Please dont feel the need to reply i think i just need to let it all out today its been such a stressful day but hopefully the worst of it is over!!
I have a particularly dodgy heart and have spent the best part of the night awake due to severe palpitations, by the time 6 am came i was feeling terrible and i was meant to be looking after my niece today. My heart was going nuts so badly to the point i ended up in the bathroom being sick (sorry tmi) when i got back to bed my h2b asked if i was ok put his hand on my chest and panicked, all i could think was i need to ring my mum to see if she can look after my niece because there was no way i could have looked after her feeling the way i did. Immediately i started feeling guilty about letting my sister down and then upsetting my h2b when i knew he had a stressful day today himself. Anyway i spoke to my sister and she was really understanding at the time but i ended up getting all upset and crying because i felt so guilty about letting her down and causing my h2b more worry and also because i just felt terrible. My h2b had to be up early today to take his son to the hospital as he has to have an operation today (hopefully his last!! ive got everything crossed that he wont need anymore). My h2b left me at 7 and he was really upset about me and feeling very bad about having to leave me especially when i was so upset and crying which made me feel even worse because at no point did i expect him to stay with me right now his son is his priority as he should be. My h2b text me at 10 to tell me that J had gone down for his operation and that my h2b was feeling quite distressed as although he has taken him down many times before this time was different because my h2b had emergency surgery in june after he nearly died on me and had to go to the exact same place he had been with J. Ive just spoken to my h2b and J is out we dont know how it went yet as the surgeon hasnt been up yet but he has a cast on his arm to over his elbow and one on his leg to over his knee (he has an operation last year and managed to pull his cast off he was 20 months then so much bigger and stronger now hence bigger longer casts) and he's sleeping we dont know if he will be able to come home tonight or if he will have to stay in over night - hopefully he will be allowed home but he had to have a skin graft so thats where the problem lies. This whole hospital experience has been so much more stressful than it was last time, i dont know if maybe i dealt with it better because i wasnt as close to J as i am now (his last op id only been with his dad about 2 months we've been together now for 15 months). Im positive my insecurities dont help as myh2b is/has spent the day with his ex and i worry one day he will go back to her, i know he wont ever leave me but i still worry and today with emotions running high for them both you never know (well i do so i should shut up and stop being selfish and horrible i know my h2b loves me and wouldnt touch his ex he really cant stand her.) Anyway to top it off i still feel terrible, ive managed to get abit of sleep and the palpatations have settled down abit but not enough for me to fully relax. Im so teary and i just want to hug my h2b and make J feel better. I know from previous experience that by the weekend he will be fine and will be trying to run around and just generally get on with life I just wish he didnt have to go through so much,but like i said before hopefully this is the last operation and he can get back to being a regular little monster.
Sorry to moan on for so long and if you made it to the end you deserve a medal, Sorry again x
