Marriage lessons - Updated

I would love to go on one of these courses but we aren't getting married in a church nor are we church goers so that idea is out the window ☹️

A friend of mine in work who is getting married next month went to one of these and she thought it was great, she and her h2b started to go out on "dates" again, she didn't mention anything about glasses of wine so that must be a church or england thing ?

Have fun ?

We went to one. It was interesting, but not really anything we didn't know. It was really nice to meet other couples getting married in the same church at a similar time though and to have some time together just concentrating on each other.

I'm not sure I agree with them.... they seem a very dated idea, when one didnt live with ones OH and therefore you were counselled on marriage and relationships and all. Fortunately (for me) Church of Scotland doesnt offer this service. The whole idea just makes me cringe......

I'd be interested to know what you talk about though...

If I remember rightly you do talk about the boring things like finances and stuff but also about not taking each other for granted and making sure you talk things through, basically don't go to bed mad at each other type thing and the most important thing (I think anyway) is to remember to spend time alone together ?

I have heard of this but I thought it was catholic churches that did it more than CofE. Our Vicar has not mentioned it to us, but maybe thats cos we will only be back in the country 3 weeks before the wedding anyway so not much time for a course or anything. To be honest he's probably just glad to see us on the day as there have been quite a few legal issues to sort out already which I think have casued him bit of a headache.

Let us know how it all goes. How many sessions do you have to go to - I have a friend that had to go to 6 sessions with the catholic church. Oh and go easy on the wine in front of the Vicar ?

It's just two (I thought it would be 6ish, but not sure where I got that idea from), both are from 8-9.30. the first is about relationships the second about finances and the ceremony.

It's not held by the vicar, it's held by one of the readers. I don;t think it's surprise the vicar though, he already thinks I'm slightly loopy as I always seem to see him when I'm running for the train (walk/run past church on way to station) whilst shouting out 'Morning!'.

As an "old married" I did one of these courses, just me and J with the minister. It was really worthwhile, and was about us talking through how we would handle certain issues - how many children we wanted, what we'd do if we had a special needs child, if one of us became seriously ill, how we'd make money decisions,

But surely people have these conversations when considering marriage???? Its all part of getting to know one another....We've contemplated situations like the above and discussed them, didnt need a minister there to oversee our discussion...

Us too, we've already discussed all this kind of stuff lots of times. Do some couples not discuss these kind of things by themselves then?

We had them at the end of last year. Two sessions - the first was about the way you come across to your partner, whether you are a doormat or if you are agressive and then we had a massive questionnaire that we each had to fill in that covered all aspects of our lives and relationships. The next session went over what they called 'active listening' and guided you on how to handle disputes and then we went through the results of the questionnaires.
I don't think it's an outdated concept at all, it was all pretty relevant stuff they were discussing. It was more a way of giving you tools to help in your marriage rather than preaching about what you should or shouldn't be doing. Plenty of people don't have these discussions on getting married, it's amazing how many people don't talk about the really important things. If a course like this forces a debate about important issues then that can only be a good thing in my eyes.

I'm amazed by that CD, I can't imagine getting married with someone and NOT having these discussions.

Me neither but it happens. My friend married a Turkish man and never discussed before the wedding whether their children would be brought up as Muslims or not or whether they would continue to live in England or move to Turkey. It probably won't surprise you that they split up after six months....

MY OH and i went on a day course suggested by our Priest, run by "Marriage Care" group which was with about 8-9 other couples, discussions were based around Communication, Commitment & the like. It was quite beneficial in my opinion to discuss and listen to each others views, not just ours but others in the group. I think it can help give you other ways to help your relationship - different ways to look at things that you wouldn't necessarily think of.

I think it's beneficial but that's just me.

We didn't have to go but it was recommended to us.

Gosh, I didn't realise that there was such a lack of communication between couples who are getting married!

This is a really interesting post! I too am getting married in the church of scotland so haven't been offered these lessons. I'm quite glad as I think we would feel uncomfortable analysing our relationship with strangers! I don't want to think about one of us getting ill or that just now! Not that it isn't a good idea to understand how you should work through such difficult times, so I'm not dismissing the idea.

I think whether you talk through things yourselves or with a minister/vicar whatever is important though. My fiance and I have discussed a lot of things and it sounds like we've covered a lot of what you guys have spoken with the church about so that's good

All the best for all your weddings and lessons!

We did this in the run up to thewedding, and it was THE most invaluable part ofthe planning.

We specifically chose one (a lot of churches run them, and there is very, very little to do with religion or God in them) called The Marriage Course because it meant we only discussed stuff with each other.

It made us write down the specifics of stuff that was previously a bit vague, like exactly how housew3ork gets split, going on 'dates' once a week, our differing sex drives, all sorts. Some weeks we had discussed it all before, but I am soglad we recapped in the runup to the wedding.

Update... We had our first lesson tonight. There were 3 other couples all pretty similar circumstances to us (living together for a couple of years, no kids, similar ages). We discussed a few different things, mainly how you should be marrying the person they are today, not the person you want them to be, how annoying little habits are just that, and it doesn't mean they love you any less, what things we couldn't get over, what challenges there'll be over the next few year and later on in our marriage.

We wasn't pushed at all to answer them in front of the group it was more a these are things you should consider.

Overall I thought it was really worthwhile and really reassuring. The lady 'teaching' was really nice, very frank and open.

It was a bit disappointing/surprising that only 4 out of 9 couples invited went along. If you do get the chance to go along to something like this I think you should. If nothing else you've nothing to lose.

(The 2 glasses of wine were nice too?)

I'm please that it was good and you both learnt something.

I'm sorry I was so cynical, I just cant believe that some couples don't communicate like they should.

I think it's very easy for couples to stop comminicating properly. Just because you talk about the day to day stuff doesn't mean you are covering the important stuff.

I don't mean marriage and babies either.

Towards the end of last year, my OH and i went through a very bad patch where i thiought things were fine and he didn't. He didn't tell me until things got so bad we were on the verge of splitting up. There was a lot of stuff going on (like my dad had been diagnosed with cancer) and i was preoccupied with that and in the mean time things were changing with my OH which he wasn't talking about with me.

Thankfully, in the end things came to a head and we did speak properly to each other (after many attempts on my part i hasten to add!) and now here we are a further four months down the line, and happy.

I think the classes are good, not only for the free wine ? but to remind you to communicate properly.

I'm glad the class proved worthwhile in the end for you x

(and hope the above doesn't come across horrible in any way, not what i intend!) x

Good that you got something out of it. I would probably have gone too if we had the oppoortunity. Is it just one class or is there another one?

There's one more next Friday on Finance and the actual ceremony.

I think these are a great idea, and I'd love to have the opportunity to do something like this with dp. We're have a civil ceremony so won't get the opportunity.

I got married to xh when I was just 19, we already had a 3mth old son, and was married for 13 years before it all totally fell to pieces. There were lots of issues (he was violent), but I still think that one of the main reasons we split up was because we took each other for granted and just stopped communicating. We went to Relate, but it was too late by then.

I'm find I'm now really aware of my relationship with dp. I try really hard not to take him for granted, to make sure we get time together on our own and to actually go out together on "dates". Not easy as we both work and have 4 kids between us, but mainly our 2yr old daughter. It's hard to make the time, but you have to I think.

Sarah-Kay - shocked at how many couples just didn't turn up! Do you have to do the lessons or is it optional?

They are optional but it is 'hoped' you'd go to at least one.

I wander if the others wasn't given enough notice as we only got the letter 9 days before?! I don't know how the poor woman would have fit another 5 couples in her house though!