OT Advice please bit sens

What a sad situation. It's a hard one, and someone is going to get hurt in the long run. I think all you can do is what you're doing now...she already knows you don't agree with what she's doing so just keep being you, being honest with her and be there when she needs to talk. You must have a very strong friendship if she's confiding this stuff to you. Not very helpful I know...sorry!

G xx

If she's unhappy then she is best, for her sake, and more importantly her unsuspecting husband's sake, to end the marriage now. If not that, then at least to have the balls to admit it to her husband. Perhaps then they may have a hope of salvaging the relationship.

I'm assuming here that your friend meant her vows when she said a few months ago? If not, or she was unsure, than I say poor bloke.

Blooming heck, that's harsh. I've got a friend who is doing exactly the same thing other than the other woman knows he's married. He wants to leave his wife, not even married two years but he doesn't want to 'hurt' her despite the fact they hardly ever talk, don't get intimate anymore and generally living a miserable life. He knew (as we all did) that he shouldn't have gotten married, but that's easy to say now.

I really don't think that there is any advice you can give her. You can tell her the obvious, leave her hubbie, but if it were that simple, she would have done it by now. She possibly told you because she's looking for people to tell her to leave and to confirm what she knows in her mind is the right thing to do. The other situation is, is if her boyfriend finds out she's married, will he finish it? Is she willing to lose him?

It's a really difficult sitation to be in as a friend, but my view is that they are adults and they make their own paths, you just need to be there to pick them up along the way if they fall.

Hope they sort it out one way or another.

Ruth

x

Hello Lovely,

Thanks for that. It's so difficult because on the one hand, there is NO WAY I could do that to Stupidboy - but at the same time I don't want to *judge* her. I just want her to be happy.

I have told her that she can't go on like this and she needs to consider OH's feelings - and her BOTS (bit on the side). She told me she got married just for the security and it meant she never had to go on the pull again.... when she got engaged I was v. dubious if it was the right thing for them. and they had a short engagement (6 months) and then massive catholic white wedding in London in July.

When she got engaged we weren't really talking a lot - she only gets in touch when she's in trouble... and so I didn't really want to ring her up and say *er, are you sure about this..* but she told me she had major 2nd thoughts in April.

Its so hard to support her because I just don't know what to say. And I have to be normal around her OH. To make things worse her OH works away from home during the week - and its no excuse - but I know she's lonely. Having said that I've said its easy to walk away when things get tough. The point of a marriage is to stick it out - even in the hard times. Isn't that what the vows say?!!

hmmmmm

I think she should tell her OH and then make an effort for say, 6 months, to work harder at their marriage. As he's not really making much effort either (no excuse of course) and then decide whether or not to call it a day.

It's just so sad. She was so excited to get married and she looked so lovely. But maybe it was all the excitement and being the centre of attention. When you're WP it's easy to overlook the really important bit of the day.

I guess I will just be there when she needs me and to listen to her.

Hey SG,

Didn't want to R&R but really have nothing helpful to say!! It is a very hard place for you and I guess you just have to be her friend and listen as lets face it in the end we all do what we want to do at the end of the day...and she will find her way. Good luck to her, her husband, her boyfriend and you!! I just hope everyone ends up happy in the end whichever way things work out!

?

Hey SG,

Didn't want to R&R but really have nothing helpful to say!! It is a very hard place for you and I guess you just have to be her friend and listen as lets face it in the end we all do what we want to do at the end of the day...and she will find her way. Good luck to her, her husband, her boyfriend and you!! I just hope everyone ends up happy in the end whichever way things work out!

?

What a horrible situation to be in! I guess all you can do is let your friend know that while you totally disagree with her actions, you're still there as a friend if she needs you.

I like your plan to encourage her to work seriously and honestly on her marriage for 6 months. Sounds like she doesn't know at all what she wants at the moment!

I think you've perhaps hit the nail on the head there regarding your friend. Especially as she told you she liked the idea of marriage for security and so she didn't have to be single anymore.

Does she love him, respect him? If not, I wouldn't even suggest that they give it 6 months.

