I've made a mistake haven't I

What a fucking nobber he is. Is there anyone closeby you could go and stay with to get away for a while? Does he suspect anything is wrong?

You are not a stupid. He is the one who is stupid. You may not be taking the best course of action now, but that doesn't make you stupid, it makes you human.

What do you want to happen here? Can you forgive him, even if he hasn't physically cheated? I think it would probably be better if you stopped emailing him now, though, and think about what you want to do next. ?

Hugs to you xx

Confront him and chuck him out..

I can go stay with a friend for a few nights, but if i'm not at home it gives him the opportunity to go out and meet someone.

I dont think he suspects anything is wrong, we are just carrying on as normal. I'm trying to be less clingy.

We did have a huge fall out a couple months back and he was going to move out but we decided it was worth it to try again, now i'm begining to wonder if it is just comfort for him.

☹️

Oh BB, I'm so sorry that this is how it turned out. But you really need to take some decisive action. If you've got somewhere you can go, could you pack a bag and leave, leaving a print out of the emails on the table so he knows why you've gone? It's less full on confrontational than saying it to his face, but on the down side it gives him a chance to come up with a story (not that much would be good enough to explain this IMHO).

You're not happy now, are you? At least once it's out in the open he can decide whether he wants to fight for your marriage and you can decide too. Plenty of hitchers have been through similar and lived to tell the tale, but I really feel you need to get yourself some space to think about this. Hope you're OK.

Sounds like he is having his cake and eating it. He can't afford to go it alone, he probably likes being looked after by you, but he still wants the single life. Let him have it.

I know you may think that it is easy for others to say that but if I were in your situation I would 100% be out of there, hard as it may be. Do you want to feel like this for months maybe years to come? Move on and be happy ?

I think I would do what BB did. i would then arrange to meet him and chuck every last posession of his at him and dump the fucker.

You deserve more than this BB and you know it. No man (or woman) should make you feel like cr@p in a relationship.

Rationally thinking, confront him sooner rather than later as the hurt will eat you up inside. Remember - YOU have done nothing wrong.

?

I think you just hit the nail on the head Mal .

Im so confused, I dont want to end it I honestly dont think I could cope on my own.

Oh honey. You can't be with him 24/7, if he's going to play about he's going to do it regardless if whether you are at home or not.

He sounds a total arsehole. You should definitely get out of there, and please stop the emailing, I can understand why you are doing it but it's only going to make you feel worse ?

Oh honey, I'm so sorry.

I know this is very easy for me to say sat here, but you are worth so much more than this. No one should be treated this way within a relationship. Do you have any family or close friends you could go and stay with for a week or so? I think you need some time with people who care about you, to talk things through with other people and some time to think about what you want long term. I think you should arrange something, pack a bag and give yourself some time to process all of this as it must have come as such a horrible shock.

I bet most people would feel scared at the thought of ending a long term relationship, how will I cope, what will people think? The honest answer is, if that is the way you choose you go, you will cope, you will move on and in a few years, I expect you will look back and wonder why you put up with it for this long.

You seem a nice person and he doesn't deserve you. I'm fuming at what he said over an e-mail to you!

I'm not saying it will be easy but you will get there in the end. You don't want him continuing to treat you like this, do you? Don't make any rash decisions, go and find out what to do about accomodation/money etc and make sure you are all set up if you want to go.

There's already been some really great advice which I can't better. I know it must feel like the end of the world and that you can't conceive of how to move on from here. BUT - as Oriana says, you can and you will. The thought that you can't cope without him is simply that, a thought. You were fine before him and you'll be fine after him, given time. What you can't cope with is the situation you're in at the moment, the way he's acting, and understandably so.

I've always found that the indecision, the not knowing how to proceed, is what makes you feel that you can't cope. Have you got someone who can help you set out a clear path of action? Once you have a plan, often it's only then you can start to get your head together and see that there is a way out, there is a better solution than staying.

Thanks everybody.

