Love and marriage

That's hard to answer because one size doesn't really fit all.

In my case, I lusted after my husband from the first time we met and our early days were about exploring that ? We've been together 8 years now (married for 5) and are compatible in all sorts of ways - we have similar backgrounds and attitudes to money, raising children etc. All these things are very important to making a strong and successful partnership, but for me, lust is important too. I still fancy him like mad but our lives mean that we're really busy and unable to spend time working on that as we would like (?) I think if we had a safe relationship without lust, I'd be pretty bored by now, much less for the rest of our lives. That might make me sound incredibly shallow - but being lusted after, fancied, flirted with etc makes me feel good about myself, so is important in the long run, I think.

Although I lusted after my husband at times (and still do) I don't feel like that every day of the week. I don;t even feel "in love" with him every day, sometimes it is just familarity, and having a partner who is also my close friend.

I've had relationships where I fancied them physically so much I could hardly breathe - I think it's chemical, and I found it totally irresistable. And totally destructive. Emotional rollercoasters. Too tiring, too time-consuming.

I prefer a slightly more cerebral attraction. It makes for a happier life for me. Mr JK and I are certainly physically attracted to each other (I hope ?), but much of what makes it good for us is a meeting of minds, and a mutual intellectual respect. We also share common values and have the same outlook on raising children. And he's kind and completely honourable, which are really important to me, and wholly underrated. I've certainly never been happier in a relationship. It really works.

I know what you mean about someone being kind and completely honourable. That is hugely important to me too and not always that easy to come across. In the long run, I'm sure this has more value in a marriage than lust. I guess I've never really gone for traditionally good looking guys - mostly because I don't come across them, and end up being charmed by personality instead. But I wonder if that's enough to prevent having a wandering eye later down the line!

Interesting questions.

For me, it's both physical and psychological attraction, chemistry, emotional arousal, shared values, confidence, kindness and a sense of humour. I have found all those within my H....but, it is a relationship that has been without the cycle of seduction/rejection, games within games, mutual destructiveness and marked by competition-which can and has been, all very exciting in the past, but does not make for a life long partnership.

If someone would have told me 2.5 years ago, that I would meet a man 10 years my senior (most of my relationships had been with men around my own age or considerably younger!), move in wth them after 5 months, get engaged at 6, and further to that get married a year after, I would have thought they were barking!

We both just knew. And it unfolded the way it was supposed to. I am 40 next year and have recently found out that I am expecting a baby-as the mother of grown up twin sons from a previous 12 year relationship, more children was something I had convinced myself I didn't need or want.....until my H.

We are both thrilled, but in honesty, don't need a baby to "complete" us. If it hadn't have happened, we would have continued enjoying each other, travelling, doing all those kinda things that married couples without small children can more easily do.

We know that parenthood will change our lives and relationship as we know it. It's inevitable. However, we are not the types to be consumed with it. We won't let complacency set in too much, and will still make time for each other-that's important to us.

I am happier than I have been in years, but I don't "write the script" and I try to count my blessings and take nothing for granted.

Thanks for telling me your story Delicious Devilwoman - how do you find the age difference by the way? Do you find that an issue - I guess not? Congratulations on your pregancy!!

Thank you!

Re the age difference-I will be honest, my H isn't like *most* men pushing 50. (*** or rather, my stereotypical/narrow view based on the few older men who had approached me and been firmly re-buffed in the past!)He looks younger than his age, is very fit, energetic, and we are on the same wavelength in terms of outlook/values/goals. He is mature and a "manly man" but not a stuffy old dinasaur! lol. Of course, we do have our differences like any couple.

He is in the police force and works shifts so inevitably there is tireditis and stress as times, and I am a manager in social services with a considerable commute, so we both are in high pressure fields.

