Mother let girl sleep with man

It's a tricky one. Let's face it, many (if not most) 14-year-olds have sex without their parents' knowledge or consent.

Very tricky, my Mum always said she would rather know what we were doing than us lie to her, that said I didn't sleep with anyone until I was 16 but now 14 seems scarily common place.

To be honest in that position although I would rather it didn't happen I would rather my daughter confide in me and me be able to give her good advice about safe sex etc etc than lie to me and maybe get up to far riskier behaviour.

And that's the way it should be. ?

I can see both sides, but still think the mother should be sending a stronger message. She says "you can't lock them away until they're 16", well, actually you can, as guardian it's your legal right to (within reason) - my parents considered it good parenting.

I appreciate it is hard to control a teenager but the age difference is utterly inappropriate - big difference than say a 14 year old sleeping with another 14 or 15 year old.

If it had been my daughter, and her and the man were not willing to end the relationship, I'd have gone to the police myself, I think. You don't protect a child by leaving them in harm's way.

My mother let my 19year old boyfriend stay over regularly when I was 14. If he wasn't staying at mine I was at his. I suppose at least she knew I was safe after running away aged 13 to be with a drug addict boyfriend.

I dread to think about what could have happened to many of my boyfriends I had when under 16 if the authorities found out. I lost my virginity to a 23year old. I told him I was 17 and I wasn't.

The mother doesn't sound the brightest . . . "I felt I was behind a rock and a hard place."

? ?

I'd probably have stayed there rather than blabbing it all over the tabloids.

I think that is how I feel. I would rather my daughter confide in me. I would not be happy with it but as others have said, how many 14 year old girls do, do it without their parents knowledge.

I think what struck me is the need to have it on the news. I suspect she is not the only mother in the world who is doing this?

Quite. I feel deeply uncomfortable about a 22 year old man hanging around with 14 year old girls who are going to be (on the whole) much more vulnerable and easy to lead. If it was one of her peers, say a 16 year old boy, then the 'sex offender' charge would be, in my opinion, well over the top, and I could understand the mother wanting things to be controlled under her own roof rather than having them god knows where. 22 though? Not appropriate at all and in fact very worrying. And I speak as someone who, when I was 14, of course was eyeing up much older blokes and thinking they were fair game without realising how badly I could be controlled and manipulated.

What Zebra said. Of course I'd rather my daughter felt able to confide in me but the age difference in this case was significant. I'd be thinking seriously about telling the police myself as well.

When I was at school my best friend had a relationship with an older guy. They got together when she was 13, he was 23, starting sleeping together when she was 14 and he stayed over regularly at her house. For me and other friends it wasn't particularly weird that he was so much older, but we did find it odd that her mother allowed him to stay over. I'm surprised with the number of people she told about her relationship that the Police/Social Services were never called!

Just to add to the debate, what if the girl was 15 or 16 and the man was 25? Would you feel differently then?

I don't think I could allow it under my roof and I'm sure my husband wouldn't allow. fro a start it's illegal and I would stress thisto my daughter and her 'boyfriend'. I wuld stress to them both that if I found out that they had had sex then I would report the 'boyfriend' to the police. I wouldalso do everything in my power to stop them seeing each other. I know it probably means the meetings and ultimately sex would take place outside of my control but as my daughter is only 8, I have enough time to teach her the importance of waiting until the right time (and by this I mean when she is older enough not only legally but also mature enough to handle any fall out)

well if the girl was 16, its all irrelevant as she s the age of consent.

i also think "mother LET man sleep with daughter" is very misleading. ultimately, as sophie said, she wouldnt have been able to stop her anyway. the one at fault here in my view is not the mother, its the guy. wtf was he thinking?

Couldn't agree more, most of the lads I knew at 22 wouldn't have gone near a 14 year old girl.

Hmm my parents allowed (sort of) my bf to stay with me when I was 15 and he was 19. I was quite mature for my age as was bf so he could easily have been older if that makes sense?

