Jealousy (long tale, sorry)

My OH isn't the jealous type. I am however. He works in a store where he is in the minority and its the sort of place where you know the girls are really pretty. Every month they go out for a big night out. The last time they were out he txt me saying someone was making a fool of themselves. When asked the next day what happened he said one of the girls was all over him, holding his hand, kissing his face etc. And its not like she doesn't know about me. They all know he's getting married. I asked him if he stopped her, and he said it was more hassle than its worth and she was just drunk. So I was jealous for a bit but then saw the funny side when she got in touch with him the next day and asked what had happened the night before as she didn't remember anything.

Also, he has this female friend at work who he goes and gets the latest mcflurry with each time it comes out, they take it in turns to pay for each other. They also go out for nights out just the two of them. I am probably more jealous of her than anyone. Its stupid and I really trust my OH it just personal issues that I obviously have.

I don't really know what to say in response. I'm not friends with anyone I've boffed, even on FB.

MF is a flirt and has a bit of a past, but I trust him completely. If someone flirts with him, he tends to laugh about it and make them feel aquard.

A certain amount of jealousy is healthy, I think. We're generally not really jealous at all - in fact, we'll quite openly discuss who we think is hot, or even who we have mini crushes on (and we'll tease one another about it) however, if I put myself in your H's position, and she was out with someone she'd previously had a passionate affair with, who i didn't know (it almost feels like someone who knew her in a different life, that i wasn't part of?) I would feel a pang of jealousy, maybe there would even be a little strop (of the attention seeking kind) but I know that she would find this endearing and would quite enjoy my jealousy. I don't think it would cause anything negative in the relationship (oh! I have to call it a marriage now, don't I!?)

Yes, not telling the truth about the text was a mistake, but an understandable one, you did it not to further goad him while he was already feeling a little put out. Best thing to do now, get it all out there, say it like it is, tell him why - and ask him to try and articulate how he felt that made him act like that.

I am very good friends with one of my exes, who i was with for 4 years. My wife was a little jealous to begin with, but then I encouraged the two of them to become friends, which initially she found weird, but then once she was an integral part of my life, and therefore my friendships, she could see from the inside the mechanics of it all and understands it. She sees the value of that friendship in my life and wouldn't question it.

I'm friends with several - maybe five or six. But only one other apart from this guy who I see in person, and even him only occasionally. Something about the guy I saw on Friday really gets my H2B's goat - they haven't met, so I guess it's to do with the level of heat there used to be between us. I was honest with my H2B about that - I mean I didn't give him gory details, but I didn't downplay it. He wrote a song about me once.

OH used to be very jealous, it spoilt our relationship in fact as I always felt I had to justify things which were perfectly innocent in the first place (a bit like your text message which you felt the need to say was a notification) and I ended up feeling very aware of my actions and a bit like I was walking on eggshells at times.

The behaviour only changed when OH and I had a frank chat and acknowledged that it was ruining the relationship. There have been little teething issues along the way but I have to say that he is completely trusting and does not act jealous any more.

Have you had a proper chat with him to ask why he feels jealous and put it in black and white to him that since you've been together you've done nothing to warrant his jealousy? Tell him to turn it around and be smug that someone is flirting with the girl he's settling down with!

Neither of us are particularly jealous. I'm not sure whether that's a good or bad thing!

But then, we never really go anywhere to make the other jealous.

I don't talk to any of my ex's and neither does H. We don't go out together, so jealousy by flirting isn't an issue.

He doesn't have any female friends, and any male friends I have are just the partners of my female friends.

I don't think jealousy has to be a bad thing though. The way I see it, they're just afraid of losing you. Obviously there are extremes, but on the odd ocassion when when I have been jealous in the past, it's because I've been afraid that the other girl is better than me and he would want her instead of me. I don't feel that way anymore though, cos, well you know, no one's better than me. ?

