MIL says she's 'just a guest'. So how far do we take this...?

To be honest, it shounds like you'll be in the wrong whatever you do! So I think you should just do what feels right to you. At least then you'll be in the wrong for doing the right thing as opposed to in the wrong for doing the wrong thing

Hope it works out ok xx

Is this woman jealous of you??????

It's a tricky one!! We used to get on brilliantly until I fell pregnant with our first child then she went weird. We know she was desperate to be a granny but she just does things weirdly!

For example at our engagement (put on by my parents) she bought and sent her own invites to her friends??? We'd said they could come and we're waiting to hear how many invites she needed from us. But no, she said it was easier to do herself?

What does your H2B say to her when she says this?

It is a difficult one. I would put her behind the wedding party in the ceremony room, offer her the room and give a deadline for replying and then offer it out for anyone else, buy a bouquet of flowers to acknowledge that she is your mother in law but don't put her on the top table (but put her near it) I don't know if it's a do-able for you as it might inflame the situation, good luck!

Ok: her nose is out of joint about something, possibly the exclusion of her lairy friends, but you need to be the bigger person here.

The MOG/FOG is not officially part of the wedding party as such, however they are the groom's family so get special treatment.

Why are your groomsmen sitting at the front? Are they coming down the aisle American style or are they being ushers UK style? If the latter then they flank the aisle at the back to catch latecomers and direct them to seats. Traditionally only the Best man and groom wait for the bride at the front. The best man gets a seat on the front rom (usually next to parents of the groom) on the right hand front row.

On the left hand front row you woudl have the 'brides party: so bridesmaids, flower girls, Father of the bride on the end of possibley the second row next to your Mum.

So with only 3 seats per row and no left or right, I would have: space for best man and anyone else processing: BMs, flower girls, your Dad, then your Mum and MIL. You don't mention his dad so presume he's not in the picture?

So: Best man and five bridesmaids on front and second row: Your Dad(on the end next to the aisle), Mum and your children on third, Your SIL, MIL and nephew on 4th with their partners behind them.

Stick her on the top table as if nothing has been said. Let her do what she likes for accomodation.

Don't let the fact she is upset about something become a reason for you to give her a reason to be genuinely upset. She's going to be your MIL for the next 40 years: it's really not worth falling out over one day.

Ha ha, sorry but im laughing because my MIL is exactly like this and its so nice to know there are other people out there having these problems

Its awful isnt it. Nothing you will do will be good enough, trust me im in that boat at the moment. My MIL has, the same as yours, said shes just a guest and dont nothing to help us with our wedding but wants her own button hole so show shes mother of the groom. So not to fight ive done that, which is fine

But i hate the fact i have to give her a present infront of everyone when shes done nothing. My mum has done everything for me, paid for stuff and just generally been my mum. So im doing flowers to give each mum but im getting my mum something special that she will get from on the morning of the wedding

My MIL wanted to be in the cars with the bridesmaids but i said no she will get the bus we put on, the same as the other "guests"

Just grit your teeth and do what you feel is best because no matter what she will moan xx

Let her sit where she wants as it not really a big deal, do gifts in private so she can't see what you've given others, then get her nothing. Tell her if she wants a room she needs to let you know and give her a date to do it by.

Basically you don't want to start a war with her but at the same time I wouldn't go out of my way for her either as she doesn't seem to care about the wedding. What's your oh's view?

She sounds like an absolute delight. I am guessing that she is a total control freak who wants everything a certain way and maybe you getting pregnant...cos I bet it was you and nothing to do wiyh him lol....meant she lost control over his life.

Do you think she is jealous or just plain nasty? If she is jealous I would maybe give her a seat near the front and maybe a corsage etc,just to show you are leaving possibility for her to be more than just a guest. If she is spiteful and controlling then I would do things exactly how you want.....she can only win if you agree to play her pathetic game in the first place xx

I'd be careful not to add fuel to the fire but just do what you're comfortable with. I know it must be difficult as I'm sure you want to tell her exactly where to go but this I can imagine will only make things worse. What does you H2B say about it?

