No vows?

I've never been to a wedding where there haven't been some sort of vows when rings are exchanged, even if they're the standard ones rather than personally written. There's no rule to say you have to have them, though it would make for a very short ceremony!

1. Yes.

2. No.

But what will you say when you are swapping rings, or whatever? Just let the registrar speak?

Making promises to each other is wonderful, by far the best bit of the ceremony.

Is there not a legal minimum you have to say for a civil ceremony?

yeah

Obviously would say those

I declare that I know of no legal reason why I (your name) may not be joined in marriage to (your partner's full name).

I (your full name), take you (your partner's full name) to be my wedded wife/husband.

For me, having a wedding infront of family and friends is all about committing to spend your life together and making an open declaration to that effect. I'm all for a not overly long ceremony but I'm struggling to understand why you wouldn't want to include vows of some description.

I'd think it totally weird and would wonder why you had invited all those people along to witness naff all.

Yes I would think that was weird. Why do you ask? I know you're not fussed about being married but perhaps think about what you want from your relationship outside of the legalities of marriage: what do you love about him? What do you want to give to him?

No vows kind of defeats the purpose of the wedding.

I don't think it is necessary for delivery a speech or saying vows...

That is not required,but if you prefer,do have a try..

some interesting and touching ones will be better.

it will make the whole wedding unique and much more meaningful..

But it may really need time to think what you want to say,anyway,like a writer..hha,seriously.

Perhaps I'm missing the point, but I'm not sure in that case why you are getting married. Surely if it's because you love your other half and want to spend forever together, you would want to tell him that with vows (in front of the people you deemed important enough to invite to watch).

I wouldn't be peed off, but it would be weird and I don't think I would personally see it as a wedding. Please bare in mind that is just my opinion of course, and if you don't want them, you should have it your way and don't have them, but I'm not sure anyone else would understand why part of the ceremony was missing.

In your defence, I've never personally been to a wedding where the couple have said anything other than the standard 'vows', ie. "I am free to marry" and "I choose to marry you" (obviously a bit better phrased than that!). Maybe it's just not the done thing in my circle of friends / family, and everyone is different. Which is fine! ?

In my experience, it doesn't make the commitment any less significant and as a guest I've never thought, "Oh, is that it? WHY are they getting married? What are the REASONS they want to marry each other? What do they WANT from each other? Why is he / she so BRILLIANT? I HAVE TO KNOW!". I think that stuff is kind of personal to the couple and doesn't necessarily need to be broadcast in front of an audience if the couple don't wish to share it. My OH and I both know how we feel about each other, what we want from our marriage; we've made promises to each other and we'll both do our darndest to keep them. But they are private to us.

The long and short of it is, whether you decide to have a quickie 10 minute ceremony with the bare minimum wording or an hour long, super-romantic ceremony with flowery vows, the outcome is exactly the same. You're married. So it's an entirely personal experience and you can do whatever suits you. Even a short, basic ceremony is 'personal' to the couple, if they're the kind of people who don't go in for big romantic displays!

Anyhoo, I know enough divorced people to tell me that flowery words and romantic promises uttered at the alter / registry office don't necessarily mean anything in practice...

Skeptical, the OP doesn't even want to complete the standard service (whatever that might be in her particular district).

We are not discussing making personal vows that involve promising to always respect the Xbox or such. We are discussing the absence of ANY words/vows/promises, standard or not.

Also, I don't believe that you haven't heard vows at a wedding (unless you've only been to one, and it was odd). You have an incredibly narrow and blinkered view of what 'vows' are, and I suspect you have heard more of them than you realise.

On the paperwork we've received from the registry office, we've been given a choice of three versions of two statements (sorry for the massive size, it's been copied and pasted- I'm not making it massive intentionally to labour the point!!):

The ceremony

The ceremony is a simple one during which you will each make two statements. In the first you will each declare that you are free to marry the other person, this is called a declaratory statement. In the second you will each say that you take the other person as your husband/wife, this is called a contracting statement.

There is a choice of three statements for each of these and you will need to decide which two you would like to use. They are:

Declaratory words

3. By replying " I am " to the question " Are you .......... free lawfully to marry ..........?"

1. "I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I .......... may not be joined in matrimony to .........."

2. "I declare that I know of no legal reason why I .......... may not be joined in marriage to .........."

Contracting words

1. "I call upon these persons here present to witness that I .......... do take thee .......... to be my lawful wedded wife/husband"

2. " I .......... take you .......... to be my wedded wife/husband"

3. " I ..........take thee .......... to be my wedded wife/husband"

That's about it! I think it's a bit harsh to assume that I have "only been to one (wedding) and it was odd"...I'm just relaying my personal experience based on what I have seen and- based on what I have seen and the weddings I have attended (Ok, not a million, but enough to use as the basis of my experience) this is just the way it's been.