I used to be very, very jealous. It was a huge strain on our relationship in the beginning. H2B was working with a girl that he had been having an on/off relationship with for a couple of years before he met me (he had even cheated on his previous gf with her, which he was up-front with me about). He swore it was all over, and that he had no feelings for her whatsoever, which I believe. But his office would often go out on Friday afternoons and he'd rock up at midnight/2am totally trashed, which I used to go green-eyed about. They'd have coffee together a few times a month, and she once invited him over to her house and when he got there she had a bottle of wine and a steak dinner waiting! I hit the roof. It caused huge strain b/c he saw her as a friend and felt I didn't trust him, while I thought she was trying to get back together with him and couldn't contain my jealousy.... the final straw came when I had a phone call from a mutual friend he worked with, at 2am the night of their Xmas do, asking me if I knew where my h2b was b/c he had spent the eve chatting with the ex and then got in a taxi with her. All innocent from his end, we lived in the same area and they were sharing a fare, but I couldn't handle it anymore and told him (quite immaturely) that he had to cut off all out-of-office contact with her. To his credit, he did. She's now moved back to NI where she's from, and occaisonally they meet up for coffee when she travels back to his office for meetings or whatever. It's been a few years and she now has a partner and is having a baby, so I've calmed down about it.

I've never had a problem with his other exes, and in fact I've become good friends with one of them. I don't think I'd have the same jealousy issues now, hopefully I've matured and what with getting married and all I know he's not going to stray!

I try not to be jealous and can honestly say, up to now, I've not experienced any jealousy with my H2B. I know his ex had massive jealousy issues and that it would be an issue for him if I was the same. She would check his phone, track where he was etc. I've met all his female colleagues and his best friend at work is a lady he tutored. They did become close, but not romatically, and are good friends. She and I are are now very very good friends too which OH gets jealous about lol - only in a friendly way of course coz she's more my friend now than his lol. I know OH is totally devoted to me and so have no cause to feel at risk at all.

Jealousy is a terrible thing and it's corrosive and destructive. But trust can be so so hard to give when all you perceive are reasons not to give it. I have been jealous in the past and have learned, only I suffered but it then impacts other aspects of your life. There's a massive difference between being jealous without cause, and being taken advantage of and obviously not liking it. We're all entitled to have friendships with other people, but it's a fine line between a friendship and a relationship, be that sexual or not.

I would have been absolutely furious if H2B asked me to cut contact with this guy, or to turn down the invitation for a drink. But the difference is I knew that this guy had no untoward intentions - I am absolutely confident that he's faithful to his wife and respects my relationship with H2B. It's just that H2B doesn't believe that. I doubt I'll see the guy in person again for a while, maybe a year or more, due to the geographical distance between us - but I want to continue being his friend on social media and texting occasionally, and I think H2B should be able to be okay with that, even if he doesn't love it.

The thing is I get jealous on occasion too - H2B is a DJ and I've seen girls offer to kiss him or flash their boobs in return for him playing their song. I've also seen him be quite the charmer to girls working in shops (Starbucks again!) But if I ever mention it to him he laughs it off, saying that he isn't attractive and other girls couldn't possibly be interested. Which is rubbish - he has quite a past too! It rather seems like it's one rule for me and another for him...

?

You'd be surprised what people will do after a few drinks! Men go the other way and sulk. I have a few great photos of offensive things they've written on his request sheet cos they can't get their way.

H isn't a jealous person. I'm awful though.

The job he's in is notorious for extra-marital affairs. Funnily enough though, my jealousy isn't based on thinking he'd cheat on me, it's more about him sat in a van all night with some girl and the chance that he's sharing stuff with her that he hasn't with me.

Crazy, I know. So I just don't ask who he's been with that shift. As far as I'm concerned, he's always with another bloke ?

After what ex H did, getting all secretive and texting other girls all the time, I really have to fight with myself if MF takes his phone to the loo with him, or something like that because my instinct is that he's misbehaving. And I don't actually believe he would.

No, I wouldn't stop seeing/talking to my friend on principle. I have tried my best to put myself in my H2B's shoes and whilst I'm sure I would be uncomfortable with the situation if it were reversed, I think it would be unfair to ask him to cut off communication with a friend.

