My first ever AIBU *UPDATE* (Pg 1) Further update Pg 4

I think you're absolutely right not letting that dog in your house, my cat would be very miffed & uncertain even if they were locked upstairs they won't like the smells.

Tough toenails to your MIL, no to the dog...at all in my eyes (not even in the garden!)

What does your OH say?

No, you are being unreasonable.

This is not about your cats, it's about an untrained dogs and you've said you don't want it in the house.

Just say no ?

Mr WT keeps saying 'Im stuck in the middle. Im stuck in the middle' But I know he doesnt really want the cats upset. Its taken a flippin year for the nervous one to finally learn to trust us and she really has blossomed, I dont want to be taking 10 steps back.

Im ok with being outside with him on a lead, but do not want the cats upset. Id tell her that the dog is not to come in, but Mr WT is more wary of saying no to his mother.

Can't they tie the dog up outside while they are in your house? I wouldn't let dogs into my house, not particularly because I have cats but because they chew things and make the house smell (generally). Anyway, it's your house so what you say goes.

He could be tied up outside for a bit but she 'doesnt like to leave him' and the last time they did that he nearly ruined my lovely stable door by constantly scratching it.

I might suggest to Mr WT that he tells her to tie him up to our clothes line post, which is away from anything he could damage.

Tie dog up outside would be an option.

Get one of them things you screw into your lawn and make sure his lead isn't long enough that he can reach the fences or anything he can destroy.

It sounds like he has separation anxiety - most likely induced by their refusal to leave him behind anywhere. Poor dog.

YANBU - it's a cat house, not a dog house. Your cats have a right to feel safe in their own home. I never take Rocket anywhere without asking whether he can come too or not. It's rude to assume, and even ruder to invite yourself over for a barbecue at someone else's house and tell them what to do with their pets!

You're not unreasonable in the slightest - that poor dog. She's being extremely cruel in keeping an active, intelligent, highly stressed dog in such a way.

As a dog nut, I think that you are not being unreasonable in the slightest! Why on earth should you and your OH have to lock your pets away because a visitor's dog won't behave? It would not cross my mind to take my pooch to a cat home in the first place but that is because i know he will misbehave.

I'm no expert by any means but I think that the dog's destructiveness is probably due to lack of mental stimulation - obedience can be taught at any age and is great for the dog - he gets to interact with other pooches and frankly it tires them out giving the owner some well needed peace and quiet.

On the issue of kennelling I have a rescue dog and it took a lot of 'courage' on my part to agree to him going into kennels when we go away as I was worried he'd think he'd been rejected again but it's fine - in fact the kennel owners are adamant that owners find it more traumatic than the dogs do. Frankly the way they're treated at our local kennels I'm considering checking myself in there for a few weeks!

But back to your post - no, you're not being unreasonable. I can't get my head round the fact that someone thinks they have a right to come to your home and act how they please. What on earth happened to respect for other people's property?

Jas

x

I totally adore my dogs but I don't inflict them on others. When people visit I baby gate them in the kitchen until they are calm and then "of" the guests are dog friendly I let the dogs out. I wouldn't take them to other people's homes without express invitation and only then if the house is dog friendly. To be honest, dogs, excited with new smells and a new house isn't very relaxing for us either!

If we are out for long periods and they can't come then we get a dog sitter.

So, in short, no, you are not being unreasonable.

Halo and Boop, I agree he is a v intelligent dog that needs to be active, both physically and mentally, afterall he is a dog thats bred for such things, theyre v clever and need stimulation. Thats why Ive told her he needs training, she point blank refuses to take him though. They have all the time in the world to train him as they are retired.

He gets upset when he is separated from them and they are the sole cause of that. I feel sorry for the dog, as I can see he could be a lovely woofer if given the right stimulation to keep him and his mind active.

Im glad Im not being unreasonable then!

You're not being unreasonable - I despise people who have untrained dogs, and I wouldn't be happy to have the dog in my house, regardless of cats.

YANBU, at all. I do feel for MrWT though, it's a tough call for him to defy him mum, who sounds like a battleaxe and a loon of note.

Aaagh, WT, you need to crush that 'I'm stuck in the middle thought' of H's right now. From my experience, 70% of people who say this actually mean 'I'm not strong enough to stick up for what is right even though I kind of know I should' ?

How dare anyone assume they can tell you what to do in your own home? [wanders off muttering crossly]

You are right in all you've said but it sounds like you could have a tough job on your hands.It sounds like she won't back down and Mr WT will be reluctant to stand up to her.

Good luck!

Sophie, you must have met her, as thats just what she's like!

Thank you, every last one of you! Ok Im not being unreasonable, and Im going to tell Mr WT that Im not too. If he has problems telling her then I will. She isnt used to anyone standing up to her (until I came along, which is one reason she doesnt like me).

I will let the dog in the garden, but he isnt coming indoors.

Thanks again everyone!

And that statement is total proof that you are not being unreasonable. i.e. you can see the good and potential in the doggy if given the right guidance and training. You're not all like 'terrible dog, not coming near our home ever again' but you want to find a solution to help everyone get along and you clearly do care about the dog.

I will not take mine to a cat home as he does not like cats - it's a simple enough decision.

(Puts amateur psychologists hat on) Separation anxiety is not quick to cure but it can be done with the right guidance and help - if they wanted to. Maybe your MIL likes to be needed and depended on - does she have the separation anxiety?!

Oh hit the nail on the head there Jas, this is one of the root causes of the conflict I have with her. I reckon she needs to feel thats shes needed, she gets this from FiL who lets her get on with it, and BiL who has aspergers and lives at home. BiL is intelligent but cant tie his own shoelaces, she has to. If it wasnt for her he would have a great life Im sure but she has held him back.

