no longer relevant ?

If you are that keen to get engaged then why not propose to him?

Aww. Sounds difficult. How old are you both if you don't mind me asking....and what is the norm amogst your friends and families....are most of his friends married/engaged or is he going to be one of the first ones? Things like this can influence men I think.

It sounds like it doesn't make any sense to want to wait to buy a more expensive ring...unless you have made it clear that you want an expensive ring that he needs to save for? I had an inherited ring so we didn't have that issue - but I think if we had needed to buy a ring it would have been something to do together, unless finances were no issue at all.

3 and a half years seems like a long time but it's not that long compared to how long a lot of people are together now before they get engaged.

I guess the main thing to do is be open and talk about how you are feeling - in a calm way which doesn't involve getting cross about it.

I became frustrated when my OH didn't propose as quickly as I wanted him to...we had lots of half conversations about it as I was scared of him saying he actually wasn't ready- which in hindsight was the case, he just wasn't quite ready when I was and he was worried about commiting to something when he wasn't ready as he didn't think it was fair on me. At the time this made me really cross but I now see that he was being honest and I am grateful for it. He proposed a little while later (maybe around a year after I had started talking about it) when he was ready and I now see that this was the right thing. If you got engaged before he is ready and you were trying to get him involved in planning and he had doubts you would have an awful time!

I do appreciate it must be really frustrating for you - but I guess if you are confident in your man and your relationship it will most likely happen before too long. Without knowing how old you are and other circumstances (like if your biological clock is ticking etc) it's difficult to know if there is any rush, but if there isn't any reason to rush it then just try and enjoy what sounds like a good relationship and take it as it comes

I've been there.

My partner took me to get my ring finger measured a year after we got together. We went on lots of lovely holidays. No proposal. A year later he asks me to send him pictures of rings I like. Still no proposal. He eventually proposed on our 3rd anniversary. So 3 years doesn't sound long. But the fact he kept getting my hopes up and not doing anything was so frustrating!

After we got engaged I asked him why he took so long. He wanted to propose when he could afford a ring and know that we could afford a big wedding and the extravagant honeymoon that we both want.

Please try to 'hang on in there'. It will happen, he's obviously thinking about it. Try to leave it be and let him surprise you. you could end up ruining the surprise if you push him too much

xxx

I'm sorry you feel so upset by this.

Please, please, please don't plan a wedding that you don't know he has agreed to. It's a little odd imo. You cannot force him to marry you and it makes no sense to put the cart before the horses. It might lead to you being really upset if it never happens. Also he might want to have a say in the planning. Seriously - for your own good you shouldn't be doing that.

You could ask him yourself. THat way you can put an end to this waiting and feeling so rubbish. My friend did that after 10 years and they are now happily married with a little baby. He was just not that organised so she had to sort it out and give him a kick.

You don't need a ring to be engaged so that's a shoddy excuse imo. all you need to be engaged is an agreement to marry. Even if you have a £10 Argos ring - who cares!! nothing wrong with that.

If he says no you know that you can move on and find someone who treasures you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

To be quite honest with you, I think you need to calm down a bit.

You are with a man you love, and who loves you, and you have a home together. A lot of people would love to have what you have. So what if there isn't a ring on your finger just yet? Give him time. Do you really want him to propose out of pressure and fear of hurting your feelings? I know I wouldn't want that.

If he's worried about money to pay for a ring, how will it be when you both need to find money for a wedding? Understand his concerns, and take the pressure off him.

Enjoy the ride, and just let it happen.

We were together for years before the subject of engagement came up... Lived together for 9 years, prior to the engagement.

But when it did... with me continually saying 'if you ask, I'm a sure thing, I will say yes!'. We went out and chose a ring together, had it sized and ordered. He then picked it up, but kept it to one side, until the right moment.

The right moment, was probably 6 or 7 months after having the ring, and he took it away with us on holiday (we had already had a holiday in between the ring arriving and this new holiday).

We'd been on holiday for a few days and it was my birthday, quite a normal day. We went out early evening to the beach, to take pictures of the sun setting. Finished doing that and he turned to me and said 'well that's that done, so how about this...' and proceeded to thrust my ring at me... Safe to say I started crying lol.. he explained he wasn't on one knee, as he only had that one pair of jeans with him and didn't want them to get wet and sandy lol

I didn't even know he'd brought the ring away with us.

My feeling is, no matter how much I nagged it wasn't going to happen until it felt right for him. But I always knew he was my ONE and he'd tell me enough times that I was his ONE.

