Opinions on an invite "issue" with the in-laws

I'm in a similar situation in that my parents are contributing financially and as a result they are inviting a few friends whom I have either never met, or met once in passing. Not ideal, but I'm just going to grin and bear it x

Likewise. My mum and dad are helping and I have had to invite a few people that I probably woldnt have done. I know it should be that its your days and that you shouldnt have anyone there you dont want btut theres a fine line between that and being ungratful I think?

Hmm it is a tricky one, and one that would probably benefit from the good ol’ Pros & Cons List! Obviously it would be financially beneficial to have them pay for the buffet, but you really have to weigh up what is more important to you….spare cash in the budget or complete autonomy on the guest list?

What is your relationship like with them, or your OH’s? Can you sit down and talk it through with them? Personally I think it is pretty bad form on their part to put you on the spot like that and if it was me I would say thank you for the kind offer but we would rather have all the guests at our wedding as friends and family of ours.

Im not ungrateful at all, I am absolutely chuffed they have offered to help and appreciate it, but ultimately we havent asked for any help and it is our wedding day. I just dont want to be sat there and thinking who is that person over there.

So its a case of - deal with the fact I wont know a few people and acccept the offer of help... or risk offending MIL2B by saying I would rather not...

We have quite a good relationship - she has kept out of most things wedding related as I think she has worried about stepping on my mums toes - my mum is no longer with us, she passed away 2 years ago.

xx

If it was me i wouldnt accept the offer. Neither of mine or OH's parents requested that someone attend, friend or otherwise.

I think I would accept the offer of help and have a few people at the wedding who you might not know.

They will know the wedding invitation is for you as if they are friends with your OH's parents they will know their name.

To clarify, are they offering to pay for the entire evening buffet, or just the "per head" cost for those they want to add on?

Same here my mum and dad are helping out so wanted to invite some of their friends, there are 6 or 8 going which is have agreed to on one condiiton that they try and arrange for me and OH to at least meet these people before the wedding even if just in passing, which to be fair they have been quite good with, dad took OH to pub with the people he wants to invite and mum went shopping with her friend and we all went for a coffee.

The only people going that I won't know I'm just going to have to accept but they will be there all day, my mum has no family she is an only child and her parents died when i was young, but she realyl wants her auntie to come which i have no issue with as i have known her my enitre life so more than welcome, however she is quite poorly and asked if she could bring her son and his wife with her to help her, i have never met her son and his wife, she has offered to pay for them but she is in her 70's and i think thats a little harsh, i know how important it is to my mum and my auntie for her to be there so i have agreed they can come.

If it was me, I would let them invite a few friends to the evening reception & let them pay.

Its a generous offer and I think your inlaws just want to include some of their friends in the celebration, rather than take over / dictate. Its a big day for them as well and Im sure they just want to show off / be proud about their sons marriage?

But you know them & you know the kind of relationship you have with them!

Im not sure what kind of wedding you are having, but if you are paying for a sit down meal for your day time guests then I wouldnt worry that its your names on the invites. But from sounds of things that isnt a concern to them - theres just a few people they want there who you dont know & they are not expecting you to pay to feed them - which is a decent thing in my opinion. x

They are offering the pay for the entire evening buffet, but the offer was said in a "on the condition we can invite some people" type of way.

Seems the general opinion is to just lump it and take the help

I think yes, probably the benefit (lowering your costs) V negative (having a few people you don't really know) would balance it out and I would probably accept it gratefully too.

However, do be aware that "input creep" doesn't start happening, and that because they're paying for some part of it they don't feel that they have the right to start changing other aspects of your day to what they want.

It is still yours and your partner's big day after all, not theirs.

What does your partner think about it though? I didn't see you mention that?

My parents are paying for the reception, so we have had this discussion too. Luckily, they aren't insisting on inviting friends we have never met as I would have an issue with that. Also, they are probably only inviting 2 additional couples.

If I had loads of spare cash I'd pay for everything myself and have it all our way, but so far there have only been very minor compromises!