THIS.

It would appear that your OH needs to have a proper chat with her at some point about her behaviour, including comments like "it's not like it's a special day". But, that's what I'd expect, and all families are different. Some families just never talk about these things, so that just might never happen.... In a same vein, it's not necessarily worth even having 'a chat' before the wedding, if there's a chance she may escalate following it, rather than compose herself. Maybe food for [future] thought.

Anyway, I wouldn't make the situation worse by acting like a t*** myself. Be the better person. Even if a MIL is "just a guest", it would be rude to kick her off the top table, where the MIL would always be. Ditto, reserving a front (ish) seat for the ceremony. It'd be rude not to.

I agree about keeping gifts (inc flowers) for a private moment. There is no need to do that during the speeches. You can thank your mum and others in the speech, but keep the gifts for private so it's not rubbing it in the MIL's face too much.

Agree with others about the hotel room. Give her a deadline to take it or leave it, and then move on.

I would say sit her where she should be seated, so at the top table/in the ceremony, she still is MOG whether she sees it like that or not.

As for the hotel room/gifts? Personally I wouldn't if I was in your shoes. Don't go bending over backwards getting her a bed for the night or a gift that you put loads of effort into if all you are going to get is a bad attitude. You have asked her if she wants a room, she completely disregarded what you said, so tough, in my eyes, that once chance to bag a bed for the night has well and truely gone.

It's annoying, if she were any other guest saying those awful things to you then she would be uninvited just like that. But of course she is the FMIL, and sometimes, we just have to grit our teeth.

Either that or you could kill her with kindness, then after the wedding she has nothing to whinge about or hold you against...

Thanks all for your opinions :-)

We're thinking of doing groomsmen American style as we're one big social circle and the majority of the groomsmen are the partners of the bridesmaids. We thought it would be quite nice for them to walk together and then be seated together :-) The other groomsmen are my brothers and my BIL.

Were not sure at the moment what we're doing top table as we can't do a traditional one anyway, lol.

I know she's upset that my family is so big and so we take up a lot of room, lol. My OH has his mum, nan and brother and that's it. Not a single other relative. I have lots of aunties, uncles and cousins! Lol. She did originally comment that if I was having 40 family there then she should get 40 invites for her friends. We said no. She then said that I should only have my mum, nan and brother so it was 'fair'. I asked how she suggested I told my dad, brother and SIL they weren't welcome and her words 'not my problem'. Ooooookkkkkkkkkk then........ Lol.

(No FIL as he died when OH was a young child)

I do think the idea of not doing gifts in speeches can work but I really don't think I'm going to 'not thank' anyone to keep her nose in joint. To be blunt there wouldn't be a wedding without my family and our friends. They deserve a special thank you :-)

Plus let's be honest, we're paying for this day ourself (with a bit of help from my parents) so I don't feel like I have to please her.

Oh with regards to she'll be my MIL for 40 years, I'll be honest. OH is seriously considering cutting ties with her due to constant rudeness and hurtful behaviour! We said we'd leave it till after the wedding at least so that she is at her sons wedding. But with recent behaviour she is reasonably lucky to even be allowed at the wedding! Lol

H thanked the maid of honour in his speech even thou she did very little and was a struggle to contact. Thanking her being his mother and bringing him up would be the way forward I think.

I love this idea! I alwys find it's better to carry on being nice coz then it just makes their behaviour look even worse! x

I'd treat her as a guest if that's what she wants to be on the day.

I'd do gifts in private so not to offend her but i'd make no special arrangements for her and would sit her as a normal guests.

She doesn't sound interested at all so i'd be the same in return really.

Oh wow. Just, well, wow.

Keep it 'fair' by excluding your dad and brother from the wedding?

That's beyond an odd suggestion. That's not at all a normal response to such a debate. I don't think I would even bother having a conversation with the lady about this, as that's clearly not a rational thought pattern. You can't debate the intricacies of.... well.....anything, with someone who would suggest that.

