La psycho about talking to your cafcass officer and your solicitor. What do the girls feel about moving school? this would be a big disruption but if it helps them make a fresh start and if it eases the burden on you and mrkb (and in turn frees up time and cash which can only be good for teh girls) then it's got to eb a serious option. You will of course need her consent or a court order in order to change their school.

Keep strong KB, you really are an inspiration. ?

I doubt it as until now they've been scared to say anything as they don't want to upset mum. I think eldest has now woken up and realised mum has hurt them too many times, they need to stick up for themselves and thankfully being 12 she's at an age where she can be heard.

The son is in nursery so I'm sure they are aware of any bruises or marks on his body.

Oh and the boyfriend has another son from a previous relationship who is meant to visit every other weekend. only he chooses not to because he hates being with his dad. What does that tell you!

☹️ The problem is I guess that most 2 year olds have quite a lot of bruises and bumps anyway - I know mine does - and smacks like that won't leave marks after the initial redness. Not to mention the mental damage.☹️

Horrible situation - I hope the girls find the courage to speak out for themselves and their brother.

I haven't really got any advice to give, you and Mr KB3 are being very strong for the girls, tehey know you are both there for them and that must be a huge thing for them at the moment. ?

Would we really? He has PR and a SHARED res order in place already - surely that would be enough re the changing of school? Mum has changed their school 3 or 4 times in the past without dads permission.
When this happened back in Oct the youngest didn't want to change school. However talking to her last night and again this morning about how serious this is, how it's not a 2 week holiday from mum and when she cries down the phone because she misses you, you can't go running back. We also talked about the possibility of changing schools. Youngest wasn't happy about it but it would make our lives easier and she understands that.
The eldest is in a good school where she is happy so we wouldn't change hers (not that we'd be able to anyway after the saga that we had getting her a secondary school place!) but she'd be having to get the bus eventually rather than a lift from dad. That's pretty normal for a teenager.

KB, you are really amazing. Those girls are so lucky to have you.

I can't believe how awful their mother is being, it's so sad. I am really worried about the her son, will he be ok with the girls not being there?

I wish you all the best darling ?

Thanks Sparks.
The girls are only there 50% of the time as it stands and it's not as if they could do anything anyway.