Good question. I met Mr K when I was 16 he was 21 and I lusted after him as he was a bad boy and I was a good girl lol. We dated then I fell pregnant and things changed it all became serious. We got a little house and got on with it but we didn't marry until 2003 when we had been together 17 years and the kids were teenagers. For us it was the right time and I still lust after him but I also respect and love him. I feel we have grown up together and IMHO we have a good relationship based on all the things you mentioned. There have been rubbish times when the kids were little and we struggled but hard work and determination got us where we are I also think all relationships have to be worked at as nothing comes easy. I also think it gets easier as you get older and become more used to each other and I suppose money isn't such an issue lol.

Good questions to ponder on for a Sunday afternoon!

My first marriage didn't have much lust in it on my part. I didn't really physically fancy him when I met him, but he was a charmer, funny, spontaneous, 8 years older than me (I was 19) and drove fast cars and bikes. He eventually charmed me into dating him when I was almost 21 (after telling people the first day he saw me that I was the girl he would marry!) and we married when I was 22. After a fairly short time really, I knew our relationship was not going to last. We were more like two people sharing a house than what my idea of what a marriage should be like (based on my parents' now 40+ year marriage). We divorced when I had just turned 29. His lack of responsibility (which I had previously seen as being spontaneous) got on my nerves, I was sick of reminding him to pay money into the bank account to help cover the mortgage etc, whilst he drove around in a classic car, worth the same amount as our mortgage, on sunny days!! I can also safely say that the lack of lust was an issue as I really just did not fancy him, so we didn't even have that when we fell out over other things.

When I was 31 my work colleague had been trying to set me up with her brother for quite some time. After several months of emailing and texting each other, we met up. We have been inseparable ever since, travelling each weekend to be together (120 miles) and marrying after 5 months. I moved so that we could be together. There was an enormous physical attraction on both sides, (he is a very attractive man - I once came back to my desk after putting up a picture of him and found a group of women oggling him!!) and as someone else has said, I have realised it is very important (to me anyway) to be fancied and flirted with and made to feel attractive. We have very similar moral values, outlooks on life and views on raising children etc. Before I met him, I didn't even want children! We now have 2, aged just 2, and 8 months. Neither of us do anything without considering the other and we are best friends. I have never been happier or felt as safe and secure in a relationship as I do now. We do have our rows, as does everyone, but we both know that this is worth keeping. We've both been married before and both just knew when we met that this was it!

He was away for 5 months recently, on deployment, and it was awful, but for days before he was due home, I had butterflies and was really tearful. Picking him up at the airport was one of the most emotional days of my life!

Hello Emelia It's lovely to hear you are so happy now - good for you! I just worry if I will ever get that feeling of really fancying someone. I would really love to have it, but worry that it won't happen to me so should I hold out until I get it? I'm on the verge of getting divorced so am not in a hurry to settle down seriously with someone else. However, I am mid 30's and I really want kids so I can't spent a few years searching because time is not on my side. I have known someone for quite a long time, who has been a good friend, but we've become romantically involved for a few months since I seperated (although he was nothing to do with my divorce) and without his support I would have gone to pieces during the divorce process. He has been incredibly understanding of all my troubles, and even recently I told him I still loved my soon to be ex-husband. He was really understanding and said it was understandable that I hadn't let go of those feelings yet. He is by far the loveliest man I've ever met, caring, kind, considerate, funny, smart, witty, charming, successful, extremely thoughtful and he treats me amazingly. We have lots of shared goals and beliefs and to everyone else, we are a perfect match. For me, it is a bit too soon to rush into something serious, but there's also this little voice in my head that is asking me if this right. I DO love him, but I've never got giddy over him or had butterflies in my tummy. He's tall and always dresses nicely and is not in any way unattractive but physically I don't look at him and go phwoaar! However, he makes me laugh all the time, gives me loads of confidence, and I love his company. Everything is there, except I just don 't fancy him enough. He has made it clear to me he wants a proper relationship and he is talking about being together for the long term. I fear that if I pass this up, I'll never find anyone quite like him. I know I have made him out to be a bit of a saint here, but he is a very very special man, and everyone that knows him thinks this too, so I wonder why I am not snapping him up pronto! But, there's that little part for me that's missing and it's a physical thing. I'm also quite a sensitive person, and I place a great deal of importance on someone being honest, kind, genuine, loyal, and this man is these in abundance and I know he'd look after me in every way. I've told him I need some space to work out what I want, but he is keen I let him know what I want sooner rather than later, as he says he will be devasted to lose me. So hard to know what to do!

