Long post : Brother won't allow nieces to my wedding...

It can only ruin your wedding if you let it! Leave him and his children alone, ignore them, send them an invite to be the bigger person, but why bother getting so upset that he won't let his girls come? They're his children, not yours!

Tell you family that you're not the only one who can reach out to make up, and that you have more important things to worry about right now. If he wants to make up with you, he'll come to you eventually, but if not, then so be it.

Because they're my nieces and I (and the rest of the family) will miss them being there! I know they are his kids (he uses access to them to control everyone) but they are also my family and I will miss them as much as anyone would in this situation surely? I know I need to ignore it and not let it bother me but it's very, very hard thinking you won't see some of your family again.

I've already told my parents that I'm not the only one who can grow up but they keep putting pressure on me despite this. I feel I'm the weaker target and they know that if they put enough pressure on my I'll probably fold - It's usually everyone else that does and apologises, never him.

Can you talk to their mother instead? I presume the parents are separated and they live with your brother? (strange seeing as you say he's a recluse). If the mother has any contact with them, then you can ask her, and between you time it so it gets to be a weekend she has contact

Ahhh, he has them because their mother didn't want them...Long story but he treated her badly (and that was just what we witnessed) and she ended up in a very bad place which saw her tell social workers she didn't want them. So, unfortunately their only real influence is him as none of us really get to see them (average once a year per relation).

Hmmmm (work-head on now) he is denying the children regular access to their family? How old are they? Old enough to express a preference? I'm sure social services would be very interested if their grandparents and rest of family aren't having involvement and they are living with someone like that.

Could your mother play clever and get them for the day?

What a horrible situation for the kids to be in, he sounds like really hard work. I can completely understand why you are upset if they cannot make it. I have nine nieces and nephews, two of which have a very controlling mother (my eldest brother's ex wife),she really is a mental nut job and will go our of her way to make my brother's life hell and use the children against him. She was threatening not to let them come to my wedding as well as making a whole host of demands but my brother has put his foot down and they are coming. I'm so glad because they have missed out on a few big family parties in recent years and it doesn't feel right that almost everyone is there apart from these two fantastic boys who are so lovely despite having such a psychotic mother! Anyway, I don't know what you can do apart from kidnap them unfortunately. Just send him and them an invite and hope for the best. As for making up with your brother like your mum suggests, is this even possible considering what he is like (taking into account if you can bring yourself to)?

Everyone (apart from me) is 'allowed' access but it's on us to go to him and he makes it very difficult. Never refuses but makes it difficult if that makes sense? They are under 12 and dote on us all...one once said "I wish you were our mummy" and we all helped out a lot when they were very young in every way. Unfortunately only grandparents have access rights and he's not one for listening to anyone else or really caring what they want. For instance, one toldme last time I did get to see them that they had been trying desperately to get him to take them to visit.

Parents won't get involved because they are scared he will do the same to them.

Feel there isn't anything I can do which I guess I have accepted but for some reason today it's getting to me. Maybe because I tried on my dress and it doesn't fit ;-)

Rubbish isn't it. I just thing it's disgusting using kids like that.

Only way to contact is via his mobile phone and I think the reason he wants me to call is so he can give me a lecture and make me apologise before I'd get to talk to them. He's a big one for taking the moral high ground ironically. I guess it's just a case of waiting until they are old enough to decide for themselves.

Like yours, these girls miss any family event that happens, it's as if he doesn't want to share them with anyone.

Does he work or have anything else going on in his life? It is such a strange way to behave. My ex-sil would like nothing better than for my brother to give up having them (he has to travel for three hours every other weekend to see them and had to buy a house near them to have them all weekend!) they already know that he is the fun one and I expect they will realise when they are old enough that he has done everything he can and their mum is not an easy person. I hope your nieces do the same, it's such a shame for them :-(

He doesn't work, doesn't really go out and doesn't really see anyone. I think he may be depressed or something going by some stuff that has been said to my mum. But then again, he's never really tried to work and reckons we are all fools for doing it so he must be happy enough :-)

Oh dear I've known people with that same attitude, they usually think the world is against them and have a bit of a chip on their shoulder!

I have been a child in a similar situation to this and grew up thinking half my family never wanted to know. Its quite sad really for the children, if nobody has regular access is there anyone besides him to make sure they are really happy and ok? It could be quite lonely for them too.

I know you dont want to, but could it not be worth just making up for the sake of the children? Theres more winners in making up then there are continuing not to talk.

Would it come as a surprise that we also had this happen as kids?! Ironic isnt it. I grew up thinking the same as you but finally we are all back in touch now, I am also old enough now to know there are two sides so I have everything crossed that they will realise this too and that they are old enough now to remember the fun!

In terms of making up I just can't see it, this is one of many arguments he has had with family and every time without fail we've had to apologise, he didn't even tell my parents when their first grandchild was born. I just feel it will repeat and repeat. Oh and in answer to your other question...parents etc talk on the phone at least and I know they are always being told we all love them etc so yeah, hope it goes in.

Actually, typing this out has given me an idea...a table of pics of good tims fiancé and I had including pics of family events etc, can include them that way :-)

Hi,

Sorry to hear your in this difficult situation and I doubt I can say anything that you haven't already gone over in your head but...

Part of me thinks you should leave your brother to it and get on with your own life, if he has always been like this then he wont change, there is also the chance that you could swallow your pride for the sake of the girls and he still wont turn up on the day, by then you'll have spent money on the girls dresses etc , I'm sure you wouldn't begrudge having spent the money on them even if their dad does keep them away, but how will they feel knowing they should have been wearing them on the day ?...only you'll know if your brother could be that cruel.

On the other hand, surely its worth trying to make up with him this once, for the sake of your nieces? ...lets face it the chances are there will be another fall out with him where you can refuse to give in and stand your ground. Maybe if you do this and get your nieces all excited about the wedding, then your brother wont take that away from them? But then if your wedding is still far off then he might find another reason to start a fall out before it !

Either way I don't envy your position.

Definitely send out the invitations as you plan so the girls receive them and not your brother, also if your brother does remain so pigheaded then you could send your nieces a posy of flowers each on the morning telling them that you wish they could be with you today, then at least they will know that you wanted them there to share your day with you.

Best of luck with your decision.

L x