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Mother troubles :( am so sad

MrsRToBe, 16 April, 2010 at 19:51 Posted on Planning 0 10

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Hey ladies. Am in need of a pick me up/advice/anyone who is willing to listen.

I am so sad today Me and OH got engaged at Xmas, I'm finishing up uni at the minute so we're looking to plan wedding for end of next year hopefully. I've had a lot of drama with my Mother over the years, culminating in her being completely absent from my life for 5 years, she just totally disappeared when I was 14 and left me with my Dad. We're back in touch (all my doing may i add, and not one word of explanation or apology from her). In all the time she was gone she contacted no one, my Grandmother went to the trouble of hiring a private investigator to try and find her, to no avail. I often wonder if she would've ever tried to find us. Anyway, my brother is expecting a baby any day now, and she is supposed to be coming over to see the baby (turns out in those years of disappearing she decided to move to Spain), and I was planning on talking over weddingy things with her. But when i emailed her asking her to confirm dates etc I told her it didn't seem like she was very interested. She replied saying she had no expectations of any relationship with either of us past seeing the baby, and even wrote 'no plans for major events'. I'm sad for my brother having to read this when the birth of his daughter is so close, and sad for me that she clearly doesn't want anything to do with or have any expectation to attend 'major events' in my life, i.e. the wedding.

Our non existent relationship has worried me ever since I got engaged, but now having being told that I am heartbroken. Why has she rejected me in such a cold way? And now i'm completely lost. No matter how many tears she has caused, I never imagined she wouldn't be there. I'm torn in two - one part of me heart broken, the other so angry and hurt that I just want to cut her out of my life completely now.

I just am so sad, and do not know where to go now. I'm very tempted to just run off with my OH and get married alone. Be so much easier than all of this.

If you've read this far, you deserve a medal.

Jenn

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Latest activity by debmci, 16 April, 2010 at 20:40

Beginner May 2011
Curly Panda · 16 April, 2010 at 19:53
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Oh honey thats so sad have one of these ? xx
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MrsRToBe · 16 April, 2010 at 19:56
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Thank you. I needed one of those! Am alone now too, OH is working and i'm working all weekend. I just went to the shop and bought red wine and one of those arctic roll ice cream things. Classy night ahead of me.
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Beginner January 2010
Mrs S* · 16 April, 2010 at 19:57
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If I was you I would try to forget that I ever made contact. I know this may not be what you want to hear but she is making you unhappy and there is no need for it. You will have a wonderful wedding without her.
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Beginner August 2011
Lola88 · 16 April, 2010 at 19:57
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Aww love, that really not nice. I'd like to tell you to go with the angry part of you and cut her out, but I can understand that won't fix the broken part.

I am sorry to hear that she has hurt you, and no doubt your brother.

Sending big hugs your way xxx
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Beginner October 2011
Allgold78 · 16 April, 2010 at 20:12
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Ahhh hunni I'm so sorry, what a horrible position to be in when there are so many happy things going on in your lives. I do echo what Mrs Spink says though. I would cut her out completely. She's not showing you the compassion and care that you are showing her. You will end up drained and resenting all this effort when it doesn't seem likely that you will ever get a fraction of it back. Not what you want to hear I know xxx

Whatever you do though don't run off and have a quick quiet wedding if it's not what you and OH truly want. If it's not what you want you'll end up with the memories of the day being full of your mum and for the wrong reasons. You'll always look back on what you had as your big day and why and your wedding day should only provide you with happy memories. Go on ahead and plan your wedding for what you consider to be your dream day. She's the one missing out, not you

?
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Beginner October 2011
superlauren321 · 16 April, 2010 at 20:12
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Dont really know what to say tbh, but the night you have planned sounds like it might be just what you need xxx
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AutumnRose · 16 April, 2010 at 20:17
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Oh i'm so sorry. I'm not sure i have anything helpful to say but i just wanted to send a hug. Xxx
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Beginner July 2010
budgetbabe · 16 April, 2010 at 20:18
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Aw chick, i feel really bad for you! ☹️

the only advice i can give you is to just leave her be.... dont fret about her as she obv isnt bothering with you or your brother. Im not saying totally cut her off (although i can understand that might actually be easier for you), but just stop expecting her to act like a mum - by the sounds of things she stopped doing that when you were 14 - and just condition yourself to think, and treat her, like a distant relative.

You said that you always imagined her to be there on your big day, but the most important people WILL be there - the people who love you and your OH and genuinely WANT to share your day and celebrate with you.

Hey, i know its a rubbish situation to be in but the sooner you just get it all out of your system and move on, the happier you can be. Big hug - and just so you know red wine is good for the heart and artic roll is good for the soul...... xxxxx
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MrsRToBe · 16 April, 2010 at 20:21
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Thank you for all the hugs and general loveliness I'm just going to try and put it to the back of my mind for now, try and relax a bit. TBH OH is so frustrated with the whole situation i'm not sure he'd even want her to be there.

Louise - Arctic Roll is making me very happy right now. If i could, i would share it with all of you for being so kind
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Stazzle · 16 April, 2010 at 20:27
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That must have been really hard for you. ?

I think you've made it clear you'd like her there at your wedding, which in turn was obviously an olive branch. If she's just flatly turned it down like that then frankly I agree with Mrs Spink to be - forget about it because ultimately it's her loss, not yours. You seem lovely and completely do not deserve that, but all it's going to do is hurt you more if you keep dwelling on it or pushing it with her. You deserve much better. She will realise that one day, mark my words - what goes around comes around. And yes your wedding will be fabulous!

We are all here if you ever want to chat ?

Oh, and I'm pretty much doing the same tonight...we were supposed to go out but OH is ill so I'm cracking on to wine and pizza, just because it's Friday! Nothing wrong with that ?
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debmci · 16 April, 2010 at 20:40
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Aw i dunno what 2 say pet!

Maybe when shes home now u will get talking to her and might be able to work something out. Maybe she feels bad inside and doesnt want to show it so putting on a really hard side. Well sounds like your gran and you are close so go and have a good weddingy chat with her!
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Mother troubles :( am so sad

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