Hmmmm, with hindsight I had a lot of what you said with my ex. Although he (and our relationship) had it's faults he was a nice guy and absolutely doted on me and would have done anything for me, made me laugh etc but I didn't fancy him, or rather I stopped fancying him.

With hindsight I realise how important it is (to me) to lust after someone, to melt when you're kissed, to have butterflies at the thought of meeting them etc. I'm actually much happier being single wondering if I'll ever find that than I was in a relationship which didn't have that.

I'm not sure I've explained myself very well, sorry ?

You have explained perfectly pink han-bag! I think I'm looking for someone to convince me that some things are more important than just physical attraction! But it is important, I know. Which is why I'm in this dilemma!!

Hmmm, I'm sure in someway a lot of things are more important than physical attraction but then I think of things like when you have an arguement and could be shouting at each other but also still lust after each other and have that spark even though you might be thoroughly hacked off with each other. Maybe I have a romanticised view, I'm not sure but I think desire is too important for me personally and a lifetime of just ok and comfortableness isn't enough. Sorry

Thanks for your input ladies. I've got to pop out now so will check the thread again later

Although lust is important, I don't always get it straight away. I don't remember really lusting after my husband when I met him, but after spending time with him, getting to know him, he became more attractive to me, and now I can't keep my hands off him lol

Well, it's a difficult one as he does sound like a lovely guy. I can only say that I realised (in hindsight) that lust was/is actually important to me in a relationship - to feel desired etc. But, you say that he does make you feel like that, just not the other way around. However, my ex didn't have all the other great qualities that your man has, (not caring, not sensitive, didn't give me confidence, was not supportive etc etc), so who's to say that lack of lust on my part would have been more acceptable if he did have those other qualities. I don't know.

Only you can know if this man would make you happy. Run with it for a while and see how you feel. Everything is pretty raw for you still by the sounds of things and it will take time to heal.

I hope things become clearer with time!

This really is a pondering question and something that was on my mind a few weeks ago!

My reasons for why H was the person I could be with for life? One main thing was he was and still is my best friend. The one person I can trust, and I know won't judge me or betray me. Our friendship from the beginning was so easy and comfortable, and I could spend all my time with him and never get bored. The more time I spent with him, my feelings changed into a warm fuzzy thing that I had certainly never had before. My experience of love was lust and physical attraction, with H this grew from a strong foundation.

From a physical thing, I have learnt that this can grow. I have weeks where my H is more like my best friend and weeks where he is a raw male I lust after. However things that don't change are our mutual trust and respect for each other, our relationship is so easy no games, no jealousies, no negatives. This doesn't mean we don't argue, but I think with any conflict we have our friendship foundation really helps with that.

I rambled on there...this works for me but like someone else says there isn't a one size fits all. My brother once said people marry for different reasons, I really think this is true that what works for one doesn't for another.

Oooh wise advice, and very well put. The qualities I was looking for at 25 were different to those I wanted at 35. And though I was a bit bruised from a previous relationship when I met Mr JK, he too was patient, and I thought that that was pretty remarkable. I also knew I wanted children, and I knew Mr JK would make a fab Dad. Which he has.

Don't dismiss him out of hand. Mr JK's Mum once said to me that her mother had suggested that there's a lot to be said for kindness in a man, and it tells when you are pregnant. So true ?

