Mum trouble :(

Hi and congrats on your engagement. I'm sorry to read that you're feeling so miserable at the moment, hopefully if you get these two problems sorted out you can start to enjoy it a bit more. It really does get a lot better!

Problem number 1 might not even be a problem - you won't know if it's a problem or not until you tell your mum. I think the fact that your brother is happy with the idea of her being your bridesmaid is great and should hopefully give a bit of confidence in telling your mum. If she knows that your brother is ok with it then she'll probably be fine as well.

As for problem number 2, it's obviously put you in an awkward situation. Unfortunately, it comes down to what's more important to you - having (only) the bridesmaids that you want or making your Nan feel better. Your mum might be putting pressure on you because she's feeling pressure from your Nan. Can you talk to your Nan about this? She's obviously made this suggestion because she knows that it would make your cousins feel good, but maybe doesn't realise that you don't want them, or your reasons for that. Maybe a little chat might help make your decision easier.

Hi Amy,

Congratulations!! I got engaged at Christmas too. Its so exciting but yes, totally agree the pressure of trying to keep everyone happy is overwhelming.

I agree/echo what the bride above my post said (I can't see it now I've started writing).

Number 1, could be no drama, again as said above and maybe you are over thinking it. Maybe prepare in your head how you could handle it in worst case scenario ie. your mum really doesn't want your nieces mum to be BM.

Would you still go ahead with your choice if your mum does have strong reasons against? Knowing clearly how you could handle it may help you if the worst case does happen.

But, that said, I really don't think from what you've said your mum will have a issue with it, as like you say it really would be your brother who would be affected most.

Problem 2 is a bit tougher

We are having my friend's daughter who is five, my nephew who is 2 and my OHs nephew who is 8. My sister and my school friend.

Anyway back to your young BM dilemma.

Does your Nan know you are already having your niece and daughter?

I think when you say You may already know in your heart that you don't want them and I think you shouldn't feel pressured. The difficult part is to tell your Nan and Mum and letting them down gently.

Maybe find another role for them. I don't have kids and not really sure about children's public reading aged 10 but could they both share reading you a poem/prayer.

They can still have nice dresses bought by your nan. I know its not the same but I am a firm believer in sticking to your guns.

Let us know what you decide x

Reading this I feel like I'm in a similar situation but a year down the line.. I am getting married this summer and have felt the same desire to please my mum.

Giving in to pressure has meant that I haven't invited certain people (her choices) and have put her needs first E.G. we chose my dress in the first shop we went into and she has been to about 9 to choose hers.

Ultimately I think you need to be strong, try to keep what you want in your mind but find a way to be diplomatic and get others to agree with you. If I could go back and do the planning again I would've fought my corner a bit more. At the end of the day, you don't want to miss your bridesmaid on the big day, just because your mum would've been disapproving at first.

Just an opinion, good luck with your planning xxx

Welcome to hitched and congrats on your engagement! Talking about these things can sometimes help and give you new perspectives and hitched is great for that. My thoughts are

Number 1 - bite the bullet and tell your mum as soon as you can. She might be fine about it and then you will have worried for nothing. Even if she's not, explain your decision, tell your brother she's fine and just stick to your guns, she'll get used to it.

Number 2 - I'd make them flower girls if it were me. If it's important to your nan and your mum and they'll pay for the dress it doesn't really matter. Flower girls don't do that much anyone other than walk down the aisle so it shouldn't really matter too much if you have four.

With wedding planning, sometimes it's a real balance between having what you want, and doing something because it keeps peace/stops people close to you getting upset. Sometimes it's worth compromising on the odd thing to stop big problems. And if she isn't happy with number one, you could always use number 2 as a compromise too. E.g, "I know you want my cousins to be flower girls and I'm happy to do that if nan pays for the dresses but I hope you understand I'm not going to change my mind on having x as a bm, and I really want you to be happy for me."

Dilemma 1-

As said before....bite the bullet and tell your mum instead of worrying about what might never be a problem.

Dilemma 2 -

I'd say that you don't want anymore bridesmaids but you'd like your cousins to be part of your day so you thought it be nice if the gave out confetti to the guests,..... nan feels you've included them and gets to buy them both nice dresses. ?

Firstly, Congratulations and welcome to hitched! I'm sorry to hear you are already being put under pressure. I went through similar stuff when I got married last year but it all came together on the day

Dilemma no.1 - does your mum like your brother's ex? If not, then I can see why you are nervous. At the end of the day, the BM's are your choice and no one else's, so you should choose who you want.

Dilemma no.2 - I realise that you would never choose your cousins to be your BM's but if your Nan is offering to pay then go with it (unless of course said cousins annoy the hell out of you). I had 7 BM's and loved it! All child BM's do is walk down the aisle looking lovely. I had 3 child bridesmaids and hardly spoke to them after the ceremony because they were off chasing boys and I was busy talking to my guests - easy! One important bit of advice I will give you is if you agree to do this, do NOT tell loads of people that you let them be BM's because someone else is paying because this can open up a whole floodgate of other relatives and friends putting pressure on you to have their kids in your wedding party if they pay the bill (weddings can do very funny things to people and turn a normal, reasonable person into an obsessed, possessive, pushy bully! This happened to a number of my guests but I stood my ground).

In fact you could use these dilemmas to solve each problem. Tell your Mum about brother's ex and if you get a negative reaction, suggest " as a compromise if she is my BM then my cousins can be BM's too" might be worth a shot?

Good luck x x

Hi there,

I completely feel your pain. I was told by my mum that I was to have someone's child as a flower girl when i didn't want this child at the wedding (I'm having a no kids wedding and I don't really know this child either), let alone as my flower girl. It got rather heated and I ended up in tears and made to feel like a bad person for not wanting this to happen, but my mum was being really stern about it.

I went away for a bit, and thought about it. My mum isn't a nasty person, nor is she argumentative by nature, we never fall out, and I figured she must have her reasons for really wanting this child to be my flower girl. She must have felt really strongly about it to upset me to that level. Which made me realise it must mean enough to her, so why shouldn't I just give in? There's no point in falling out over something like that. Sometimes people have reasons they can't or won't discus with you about why they feel so strongly about it, and I guess for my mum this was one of them.

And so I have ended up with 7 bridesmaids - yes I feel like a gipsy, and it's not what I wanted. But what I do want is my mum to be happy, so this is a small sacrifice, and in the grand scheme of things, it's not that big a deal to have an extra bridesmaid. Its another dress, and that's fine. It is what it is. My mum is happy, I kept the peace, and now I feel better about the whole situation.

Just keep the Mum and Nan happy, and let them have this thing. Its not worth falling out over something so small really. You'll feel better for just letting them have this one thing, and then it will be off your mind. And you never know, they might in turn back down on something else you might disagree on later in the planning stages.

Honestly, don't stress about it too much. Once you have agreed to it, you will feel so much better for it, and it need not be discussed again. These will not be the things you remember when you look back on your wedding day.

B x