You're a bigger person than me. I'd be supportive only if she was making a decision (either way) about the marriage, I wouldn't be able to wait around while she fecks with other's lives.

I'll give her a call next week and see how she is. The thing is, she's so blase about it. I seriously think she's emotionally stunted sometimes - she just doesn't feel guilty - but she knows she should. She'll probably just brush me off and say she hasn't decided what to do.

I think her BOTS will dump her when he finds out she's married. And I pointed out that of course he seems wonderful at the minute - it's the honeymoon period and 6 months down the line she'll be just as uninterested in him.

I do think she's messing with people's lives too, but having said that, as people have pointed out on here, marriages do survive affairs. But at the minute, they don't have much of a marriage.

Its difficult - and depressing. I think I'm more upset than she is!!! LOL

Marriages can and do surrive affairs but only when there is mutual love and respect at the backbone to carry through the difficult period.

It's poingnant that you mention the 'honeymoon period' regarding the BOIS. That's what she should be having with her husband.

If she was my friend, tough love and talk would be in order.

Sorry I don't have much useful advice. I suppose if it was me I would be urging her to sort things out one way or another and be supportive of whatever direction she goes. Does she really see any future with BOS or is it just a case of grass is always greener? If she doesn't feel guilty then it may be unlikely that she sees any need to change anything but just carry on as. Good luck.

Cx

These situations are never black and white but for me on this occasion I think the fact she doesn't even feel guilty is a major thing. That suggests she has no respect for her husband at all and if respect isn't there then imo a marriage would be difficult to fix afterwards.

Marriages/relationships can withstand affairs but only if the 2 people are committed to each other and the person that was in the wrong can admit what they did was indeed wrong and totally out of order. Your friend doesn't seem to want to change which is extremely sad because in the long run her husband and her new guy are the ones going to be getting hurt.

She wants the security in a marriage but the fun, excitement, thrill of an affair which is extremely selfish because she is only considering her own feelings.

I don't really have much advice as I'm not sure I could support a friend who was being so selfish and playing with fire. I hope she manages to sort herself out quickly.

Lx

Ouch. My tips (having been in the same situation with one of my best friends, althought the BOTS was married too and they both knew about the other 'halves' ... it started pre-wedding, carried on during wedding (ie the BOTS was there on the day, and they were in contact during the honeymoon, and it continued for a long time after...)

1. Don't judge her
2. Don't tell her what to do
3. Be an ear, be a friend but don't get involved - its her life.

Don't mean that to sound harsh but shes the only person who should get emotionally involved in this. Yes, as a best friend its hard to just stand back and then pick up the pieces if it all goes wrong, but I learned early on not to give opinions or advice or try to get involved to fix it - just to be there for her when she needs you, and just get on with being her friend the rest of he time - if you value the friendships enough.

I know I did with my pal - my relationship with her outweighed everything else.

Good luck x

WSS. i have found that giving advice in the past has seldom worked - it's meant i've got too involved, or the friend in question will just select the advice she wants to hear, and will ignore the rest.

just be there for her.

good luck, it can't be easy.

Hi sg,

i think you need to find out why she is unhappy, is she unhappy cos she feels guilty and the guilt is just eating her up, or is she unhappy cos she feels stuck in a relationship that she doesnt want to be in.

has she found the man that she truly loves? or does she love them both? its a tricky one. all you can do is be there for her when it all comes crashing down.

only one thing would bother me and that would be her husband getting hurt, after all he is the inicent party in all this.

i agree though, it is worse now that their married. like i said, all you can do is be there for her.

have you met the other guy?

Hi Ladies,

Thanks for all your advice on this. I am trying to be so careful not to judge her and just be an open ear for her on this. I just want her to be happy - and figure out what she wants.

I haven't met the other guy although he knows about me.

She says she's unhappy because everything about her OH irritates her - although he's written it off as post-wedding blues! I just don't know what to say, so I'll keep going as I am and just listen to her. I know she's not told anyone else because I'm her closest friend in some respects - I think it's cos I'm older and in a long term relationship (not many of her other friends are) so I know about the ups + downs.

Thanks for all your help - I just want to be a good mate.

SG