Recently there have been issues with one of my sisters (who is very immature for her age) and boys. My parents are much stricter on her and I find it hard to imagine her with someone especially older. In fact the other day a sort of friend of mine (very slightly younger than me) was with his girlfriend and we were chatting and they stayed over together (not at our house) and it was only later I found out she is only 15 (maybe 16) which is still illegal over here. Whether her parents knew where she was or not I don't know but there are people in my sister's year whose parents have been letting them stay at their bfs since they were about 12/13. Then again, you don't have to sleep over somewhere to be having sex.

While the law is obviously there for a reason I do think much of this sort of thing goes on under the radar even with a gap similar to 15/22 as it often depends on the people involved.

Also we never ever ever had sex when my parents were there so the whole them letting him stay over thing had nothing to do with that anyway ?

<sweeping statement and I appreciate there may be expections> I think what the guy is thinking NickJ is that he's got a nice teenage girl to play with, someone who is easy to manipulate, provide hero worship... I think a guy can be caught out (think Trainspotting ?, the issue is when they pursue the relationship.

A 15 year old and a 25 year old - still wrong. A 16 year old and a 25 year old - probably wrong too but the girl could be independent, left school working by then, and they aren't breaking the law, so what can you do?

I'm not sure why a girl "confiding" in a parent is going to help if they don't take the parent's advice and the parent doesn't act to protect the child. Confidence is great, lovely concept, let's all be friends with our mothers; but a friend is not what a mother's primary role is to a 14 year old girl.

For me, regardless of what teenagers get up to in secret at 14 (I wasn't sleeping with boys at 14 and I'm 100% positive my son's not), there is no way I would allow a 14 year old to have sex with their boyfriend or girlfriend in my house. It's my responsibility as a parent to ensure they have a safe, secure and loving home, not to condone and allow them to have under age sex.

However, what on earth a 22 year old man is doing with a 14 year old girl is beyond me. She's still a child, regardless of anything else, and the mother sounds like an imbecile.

He was probably thinking, 'yaaaaaaaay', 'wooooooo' and 'I'll not get caught, this happens pretty often'. ?

The problem is, many girls are perfectly ready to understand the consent issues and deal with the emotional aspects and risks associated with sexual relationships at the age of 15, 14, 13 or younger, whereas some girls tend to reach such maturity at 16 or later. The problem the law has is to try to walk the line between protecting the vulnerable, whilst not being over protective to those who are equipped to handle a sex life. It simply can't win and while 16 seems a little out-dated as a boundary, there are mamny political reasons as to why it will not be lowered any time soon.

As for the type of men who'd get involved in underage sex (and of course, it is not always 'older man preys on young girl scenario, but for the present purposes let's suppose it is)..........I think that in many cases, there is something very odd about an adult man, especially one who is of beyond school/ college age, wanting to have a sexual relationship with a 14 year old, yet when i see my friend's beautiful daughter (just turned 14) getting ready to meet her chums on saturday, I can see exactly how a man could be captivated by such beauty. We all know the age of consent is 16 and imo anyone over 16 who knowingly or recklessly breaches that should take the consequences. However, circumstances are different in each case and I think it seems unfair and a bit of misnomer to label all such perpetrators as 'sex offenders' or paedophiles, which seems to me (perhaps very wrongly) to be something quite quite different and to undermine the very specific issues which genuine 'sex crimes' raise.

Edited to add that I feel desperately sorry for the mother who would be damned if she did and damned if she didn't in this case.

My thoughts too.

Many of my friends, when we were 18 / 19, had relationships with girls just the wrong side of legal. These were intelligent, well-educated young women. There was nothing remotely weird or predatory about it, but these days, they'd all be signing the sex offenders register.

"16" is seeming more and more arbitrary as the years go by, particularly where the concept of "consent" is concerned.

Interesting. zeb, this is all about social norms (to an extent the law of course), and as you know, in numerous cultures, its perfectly fine to be shagging at 14, or even married. whilst you qualified your remarks, i think its a little unfair to suggest that his aim was to manipulate her - lets face it, none of us know the exact situation do we? they may be madly in love for all we know. she may have the emotional maturity of a 21+ year old, who knows?