Love isn't always about how bad a partner can make you feel; the magnitude of their ability to hurt you. I think a lot of people do think this. They crave that high/low thing, but I suggest that sometimes the highs only feel that way because the lows are so dreadful. I get my highs in other ways now ?

Madly in love sort of implies the early stages of a relationship to me. I would say that when we got engaged (7 yrs) and then married (9 years) we were deeply in love. Had we been older when we got together then we have married sooner, but we were too young (17 for him and 18 for me). We did however discuss it a lot and we knew we would be together forever so a wedding was just a formality so to speak. There was no surprise proposal, we discussed our finances and decided that we could afford to get engaged and plan a wedding and thats what we did. I chose my own ring, and I had a ball going round all the jewellers trying them all.

We have now been together over 14 years and I would say that I love him, respect him, he is my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, my confidant, my everything. We have loads in common, many similar interests and views on things. Having said that we differ in many ways and have other interests too.

I couldn't think of my life without him. That is not to say it has been easy because it hasn't, we have both worked very hard to get to this stage. I can be a total PITA and so can he, lots of compromises have been made on both sides. And there have been a lot of tears shed too over each other. And I am sure there will be mre in the future. And I am sure I will also come on here saying what a git he is and how unreasonable he is ?

Hi JK - I too am mid-30's and know that my next serious relationship is a really important one, because I really want kids, and I want to be sure I can stay with the father. This guy I'm seeing I know would make an amazing Dad. He has older kids and he is the best Dad ever to them. He has told me he'd be willing to have more kids with me and says that he would be there for me, and make sure he did everything he could to support me and them. This guy has also made such an effort since we've been seeing each other - he's updated his look, got a personal trainer - he always says I'm out of his league and that he wants to make sure I don't go off him! I don't really see it like that, but I have to commend his efforts! I do find him attractive because of his charisma but it's not an animalistic thing. Who knows, maybe that will grow. And it's definitely true that I am probably a little to raw from the divorce stuff to really be in a place where I can commit fully to someone else. It's interesting to hear everyone's viewpoints and it seems we are all different and want different things. I guess what every woman wants is to be loved and cherished, and my bloke definitely does that in huge amounts. I know he really fancies me, so that does make me feel good, but I just wish I fancied him as much back. This is what sparked my question, because I can't remember being with anyone I really fancied all that much - I don't find that many men that really do it for me! Maybe I'm just weird! So I could give up this guy who is totally perfect in every other way, and go in search of Mr Gorgeous, and never find him!

Hmmm, this is such an interesting question.

I think in your situation given all the things this guy has going for him, then you'd be mad not to give it a bash. I dont think lusting after a man is the be all and end all.

Everyone (not on here, just in general) seems to have such a perfect idea of how a relationship should be. This probably comes from all the bloody slushy movies, in real life its not really like that.

Ive enjoyed reading this thread.

Thinking to my recently ended relationship, its kinda hard cos if i was to go thru a checklist for a relationship I know both me and my ex could tick all of them

Share the same values and beliefs - yes

Same sense of humour - yes

My best friend - yes

non judgemental and supported me in all my decisions - yes

who i can be completely at ease with - yes

it makes me wonder whether i'll meet someone who will tick all these boxes again.

Ive kinda sorted my head out now and have set myself some short and medium term goals, if its meant to be, its meant to be.

Hope you sort it out in your head, red berries

Looploo - I totally agree that I think some people want a perfect relationship, and I think chick lit and slushy movies don't help! I think the oldies got it right (my grandparents age group). They found someone they liked, got on with, married them, had kids. I'm sure they didn't have a huge check list like we often do these days! I hope you do find someone else who ticks all your boxes, and them some!

With me and H it was a kind-of 'slow attraction' too. We worked for the same company in different offices but used to see each other at team meetings etc. At the time I was with a long-term boyfriend who I'd been with since I was 17.

