Major league BM advice please!

This is so difficult Hun, but I didn't want to read and run. I understand not wantin to betray her trust but I also think, what you feel, that without telling anyone you're letting it happen. Have you spoken to her? I think telling her sister is a good idea but if you think it'll end your friendship you have to weigh up what being a good friend is - in my opinion it's looking out for her whether or not she wants it.

Just want to give you a cuddle over the forum and tell you I think you're doing the right thing xx

Sorry, it's a difficult situation. This is the kind of situation where I apply one of my "rules" to guide me. The rule is "If in doubt, do nothing" and this one rule can save a lot of mistakes.

You are clearly in doubt as to what you should do for the best, so my advice is to do nothing until you become certain of which course of action you should take. I would not tell the sister until you are certain that you must.

Bless you, and good on your for seeing the signs and caring so much about your friend.

When I worked in the UK I was an IDVA (Independent Domestic Violence Advocate), and used to work with women at risk. I totally get your feelings of fear at losing her friendship, but ultimately her safety, and now, the safety of her baby are paramount. It may hurt and be hard for a while, but in the longer term when she reaches a place of safety she will recognise what you did and the reasons why.

Can I ask, is your friend close to her sister? Do you know enough of the sister to believe she will be a help and support in this situation? or is it just that you feel that you can't hold on to this yourself any longer, and she's the only family member you can reach? Either way I'm not saying you're wrong to contact the sister, just that it will have an impact on how your friend may react and as you have said it could be risky if it causes her to shut down.

I don't know where in the country you are, but there are several non-statutory, confidential services you can talk to who will give you support and advice to help you to help your friend if you want to.

The IDVA service I worked for was based in North and North East Lincolnshire, and is called 'It's My Right' -my old colleagues are still there and I would trust those girls with my life, even if you're not in their area they are fairly well networked nationally and may be able to put you in touch with a more local support agency, or they may be willing to offer you support by phone. http://www.itsmyright.co.uk/

Did you know that Womens refuge often have 'floating' support workers, so you don't have to need refuge accommodation to receive safety advice and support from them. www.womensaid.org.uk http://refuge.org.uk/

Finally CAADA (Coordinated Action Against Domestic Abuse) are a brilliant national organisation. They set the national standards for risk assessment and intervention training for police, social services, hospitals and non-statutory services nationally so they really really know their stuff. You can contact them confidentially for advice and to be put into contact with local support agencies. http://www.caada.org.uk/

One immediate suggestion I have is for you to keep a log or diary of the disclosures she is making to you, this will help you to look back objectively to see whether there is any increase in frequency or severity of events, and therefore will help you to be clearer in your decision making of if to tell someone else, and who to tell. It may also come in useful for her if she reaches the point of needing specific details of incidents to male legal applications for her own safety or that of the child.

Good luck, and if there's anything I can do, or anything you want to ask/tell me about confidentially you are more than welcome to contact me privately. I'd be really happy to work with you to come up with some safety strategies you can help her put in place, but obviously you'd need to do that privately and give me a bit more detail for it to be effective. Don't forget to take care of yourself too.

ETA, sorry, but I couldn't disagree more strongly with Paula above. Seek support, ask for advice, - you don't have to 'dob her in' to anyone, but at the very least empower yourself to support her. 'If in doubt - do nothing' is a very dangerous strategy to employ in situations of abuse, not to mention irresponsible when there is a defenceless baby involved.

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded. I know it's a difficult situation, and thank you for taking the time to stop and help.

I absolutely agree with you, YorkshireKiwi. I can't afford to not do anything. I know what it's like to be the person in the relationship, so I know the kind of thing that's running around her head right now. Thank you so much for your suggestions and links. I'll start a diary right away! The biggest problem for me is distance. We live in different cities, and I know there are certain things that she has only told me. What's worse is I know she's starting told hold back because she's beginning to feel like I 'disapprove' of him. That's so dangerous, and I know that she is close to her sisters. The one I have contacted is the 'sensible' one (the other would actively encourage her sister to stay with the abuser I think). Hopefully we can at least get a rounded view of this man's behaviour. Once I can establish what he's like with the family, and how they feel about him, I think I can get the confidence together to take this further. I will contact a couple of these organisations, though in most cases there won't be much they can do until she takes some steps herself.

One day she might understand. I know that. I often wish I'd had someone who took me to one side and given me a wake up call. I would have listened!...but it would have been nice to know that someone was looking out for me

Thank you all so much!

Hey, didnt want to read and run. Im sorry for your friend going through this, and please trust your gut feeling. Please can you make a suprise visit to her? Perhaps when he is at work? Your wedding is a great excuse to get to her, and even get her away from him for a bit. Regarding him saying there is noone to look after the baby for the wedding, hell, bring baby along , give them no excuse for your friend to not attend your day. If you see her in private, try to have it out with her (of course be gentle, leaving a man once pregnant is 100 times more difficult).

My best friend was in an abusive relationship, mental and physical. She was never stopped in going out or anything, and he never got paranoid about other blokes, but he was so screwed up from drugs that he would make her think she was worthless, that she needed him to be happy and strong. As well as that he took all her money and randomly flew off the handle and hurt her. I wish wish I intervened more. I told her to leave him a couple times, and I was there to listen to her, but I feel like I could have done more. It wasnt until the final nail in the coffin happened between them and I was so angry with myself.

Please be like a dog with a bone about this. I wish you and your friend all the best with everything.

I'm so sorry you and your friend are going through this. I can't really offer anything other than the great advice you've already been given. Just a thought you say she helped you when you were in the same situation. Can you follow her lead? Whatever she did to thelp you, she obviously felt was the best way to deal with the situation, could you do the same for her. If she's done it herself she may find it a lot easier to acept when you do it for her.

I really hope you manage to sort this for both of you ?