I hope you manage to keep a pleasant (but probably very distant) relationship with this lady over the next 50 years. I wouldn't hope for more than that at all. Personally, I would create that space purposely.

Oh one more thing... I reckon you should just remain EXTREMELY excited about YOUR big day when she is around. Her sarky and nasty comments are clearly a way of trying to get you and your h2b in a negative mood, she is looking for a reaction. Just behave like the bad things she says cannot and will not phase you. Hopefully she will get tired of it...

I can just imagine it: MIL, 'Your wedding isn't special', You,'Yes it is SUPER special. We cannot wait, it is going to be THE BEST DAY EVER!!!! I am soooo happy!'

What could she possibly say in response to that? 'No it's not'? If she does just say 'Yes it is'! lol!

I just don't think you can reason with someone like this! I have to say I could not be the better person - if it were me, she would be off the top table, no gifts, no room, no seat at the front. Nothing. I think to do anything otherwise is making a mockery of the people that have been supportive and that deserve 'special treatment'. She's acting like a spoilt child and is making her own bed with her behaviour, so let her lie in it. I recognise that's a hard line to take though and everyone has to do what's right for them. I hope you manage to find a solution you feel comfortable with. You will have a fantastic day regardless.

I really do think that killing her with kindness is the way to go. It would be very easy to give in and treat her with the same disrespect as she has treated you, but I think it will taint your day and you may feel that you were in the wrong later on. Give her the seat she is supposed to have and, as others have said, offer her the hotel room with a deadline, do your gifts privately even if you feel it is necessary to thank people publicly. You can still thank her for being there and you could even offer to welcome her into your large family.

I did wonder if she is jealous of your family, not you so much but the obvious love and support you have for them and they for you. It isn't easy to come into such a family when it isn't something you've known or understood.

Most importantly, don't let anger with her ruin your day - it's really not worth it xxx

Just read this in astonishment!

I would find it very hard to hold my tongue in this situation but as others have suggested try not to let it ruin your day or the build up to it.....she clearly has problems but try not to let it affect you. I say sit her behind the main wedding party and offer her the room but with a clear deadline. In the speeches perhaps she can be thanked as most parents do, but the emphasis must be on thanking the people who have been involved. Publicly she can't be excluded entirely as this may make some guests uncomfortable. And don't let her bad attitude stop you discussing wedding plans in front of her. At the moment your wedding is one of the biggest parts of your life and you should be allowed to enjoy that and be able to talk about it so don't stay quiet because of her. As suggested, if she makes a negative comment just reiterate that it's important to you but try not to be drawn into an argument as you could come off looking bad.

Its really really tricky and I wish there was a solution, but unfortunately if this is her attitude it can't be changed, you just have to rise above it.

Good luck, and please keep us updated xxxxxx

I would do this. I would make her feel really special on the day. Let her moan about it all she wants, but deep down, she will feel incredibly guilty. I'd do the gift, I'd give her a seat at the front and on the top table, I'd even book her the room. She could then never say she had been left out. My Mum is still upset over my brother's wedding 28 years ago because she wasn't included as much as she would've liked. She was pretty nice about it all really, it was just his wife's family that didn't want her involved. I was only a toddler at the time, so I don't remember it.

x

Snowbride, your MIL sounds incredibly difficult. But like other's said I think you have to be the bigger person. Even though she is saying you're wedding is nothing important and she wants to be just treated as a guest I think you do need to be the bigger person. She is the Mother of the Groom and will always be as such and so it would be good to treat her thus, so sitting near the front of the ceremony and on the top table if you have one. I also feel she needs to be thanked and probably given flowers if for no other reason than she is your husband's mother and has brought him up so without her you wouldn't have him. I would probably also keep the room for her. Yes you can give specific thanks to other people and I would also apart from giving flowers give any other gifts privately. I think if you behave in a less than generous matter you will feel bad about it in the future.

I think Bekkijane may have hit on something, saying she may be jealous of your large close, supportive, loving family. She has been a single mum for a long time to two boys and the only other family is her boys nan. I also wonder if she feels she is loosing her son and even feeling the pain of having lost her husband. Is you H's brother married? Does your MIL have issues with social events, it definitely hard when one side is so much larger than the other not that you can do anything about it.