WHHS, Although the if the mother had stopped her/forbid her from seeing him, would she of just gone behind her mum's back? Im not speaking for every 14 year old girl here, but i know most would. Very tricky

WHHS, Although the if the mother had stopped her/forbid her from seeing him, would she of just gone behind her mum's back? Im not speaking for every 14 year old girl here, but i know most would. Very tricky

Of course the other possibility (which I believe is he case with many "paedophiles") is that the man could be of low emotional intelligence/maturity, and find women his own age intimidating and incomprehensible.

This reminds me slightly of that mother that let her daughter sleep with an older man in bali or somewhere like that early last year...can't remember if the girl was murdered or not...I know something happned?

I see what you're saying HH but suppose you have a mature 14 yo and an immature/naive 22 yo? In the situation I was talking about the girl seemed quite mature, certainly looked about 18 or so and the man is lovely if a little immature and free spirited. I am fairly sure there is nothing sordid or manipulative going on, just that he happened to meet her, they were single and got on and started going out with each other.

I know in a case where there was an immature 23 yo offering sex to (and vice versa) to an immature 13/14 yo. While nothing happened social services became involved to try and keep them apart as the 14 yo was convinced 23 yo was the love of her life etc etc even though they weren't in a relationship - he just wanted her to stay at his house one night to have sex. The ss admitted that even if they did have sex the local police probably wouldn't be interested anyway and so it was up to the parents to keep them apart (though the ss had a word in the 2 parties' ears as it were).

Perhaps but if she had the emotional maturity of a 21 year old, would she be thinking that a 22 year old man who fancied 14 year girls was attractive? ? The fact that the police/state thought the man was worth pursuing through the courts, I suspect she wasn't mature (I mean, this isn't an uncommon situation, most cases don't get this far).

I get your point and I get LouM etc who say that not all men should be labelled as pedophiles - I'm very uncomfortable with an age 16 years being the cut off point for a girl being pedophile bait or consenting adult. I really like the idea (implemented in some countries, I think?) where a 14 year old girl can have consenting sex with a boy of similar age (say 3-year gap) , but that a man of 10 years older is breaking the law. The age disparity law alters as the age of the partners increases. That way you have some protection without labeling a healthy sexual relationship.

Well, what if the 25 year old man was a secondary school teacher and the just 16 year old a lower sixth former? Is that wrong?

If he was her teacher, yes, since he's not allowed to have relationships with students.

I'm a little unclear as to the point you're trying to make, Clairy.

WHHS

When I read threads like this, it really enforces that I must have grown up in a complete bubble. I hadn't even thought about kissing a boy at 14, never mind having sex, 14 or 22 or otherwise! It was five years later for me before I even had my first boyfriend, although he was 34. ?

There are some very grown up and streetwise 14 year olds who can pass as much older (not sure about this case as I haven't read the article) and I know some girls on here have said they slept with much older boys/men than them in their youth.

Oh, HH, it's very difficult for me to be impartial in these situations. Ex Mr Clairy did a runner with a 16 year old student of his. Apparently they started sleeping together the day after she turned 16, which was impossible to prove. He lost his job and was the subject of a police and social services investigation but, TBH, I never heard from him again and I don't know what the outcome was.

He was a very manipulative person, and was also violent. Knowing him like I did, I am sure that it wasn't an equal relationship. He made several comments to be about being angry that she wasn't "pure" because he wasn't her first boyfriend. That set alarm bells ringing - but as I have said before, he was a looper anyway.

The needy part of me wanted you all to say "ooh that's bad" because what usually happens is that everyone says "oh 16 year olds are so alluring.." and that makes me a bit uncomfortable ?

On a serious point though, I think remembering what you were like as a teenage girl, once you have matured into an adult, is quite dangerous because you can be over nostalgic and over estimate how mature you actually were. I thought I knew about everything when I was 16. Yet I see 16 year olds that I teach and they are vulnerable, moreso because if they are overly confident. It would be easy for many of them to be manipulated by someone who saw fit, especially as they are trying to assert their independence.

Zeb - I hadn't heard of that law, but it sounds much more sensible to me.