I suspect this isn't gonna come up again for a while with this particular guy cos I don't see him often, but it is an ongoing issue generally. My ex was massively jealous and possessive and convinced himself I was having an affair with another friend (I was not), and it was one of the things that split us up. I told my H2B that I wouldn't get into another relationship like that, yet here I am! Not that it would stop me wanting to marry him I hasten to add, it's just bugged me.

We don't really have many issues arise that cause any jealousy. I tell oh he's not allowed to talk to girls but that's just a jokey thing. He's never had any serious girlfriends before me and I only have one ex who we never see. If I knew oh was out with a girl he had a passionate affair with though, that would drive me crazy!

I tend not to be jealous but H has shown a slight tendency. He seems to think all my friends' husbands find me as attractive as he does and no matter how often I point out that it is only him who finds me even remotely sexy, he doesn't get it. We are both naturally flirtatious but neither of us has ever accused the other of anything which is good!

Having said that, neither of us has any sort of friendship with an ex. I'm not sure either of us would like that idea tbh, so I do get where your OH is coming from. It comes down to trust in the end, and you already know that lying doesn't help with that one ?

My H is a terrible sulker, but leave him be and he gets over it. Hopefully your OH is the same?

I used to be vile with jealousy, and it's one of the things that caused issues with us years ago. it wasn't helped by the fact the things i was usually jealous over tended to become real issues. H has really changed though and now understands why i got like i did, i've mellowed out loads and there's only 1 girl i hate him having anything to do with, but he knows and understands why. If he's out and she is there he will always text me and tell me so as to try and be as open as possible. It doesn't help my sick feeling but i prefer to know and although i have asked him not to directly make contact with her, i would never make him completely avoid her.

H has always been the same level of jealous. again i do try and be as open and honest with him. I would never go round to my male friends house without another friend or knowing his wife was home, both for his marriage and mine. H's jealousy comes out in quiet moodiness though. he never tells me, i can just tell by his face he isn't happy. I have to ask him in order for us to be able to talk about it or it would just fester and i don't want us to be sent back 10years.

He always says he trusts me, it's the men he doesn't trust (like i wouldn't have a say!) but then thinking about it i feel the same!! it's all just about communication for us now. we're at a point where we trust each other but also know where each others boundaries are.

xx

I don't agree with this.

I understand that your H shouldn't feel threatened because there's absolutely nothing going on. But I also understand that, for some people, it's not easy to just accept that nothing's going on, IYSWIM.

If my husband had trust issues, and he asked me to stop seeing someone, I would 100% do that. Because he comes first. His feelings will always come first. I wouldn't hurt him just out of principle.

I think you're being very unfair there. I don't think the reaction your h2b has to you spending time with a man you had a passionate fling with can be described as being 'massively jealous and possessive' at all!

I'm not saying you should stop being friends with him (although I probably would in your position, I understand not everyone is the same and I don't think there's a right or wrong), but I do think you need to cut your h2b a bit of slack.

Yes I am but H isn't. I have one ex, and there was no axe or anything, H became friends through a mutual friend and we all went on a night out together! Maybe more so because it was a very brief, high school type relationship, nothing serious.

If I'm being honest H has given me reasons in the past to be jealous but although it took a while, I'd say I was a lot better. I still hate when he is secretive with his phone but it doesn't upset me at all.

I think if I asked H to cut off contact in your type situation ID he would, same here, I think I would be putting my Hs feelings before my friendship as I think I'd be worried it would niggle away forever.

I get this, but I just feel like if I stop seeing my friend, H2B could then ask me to cut contact with other people cos he's jealous of them, and then where does it stop? What if he were to ask me to stop going in Starbucks cos of that flirty assistant from this morning? That's just another situation where nothing is going on and it isn't about to.

I hasten to add I'm not hurting him to be bloody-minded, it's cos my friend is very dear to me and has been there through a lot in my life, and likewise me for him. If I had to choose then obviously I would choose my H2B, but I don't want to lose my friend.

