(long) Don't usually post OT but ... I'm just at a loss as to what to do with my....

Would making contact with a Carers Support group help at all?

Someone like these: http://www.carers.net/

? no idea what to say, but it sounds awful for you

They say that as time goes on you revert to being a child again, seems this is the situation youre finding yourself in with your mum. I dont think I can offer any words of wisdom but agree with KJX about contacting the carers support people, they might be able to offer some solutions.

x

Its just frustrating that I can't seem to help her! EDITED .....

You don't have to be getting her dressed and wiping her bum to be considered a Carer - emotional support is very draining. Could your mother manage without the support you give her? And you sound as though you are doing a lot of care giving of the more obvious sort for her - sorting out social life / day to day activities. Don't underestimate how much work you are doing there.

Mind dumping for you! possibly counselling (Ive had two lots now and its bloody fantastic, really sorted my head out) and possibly counselling for your mum, seems its her mind full of stuff that could need sorting out too.

x

I have no advice as I've not been in your situation but I just wanted to sympathise as it sounds like a horrid place to be. It's no good being trite and saying live your own life, don't let your mum get to you as of course you can't do that. Hopefully someone else will have some useful advice as you shouldn't have to live your life like this.

Now I feel awful cos I think I've made her sound like some sort of ogre and she isn't, shes my Mum and I just want to help her feel she has a purpose and worth and that the world isn't out to get her. Christ. I think I'm more fecked up than she is.

Now you are being silly. x

Maybe get her to open up verbally or by writing you a letter might help. Its a communication thing maybe, you need to both understand each others needs.

It's very difficult being the main support for someone with depression. I have family members who behave like this, and I always feel as if I've been attacked by Dementors when I get off the phone from them.

Maybe MIND or someone might be able to help? You clearly are a carer in that you're taking on the emotional burden, and although your mother certainly doesn't mean it to be it is a lot for you to take on. Sadly, part of depression is being very negative about courses of action/possible treatments so you're a bit stuck until she sees that she needs to take charge of her condition.

Thats made me laugh thru' the tears (oh yes, we have tears!) Princess Layabout - that just about sums it up perfectly! Thank you for raising a smile! EDITED .....

Thanks everyone who has posted so far ... it is appreciated and I've never really used Hitched to offload but it is quite a good way to get a bit of perspective (and advice). Just wish my husband was home right now - he's been away 2 weeks and isn't due back until tmrw.

You have my complete sympathy ?

My Mum is bi-polar and uses me as an emotional crutch and has done since I was a young teenager. It used to completely overwhelm me to the point where my mental health began to suffer. Like you, my Mum has threatened suicide a number of times and has attempted it.

However, she's my Mum and I don't feel I can ever be truely happy until she is - In that respect i'll always do what I can for her.

For me, I've had to get a kind of emotional detachment. I've realised that I am not responsible for my Mum's life and happiness - she is. I know that this will sound selfish but i've had to put my own life and happiness first. In a way though, by stepping back just a little, i've found that i'm now more tolerant when the bad times are really bad.

I'm fortunate in that my Mum also has my Dad and Brother to lean on. You are your Mum's sole carer and she is very fortunate to have you. Don't know what else to say really, except you need to be good to yourself and put your life first.

I hope your Mum manages to enjoy her break and that you have a 'holiday' too.

You shouldn't feel guilty about anything you said, we all need a release sometimes and maybe you just found a short term one.

Maybe for you, counselling would be good as a bit of an outlet.

Some of what you said rings true for me too. My Mum tried to commit suicide 15 years ago when my Dad left, and although she is relatively happy now and in a new relationship whenever anything goes wrong, or they have a fall out and she does the 'I can't take this any more' thing I get the same old panicy sick feeling. I don't think these things ever go away.

My grandmother is 90 and moved in with my mum 5 years ago and has somehow managed to unlearn everything she ever knew - can't cook, can't go anywhere, to the point where she said she will never see her sister again as it is too far to travel to go and see her in London, even when I offered to drive. Old people really are like children. My Mum moved her out 6 months ago to residential accomodation, she has her own flat but the larger building is supervised and she has got a new lease of life as she has had to make friends, and she goes on bus trips etc. She's still not 100% happy but it's better. Maybe you need to let go of your mum a little to try and get her to take a few steps herself?

No advice really but wanted you to know that you are not alone, but by no means belittle how you feel, it must be awful coping with this on your own.

Take care x

Maxi - Thank You. Sometimes you feel you're the only person dealing with stuff like this - my best friends don't seem to have any problems with their parents, some even still have married parents! But of course, I'm not the only person dealing with this sort of thing....

I never really understood what bi-polar is but I'm more aware of it now since I've done research online around depression etc to try to find out more about what I could do to 'help' mum take the next step to helping herself. The stepping back and almost forcing her to take responsiblity is the hardest thing but I am getting better at it.

You're in Scotland I see - where abouts? I'm in Fife....

Mrs W2B - thank YOU too ... saw your post - must have come in as I was replying to Maxi.... you too have my sympathy - that panicy sick feeling - know it well. Its just the worst huh?

I am a lot better than I was with dealing with it all - its just sometimes it just gets to a point I have to take my pressure cooker off the gas and let some steam out... today was just one of those days.

EDITED

I'm feeling much better now than I did an hour ago and all these replies have helped a lot - thank you.

Mrs Snowpatroller - i've sent you a PM.

In any case, I feel for you, its hard. I hope you can find a solution, you seem to have already made so much effort. x

Thanks Kate - seems there are a lot of us going thru' this huh? Its a weird emotional rollercoaster isn't it - I mean, we do what we can and yet still feel guilty. A bit of a vicious circle at times.

Again, thanks to everyone who posted - and please feel free to go in and delete/edit out what you've posted if you want to now its been read and digested by a very grateful Mrs Snow Patroller..... I appreciate some of this is very sensitive ....

I think I'm going to have a glass of wine and a chinese. it'll make me feel like a fat lump later but hey ho!

Its the first time I ve really spoken about it to other people. It does help though. Its true, lots of people are going through tough stuff all the time and we never even know! Some suggestions on here are really good though, a good idea.

Anyway, go enjoy your chinease, I already slobbed out on choccie biccis earliers (oh why did my delightful H2B buy THREE boxes of chocolate fingers). Gonna try to stick to my boring ham salade tea!