My Mum

I can't offer any advice as I have pretty much the same relationship with my mother, except she borders on alcoholic as well. I used to be diplomatic with her but she then tries to manipulate me, which I can't stand as I know she's doing it but she doesn't realise I know (if you see what I mean) so now I'm brutal with her. Probably too brutal. We have a very strained relationship and she is a very difficult woman to deal with. I can't cull her because she doesn't understand or realise what she's like. I'd be interested in any ideas on how to handle her as well!!

You have my sympathy F&G ?

My Mum doesn't have any addiction problems (that I know of) I think she's very insecure and afraid, deep down. She can't seem to let go of her grip on everything - but she rarely gets her own way, so she bullies and is passive-agressive. Stupid things really, like the state of a family member's house, or what someone says to their doctor. Her advice is well intentioned, and is often right, so I am sure she wants the best for you. But she can get quite nasty if you don't do what she would have. I can think of lots of examples but one is particuarly poignant for me - the dressmaker for my wedding made a mistake with the final alterations, so the dress didn't fit me. I discover this at 6pm the night before the wedding. Rather than help, my Mum made several spiteful comments about how it was all my own fault, that I was too fat, that I should have done things a different way etc etc - and refused point blank to do anything to help me. She just went down the 'poor me - this always happens to me' route. After the event she has made several comments about how much I stress I put her through with that wedding etc etc. She even said I'd been selfish in getting divorced because I didn't understand the pressure it had put on her ?

Thankfully, H's Aunty is very resourceful and helped me out no end. I'll love her forever for that.

What has happened is that she's been marginalised - she has very few friends, a terrible relationship with my Dad, my brother hardly speaks to her and I have a friendly, but not intimate relationship. Work is now a problem. All she does is feel more and more sorry for herself - rather than realise that she could do something about it.

This was too long really, sorry, it was theraputic getting it all out ?

I'm sorry I don't have any advice as my mother sounds very similar and in final desperation I had to cull. It's been 6 years since I spoke to her and I have to say they've been some of the happiest years of my life so far.

She made me utterly miserable, unstable and depressed and I couldn't take any more. What she couldn't understand was the more unhappy she made me the further I withdrew from her which made her more unhappy.

I feel for you, and admire your courage to keep at it, I feel like I failed as I walked away. (That said, I wouldn't go back)

Clairy, your Mum sounds like a mixture of my Mum and MIL. My Mum can be pretty spiteful with people and never seems to have a good word to say about anyone which drives me mad. My MIL on the other hand does all the other things you have said, the passive aggressive bullying, the nastiness when people don't do as she says (particularly where things concern our little boy, her grandson) and the desire to keep control of me and H the only difference is my MIL is rarely right on anything), she also makes the comments about other peoples houses etc.

With my Mum I have an arms length relationship and that works for us, she would never listen to me if I pulled her up on the things she says and to be quite frank I can't be bothered.

MIL is another story, H panders to her every whim, it's doing her no good, she won't go out and get a life of her own whilst he does everything she wants, I know what we need to do, we need to make a stand and not let her get her own way and start prioritising our family unit above her demands but H just can't stand up to her and because he's so used to it I'm not even sure he sees her behaviour as a problem. To be honest the majority of the time I feel like she is the other person in our marriage.

Sorry that turned into an all about me rant but just wanted to say I feel your pain!!!

My mother is exactly the same.

We got married in 2002, and after her shocking behaviour, sulking when I wouldnt have her friends daughter (i have never met the friend, or the daughter!) as a bridesmaid, telling me that I was selfish, telling me it was the familys wedding, not my wedding... the list goes on and on.

She behaved despicably on the day itself, because she wasnt the centre of attention, she announced at 8.30pm that she was going to bed. Nobody replied, there was just a really pregnant pause.... she repeated it. One of my fabulous friends said "goodnight then..." She clearly wanted everyone to say please dont leave etc.

At breakfast the day after the wedding she flounced because people didnt move for her to sit and have her breakfast. They were already seated, already eating, all adults - no children that could have been moved easily etc.

She then announced that she hated my friends, that they were rude (!) and that she was going home.

The wedding for me was a culmination of her behaviour, and was by no means an isolated turn of events.

I decided on that day that I, and my husband, deserved better.

I still speak to her, but it is on my terms. I have spoken to her twice since last christmas. Whilst she fills me with rage at her selfishness, I still feel I am in control of the situation. I e-mailed her some pictures of my little girl the other day. I had no reply. When I heard news that one of my schoolfriends had her baby, I sent her a text. She then replied that she was sorry she hadnt replied to the e-mail, but she was so busy at work that it was making her ill.

I didnt reply. I refuse to get sucked in. The truth is though, she probably is ill through work. She sh!ts on people, and then wonders why the wont work with her. She has a very high pressure job, but hey, so do I!! I still manage time for civilities.

What I am trying to say is that you need to try and shift the focus in your mind away from her. She can only upset you if you let her.

My daughter is the love of my life, and I cant imagine ever being the type of person that she avoided seeing. I totally understand how you feel.

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