Yep, you're right. I was comparing my ex and H2B unfairly there! I just feel the same feeling of not being trusted and I don't like it.

I can be very jealous. I have been cheated on in the past and find it hard to trust people. Party due to self esteem and partly due to other people causing me realise that not everyone can be trusted.

I have to reign it in, but if I knew H was out with a girl he had had a passionate affair with I don't think I would like it either. There's a history there, and it would make me feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't tell him not to go but I would probably be the same as your OH and be sulky about it. I would need some reassurance. I would also have been really angry if my H had lied to me about a text message when in the middle of a row/mood about him being out with someone I wasn't sure about. It makes it all worse when tensions are high.

The smallest lie can make you doubt all the truth. And people like me/your OH don't just get over stuff overnight. The sulk this morning was probably knock on from last Friday.

H has never been jealous with me, but we had a similar issue when I lied about something earlier this year, he went mental, I realised very quickly that my tiny little white lie had made him doubt anything else I had ever told him. Sounds dramatic, but its true when you think about it. It took us a while to be ok again.

He's not being possessive ID, he cant help being jealous. You will be sensitive to any sort of possessive behaviour because of your past, but this isn't him telling you not to go somewhere, or what to do or being controlling. Try and cut him some slack.

H doesn't get jealous at all, or only in a very jokey way. But then I don't have much in my past to cause him to be jealous - I have one significant ex, who I haven't seen since the day we broke up, and have had a few drunken snogs with some of my male friends but it was years and years ago and they all have girlfriends/wives now.

He, on the other hand, is still very good friends with one of his exes (who has boobs bigger than my head!), and has a couple of female friends who IMO have crossed the boundaries of appropriate friendly behaviour occasionally in the past. Used to drive me crazy, but having met them, and over the years of knowing and trusting him, I know nothing's likely to happen. He goes out for dinner with his ex and/or other friends sometimes without me, and I don't really mind.

ID, I think your H2B is being a bit childish with all the sulking - if he really minded he should have said beforehand or come out with you to meet the bloke.

I think that's your issue, not your h2b's though - do you know what I mean?

I think his reaction to you spending time with your ex is pretty normal really. Again, I'm not saying you should stop spending time with him but I think the feelings you're having about being controlled etc (from your reply to Ali's post) are quite disproportionate to the actual situation.

All very sensible words. I do appreciate that lying to H2B was a monumentally stupid thing to do and undermined all the reassurance I had tried to give him that nothing was going on between me and my friend. The fact that I had had a couple of drinks on Fri night (only a couple, but I'm a lightweight!) probably affected my judgement at the time. But it's done now.

I think I probably am being a bit harsh on him. I maintain that I don't wanna end the friendship, but I probably haven't tried hard enough to see it from his side. Thanks all for being understanding and honest

I have had issues with jealousy in the past but that was more about my own insecurities and being with the wrong person than anything else.

Generally now I rarely have jealousy issues even though OH works away for periods and certainly on his last job quite a lot of his married colleagues were all at it like rabbits which he told me about.

There is one girl who I don’t like him spending time with and it is someone who he admits has always wanted there to be something more, someone who he says he has absolutely nothing in common with and talks quite scathingly about (e.g. says she is thick and shallow), yet continues to make time for her and text her etc. They don’t have any friends in common and although he says he fancied her he thinks she was just looking for someone rich and he is quite touchy about money so decided it was a no-go. He won’t allow me to meet her as he says we wouldn’t get on, and he reports back some of her catty comments - generally involving my age as she is 14 years younger than me (and 14 years younger than OH I might add). He would never mention her and when he did he was very underhand about what texts or contact there had been. All in all something just didn’t add up and it all came to a head on Valentine’s day. I couldn’t make it up north as I wasn’t well so we were spending Valentine’s night apart. By 11pm I hadn’t heard anything from him all day so phoned to see how he was. She had just come round with a bottle of wine (at 11pm?!!) and they were sat in the snug drinking the wine together in front of the fire. She stayed until 2am. A perfect Valentine’s night for them by all accounts. We had a big discussion in a very calm way about why I was upset and I didn’t find it acceptable and if he wanted to remain friends with her it has to be open and I expect to be able to meet her etc. She hasn't been mentioned since.

