My H is a *** father already

What an arse.

I hope you and your boys are doing OK tonight.

Lovely Sare, I so knew this would happen. It's downright cruel the way he's behaving to the boys. My only advice to you would be to hold your head high and know that you're doing everything you can to make this as easy as possible for them.

They will see in their own time (and they will) how he's behaving and that it's not right. It doesn't make it any easier on you, I know, but you have the moral highground.

Much love, sweetheart ?

Oh bird. ?

Absolutely what HH said. Sorry to say but this is the way it will probably be for now, until the kids figure out for themselves what a knob he is. Welcome to the "bite your lip and try to ignore the wankish behavior" club.?

I'm doing everything "right" but I want to really let rip with my true feelings and I can't. The eldest just asked me which of us chose this to happen, and I said it doesn't matter, and he replied that he bet it was his dad.

I spent time telling him as parents we won't fight and that we'll both be there for him, but I've lied haven't I? It's killing me that he's putting himself before them, he always made such a big deal about being a good dad because his own left when he was 2 and never saw him again.

What a maggot. Thank goodness the boys have a fantastic mum to help them get through this ?

WEES. Its rubbish being mum and dealing with twunt dads. I'm 4 yrs into it and DS (9) worships his dad whereas he is a total waster. he sees son 1 night a fortnight, he doesn't want to pick him up before lunchtime on Sat and brings him back before dinner on Sun, then he's late. He had son for Christmas and turned up 3hrs late to collect him. Idiot yet son thinks sun shines out of his backside. He'll see it in time, as will your boys. They will work out that Mum is the one who is there and can be relied on and that they deserve better than to be treated like this.

Take care and I hope the boys can deal with this. I found it helpful to have a word with the school and explain what the situation at home. Son found it helpful to be able to talk freely to people he knew that weren't mum or dad or knew us. School were also then aware that he had things going on so knew what the changes in him stemmed from.

What a git he is being.

Second the advice to let school know - you don't need to give them the ins and outs, but they may cut some slack if needed.

You sound like an amazing mum sare! Your eldest seems to understand is dad is crap.

I hope things get better for you and your sons. ?

Thanks for the advice re the school. Fortunately I work as a TA in the same school, so I've been able to warn the staff that need to know. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep an eye on them too.

Sare, I think you're amazing. Your children are very lucky to have such a fantastic mummy.

You're a fantastic mum, don't worry about him. my dad was exactly the same. in fairness, he came to see me every week (apart from when something got in the way... like going on holiday on my birthday with his second wife... or whatever) and he was the same knob with me although it took me until i was in my twenties to admit it. it's awful to realise your dad, as a person isn't 'in there' iyswim - i don't think he really understands that people who are not him are actually people and real. sounds daft, doesn't it? so i'd seen my dad for years and he had no idea who i was, wasn't interested. in the end it all came to a head before my wedding, when i was 22, and i haven't had any contact with him since easter 2004. and i'm never sorry, i've never regretted it. sometimes i think i'd like to meet up with my grandparents, or my half siblings, but never him.

you do realise it in the end, but be prepared that it may take decades. it's hard to admit to yourself that your dad got bored of you after you stopped making the nursery look tidy ?

Forgot to say that i also have a fantastic mum, and she and i are hugely close, so you keep looking after your little ones as you do and they will recognise it and love you for it all the more in the end.

As HH said I had a feeling this would happen to. If I'm brutally honest it's all to do with his 'new free spirit lifestyle'. What a to$$er!

I know as a mother you want to protect your children but there is only so much covering up you can do. It helps to be honest with certain things. Well it's helped in our case anyhow. As many people know the girls mother is a total waster, with a total waster boyfriend and puts anything and everything before her children. Over time we told white lies about mums behaviour, to try and protect the children. It didn't do any good though as the more we covered for her the more she'd let the kids down. It's only when her children started to see what she was like, and told her honestly what they felt about her did things improve for the children. Not her, no, she still can't see that she does any wrong.

Stay strong ?

I'd like to say I can't believe what an arse he's being, but sadly I can. ?

I'm so sorry you and your boys are having to go through this.

the one good thing though is your boys are lucky to have such a great mum. They'll be fine, honestly, I know you will make sure it is so.

Must have been heartbreaking for you though, and a huge burden for you to cope with. Poor you.

?

How are your boys now? How are you doing?

I'm ashamed of your H on his behalf, I never understand how someone can undergo such a change of heart to one's partner like this, let alone his children.

Oh Sare ?, I agree with what others have already said and just want to say that you shouldn't make any false promises on your H's behalf, just give the boys all the support and love you can which I'm sure you're already doing anyway.

In time your H will either realise what an arse he's being or the boys will realise they're better off without him. How very sad for them though ☹️

Dont have anything else to add that isnt just repeating what others have written but ? for you and your boys. You seem such a decent person I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. Ref: your 5 yr old - knowing what India is like I would keep an eye on him - he may not have shown a reaction but if he's anything like India she tends to worry about stuff when she's on her own and it can come out days later - not in a bad way but just lots of questions etc. With a mum like you both boys will be fine though I am certain of it.

xx