Not sure if this helps....

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Please don't take offence, but you need to calm down. You're putting him under a lot of pressure - just b/c you were ready to be married after 2 years, doesn't mean that he was, or even that he should be. I was the same as you - although after 5 years, not 2! - and I almost broke us up with my constant melt-downs about the fact he hadn't proposed "at the perfect moment". My 28th birthday, I cried in the kitchen b/c the big surprise he'd been coordinating with my best friend was a homemade cake, not an engagement ring! Our first Xmas alone together and in our new house, I seethed all day and then threatened to move out at new years because he hadn't taken the opportunity to propose. Not my proudest moments. I don't know HOW he put up with me. I was horrendous.

If you really can't sit back and give him the time and space to propose in his own way, have you considered saying to him that you're happy to have a cheaper engagement ring, in order to marry him? My h2b saved for 18 months for my ring (while I made his life miserable about not being engaged) and I had no idea that he was doing so (and he was in a good, well-paid job too). If I had known that he was planning to spend 2 months salary on a ring, I would have told him that marrying him was what was important to me, not the size of the diamond. Don't get me wrong, I love my ring, but I think the problem when as a woman you make a HUGE deal about the ring/the wedding, the boy feels under pressure not to propose until they're in a financial position to give you your dream wedding. I know my brother was like that - desperate to propose, but felt completely unable to due to financial difficulties and his girlfriend's sky-high expectations. They've now broken up, and one of the reasons she gave was that he hadn't proposed yet. Please don't put yourself and your partner in such an untenable position. I've been there, and its horrible. I really had to work hard to get us back on track after my behaviour.

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My ex and I were together for 3 and a half years. I was early 20s. He was in his 30s. All of his friends were engaged or getting married. I thought it was going to happen to me, we talked about it. But our relationship went cold rather early (shortly after moving in together after about 6 months) and now I'm so glad I got out when I did.

I know it sucks to sit there and feel like everyone is moving forward except you. To go to other people's weddings and get caught up in it. But it will be your turn one day!

Honestly, it'll all work out!

Hello Raych, I was the same as you sweetie. I'd always said I didn't really fancy getting married or having children and I told my OH this when we first got together. Then about 3/4 years into the relationship, it was all I could think about. Every birthday, Christmas, holiday, I was expecting a ring and I told him I wanted a ring. But I learned to stop getting my hopes up in the end as it wasn't fair on him either. We always said we'd get married one day and I suppose I just resigned myself to the fact that it would happen in our 40's or something!

But then, when I stopped pestering, it happened. And I could not have been more surprised. Money was an issue for my OH as well; I earn a lot more than he does and he had to save like mad to pay for the ring. He even sold his car, saying he didn't need it any more.

People at work and my friends would laugh at me for being obsessed with getting married, calling me Mrs Havisham blah blah blah. And I was a bit crazy looking back. Some of the lovely gifts he bought me over the years that I couldn't get excited about because they weren't a ring...

I'd say try to find some contentment in the fact that you're with the man you love, and he loves you back. It will happens when it happens sweetie, please try not to get hung up about it too much xx

I feel for you as we were together over seven years before we got engaged. During the last few years I was desperate for it to happen, especially as all of our friends who had been together less time were getting married. OH is really laid back and kept assuring me it would happen eventually. For us, it was partly a money issue as we agreed we didn't want too much of a long engagement so wanted to pay off all of our debts first. The other thing was that OH hates being the centre of attention even if there's just a few people about. I know we would have been married a while ago if we'd eloped but he wouldn't agree to this as he knew it really wasn't what I wanted (I'm really close to my family). Eventually, after attending a few weddings last year he decided it wouldn't be so bad and agreed to marry me! No proposal but he's not in the slightest bit romantic so I wasn't really expecting one.

I haven't got any advice to offer, just wanted to let you know you're not the only one that's been in this situation and it sounds like you won't have to wait too much longer. I'm actually pleased it worked out like this in the end as I love the house we have now, whereas we wouldn't have moved if we were planning a wedding a couple of years ago, and we're much better off financially to plan the wedding we would like.

I used to feel the same way you did - my OH and I were together for over five years before he proposed, and I did sort of wonder if it was ever going to happen. I used to drop the occasional hint, particularly after a few drinks... until some friends of ours split up less than a month after their wedding. It really made me realise that although the wait was a bit frustrating, it would be so much worse if he ended up proposing when he wasn't really ready. It really made me take a step back and I made sure not to say anything after that, because I wanted him to propose when it felt right. He asked me six months later, and so far we've really enjoyed the wedding planning process because we both know we're ready for it.