He will do anything for an easy life, I think he felt put on the spot to. If I said I was unhappy about it, he would speak to them. He said that if my dad wanted to invite some friends I wouldnt mind, which is probably true in fairness.

He is the same as me and when making our guest list we both agreed that we didnt want to be in a position where we wondered who someone was, so decided to keep numbers mid range (75 in day and around 130 total in the evening)... but he thinks that for the sake of keeping the peace and accepting help we should just grin and bear it because by the evening we probably wont even notice who's who lol

x

Stuff like this really winds me up! All my humble opinion....

If people want to help out with wedding costs they should do so for that reason, not because they want bargaining power!

Looking at it from the in-laws friends point of view. If I was invited to the wedding of someone I had never met I would not want to go!! Like you say there is the akward-ness of them coming over for a chat and wondering who the hell they are?!

Luckily both our parents have contributed to our wedding and asked nothing in return.....the only small request we had was from OH's parents that we invite their drinking buddies....who we know and have been on several nights out with. We said as we know them and they are good fun but know MIL has fallen out with them and we are not inviting them anymore?! FFS!! lol!

Just my twopence worth....do what feels right and be honest with all concerned. If it's an issue think how it will make you feel on the day. It would make me angry!!

My parents have contributed and are inviting friends to the evening, but they are all people I know and have grown up around. I can't really understand why anyone would want to go to a wedding of people they have never met?

Thanks for all the opinions ladies

I did also think from the guests point of view that they may not even want to attend a wedding of a bride they dont know and a groom they probably havent seen since he was a kiddie.

I think I will accept the help and grin and bear it!

xx

Seems like you've made up your mind, but just to add that you're not the only one! His parents contributed but have not asked to bring anyone extra. (We have invited most of their family friends anyway, even the ones I have not met yet, as H2B wanted them there which is absolutely fine and I'm very much looking forward to meeting them.)

My parents have also contributed, and will be contributing more when we pay for the caterers. In "return" they're inviting 70 extra people to the evening that neither H2B nor I know. My dad is Indian and traditionally Indian weddings are HUGE... his own was 1000 guests (yes really!), mine is 220 in the evening so we have both already compromised and he has compromised more iyswim. It does pee me off a little, especially since our invites are from us "together with our parents" and now he wants to put insert slips in saying "blah blah, parents of [my name] invite you etc etc" so that his distant relatives know who I am! If they don't know who I am, why are they coming?! But I suppose that's how weddings work in his culture and since he's paying for basically all of it, I will grin and bear it. I suppose by the evening I'll be too happy to just be married, and won't notice them.

I am suprised the offer was conditional but I would accept it If it means they are happy, keeping good relations and reducing your costs. You will be too busy enjoying your day to notice the unknowns.

Perhaps it's not just a case of she wants to invite some of her friends,.... but more so that her closest friends can share her happiness for that evening?

As for the invites, if you accepted her offer, just say well the invites are all printed etc and you hadn't planned on getting a handful more done, but if she is willing to pay for the evening buffet and would like a 'couple' of her close friends there to join the celebrations....she can just ask them, after all, do you need an RSVP from people you don't know.

xx

I've been encouraged by my parents right from the start to be firm with people and have the wedding we want - if someone wants to help us with a cost then that's very generous of them but they won't get anything in return. My dad's parents paid for my parents wedding and there are loads of people on their photos that they don't know and it's the thing my mum regrets most. Me and my OH are doing everything ourselves and having everything the way we want it, we've got enough guest list problems with the people we actually know and like without adding in extras that we haven't met, won't know anyone there except our parents (and so who are they going to talk to all day when the parents are chatting to everyone else?) and that we wouldn't want to buy dinner for on any other occasion!