By contrast, what I find quite hypocritical is he hates me having any contact with an ex who I have stayed friends with. I was friends with this guy before it was anything else and we both realised pretty quickly we made better friends so it was a short but very passionate affair. It is all very platonic now – we just get on and always have plus have lots of friends in common but I don’t contact him much as OH hates it so much. He sulks if I so much as text him hello how are you. Which is funny because as far as I am concerned it was an itch I scratched and would never want to re-scratch. I think exes are far less worrying than someone who you fancied but for one reason or another never did anything about.

ID – him sulking about this is probably quite understandable and maybe if they had met and saw how you were together he would feel less threatened by it. I think it’s unfair to say that means you are now in another jealous and controlling relationship. He just needs some reassurance and discussion. Let him calm down and then reiterate the fact he has nothing to worry about anymore.

Do you think that if this guy was part of your life more often your h2b might feel less threatened? I mean, if he had met him and they spent time together he might realise that he is worrying over nothing. I think we tend to be more afraid of the unknown even if we try to think about it logically.

I personally am not a jealous person at all with my OH. When we first started dating he was living with his two ex girlfriends, and he continued to live with one of them the next year too! It never bothered me, which is unusual as at the time I was suffering quite severely with depression focussed around fears of abandonment. I think that because I saw first hand what their interactions were like, and befriended the ex girlfriends it made me feel much more secure.

There hasn't been anyone else that has even made a blip on the jealousy-ometer. He has female friends and I have met most of them and really like them. He never seems to be jealous of me either.

I hope that you and h2b can find a solution soon

I can relate to how ID feels- I am also a bit obstinate about not wanting to be controlled or told who I can and cannot be friends with. I have also experienced it from the other point of view of being the friend who was cut out because his girlfriend was jealous, and it's not nice. (Although I suppose the difference is that we'd been close friends since school, had one crap shag at 18 and he cut me out with no explanation at the time).

Ultimately, him feeling jealous is understandable, if slightly irrational. You feeling afraid of being controlled is understandable, if slightly irrational. You both just need to talk to each other about how you're feeling and come up with a way of dealing with it together.

Me and OH arent really the jealous type, and we do trust each other. HOWEVER, he doesn't trust other blokes. He trusts me to say no or back off, but sometimes, he does get a bit...miffed.. If a guy tries his luck. Other than that being mates with men doesnt bother him. Maybe your OH isnt jealous, maybe he is just wary of other men thinking the wrong thing about his soon to be missus!! I guess it is easily assumed about exes.

Unless you've previously boinked the man from Starbucks, I don't think this would happen.

I do think you need to cut your H2B a little bit of slack.

I have (had) a really good male friend and we went through a phase of being more than friends. When I met H, and I was certain that I wanted to be with him, I kind of had to stop seeing my friend. It wasn't because H asked me to, but because there would always be feelings of more than just friendship with the guy, and that would be completely unfair. Of course, I'd never cheat on my husband, but that doesn't mean that feelings just disappear. There would always be the "remember the time when we..." and "it was good, wasn't it?" and I don't think it's fair to have those sorts of conversations.

My OH isn't jealous at all I don't think. But then he's never really had a reason to be jealous. I don't have any male friends that aren't his. Apart from a couple of guys from work I get on well with.

I was quite jealous of a friend that OH had from work a few years ago. He used to call her wifey and see her for coffee and stuff. My main issue with her is that I know from my brother and his gf (they used to work with her too) that she's had affairs with married men in the past and split up their relationships so I was majorly paranoid about her and I did used to check his phone a lot. Him calling her wifey was a big problem and I told him that so he stopped. Their friendship seems to have fizzled out now that they don't work together.

ID - in your OH's situation, I'd be very jealous too.