Try to avoid putting too much pressure on him - I'm sure he'll ask when he's ready, and then you'll know 100% that it's right for both of you.

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It was important to me to get married. I made this very clear to Mr Ash that if he didn't propose within 2 years of me moving in then I'd leave. I left it at that and he proposed 20 months in.

This sounds harsh but I spent 7 years in a relationship that sounds a lot like yours (except I didn't pester or plan). He had no intention of ever proposing, and only got around to it when I was leaving him.

I think these things are a bit different for guys they will only do it when the time is right for them. we have been together for 10 years and only got engaged at christmas (wedding now booked for september). although we had spoke of getting engaged for years and it not happening, I can now see that waiting was the best thing for him to do as he defo wasnt ready before. you never know he may surprise you once the pressure is off and you can properly start planning

I don't want to hurt your feelings but I really do think you're going a bit OTT with this! I had been with my OH for 6 and a half years before he proposed, I'd practically given up hope. He knew I really wanted to get married, I knew he was a bit more reticent about the whole thing, (I will be his third wife!) but it's something i just had to accept. We love each other more than anything else in the world and this is what comforted me when I worried he was never going to ask.

I have to say though, I would never have dreamt of badgering him about it, to me that just seems a bit desperate. The way I looked at it was, I wanted him to ask me when he was good and ready so that when it happened it was what we both wanted and therefore, built to last. I think if I pushed him into it I would always wonder if was what he really wanted and I'd be terrified he'd call it off in the end. (This worries me enough as it is now! Just about my only completely paranoid angst about the whole wedding!)

Enjoy your relationship as it is now, if it was meant to be, it will be and I've no doubt he'll ask you when he's good and ready.

This is kind of similar to me. I didn't set a deadline, but I told my H I wanted to get married and had no interest in being in a relationship that didn't have marriage potential. He proposed after 6 months, so I guess he felt the same! I was with my ex 6yrs, and we did get engaged, but he showed no interest in actually making a wedding happen. That's even more frustrating IMO.

I've met a lot of engaged couples and the amount of time they've been together varies wildly. I've met couples who have been together around a year. I've met a few who have been together 14+ years. The record I think is 22.

So in that context 3 years isn't a long time at all.

What's his family situation like? Are his parents divorced? Have people close to him divorced? Often that puts us off. As a man we fear that if we get divorced we lose the house and kids as well as having to pay maintenance.

In fact.....if you think about it logically there really isn't any benefit in being married at all! Logically speaking what is in it for a man? To put it in crude terms. Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free??

Now...when that's all said and done those were exactly my thoughts prior to meeting my wife. Now I'm happily married and wouldn't have it any other way.

I think you need to slow things down and take the pressure off completely. Right now he probably feels under such HUGE pressure from you that it will be totally offputting. Three years isn't a long time and I wouldn't say he's weird for wanting to wait a bit longer. Give him a bit longer but I do also think that there will come a point that if he's still unwilling to commit then you will need to evaluate what's more important? A ring on the finger or him?

Fair enough if you don't want to propose then the other option is for you to set yourself a deadline. i don't think that should be communicated to your OH as it will put pressure on him and he should really have the option to make up his mind.

personally, i think 3 years is a perfectly reasonable length of time to know if marriage is on the cards. We're all different and if you know that you don't want to hang about for ages then you need to follow through. Set yourself a deadline of say 12 months and if nothing's changed and there haven't been any other signs then I guess you need to cut your losses. In the meantime, I wouldn't mention marriage or engagement at all.

I'd set myself a deadline. My Oh is 12 years older than me and i figured he should really know his mind at his age ;-) Haha! He proposed well within the deadline, but the reason i mention it was because it made me feel a bit more in control. I wasn't waiting and worrying about it anymore as I knew i'd made up my mind on what to do. Maybe that'll make you feel a bit better?

I wish you all the best with this! Hopefully, he's out now buying your ring :-)

I think every woman has been here and usually at a similar age to yourself. I had everyone putting pressure on me after 3 years. Why hasn't he asked you - as if I had a crystal ball! But in reality 3 years really isn't that long a time so don't get worked up. quite frankly I think the pressure is put on people to get married is ridiculous. I had it and hated it! What comes after marriage? Have you thought about that? Will you be happy staying married for a few years or would you want to try for children and is he in the same boat? I thought at 22 I wanted wedding and babies but at 26 my plans are completely different. The sooner you decide that you don't need a wedding or engagement to make you happy but it would be a nice addition the happier you will be. I was given hints at 2 years by my hubby to be but it wasn't until our 5th anniversary he asked and when we get married it would be 8 years together. enjoy what you have at the moment and look forward to the future but don't waste your time now wishing it away to a proposal because weddings bring stress!

