On from last week's funeral thread - how much detail?

I guess its up to you how much detail you put in. If something is important and has a reason behind it (like your specific leaving song request) then you should include it. Sometimes its the little details that family stress over and worry if they are doing the right thing. For example when FIL died we knew he wanted Light my fire playing as his coffin was taken away in the crem- the family dithered for days on which version he meant- we went with The Doors in the end, and im sure thats the one he meant but I wish he had wrote it down.

Firstly, ?

Secondly, if it is important to you and if your H wants all the instructions/information, then I don't personally see a problem with leaving that much detail.

Hth a bit xx

I think it sounds... well if this doesn't sound too odd, kind of fun. tbh, to choose stuff. Shame we all won't be there to see our own. I think leaving detailed instructions is fine as long as you also put a 'look if this all gets too difficult, make it simpler and I won't haunt you, honest' clause in it.

(We could have a funeral planning forum... ?)

Please don't take this the wrong way and I know you want the flowers to be enjoyed, but if I were in a hospice or nursing home I don't think I'd want to enjoy the flowers that had come from someone's coffin.

I think detailed instructions are fine and will remove decision making from people who might not be feeling up to guessing what you would have approved of.

As an aside I just googled my funeral song to see if anyone else was talking about it and it didn't come up with too many hits so I'm guessing it's not that popular which is good!

Madge if we are still friends in 50 years when you die you can guarantee I will be bawling at your funeral. Caledonia gets me every time. ?

I am such a blubber-monkey that if I was at a funeral and 'Leaving on a Jet Plane' started up I would be bawling!!!! My son recently emigrated to Oz and he was singing that for weeks before he left, then when it came on the radio the day before he flew i was driving along in full blubber-monkey mode! ?

Mind you, as my real name is Clare, I told my kids I wanted Nanci Griffiths singing 'It's a long way from Clare to here' at my funeral.

? all. Sorry I can't see who it was but lots of funeral flowers are handed into Marie Curie and always enjoyed. Most patients think they are from weddings and it's why I would would like no funeral style flowers. I've heard several mention the lovely wedding flowers.

The reason I've mentioned the singe lot of flowers because I would like no flowers at all but I know both my mum and H would want at least some flowers, and that Ithey would definitely want an arrangement for just for on top of the coffin. It's more of a compromise than a request, if you like.

I think the reason I'm thinking about what I would prefer to know when my time comes (hopefully it'll be a long time yet!), the people nearest to me won't have to think about it. When I was first diagnosed with lupus, I read several articles saying any with the illness would die within 10 years but thankfully times have changed. I've been aware of my mortality, even as a younger person, since a friend died suddenly (adult 'cot' death) aged 16 and also should my lupus get worse. I really and honestly believe funerals are there to celebrate life and the two main things I don't want is no flowers and mournful music. People could wear black if the wanted to (I can't stop them ?) but black isn't the usual celebration norm IMO.

Aww MaxieMax. ?

GW, I really love Caledonia, it has to be Dougie Maclean though! ?

Thanks everyone xx

I think detail is fine as long as you are able to discuss it with someone beforehand. Doesn't necessarily have to be your H or mother - someone they know and trust (and are aware you've had the conversation with) would also do. This gives you a chance to clarify anything ambiguous and also gently sound out what your family would want. I agree with the poster that said funerals are for the living not the dead and so for me, my families wishes would be more important than most of my own. (Though having said that, there are certain religious beliefs I would absolutely want observed so I would note these as non-negotiable.)

I also agree that a comment to the effect that the directions are suggestions only (if that is the case for you) and not intended to cause family disputes could end up saving some heartache. Some members of my family did some really weird things and made some really strange choices in the wake of my father's death. Although I knew that it added up to a funeral my father wouldn't necessarily have chosen, those of us arranging the funeral went along with it rather than cause friction as we realised it was just grief that was causing the odd behaviour. Dad was already enjoying his next adventure irrespective of how we were marking his funeral, but those left behind needed to address their feelings in their own way, not his.

My only family really are H and my mum, who both already know my ideas (it's something I've always been quite vocal about) but I will definitely include a bit about them being suggestions only and they should do (within reason, obviously the fact I would like to be buried and also I would like a catholic service as Dopper says should be non negotiable) what they see fit at the time.

I perhaps view things differently to other people and I know the funerals I have planned myself (obviously with other people helping), I have gone out of my way to give that person a send off which I know that person would have loved. I pick their favourite music, have a eulogy to make everyone smile and even pick 'wakes' I know they would have loved to go to. Thankfully my mum and H have both agreed with me through these experiences that the send off should suit the person and it's very much a celebration of their life rather than the mourning of their death so I know they will be happy with celebrating mine.

? for all your views. x

When we were arranging my Granny's funeral the other week we had this conversation and actually decided that we should all leave details like this. it's a really stressful week or so and you aren't thinking properly so if you know what they would like it would have made it so much easier (and saved about 6 billion phone calls from my mum!!)

So for me as many details as poss....

If the detail is important to you then it is right to include it all. For me, all I've ever said about my passing (admittedly I'm just about to turn 36 so haven't given it that much thought!) is that I want to be cremated, and then the ashes just disposed of by the funeral directors. No giving my husband and boys me back in an urn, no plaque in the garden of remembrance etc.

Very much what Jess said. I think to give a few details is good but for me it's more about what will give comfort to my loved ones. A poem that they pick would reflect what they feel about you, which is very different to what you feel about your yourself.

I actually liked planning my fathers funeral, it wasn't sad at all and in fact my one brother and I shared so many giggles when we were choosing things for him. Things like his coffin, they didn't have one with dovetail joints and my Dad was very into carpentry so we laughed that they didn't have one and he wouldn't be best pleased. We chose a plastic Urn as he worked in plastics all his life. All of the choices we made, reflected the things we remembered about him. He had chosen a couple of things, he specified the exit song "Always look on the bright side of life" and where his ashes were to be scattered and that was it. I am pleased about that as it meant we worked together as family to write the eulogy, choose hymns and poems. It really wasn't a "sad" thing to do.

I know that there are enough people around who would help my H if at such a time I died before him and I'd want them to send me off in a way that fits them more than me.

? ladies. It's good to read your different views.

? for people who have had to plan funerals for loved ones.

I think you should put as much detail as you want in but as others have suggested to put down that they shouldn't be worried if they can't find a particular song to play or can't be buried in the place you want for example. That way they have something to work towards when they're grieving but won't freak out if they can't give you what you really want.

I agree with this. However, I think that it can be a comfort to the living to feel that they are doing what the dead person wanted. I know my MIL found the various choices she had to make in the run up to my FIL's funeral hard because he would never discuss what he wanted, and she felt a big pressure to "get it right" through guesswork. For her, I know some instructions would have helped.

On the other hand, the one instruction he did give (that his gravestone should state only name and dates with no detail about his life or loving words) she has decided to ignore (although is fretting about doing so), so I guess it goes both ways ?

I think this is a good idea, when my Grandad died in Feb, the only thing we knew was that he wanted to be cremated and scattered at Elland Road (which is what we did) everything else wasn't picked, so it was a bit of a free for all with the family and a complete nightmare with arguments etc.

My Mum spoke to my brother, sister and I about what she'd want if anything happened and I'm so glad she did given the current situation we have going on with her.

I am in the middle of arranging a funeral right now and i would have loved to have found a list, or to have been told, what flowers they wanted / liked, what hyms they wanted, what other music they wanted, where they wanted the funeral, and where they wanted to end up, what they wanted to wear, etc.

It has been very very difficult to make decisions