My Husband's just told me he's leaving me

I just want to echo what everyone else has said. And what Lou said.

My memory isn't the greatest when it comes to my parents splitting up, but iirc, they split up just before christmas but I'm not sure if my mum just came back for the day or they got back together (either way they split up for good some time later). But I remember it being much the same as every other christmas too busy playing with my toys to notice much else.

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Oh sare, i'm so sorry. i wish i had something more useful to add. i am thinking of you xx

Aww, Sare I'm so sorry to hear your news. Im sure you will be strong enough to get through this. X

Sorry to hear this Sare - can't offer anything but a virtual hug and a shoulder to cry on if needs be.

Sare I am so sorry you have to go through this. Think hard before you commit to keeping things 'normal' over christmas. Can you carry this pretence off when you are so hurt and confused? Will it be an opportunity for disguised digs or pleas? Others have mentioned how the children will be distracted by the general excitement and may take things less badly at this time. Whatever you decide will be hard for you. Don't blame yourself, it takes two.

Oh Sare, I've just seen this. So sorry to hear you're going through this, especially at this time of year.

I know you've mentioned in the past that things weren't all hunky dory at home, but it's one thing to have a *** and moan about it and another when something like this happens, isn't it? It's like you don't expect things to get quite to this point, you're always hoping they'll get so bad and then start to improve. I really hope your H is just jumping the gun a bit. Maybe some time on his own will make him realise what he's losing. At the moment he's got the love and security of his sister to go to, but he won't be able to stay there forever. Once he's actually out there on his own, who knows what will happen.

If you need an ear, just shout. Big hugs.

That's it exactly.

So sorry to read this Sare, I know you've mentioned troubles in the past but this must be a shock for you. I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said but we're all here if you need us. Hitched can be a great place at times like this.

Dear Sare - I'm a lurker and very occasional poster, but my heart goes out to you. Although you are hurting, you need to regain some control in this situation as your husband is calling all the shots. However much it hurts you, you need to start laying down some rules that he needs to adhere to. He's dictating when he's leaving which is incredibly unfair to you. I really think that you need to offload and tell your Mum so that you can get the physical support of a hug from her. Bollocks to the fact that it may cause upset over Christmas - your boys will recover from one 'spoilt' christmas. For your own sanity I think that pretence over the christmas that all is fine and dandy will make the january split a whole lot worse. If he's leaving you every night to go back to his sister's house then let him go, but can you do something similar one night and leave him with the boys and you stay at your mums for some undivided care and attention and for you to be able to get some space and have a rant.

Rather than wait for him to say when he's leaving, can you turn it around and say, ok, if you are going then please leave by X date so that I can make arrangements for childcare etc. Oh, and by the way, this building work that needs finishing - how do you propose that gets done, oh, and if I am going to be the sole carer for the children then I need a good night's sleep, so please put up the bed before you go. And finally make sure that finances are agreed so that you have financial support from him in place.

For what it's worth, when I was 5, my dad left my mum with 4 kids just before xmas to go live with his 'other woman'. I don't remember that christmas, but I remember a great and happy childhood as part of a single parent family.

Ruth x

I really do agree with MrsSW (fab advice), but I do also think Sare that you need to do what you think is best for you and your children just now, and only you can make that decision taking all factors into account. It does seem like he's walking all over you just now and doesn't give a damn about what this is doing to you, and that's just not fair-0 but since when did 'fair' ever come into things like this. Sometimes there's an overriding consideration which means that the unfair thing is the right thing to do. If you think that letting him have his own way is a price worth paying in order to have a 'normal' Christmas, then I think that's absolutely your call and completely understandable. The only thing I would really urge you to do is to find somebody IRL that you can confide in, because you can't carry all of this yourself. Even wonderwoman would make herself ill trying to do that, and you need to be strong for the coming months, irrespective of whether you try to work things out or go ahead with a split. I think I can speak for everybody on hitched when I say that we are all here for you Sare, and all thinking of you. ?

Absolutely what MrsSW and LouM said. ?

Another WTS. My sister recently split from her husband. She has two teenage boys. Initially she thought "I will wait until after Christmas so the boys have one las thappy family Christmas to remember" etc, but in the end she changed her mind and they told them before. She doesn't regret it at all - it provided the boys with reassurance thatt hey could still be a happy family even though mum and dad were no longer together.

Bu**er! Just tped a long reply and Hitched darn well lost it ....

Anyway, the gist of what I was saying was .... so it's ok for Mr S to bog off to his sister's every night (does he not think it will look odd to the kids, him not being about?) to 'talk to his family' but you are expected to keep quiet and not tell anyone? No, no, no! Absolutely not fair or reasonable. I'd echo what others have said about taking your mum to one side and telling her (if she knows you well enough, isn't she going to 'know' that something is not right, any way?). You need help and support right now, and not to be pushed into a corner by him, which is what seems to be happening.

I really feel for you, amd wish there was something I could do to help. I've no idea where you live, but if there is anything, just ask.....

Sare, lovely woman, I am so so sorry your husband is being such a selfish pig. STOP blaming yourself for what has happened, please. It takes two to make something work, and I'm assuming he lives in your house too, and therefore is equally responsible for mess/not having a proper bed/whatever else you're beating yourself up about.

Be kind to yourself, Sare. ? We're all here for you xx