Mothers!

Hi, I am not having problems with my mother, however I have heard a few people that have/are. Parents can be a big problem when planning guest lists, YOU WILL NEVER PLEASE EVERYONE! Stick to your guns, invite who you and OH want to invite, explain to your mum that you have a budget that you have to stick to, and you only want a few close family members/friends to attend. I know its easy for me to say, but try not to let it get to you too much, the wedding itself is stressful enough. x

Thank you. A couple of close friends have said the same. Ive tried reasoning with her, but its getting to the point already where we will just go ahead with everything anyway and she will just have to deal with it. Im not even mentioning the wedding word to her again, so will be difficult to tell her the date has changed by 3 weeks!! I think at least she probably wont mind because it is bank holiday and easier to travel then.

My mum was the same and didn't speak to me for a few weeks. Apparently only inviting 33 guests from her side (leaving me with about 10 friends) means she won't have anyone from her side at the wedding. You have to stick to your guns and she has to accept that it's your day. It will get easier - my mum still brings it up but I can tell her straight now and just don't let her get away with it.

Its the future MIL for me. She's not being demanding (yet) but she looked after our kids whilst we went to view to venue (and book it). H2B and I came back absolutely full of beans and excitement and told her we'd booked it and the date and the reply we got? 'That'll cost you a fortune', no congrats, no 'I'm really pleased for you!' nothing.

I do think when it's time to make the guest list she'll soon chime in though! ?

Yup, mine too. Apparently there were none of her family invited (apart from my great aunt and 2 of her cousins plus partners!) and only a couple of her friends so when we drew the line at friends they've had for less than 2 years that neither me or OH have met it caused a huge battle and, get this, we were told "that's totally unfair of you, you're inviting friends that we've never met." The ones they were referring to were a couple of my OH's uni mates and the best man's W2B!! OH's parents had met all of them though.

There are some battles you'll never win so decided if this is one you're really willing to fight for. Could they be invited just as evening guests or suggest your mum pays for any extras she's insisting on?

As for dress fitting my mum thought the same as your's that it's something "mothers and daughters do" however I did not want my mum to try to persuade me to buy something that she had "always imagined" me in. I invited my CBM along as she is a very good mediator and will support my choices whatever they are (unless I looked like a total berk). Then my Mum invited one of my other BMs along and further down the line complained that she had had to share the experience too much!!!!

It's very difficult containing an excitable mother. It wasn't until I had blown my top at my Dad that she was ruining my wedding planning and making it all about her that things changed. I left it too long so that it caused problems but on the day all the little squabbles we'd had along the way paled into insignificance.

Are your parents making any financial contribution towards your big day? It's just often people think that paying gives them the right to control every aspect of your day.

Regardless of whether they're paying for everything or nothing, only you and your OH make any final decisions about anything relating to your day.

Your story is not uncommon - unfortunately standing up to her and saying firmly but politely "leave us alone, it's our day not yours" until she gets the message is pretty much your only option.

No my mum isnt paying for the venue, she wants to pay towards the dress and comes out with comments like, but its your decision! and i reply, yes it is! i have also had the issue of comments of how much?! its not as much as some of my friends weddings so im not worried and its where we both love!

I tried suggesting the great aunt comes to the evening reception, which is what my nan suggested too, (her own sister and husband and all her family!) but mum said she probably wont come to just the evening reception, my partner stated well that will show how important it is to them to celebrate with us then. My mum knows that they will more than likely be invited to the whole day, but still moans about it! i have even told her that we will make a decision on who is attending the full day, based on closest family, who has been there for us in difficult times and who we regularly have seen over the past and next 12 months. She just disagrees and doesnt get it!! At least dad agrees with me and we just discuss it anyway! she didnt like my honeymoon suggestion of a trip to oz and new zealand, saying i have to visit family ther - its likely they will be at the wedding so i wont be waiting for them to travel back!

I think we have the same mother. This is exactly what I've said. Being related does not merit an invite. Being there for either me or my H2B through difficult times, or helping us celebrate the good times, does merit an invite.