Having read all the posts on this thread what struck me was the size of your family and all those friends all coming before your OHs family, and there's just three of them. She probably feels overwhelmed, overlooked and unimportant. Not excusing her behaviour at all, just trying to see this from her perspective. Her behaviour sounds like defence mechanisms to me. If you cut her off, push her out, bounce her down the ceremony seats and off the top table you're adding to her fears. Using words like its nothing special and she's just another guest is her telling you how she's feeling. Just not very well.

OH needs to talk with her to get to the bottom of it all. But I think you need to think carefully about where and how you position OHs family. His mum should be catered for. She has no one looking out for her. She has no OH for support either. Cut her off and you will regret it in years to come. Mums are important. Some can be horrible yes, but most are just so full of love for their children and fear losing them especially if they have no one to fall back on, and like anyone, their words and actions can be pretty bad. Hope this is the case and that you don't have to go down the route you're thinking.

just offering an alternative view.

Just to add she didn't lose her husband, it was a bit of a weird one. They'd been divorced a while and she hated him, OH wasn't allowed to see him etc (which he says he never minded as he was a horrible person).

But when he died she apparently put her wedding rings back on and played the grieving widow. OH said it's always annoyed him as she hated him before and hadn't seen him in years. But then to the public she was 'I miss my husband'?? She still wears the rings now and mentions randomly how hard being a widow is. It really really annoys OH.

Im not ignoring his family though. His brother is a groomsman and we love his gran!! We don't get to see her much though as MIL has a proper go at her if we see granny without her present. Even if she's working she'll scream at her own mother saying she's pushing her out etc etc. I am disgusted how she speaks to her own mum at times!!

I just thought I'd add to this a few examples of 'issues' we've had over the past few years. I'm kind of hoping it builds up the picture as to why we're so fed up and have contemplated just not seeing her and why my family and friends don't really like her...
When we announced we we're pregnant I was only 6 weeks gone. Her first comment was 'oh right' then 'you will breastfeed, no one will feed my grandchild formula crap'. I laughed and said I hadn't even thought about it and got told 'if you do then your poisoning my grandchild and I will ensure they are not treated with that ***' and walked off?? Yeh that helped the new mummy guilt when I couldn't feed in 9 months time....
Our engagement. She told us she wanted her friends there, we said ok as we had a big venue and asked how many invites she wanted. She didn't need them as she'd already had her own printed saying 'mrs MIL invites you to the engagement party of her son to snow bride'. My bloody parents we're the ones who put on the engagement party as they wanted us to celebrate it!
We asked if she could help (she's a caterer) as we did the food ourselves. She refused. Fine. She turned up after it started (my family and our friends had been there an hour setting up food and decorations with us). Made no comments, brushed past my mum saying hello and just grabbed my son asking if he'd been bored made to sit around watching others work and had 'mean mummy and nanny made him come....???'.
When her friends turned up they all commented on how good the spread was, her response 'well it's handy having a caterer in the family I guess'. I just walked off, I wasn't going to let her ruin our evening!
Then the possessiveness over my son. He was only 4 months so most of the cousins etc hadn't met him yet. At one point I introduced him to my auntie and her family and she asked for a cuddle. I got called away for a photo then so left him cuddling. She then came over and took him straight from my aunties arms saying 'I'm granny, who are you? An auntie? Like I said I'm granny' and walked off. She made one of my best friends cry as she told her she was 'no one and not even a relative so why she was even invited to the party was stupid but there was no way she was getting her grandson'. All she was doing was playing with him! She did similar to 2 other people but no one told me till after as they didn't want me getting angry!!
And obviously the second her last friend left so did she, leaving us with the entire clear up.
My sons 1st birthday we hired a small hall and some soft play. He wanted to play but she wouldn't let him saying he needed cuddles. I told her straight it was his party and if he wanted to play he was going to play. She told me off saying it was her grandson and she'd do what she 'bloody well liked'. I told her I was his mother and left her sulking. Granny (in law) had recently had a tumble but we we're thrilled she was there! We set her up in a comfy seat by the soft play so she could enjoy the kids. At one point she commented to my mum she was hungry but would struggle to get to the buffet. My mum told her not to be silly and she'd go get a plate for her. MIL spotted she was doing this and very loudly declared if her mother was too 'fat ass lazy' to get her own food she didn't deserve any. OH told his mum to be quiet and granny was only recently able to get up at all and she kicked off asking why is it all about granny and demanded to know why my mum wasn't serving her? My mum gave granny the plate and then got an earful from MIL demanding where her plate was and what kind of future family member was my mum...? My mum just walked off and OH told MIL to please stop it. She sulked for 5 minutes then left missing his cake and taking granny with her even though she wanted to stay. She played the 'no one wants me here, everyone is horrible to me' card...?
When we spoke to her afterwards she acted like nothing had happened and we we're being silly.
So yeh.....