I resent the implication that I have experienced at times on this forum that, just because we have chosen a simple service, this somehow makes our relationship less 'worthy'. As stated in my previous post, I know enough divorced people to know that words are just words, and it takes more than that (as Extreme will tell you...) to make a relationship / marriage work. Although...having said that, the authority of the Xbox in our relationship really does require some sort of formal recognition. ?

However, I DO agree with your point re: OP that you do need to have SOME sort of words / statements (even as 'shallow and apparently meaningless' as the above- surely without this the whole ceremony isn't legal, let alone anything else? That is just a little bit...weird. But I think she did say that she was going to say the obligatory words?

Ooh, it's not come out massive on the post! Well I never. It did when I copied it in.... ?

And I resent the implication (sometimes explication) that anyone who has chosen to make some kind of vow/promise is being sentimental/flowery/cheesy. So we'll just stop this, yes

So, of all the weddings you've been to, you're saying that you've only ever seen the couple say the two legal statements and that's it?

OP, what kind of vows are you trying to avoid! The 'I will respect the Xbox" kind? Or just any kind of vow/promise, standard or otherwise?

When I get to my laptop, I'm happy to post the wording we had (civil ceremony, standard wording).

Yes, honestly! I'm not just saying this to be obnoxious! The only exception (and it was a while ago so I can't remember completely) was a church service I attended for an old Uni friend. And that did go on for HOURS so they probably said a LOT more (or at least it felt like it; warm summers day + church = me falling asleep...BAD GUEST).

Maybe it's just because all of my friends / family are Godless heathens? Or we all have ADHD? ? But honestly, that's why we're keeping it simple.

Honestly, I can't think of a civil ceremony that I have been to where the couple said more than the required bits - this is what we are doing. I hadn't even considered that you can say more, I thought civil weddings were just standard scripts. What kind of thing do people add?

Phew! (Foo?) Thought I was the only one!

I think you have the option of either a reading or your own vows. They're pretty pushed on time, I think.

The vows / reading have to be submitted for approval a couple of weeks before the ceremony.

Two sentences each, what's that? 30 seconds? A minute? The remainder is just the registrar babbling away?

Not one ceremony where they said 'Everything I have, I will share with you'? Or 'I will support you, whatever life brings us'? Or a 'through good times and bad' line? Or, well, you get the picture.

We didn't add to our ceremony wording (except one off the cuff remark by Boy). But the standard ceremony wording we received from our registrar included other bits for us to say. I presume each district/registrar designs and writes their own ceremony, so perhaps some genuinely don't include anything else? But I've never seen a civil ceremony where only two sentences were uttered by each party.

Have any of you received your ceremony wording?

Mine's quoted in my post above. We're probably choosing the more long-winded 'traditional' style wording.

The registrar introduces each bit, then you just say your line. All I can say is that your registrar must have been very committed!

The only other thing is mentions is that couples can, if they wish, have their own vows or a reading, but nothing like that is provided as a matter of course.

Isn't it odd how these things differ, depending on where in the country you are? Suppose it's the same as with health services, etc.

And it is short. VERY short. Watched a YouTube vid the other day of a civil ceremony in our reg office- it was 4 mins, then the signing of the register.

Even I though- "Blimey, that is a BIT short"...for no other reason than I'm paying £250 for this and want to get my money's worth! ?

No - I am just off to look now...

This was the response from my OH a second ago, when I emailed him to ask if we should have our own vows:

"sounds pants.

whats wrong with just sticking to the traditional lines, 'I, Pxx Barnaby-Pendleton-Templeton Derek Rxx, take you, Cxx Poppy-Daisy-Rosie-Buttercup-Tuppence Pxx' etc?"

I would like to point out that he is 40 years old. With the mentality of a 12 year old. Which is why I love him!

(Ooh, look! I've just written my vows! ?)

This conversation is making my head spin.

There is nothing wrong with what he suggested - you are legally obliged to say those words...

I think what is confusing me is that the above line was followed with another few sentences, promising to share/love/support etc. But because these were part of the standard wording that the registrar sent us, it has never entered my head that these would be considered as 'writing our own vows'. Because we didn't write them, and they were fairly standard when compared with other civil ceremonies we had attended.