Thank you! good job she cant see what i write! lol! at least its off my chest and we are pleasing ourselves anyway.!

nice website ajdown, looks like you had a good day! congratulations to you both

I have to say I don't have this problem (my mum is more than happy to just go along with whatever we decide and mil2b isn't interested in the slightest) but I have heard this story so many times! You definitely need to tell her in no uncertain terms that it's your day and you will do it how you want it, if she doesn't like it then tough. If you were to invite everybody who was remotely related to you it would cost the earth!! I'm limiting my guests to people who we actually see too, why invite (and pay for!) people we hardly know, relation or not?!

Absolutely! mum seems to think that there will be a certain amount from either parents family will be going! it just doesnt work like that! she disagrees!

When my mum got married she was allowed to invite "10 friends" and she barely knew anyone there so shes pretty hell bent on me having who I want there - were inviting some of her friends and people i dont know THAT well because i think she would have liked them to go even though she wont say, so im lucky in that respect. mum does have her "you will have the best" head on, which is great for th parts she is paying for but not so much for the parts im paying for lol

i think it depends what kind of r/s you have with your mother, for example i WANT her to be there when i try on dresses and i wouldnt dare not run anything past her eyes before deciding on it because i value her opinion so much. but i cant imagine having a mother who wants full control, but i know it made her day hard

have you tried talking to her? does she know how much she is stressing you out?

I dont understand why she is getting so funny, she has fallen out with her sister and wants nothing to do with mum or the family any more so i think shes taking it out on us all, i did mention this and she seemed to change her mood, but after a week of no communication im not sure if its just sulking or thinking how she is being with us all. i guess i can count myself lucky i dont have to see her much, not like my dad and brother who is at home still.

I have been married before and it just happened that my m.i.l went with me to find a dress and found one, we were both off and mum was working alot so just went to have a browse. but found a dress and mum has always hated that as she didnt like my ex m.i.l so hated the fact i found one with her. she is adamant i find one with her!!! What I am doing is going on my own to look at dresses and if i find one i like i take mum along for another try on. That doesnt stop the moaning!! but im learning to switch off!! i think out of about 35 dresses we only both agree on 1 and thats not my favourite!

This is what I did. Not on purpose, just found my dress while looking for bm dresses and knew my mum would have been devastated if I'd bought it without her there to share that moment (I'm her only child). The shop let me put a holding deposit down on it and kept it for a couple of days until I could take her up to see it.

As for inviting her friends, or her family, that you don't know, why not just tell her if she wants them there so badly then they can have an evening invite, so they're still involved, but you're not out of pocket for the privilige! I'm doing that too, my dad doesn't speak to anyone in the family so I'm inviting a handful of his friends to the evening so he has people to socialise with without it being uncomfortable, but not a chance would I be inviting anyone I don't know to the ceremony and meal!

I nipped it in the bud very early on, in fact before we'd announced it to most people. They aren't contributing and don't have many friends so it makes it a tad easier. Every time we'd made a decision on colour scheme, flowers etc, my mom was telling most of the UK, so I told her politely to button it, and now she has gone the other way and when people ask how it's going, she just says she doesn't know. Wierd I know.

I have however involved her in mine / bm's dress trying on and taken her to choose her outfit but she's that fussy I think it will take a few trips. At least it's a day out for her.

My mil doesn't even know we're getting married yet and by the time she wants to stick her two pennies worth in, it will all be organised.

Well done *porsche* good thinking, im sure your mum is quietly thinking she does want to know really. Im seeing my mother later and unless she brings up the wedding word im not mentioning it!

I know how you feel debs35. My mum is also driving me crazy. But as she and my dad are paying for most of the wedding (they have always been adamant about this) I can't tell her to stop it! If we were paying we would be having half the number of guests, but no, we have to invite all my cousins, even the ones I don't actually know very well, and a load of mum's friends! I just figure that I don't really have to speak to most of these people on the day if I don't want to so it doesn't really matter. OH and I are paying for some things - partly so that we can have complete control of these things. But my Mum actually moaned about us paying for some stuff!! You'd think she'd be pleased! I am going dress shopping with her on saturday (all my BMs live along way away) and I am slightly worried about it... She's staying with me for the whole weekend, so watch out for a big moan on Monday!

Good luck with that ladyzoot. whatever your mum says just get the dress you want anyway! i will be! my visit to my mums tonight was actually quite pleasant. we talked a bit about wedding stuff about some ideas and i was surprised how relaxed she was! i would have ignored her anyway if she had started again! thats how i'll be from now on! its not worth the stress. let them moan then do what you want anyway!!