I'm going to have a shower and get into bed as i'm feeling under the weather.

Ill update asap.

thanks BB xx

Hey BB ....

So he's responded to your bogus email on whatever site, and has said he tolerates her (you) to pay the bills? Firstly I think you're very brave even doing this - I didn't have the courage to do it that way - i couldn't have coped with waiting for an email to pop up from him as his 'alter ego' - it ate away at me for weeks before I got to the point where I had to make the choice to either just curl up and give up, or confront him.

You are NOT stupid - I know this is how he's made you feel - why didn't you see it happening, not pick up on little clues, why is he even WANTING to do this - I know BB, I know exactly what will be going on in your head. But you are not stupid.

Its been a couple of days since you posted - how are things now?

Mrs SP x

Any more updates BB?

I just wanted to add that I can understand what a terrible position this must be for you. But irstly I would just like to point out that him slaggin you off - the stuff he says is very possibly not true i.e. that he just stays for the bills, afterall he isn't going to tell a potential contact that actually he's very happy but fancies a quick thrill on the side iyswim.

Secondly if you are doubting how you would cope without him, you WILL be ok, more than ok. It will be hard at the start but it will get easier. You don't have to put up with this ?

Good point Jaz. This might not make any sense to you at all BB but ... well I didn't even exist - he was a single guy on business - not a guy who'd been with me for umpteen years and was a year away from getting married ..... so they will say what they think they have to say to get people interested - be it single or be it the downtrodden unhappy man in a relationship where the woman doesn't understand them, or whatever ....

Whatever you decide to do, you will be OK - it might not be Ok for what seems like a long time but you WILL be ok in the end. Hope you're alright.

Mrs SP x

BB, just want to add you would be ok on your own and you'd be a stronger person for it. There are SO many people on here who have posted about relationships ending and yes it's taken time but they have all met other people and are happy. I thought the same as you but realised it couldn't be worse than staying with him. You will get as much support on here as you want and there'll always be somebody to talk to ?

I thought of something else, does he know your email password? If so then change it as you will need to keep his replies, you may need them some day as proof..... so DON'T delete them.

Mal x

Looking at the "only with her for the bills" comment - well, looking at it from the other side, how many people get sucked into relationships with someone who is married after they hear that "s/he doesn't understand me" or whatever, only to find out that their poor misunderstood lover is just trying to have cake and eat it. It's hard to say don't take it to heart - If I ever heard that my husband had said that about me, I'd find it really hard to forgive. But it might not be true.

What does seem to be true is that you are being treated shabbily by this man. Is there a way that you fell you'd be able to confront him about it?

why?

to those hwo said my initial comments were harsh, well, they certainly werent intended to upset. however, there seemed to be little point (to me) in coming in with an "oh honey" kind of comment because A, thats not me at all, and B, i dont see the point in using glossy terms when descriptive terms seem appropriate. "sleep with" is just not appropriate to use here, for obvious reasons.

It seems though that BB has some other issues to contend with in this relationship, and personally, and i m not sure advice on this particular one is going to be either heeded or taken on board

Hi BB,

For what my opinions worth I think you did the right thing. When you love someone and they let you down like this you have to be aware of all the facts.....gather the evidence and then confront him I would go the whole distance to satify myself I knew what he was up to...he is the one in the wrong here!

You still dont know if its just chat or he has actually done anything.........the chatting with other women sounds bad but I know a few occassions with M8s where this sort of thing has been uncovered and came to nothing and things are fine now with them.

I once came down to my ex ptnrs mobile phone buzzing with a message........the womans name was on the screen....I had no idea who she was so YES I read it! It said "nite nite hunny speak soon xxx". I noted down her number waved him off to work with a smile on my face and quickly picked up the phone and called her. He had been up to no good and his bags were waiting when he got home. Turns out she was married and told me everything so I wouldn't tell her husband. I loved him to bits and didn't have a clue!

You have to know......thats my opinion....I would do the same thing again without a doubt.

Hope things work out with you? xxx