This was a few years ago so things may have changed but when my Mum married my step-dad in a civil ceremony they were given the option between a wordy or non-wordy version of the service. The wordy version was that they would repeat all of the 'to have and to hold / from this day forward' stuff themselves and the other one was pretty much the same words, but instead of them saying it, the registrar just read the whole speech out and they just had to say 'I do / I will' as applicable. They explained that the latter was mainly geared towards people for whom English wasn't a first language, or if they had any other reason why they would struggle to say it all, and so they would merely agree with the registrar rather than have to say it themselves.

There has been some form of additional vows at every civil wedding I've been to, usually during the exchanging of rings. You know, the "I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage..." stuff - Skeptical, you've never heard any of that? Nothing to do with "godless heathens" - just not wanting to hand the rings over in silence, combined with taking the opportunity to say something special!

Of course I've heard of it (and seen it on TV / Films, etc.) I've just never witnessed it personally. I'm not saying that either way is right or wrong!! ?

We say plenty of special things. To each other. In private.

(And before you say anything about being 'private' yet having a wedding in front of a bunch of people, trust me...my first choice was a quickie elopement- just me and OH hopping on a cruise ship- before my mum threatened to throttle me if we did! ?)

FTLOMB I totally get what you're saying. But that I swear that was the only option we were given. I think it must differ between registration districts. I promise you- that's all the wording we've been given! I can scan in the documentation they've sent me if you don't believe me. I have even asked a couple of my friends who were married recently, in case I misremembered (wedding followed by copious quantities of booze can result in memory gaps) and they've all said exactly the same! You also mentioned that you met your registrar? We haven't met ours and probably won't til the day. We gave notice in a different district from where we're getting married. They obviously just do things better where you live!

OP, I suspect a summary might be:

If you say only the two legal declarations, there will be some guests who think it normal and some who think it odd (because they think you have deliberately removed ceremony wording, leading to 'Why?).

If you say extra wording, which may simply be part of the standard ceremony in your district, there will be some guests who think it normal and some who think it odd (because they think you have deliberately added ceremony wording, which they find cheesy/overly sentimental).

So, do what you want?

Excellent summary. And well done OP for opening up such an interesting and informative discussion.

(That sounds sarcastic, it's genuinely not. I've quite enjoyed it!)

I can't find a script for our area but I've realised that all the civils I have been to have in fact included an exchange of rings, which is over and above the legal requirement. So what I said earlier wasn't quite true. But I have definitely never been to one where they say all that 'to have and to hold' stuff - I thought that was just for church weddings. What a confusing business!

We got married in the same area as you and had our own vows added in as well as two readings. The ceremony was about 30 mins I think all in all. You will have the option I'm sure.

The brochure thingy we received said this:

Personalising your ceremony

There are many ways in which the ceremony can be tailored to be more personal to you. The superintendent registrar is able to offer a choice of vows or readings and music, and as it is your special day your own suggestions will be welcome.

However, any additions to the ceremony must not have any religious or spiritual connection and they must be cleared by the Superintendent Registrar at least two weeks prior to the ceremony taking place.

Please note that, due to time constraints, for a Milldam House ceremony you can choose either one reading or your own vows. If you would like any help planning your ceremony our staff will be happy to offer you advice or suggestions.

That looks specific to the registry office though; I think you got married somewhere else? I might give them a call. It would be good to know for definite either way!

Ah yes we diddnt get married in the reg office I meant we had a civil ceremony in the same area so assumed the rules were the same. My bad.

I can't copy and paste my ceremony wording for some reason but will summarise here (registrar bits heavily paraphrased....)

Registrar: Welcome etc, legal stuff about the venue, name confirmation
Us in turn: (confirm names)
Registrar: intro to legal declaration
Us in turn: I do solemnly swear that I know not of any legal impediment....etc
Registrar: stuff about love, intro to promises
Us in turn: Today I pledge to spend the rest of my life with you, I will be faithful and honest, I will share with you my hopes and dreams, I will always be there when you need me most, and will respect and support you as we go through life together.
Registrar: intro to consent, will you Footlong/Boy, take Boy/Footlong, to be your lawful wedded...etc
Us in turn: (confirm) I will.
My uncle: reading
Registrar: stuff about the importance of marriage
Bridesmaid: reading
Registrar: stuff about our future life together, intro into vows
Us in turn: I call upon these persons here present to witness that I Footlong/Boy, do take thee, Boy/Footlong, to be my lawful wedded husband/wife. I will love and care for you, honour and cherish you, whatever the future may bring.
Registrar: stuff about rings, exchange of rings
Us in turn: All that I have I give to you*, all that I am I share with you, I give you this ring as a symbol of my love for all the years to come, please wear it as a sign of my love and notice to the world that you have chosen me to be your husband/wife.
Registrar: You are now husband and wife, kiss etc
Sign register
Registar: See you later

*Boy inserted "except the telly" here.