My son hates me

How old is he?

6

Has anything triggered his behaviour?

I can't think of anything. We've slowly become less and less close, but i can't think of any triggers.

He's still very young. How is he with his dad? And other family members?

He's a complete Daddies boy. I'm bad cop, my husband's good cop. He's fine with everyone else in the family.

I have a daughter a year younger than him. If we go out alone which is very seldom he's well behaved and will hold my hand but if i mention his father it's as if i've got something that's catching and he can't come near me and talks to me as if i'm dirt.

I find this a strange way to describe a little boy's behaviour. It might help you mentally deal with it if you don't think of his behaviour as you would an adults?

Anyway, you say you are the "bad cop"? Is there a way you can get the "good cop" to help? If your man is either consciously or subconsciously reinforcing this role, that won't be helpful.

Are you and his father together or separated?

Hiya WIseMonkey, long time no see?

I really doubt he hates you. Most children in a safe environment will talk to their parents in a negative way because it IS a safe environment to do so. It is to try pushign boundaries and experiement with relationships. Straneg as it may seem it is good in a way that he feels safe to be rude to you. If he didn't feel he had yoru unconditional love he woudln't dare risk being rude to you. Although now is the time to explain that it isn't nice to talk to people like that or treat them like that.

I hope that makes sense - if not, more than happy to explain further?

Thank you all all. It's been comforting reading your positive view point Pittabre (hi again). I knew this was the place to get some much needed support, x

Yes his father and I are together. Totally agree and have suggested on numerous occasions that my husband should be 'bad cop' but i'm sad to say that he already thinks he does and by me suggesting and begging him to be more is is called nagging. Husbands idea of 'telling off' when my son ripped my necklace off of my neck two days ago (when i kissed him on his head) was to just calmly suggest he says sorry to mummy. I may be wrong (am i?) but i would have flown off the handle. I would have done at the time but it shocked me so much all i could do was hide upstairs out of my son's site and cry. Crying partly out of anger, that if i saw him i would have done something i would later regret, but more so that it really hurt and i couldn't face seeing my son.

I wouldn't say he spits fire at me whenever we are together but he can be extremely venomous at times. It's almost as if he's got PMT but only centres his negative feelings towards me. I'm partly to blame because i do have a fiery temper and i'm sure it gets that from me?

Don't you think that your husband's approach to when your little boy ripped your necklace is the correct one though? Calmly explain why it was wrong and encourage him to apologise?

Do you think that if your response to that kind of situation is to fly off the handle, that your son is mirroring this in his actions towards you?

Sorry if that comes across a bit much, I'm just trying to understand.

No i don't think it was the right way to handle the situation as my son took no notice of my husband.

I think being calm and saying oh dear naughty, you did something that wasn't very nice when he's partially assaulted me is enough. Maybe in less serious situations yes, not this time.

Does his school have a play therapist or similar on staff? My son is only a little older but used to be very aggressive towards me (his dad and I are separated) and I struggled to cope with his lashing out. His school offered to put me in touch with the play therapist (this was when he was 3 or 4) and we spent a year with him seeing her once a week and us working together to come up with strategies for helping him explore his feelings safely. She did constantly reassure me - as Pittabre said - that he was acting out at me because it felt safe to do so, because he knew there was nothing he could do to push me away, whereas he was always good as gold when he saw his dad because he needed to work much harder to keep his dad's interest. You have to love small child logic!

One thing she did suggest was that we found ways for just me and him to have time together, away from his siblings, with no mention of his father unless he initiated it. Even just small things like going to the supermarket together, cooking a meal together etc - something where I was giving him my undivided attention but in positive way, rather than him getting negative attention for being a little horror.

I do think that staying calm is key to dealing with an aggressive small child. If he's anything like my son was, the moment you lose your temper or get angry even in a controlled way, it just fuels his aggression until the two of you are feeding off each other and both getting more and more wound up. Showing him that you're upset and hurt by what he's done is good because it shows him that there are consequences to his actions. I used to have to say outright to L "you have hurt me and I am upset now" before it would register that the situation affected someone other than himself.

You are a gem for posting your experience. Couldn't have come at a better time as i'm not having the best morning again.

Honestly i'm not sure if school have anything like this but i am seriously going to find out Monday morning. All of what you have said about your son seems very familiar.

I would love time alone with him more to be how we used to be when it was just him and me. I feel like i've lost him at the moment, which i'm guessing you may empathise with.

Sorry it's only a shot response to your detailed and helpful reply, as i said i'm having a trying morning with the children. But everyone's input concerning my cry of help have been a tonic. I feel bad for talking like this about my own son. Thank you all for not being harsh, but only helpful. xx