The conflict I personally have with her is that she feels the need to still control Mr WT who is nearly 37 has his own life, job, house, wife. She resents me for taking him away from her and the fact that Ive let him have his own mind. She told Mr WT she wanted to split us up and I was no good for him. Im over that now and the counselling worked wonders.

I reckon you have a very valid point there Jas!

Think you need to lock the MIL in the car and let the dog enjoy the barbie!

I think you are being totally reasonable, it's your house and there is no way you should feel in any way as if you have to accomodate her dog.

It sounds like she is incapable of looking after it herself if it's untrained and destrctive, poor ?

Put your foot down and say the dog is staying outside or in the car, or leave it at home.

I'm a dog fanatic but I would NEVER force my dogs on anyone else or make them adjust things to accomodate them.

Oh if only! If only!

Is there any way you can push back on the basis that you're worried that he will break things in your home? I know that sounds a bit harsh, but if he did that to the car in half an hour, it does paint a pretty clear picture of what he's capable of (especially if left somewhere in your house away from everyone where the separation anxiety might kick in?)

Poor doggie, he does sound really stressed.

? not laughing at the predicament but that is probably the best idea!

I have a MIL that tries to control the situation...I could rant on but basically they have let themselves in the house when we weren't there, upset our cat etc. This is your space and your right to decide.

Not unreasonable at the end of the day it is your home. I think chained up outside would be fine, a couple of years ago my mum's dog came over and we let her roam in the garden (she is well trained and a different situation). Our cat would have gone mad if she was in the house, that is her space!

As for the H in the middle thing...I have the same. It's flaming frustrating, mine is cos my H is laid back but at the end of the day he should speak to her. If it was your family you would speak up, no question.

Blimey WT, what a nightmare of a MIL.

There is no way I'd let an unruly dog in my house (and I'm the biggest dog lover ever). Would she lock him up for you to take your cats to her house? No way......so why does she think its acceptable for you to lock your pets away. She has a very strange way of thinking.

The solution is quite simple to me. Her request would be met with a firm no from me and a suggestion for a meal out if the BBQ isn't going to be practical. I just wouldn't entertain her idea at all.

How does she get on with never leaving the dogs side? If she can't leave it in the car again (which I personally hate seeing anyway) then how does she shop? attend appointments? have a social life? How very, very odd.

? Do this WT, take photos and give us the full report.

Shopping consists of her and FiL going out with dog, FiL with the dog on a lead standing outside shops while she goes in. Same with supermarket. There is always someone with the dog. Social life, well she doesnt have one, holidays are always taken in this country in a cottage thats dog friendly as the dog has to go with them. Their whole life is steered by the dog, because she wont go to dog training classes.

The poor dog needs stimulation and stuff to do, but it doesnt happen.

That's really quite sad, for all involved. It's no life for them or the dog. No wonder he goes a bit bonkers, I think I would too.

WT, your BIL sounds like many of my ex-clients who, although they loved their parents, wanted to be independent. I worked as an Advocate for a charity who spoke up for people with learning disabilities of all kinds.

It's very hard for families to 'let go', but if the client wanted it, we helped them by being their voice.

As for the dog, I don't think you're BU at all. Great idea to look MIL in the car and let the dog enjoy the barbie! ?

How about buying her a course of doggie obedience lessons for Christmas?

I dont think Mr WT could deal with the backlash of us buying them dog obedience classes, Id find it hilarious, but I know for a fact she would go balistic!

My BiL has got himself a lovely part time job in a local Library, which he is loving, gives him a bit of independance and money and time away from home, which is a step in the right direction. I know though that he could have been very independant should she have let him be instead of being over protective. Hes 35 this year and is looked after like an 8 year old. Im not getting involved in any of that as 'she knows best' but I make my ovservations from afar.

Of all the clients I had, and all the cases I dealt with (and my colleagues too), the family ones were the hardest.

It's tough suggesting to a parent that what they are doing for their child is not what the child wants. And we weren't talking about children, but about grown adults who were/are treated as children.

But these adults had minds of their own, only they didn't want to hurt their parents by telling them they wanted to move out, go to work, be able to take a bath on their own, be able to make their own cup of tea (some really, really basic things), so we helped do that for them.

We'd never say or do anything the client hadn't expressed they wanted for themselves. Sometimes a referal came from another family member - sometimes anonymously.

Some info here www.bild.org.uk/pdfs/05faqs/advocacy.pdf

Sorry ... I know I've strayed away from your OP, but it just caught my eye about your BIL

What a nightware WT, and what a shame, especially for you an MrWT, but especially the poor dog. Is there any way you (or your H) can get MIL to take the dog to a class, or get him involved in some kind of obedience work? (obviously not by saying 'get thy crazy mutt to dog borstal', but by subtle and wily methods of selling it to HER as an interesting and fun new hobby?)

Thanks Peaches. BiL isnt allowed to run his own bath or make a cuppa, its done for him. Its a sad state of affairs. I'll check the link out, ta!

Lou - I used to watch Dog Borstal on TV and thought she needed to take the dog there, he would have loved it! Ive tried selling obedience classes to her as a social hobby type thing, meeting new people, getting to know other people with dogs etc etc. She is a stubborn old mule, and will not in any circumstance take the dog to training sessions. I gave up a year ago, as I think because she knows Im right and I suggested it, she wont do it. So that was that.

She doesnt listen to anyone that gives her advice, and seeing as she doesnt even like me, Im the last one she will isten to. And anything that comes from Mr WT she probably thinks Ive put in his head!