I probably seem a bit harsh but they had their way when they had their own weddings (well, my mum didn't but she should have put her foot down lol) and this is our day. I'd rather have a tighter budget than a day I'd look back on with even a tiny bit of regret

For me it would depend how many extra people she was talking about. A few couples - fine. more than that and I wouldnt be happy. My OH is inviting some 'family friends' that I have never met which I am a bit p*ssed off about but I know he's only doing it so it doesnt upset his mum and nan. He's such a mummy's boy!

If his mum wasnt contributing to the wedding I would have kicked up more of a fuss but as she's contributing a third, I feel like I cant say anything. Plus they are people that saw OH grow up so I think its nice they are there.

I do find it rude to give you an ultimatum though - they should want to help regardless!

I think it'll be better to put up with it. They will probably all sit together out of the way anyway, and you'll be too busy on the dancefloor and with your new hubby to notice!

Hiya,

We have asked a parents for a list of people i.e friends they would like to invite if we have enough space. We havent invited them as yet as we are still awaiting replies in.. i would accept the offer as long as it didnt mean you had to sacrifice your main guest list ( iykwim).

Maybe you could ask your dad if he would like a friend to attend to balance it out a bit?

Kelly x

I can never understand why people would want to go to a reception if they don't even know the bride and groom, regardless of whether or not they're friends of their parents. Seems a bit 'wey hey, free party!' to me. My OH and I paid for our wedding and I made it clear (in a very nice way) to my parents that I didn't want people I didn't know or knew only vaguely to come so it nipped it in the bud before any awkward suggestions were made.

It depends what's more important to you...not having people you don't know or the financial help. If you need the help it's a small price to pay but if you REALLY don't want strangers there then stick to your guns.

Arggh!

Just got a "list" from the MIL2B and its 20 people she wants to invite to the evening. I was not expecting that!

20 people is totally ripping the piss - have you now accepted her offer?

20 does seem to be a bit OTT.

I've been lucky in that the ILs only wanted to look at our invitation list to check we hadn't missed anyone important as OH's sister missed her bestman's parents off when they were meant to be being invited. Ooops! My mum asked for 4 of her friends to come to the day which I'm fine with as my parents are separated and this will mean there are more people for her to spend the day with (her family is tiny, whereas my dad's is much bigger). Our package is for 100 people and we're only at 88 even including them. This is the only thing she's asked for in the entire run up so I was more than happy to accomodate her wishes in this.

I think you or your OH need to have a chat with your MIL. Good luck.

Her email says "please let me know if I have overstepped the mark with number".... but its all very well her saying that, its hard to sit down and say, do you know what, yes you have.

A few of the names on the list I recognise and have met at big family events etc so that's fine because I will at least regonise their faces, but 20 people - thats one fifth of the entire evening guests!

Thats exactly what you must tell her! in a nice, non confrontational way. x

I think 20 people is OTT too! A few very close friends, fair enough.

I'd be so tempted to tell her that if she expects me to fit in another 20 guests then she won't be able to come because there won't be enough space. What a cheeky cow! As the good old Grange Hill gang once said, 'Just say no!' ?

One or 2 is just about acceptable, but to be given a list of 20 is just ridiculous, put your foot down on this one, it's really not worth it just because the'ye paying for your buffet - you should work out what percentage of the budget that is and tell her she can have say 5% of the guest list if she's paying 5% of the budget

Can you not email her back? Keep it lighthearted, though. Maybe something like:

Wow, 20 people! That's a fifth of the space for the evening reception. Can you let me have a list of priority guests from those you've mentioned and we'll put the rest on the reserve list.

Can you ask your OH to have a word with her? She's taking the p*** a bit and I'm pretty sure that even my mummy's boy OH would be more than willing to tell his mum to get lost (in a polite way of course) if she was asking for so much.

Luckily for me I've never been one to shy away from telling people when I don't agree with them, I don't like arguing but won't be pushed around, especially on the things that are really important to me.

I hope you manage to get this sorted out - I'd hate to be in your situation, and heaven help you if you decide to have kids - what will she be like then?

Try to keep focussing on some really exciting wedding things to keep your mind off this stressful bit

xxx