Opinions and wants ignored for own wedding by parents, now have fallen out :-/

Oh wow! have a ?

I cant offer any words of advice apart from stay strong and be firm with your parents. I think they will come round as they have a lot to lose if they choose not to listen to your requests.

A letter is a good way of dealing with it all calmly (them and you) but you need to decide what you will do if they dont back down. If you just accept it, them your disagreement will be for nothing - and what else will they be dictating to you next??

(I think its really rude that they have invited people you dont know over people you want there!!)

xxx

Hi date twin!

This is a very difficult situation. My parents are paying for our wedding and I've been very concious about every decision because of this. I think they have over reacted and you've been very sensible. It's hard to know what to advise but i'm sending lots of hugs. x

Wow, this sucks for you. I think the letter is a good plan. I would also give your parents a reminder that the 'party' is infact your wedding. And if you don't turn up it would look pretty bad on them! It's never to late to tell them thanks but no thanks and have a simple registry office and a pub meal with your close friends.

This is the reason i am so glad me and OH are paying for the wedding ourselves.

My mum is very like me with being overly orgainised and i know for a fact that if her and dad were paying for the wedding it would be what she wanted not what me and Kev want.

Even with us paying she trys to "help" but doesn't realise she's interfearing. I only really tell her about stuff once we've booked and put down a deposit, lol!

I already cancelled my wedding once for the same thing and am still going through it. My parents are giving us some money, OHs mum is giving us some money and is also helping us by putting together and decorating the favour boxes for us and OHs dad has paid for our videographer and the fgs outfit and shoes. My parents decided because they are giving us money, they have the right to tell us who we are inviting, what we are eating, what the colour scheme is etc etc.

The money they are giving us doesn't even cover the food at the reception and yet they still thought they should be hosts which is not what we wanted as we are paying for a lot as is ohs mum. (snap to the invitations coming from us and our parents).

My mum and I have always had the opposite taste in everything...colours, flowers, clothes etc which means she hates everything OH and I choose and invariably comes up with another option that either oh and i dont like or that is twice the price of the first one.

When we first started planning the wedding she was terrible, everything we wanted was ridiculous, the ceremony was going to be some major theatrical performance (we are having 2 hymns and 2 readings, she thought 1 hymn was enough and wouldnt accept this is whats required by the church) and although they had offered us money they wanted to tell us what it was to be used for and therefore what we would be having in said category. My mum even picked my bms!!!

Upshot was we cancelled everything, most of our suppliers were really good and said because we had booked 18 months in advance they were happy to hold the deposits to be used against a different date. That was January last year. At the start of July, having put everything on hold we started planning again, this time totally leaving my mum out of it as much as possible. She still has digs about how she doesnt like things and thinks we should have something different but she says she doesnt want us to 'throw our toys out of the pram again'. We have compromised in some areas like the bms and the invitations but are learning to ignore the jibes as well as we can (although some of them still hurt and she will not accept she has ever been in the wrong). We are now getting married a month earlier than originally planned, when we sat down and talked about it we knew we wanted it to be this year. Despite the fact I wanted to go abroad so we wouldnt need any help financially, OH wanted to stay in this country and his family wouldnt have been able to come, with his mum being so supportive we didnt want her to miss out so we are having a very traditional wedding, parents have had SOME say over the guest list but we have put our feet down over some issues (they wanted to invite all extended family children meaning we couldnt invite any friends so that was rapidly vetoed!).

It is horrible when your family can't be supportive but from experience if they arent going to be now, they never will be and although it takes a really huge effort, you need to focus on who the day is about and what the two of you want. You're in a real predicament with the invites already having been sent but I really hope you can manage to invite your friends. Parents can be very stubborn and if they are anything like mine will turn the row so it's your fault. Just try and keep your chin up. Some days it's not going to be easy (can you tell I'm having one of those!!lol) but just focus on the end result and have a ?. We're all here if you need to vent and I promise to try not to rewrite war and peace again ?

I had this quite early doors with my parents. They're not paying for everything, but are making the biggest contribution - also some money coming from OH's mum, and some from us.

They've been really good about the guest-list - I said to them early on, who would you like there - and they asked us to invite two couples. My OH has met these people, and I've known them since a kid so I am fine with them being here.

However, my dad - more 'cos he was p**sed off about other things I think - said at one point "you can't invite everyone you know just 'cos we're paying". I was really hurt by this and said that of course we wouldn't and he said "yes, but does your OH think like that - I just don't think there's enough thought".

It is difficult if they're paying for the whole thing - I think a letter is a good idea - that's what I did with my parents, and suggested that they set a capped amount that they're happy to pay up to - if it comes in under that for the bits they're paying for, fine, but this at least gives them some reassurance.

Could you invite the other people if you paid for it, or is there a number limit at the venue? I'm wondering if the former is an option - perhaps you could say "we're really grateful to you for your contribution, but we're a bit upset that some of our close friends won't be able to share the day with us. Is there a way we can help out with the costs to allow some of these people to come along?"