Erm...your MIL doesn't sound very well. My mum suffers from mental illness and can say very mean things to people and can be very unaware of her behaviour. Luckily, most of the family/friends understand and don't take it personally. I do think your MIL is suffering - this is not normal, rational behaviour and she needs help. I completely understand how difficult it must be for you, and perhaps there isn't time now for your OH to properly get it sorted out but maybe in the future this is something that needs to happen. As for how you deal with her at the wedding, you need to ignore her comments and just treat her with respect - I suspect she doesn't really know what she is saying as it can often be a reflection of how she is feeling (as Pammy said). Do the gifts in private and thank both sets of parents in the speeches. Sit her at the front - if she wants to move herself then let her but it's her choice. Sit her with SIL and any other family she has during the meal. Basically you want people around her who know her and can "keep an eye". You have to be extremely patient with someone like this - believe me I know! I also wouldn't tell her to much either - when my mum is on a "downer" I just don't tell her anything about my life so she can't comment and then upset me. Don't worry, just keep things simple.

Oh my gosh, I don't even know what to say to that... I think first and foremost your OH needs to have a frank discussion with her about how she feels and the way she behaves. Then work out whether you want to treat her as MOG or 'just a guest' at your wedding... I was fully on the kill her with kindness team, but having read that great long list of her crazy behaviour, I just don't know now.

Oh my goodness, reading this I really feel for you. I have very serious MIL issues myself and can really empathise.

Advice?

Hold on tight to your OH emotionally. He's what it is all about and you are not alone there. Talk to him, but do not let her come up in every conversation and issue concerning the big day.

Dont give her too much information up front as it will be challenged

Whatever you do will be wrong - accept this! Don't waste time trying to get it all right

On the day remember the tens of people who are all on yours and your OH side

Be kind. It may be undeserved, but you can rest assured knowing you always did the right thing

It's not easy to do the above and I know this! Have struggled since our engagement to cope with mine and have fought to not have the whole thing ruined. If we weren't getting married then OH would disown her, but we don't want our special day to always be marred by her non attendance.

Hold on tight!

Daisy x

Thank you guys, we have too discussed about something being 'up', but how on earth do you get someone help who just thinks it's all our fault?

Daisy, it's nice to know we're not alone with these issues!

We are yet to explain that we're having a small legal ceremony in the morning with just direct family and bridesmaids / groomsmen present (her included obv) with no dress / flowers / photos or rings. Then our actual wedding is in the afternoon. I don't think she will 'get it' and wouldn't be overly surprised if she refused to attend the morning bit. Or turn up and insist on photos or something? We don't want any of that and no one else has questioned this, yet...

Sorry to hear about all of the issues you are having. I can't help but think you should take her at her word, it might help teach her to be less of a brat! Ok she might be jealous of you and your family but that's not your fault. When people start being all martyr like then l am a big fan of letting them get on with it. She is being very mean about her sons wedding day. Her behaviour sounds generally disgusting and very selfish. Can't believe some of the stuff she has come out with.