I always chatted to my H and found him good company in the pub after the meetings and we always got on well. He always seemed to me like a very shy, polite bloke and from team drinks etc I'd discovered we've a lot in common.

When my and my ex boyfriend split-up I started to become quite close friends with him. I knew he liked me, and I like him a bit by that point too so I invited him to come and spend the weekend with me (we lived in different parts of the county). It was originally intended to just be a bit of fun and a dirty weekend (lol) but as I got to spend more time with him and know him more, I began to fall in love with him. 1 dirty weekend turned into a long-distance relationship.

Our relationship progressed from there. He moved 150 miles away from his friends/family and changed his job to be with me. We got married 5 years ago and have a 2 yr old and another on the way.

We've got an extremely close relationship now, we spend practcially 24/7 together as we both work from home together (our desks are alongside each other!). Anything we do, we do together or as part of our family unit with our son. I know this wouldn't work for everyone, but to me he's everything.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that with us there wasn't that initial 'phowarrr!' reaction, but over the years our relationship has become very strong and stable. We've had some rough times in the past, mainly when we moved in together and we both had a period of adjusting (especially him, as he lived with his parents previously) but we've come through it a lot stronger. I fancy him like mad and for me his caring, sensitive, loving side is what makes me want him more, obviously there is a physical attraction but for me it's more than just 'looking good' IYSWIM, I want a nice bloke too ?

Met MrHalo when we were 16/17. I thought he was very handsome, and was completely soppy about him. I had the butterflies, and stomach flips, as well as he and I having similar interests, similar music tastes, and similar hopes and aspirations for life. We split up.

5 years later we got back together and I got all of the butterflies again, and we still shared similar outlooks on life, we have great conversations, and I can say with absolute sincerity, that he is my best friend.

We had this reading at our wedding. I think it sums up for us, what "love" is to us.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

HH, i think that is a very beautiful reading. Alot of it rings true as well.

If u dont mind me asking, how did you get back together? Had you always kept in touch or did "fate" (if you beleive in it) bring you together again?

I could have written that myself. I love what me and H individually bring to our relationship, it's provided each of us with different interests and outlooks on life and also provides a happy well balanced family for our litle boy to grow up in.

Lost touch, I kept going to birmingham (where he lived, I was in Southampton) for things like concerts, etc. And I kept bumping into him. About 4 or 5 times. In the end he emailed me out of the blue (he'd done some detective work to get my email address, and contacted me through ICQ). He said he'd had some sort of dream or thought that I'd been in a car accident and he felt upset at the prospect. I didn't log into ICQ for a month and if you don't do that it emails you to tell you someone contacted you a month ago. It turns out that on the day he emailed me I had actually been in a shunt in a car park (my car had a dented wing as I was parked at the time, and I was completely uninjured).

I called his Mum (who knew exactly what she was doing ?) gave me his number, so I called him and we had a few chats on the phone. We agreed to meet up after Christmas, and in January 2002 he came down to visit me at uni... and never really left. ?

It was never an effort to be around each other. We were just comfortable in each others company, shared the same (often twisted) sense of humour - but had a lot of different interests too. He is such a perfect gentleman - holds doors open, won't sit at dinner until all ladies are seated ?, is polite, caring, generous, and treats me like a princess (or he would if I would let him). The best thing about him though is that he is not a pushover. If I'm taking the piss, he'll tell me. If I push him too far he'll let me know and give me boundaries.

I think we've only ever had 6 arguments in our entire relationship (I've known him for 12 years now). Some of them over trivial things, others more serious, but we always work it out, and although it's an argument, it never shakes the foundations on which our life is laid. That's solid through mutual trust, love, affection, friendship and respect.

I keep wondering (a recent pastime of mine) whether it does get any better than this. I hope so, but right now I am the happiest I've ever been. I wake up each day feeling that today will be better than yesterday, and excited about tomorrow.

Gosh. What a lot of cheesy fluff. I blame the hormones. ?