If it's not too late, could you perhaps ask them for a fixed amount contribution? That stopped all the rows with us - they can't argue with our choices of guests/meal details, 'cos we're getting a fixed amount and when it's gone it's gone!

Oh my god, I cant even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you. Our situation is totally different as OH's parents are on a different continent and probably wont come anyway due to religion issues, and my parents wouldn't dream of inviting anyone for themselves!

I think the letter is a really good idea, as they can sit and digest everything you've said in a calm manner and then respond properly without emotions bubbling over.

Hope it gets sorted for you. x

As an aside, you mentioned the Belmont, are you in Leicester?

Thank you for all of your replies :-), OH and I still angry and feel are looking forward to it less and less. I have had an email from my Dad and my Mum called today, not opened email or answered call. It is too soon for me to speak to them after their harsh words. Going to try and enjoy the weekend and chill out before starting my new job (start on Monday).

It is too late to offer to pay as my parents have made it an expensive wedding and we cannot afford to contribute anything :-/.

Yes, I am based in Leicester, your lucky your parents have been so considerate XOXOX

I hope that they do see it from our point of view, If we speak next week we plan to be very firm with them and to tell them who we want them to uninvite.

I think thats a really good plan. Good luck.

I'm in Leicester too! were doing it at Athena. x

Souds fab, the Athena is a really nice venue. Our wedding (if it still goes ahead) is in Chelmsford.

XOXOXOXOX

My husband and I hosted our own wedding, tho my mum contributed on a few things and financially.

But just wanted to ask this....

where on earth does it say, anywhere, 'your parents have the right to invite who they want at your wedding???????????'

Paying for it or not, its YOUR day, not your parents day. If they want a party for them and their friends then they arrange that another time. NOT ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. Why would you want to celebrate your day with a bunch of strangers? You might as well get married in the town square and have a reception at some random pub.

(Tell them that!!)

Oh my word, that's a tricky situation to be in.

That's the main reason we're payign for ours ourselves, we wont have the fancy details we wanted when we first talked about it but it's not about how fancy and how much money is spent, it's the reason behind it that seems to get lost in the planning.

My mum threw a bit of a paddy when we decided not to invite my aunts/uncles (as we have a massive family) as it meant we would have to invite the aunts/uncles of my OH which we never see and dont really like! i told my mum that having her sisters there on the day was the only thing she had any say in and because we had agreed that with her that was that. I just told her firmly that it is our wedding, not theirs and if they want certain people there they can throw their own party! I think she was a little shocked, but i wasnt having a year of planning/arguments/tears when its our special day!!

There's only so many times you can thank someone for something. Will they be making comments for the rest of your married lives that they paid for it?!

?

Just stick with it, I think youre doing the right thing so just keep your chin up and wait to see what happens.

Where abouts are you getting married in Chelmsford?

x

Wanted to thank everyone for their support and advise, here is the latest.....

Last week after we tried to discuss our concerns about my parent's guest list, my Dad just lost his temper. After that many emails were sent back and forth. I finally thought that we had gotton to a good place and when I asked about inviting some people on out 2nd guest list and been asked to wait it was one step forwards 2 steps back.

That evening I spoke to my Mum, got absolutely no where, I have realised it has got a place where my parents will never understand that they have taken our wedding day away from us and made it about them. The next day Harry felt bad about his text and apologised, my parents accepted his apology and we are meeting up in a few weeks to talk. Whether the wedding goes ahead or not depends on the outcome of the meeting.

Harry did not have to apologise at all and I really love him for doing it, it feels like we have absolutely no control over this wedding, and what we want is being ignored. I think the real problem is there is no room for disagreement with my parents without it turning into WW3. More my Dad really, if you do agree with him he just pushes and pushed his point until that it is all that can be heard.

I think the real underlying issue is communication and us not being assertive enough in the past. We are both polite people generally, but for some reason find that with my parents we don't say no if we don't want to do something or don't always express disagreement for the above reason.

We talked about this over the weekend and realised we need to start saying no when we don't want to do something and we should not always agree for the sake of keeping the peace. In any relationship there should be room for disagreement without WW3 breaking out and we are refining our relationship with my parents. The start of that will be more distance and less visits (currently are about every 2 months). If the wedding goes ahead, than we will leave it a good few months before visiting as their actions has caused a great deal of damage and makes us want to see of them.

With hind sight we were naive to accept my parents offer to pay for the wedding, thinking we would be in control in any way and we should have discussed out expectations at the beginning

Really sorry to hear things haven't got better. I can't help but think that accepting their money is always going to come with conditions, even if they say there aren't any!

I've been in your situation and it isn't nice at all. xx

Sorry to hear things are still bad between you and your folks. Hope the meeting goes well and some resolve can be reached. x