Wow all this talk of setting deadlines for marriage proposals bemuses me! Everyone has their own 'stuff' about relationships and gets ready for each stage at a different time. Have you sat down and properly talked it all through, without nagging, hinting or accusing, just sitting down to talk about what you both want out of your relationship and where you are headed? If he is telling you that he will propose and does want to marry you (and it seems like he is planning it) then remember that it's just as important that he is comfortable/ready as well as you. Perhaps he feels under pressure to make it special/amazing/perfect which is why he's waiting?

Is he having difficulties with money? It might be that he now feels pressurised to get you that one ring and is struggling to save enough for it - from what you said it's not crazily extravagant but sometimes even finding £50 a month spare can be a push for some people. Maybe get him a budget planner haha!

My H2B and I hadn't really talked about marriage and at one stage both of us were completely happy without it. Then I started to think about it and realised it was what I wanted so we had a chat while we were alone in a beer garden on a nice sunny day. I let him know that I did want to get married but that if he really didn't I wouldn't push it. He let me know that he hadn't thought I'd want to get married, but he wanted to be 'traditional' about it and do a formal proposal. I think if things had dragged on for ages afterwards I might have mentioned it again but he ended up proposing a couple of months later on our anniversary - we'd been together for 4 years. Mind you he was lucky, I told him straight away I didn't want a diamond so he didn't have to save up for ages for a fancy rock

Please don't take this the wrong way, but in all honesty what is the rush?? why do you need to be engaged right now? it doesn't change anything and to be honest (In my personal opinion) marriage doesn't change anything, you are still the same people as you were before.

3 and a half years is nothing (again in my opinion) , by the time myself and my H2B get married in October we will have been together 8 years, living together for 7 and half years and we only got engaged in December.

Why are you getting married if you think it doesn't change anything?

Because I (and my OH) want too. Its a simple as that.

That comment wasn't to offend anyone its just a personal opinion I don't personally think getting married or being engaged changes anything, after our wedding day we will still be the same people and in the same relationship.

I have to say, I agree with AlmostMrsS on this one. We are getting married purely because we want to, I really don't think it changes anything. I already have a marriage and I've had one for the best part of 8 years, in four months I'll have a husband instead of a boyfriend or a fiance.

Goodness i'm not offended in the slightest! I was just interested. Sorry if that came across weirdly!

Personally, I wouldn't have bothered if I thought it didn't make a difference to our relationship, so I just wanted to know what your thoughts were. No offence meant at all.

I think a) other people view our relationship differently and b) i feel differently about our relationship. We're still the same people as before, but our relationship has been affected by getting married.

That might just be us though...

It's a bit daft trying to reassure/dissuade the OP by saying " marriage doesn't change anything" but then saying you are doing it " because you want to". Why is that reasoning good enough for you but not her? ( I hasten to add I agree with you - I don't think marriage has changed me or our relationship, but I still ' just wanted to'.)

Sorry Halloweeny, obviously that was aimed at the previous two posters and not you. Can't quote properly on my phone!

I completely understand how upsetting this can be. You love him and want to marrie him yet he doest seem to be on the same page.

I was with my partner 3 years when he told me he was going to propose. So every celebration I would get my hopes up and then feel let down, this went on for years. He would tell me he wanted to marrie me one day, and i would feel hurt it wasnt now. I made little jokes but was very careful not to push him (Well there may of been 1 or 2 tantrums over the 10 years)

He proposed on our 10th anniversary. It was very romantic and well worth the wait. We're getting married the day before our 12th.

What I'm trying to say is he's not doing it on purpose men just don't think like us. He doesn't know every time you think its going to happen and it doesn't you get a bit more hurt. He may not be ready yet, try to let him do it in his own time as pushing him won't work at all.

I waited 10 years and now planning our wedding.

I understand this comment as my previous comment probably wasn't very well written.

It is perfectly fine for the OP and for anyone else to get married because they want to I wasn't judging in the slightest.

My comment was purely to say that by the sound of it the OP "other half" is either not ready just yet to propose or is planning to propose in the near future, I was purely pointing out that marriage doesn't change anything really (in my opinion) so she shouldn't worry herself too much that he hasn't proposed in the last 3 years.